The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Wow, I appreciate that you were checking in on me back in September. I am having a hard time getting back on plan so I wanted to see if maybe I could get some inspiration here.

The (sort of) good news is that after getting to a high weight of 283, in January I managed to finish three weeks more or less on plan and I got down under 270. I've hovered there ever since, and I think the key has been water. Even when I was not even trying to be on a diet, I kept drinking 80oz of water a day. So that's an interesting note for life. Water, for whatever reason, helps me not gain. I think after eight or nine weeks there's enough of a pattern for me to draw conclusions like that from.

Stress has been very high this year. I feel like I am always forgetting things. Being back at work after taking a year off was much harder this time. It's been like starting over. I think it's probably not worse, it's just that after my last leave I started a new job so I expected it to be tough, but this time I thought it would be easier because I was coming back to the same job. It hasn't been easier. I even cut back on my second job, partially resigning, but it wasn't enough. I am starting to feel like I have to give up almost everything I do besides my full time job in order to keep my sanity. And that saddens me somewhat, because I do enjoy these things even though they stress me out. I don't quite know how to live without the stress, I think.

The last couple of weeks I've been half on MF. I've been getting in three supplements from morning to lunch, but then I forget to eat after lunch because I get busy at work, and then I have a crazy evening schedule and I haven't bothered to pack supplements because I figure I'm going to screw it up anyway so I may as well save the stuff for tomorrow. It's not such a bad thing to be maintaining my weight. It's just that it's not enough.

I can't stop myself from wanting to see rapid progress. But I don't stay on plan long enough to either be amazed or disappointed. I know MF will work for me, but I'm just so lazy about this. I begged and begged for a Wii - got one for Christmas. Played with it for maybe three weeks and then didn't touch it. Then got a balance board and WiiFit - again, begged for it - used it for actually 6 days before losing interest. I keep making excuses like I'm too busy or too tired. Which is true but I know that it's all about priorities and scheduling and I could do it if I really wanted to. After all, I wasn't working for a whole year and I still didn't eat right or exercise despite having tons of time. So it doesn't matter how busy or not busy I am, what matters is my motivation.

Well, I'm mostly just typing all this to sort of 'think out loud' about this situation I'm in. A lot of my stress will fall away after Saturday, when my most major committment is finished - and it's one I won't be doing again until my children are much older. There is some truth to being just too tired to function - especially when you stay up past midnight every night in spite of being exhausted just to get some quiet time alone. That's a habit I am having a terrible time breaking. Right now I have a massive headache and it hurts to keep my eyes open, but here I sit typing instead of getting up and going to bed. This happens every night. It's like I need someone to push me up the stairs and into bed. I can't seem to do anything right for myself lately.

But I'm going to go to bed now. It's almost a full two hours earlier than I usually get to bed - it's quarter to eleven - and we'll see if I can work on this sleep thing. That should probably be my first goal. Get myself rested, caught up - while of course still trying to MF, not giving up there - but I am so sleep deprived that it's really not even safe. I'm going to forget something major one of these days like looking before I turn into traffic and that is not even funny. I need to start looking at getting enough sleep as a way to protect my kids, because I can't be there for them if I can barely get through my day. Off to bed I go. I look forward to getting to know everyone again!

[katieb920]

I've hovered there ever since, and I think the key has been water. Even when I was not even trying to be on a diet, I kept drinking 80oz of water a day. So that's an interesting note for life. Water, for whatever reason, helps me not gain. I think after eight or nine weeks there's enough of a pattern for me to draw conclusions like that from.

Hey Girlie,

I totally just wrote the same thing in my journal about the water......... LOL I have not been on plan but I have been drinking my water which is really helping me maintain....

Sorry you are going through a lot right now. We are definitely here for you..

[oksoonergirl26]

Hey! It's great to hear from you again. Keep checking in.

[sidrah]

Weird............I was just going to send you a message last night to see what was up! I was reading old posts in the Studio and saw yours in there.

Half on is better than none on. I was kind of moving in that same direction this week. All good up to dinner and then whoooshhhh. But I am drinking lots of water, so the bathroom runs are frequent. The school year is almost over; I am counting the days. It's gotta be better soon. I am also loooking for a second job, maybe teaching on-line. If I can sit and update my resume, then I can actually apply. I think sometimes when you keep busier you get more done. That was always true for me when I was in school and now, too. Don't know why.

ANyway, hope you have a great day. Good to see you again.

[nickieluv]

Hey Katie! I guess we're officially water converts now. I always hated the stuff, even as a kid, but now I'm die hard about it. And the really nice thing is that my kids ask for water - they think it's a treat! Even given the choice of milk or juice, they will ask for water. Love it!! Although of course they are still getting their milk every day.

Sooner, thanks for the welcome back! I went back and forth about coming here - when I was successful, this place was a part of that for sure, but lately I've been so not successful that I was afraid being here would not be good for me. I guess that remains to be seen but I appreciate the hello.

Sidrah, I hear you on the end of school. I cannot wait. This year has been pretty much awful. Although I shouldn't say that, it hasn't been a total disaster or anything, but it certainly has not been one I'll remember fondly. I relish the fresh start that September brings. Assuming I get another fresh start. They are eliminating music positions all around us, and I am starting to get scared that I'm going to be out the door. I don't know how it works with seniority and all that, but it's possible that the only position I could get would be at the high school level, and I don't see how I could make that work with two small children and the possibility of another on the horizon. High school music jobs are very stressful and there is a ton of after school and out of school time required. I'm just finishing up a musical run that I swore I'd never do again, but if I had a high school job my life would be like this all the time. Then, this is a contract year for my husband's company, and there is a possibility that the plant will close and he will be out of a job. Can you imagine if we both lost our jobs? I don't even want to think about it. I never really thought that I could lose my job. I honestly thought music was mandated - but apparently that is only at the secondary level. Through 6th grade there are no requirements - and I don't have any kind of backup plan. I don't have double certification - music is all I'm qualified to do, without going back to school for an elementary education masters degree - but then I have to get certified in el ed, and I'm subject to all the new requirements which are a load of crap.

I forgot what I got on here initially to say. Oh, that I was totally off today, not even half on. I had just decided that I was throwing away my money every day having three MF meals and then going off in the evenings. But I feel horrible right now. I had been doing really well, not stuffing myself, but this week I have eaten just terribly. I know it's the stress and the hectic schedule but that's not a very good reason. Or excuse. Just two more nights of this musical and I'm done. Then it'll just be something else stressing me out, but at least I'll be home more. I know that I need to get on a diet and get going with an exercise plan - thinking I can change without exercise is silly at best. I crave that feeling of lightness and energy and I know I can have that again. I've forgotten what it felt like, though - I can try to imagine it but I feel trapped in my body, like it's not worth even trying to move. But then part of me wants to get up and run and run and run - just to feel free, to feel happy, to feel strong. I'm thinking of doing a couch to 5K program outline that I found online (they are everywhere!) but that's about as far as I get - thinking about it, not actually doing it.

Well, I am exhausted but still not getting to bed. I keep waiting - tomorrow I'll sleep, this weekend I'll sleep - it never happens. I'm going to run myself into the ground pretty soon. I was spacing out at the show tonight - forgetting to play, zoning out, struggling to keep my eyes open in the middle of a song. I just don't really care about the show anymore. I want it done, that's all. And I feel badly because I know it's important to the kids and I am letting them down in some way. But I don't feel badly enough to care more about it. Oh, well. I am babbling, no surprise to anyone who's been acquainted with me here before. Off to see who else around here is losing their jobs and then going to bed.

[sidrah]

I saw that couch potato to 5K. Looks interesting. I hear ya on the double certificaiton. I'm sped certified, so I am certified up the whazoo...Elementary, Secondary, Learning disability sped, cross-categorical sped, HQ Math HS, HQ ENglish HS, SEI. It does not seem worth it especially if that is not your thing. HS music is time consuming. Where I work, the HS program is set, but not the K-5. Starting next school year--The HS band teacher goes to the Jr. High once a day for beginning . The HS still has band, drama, choir, dance, piano, but as far as I know, K-5 has squat 10-11 year. Don't even think about both of you being out of work. See if there is something, a test or something, so you can get elem. certified. Better to have it than nothing. I am in the process of finding a date to take the CA cert. test in the hopes of going out after next school year. My NY cert. expired and I shouldn't have let it. I want to be able to go to San Diego already being certified. I knwo how you feel. Hope you bhear soon how it will go. Our district already told 33 teachers adios, so as much as it sucks, at least they know and can look. Last minute plans are the worst. Have a great day.

[nickieluv]

Doing some reading on the forums - not really posting - just catching up. There are a lot of reminders here for me. People talking about getting in the zone. And how good that feels. I do remember it - the feeling of strength, lightness, and energy. Just the total opposite of how I feel when I'm giving my body worthless fuel. It is just so hard and it's pathetic that I feel scared about not eating junk food. And yes, I am scared of losing weight. I am afraid of who I will be, how I will be perceived - plus how will I feel, and can I really even do it in the first place? Being under 200 pounds seems so unattainable sitting here at 270+. And to know that after that, there is still so much farther to go? I am in a place where I am daunted by the sheer size of the task before me, the time commitment, the fear of 'giving up' so much and not being at all positive that it will be worth it.

Except I know it will be, but still these fears persist. I guess I am afraid of changing my life. Things will be different. My relationships will change. My hobbies and habits will change. The person I am at the end will not look or feel much like the person I am now. And while that may be a good thing, it is still a scary thing.

I am not saying out loud or to myself that I am starting up tomorrow. I am just going to see what happens. Planning to start has not gone well so even though it's usually risky to leave these things to moods and chance, that's what I'm going to do.

Any thoughts on not eating L&G during this work week to see if I can disconnect completely from food for a bit? Also risky, but maybe better to just go 'cold turkey' at the moment?

[sidrah]

Maybe for lunch or when yu are out in the middle of the day have oatmeal cookies or muffins and a salad. I eat cucumbers instead of the allotted pickles. I figure less sodium is better. Then, that can be something more solid to get through the day. If it works, go for it.

[oksoonergirl26]

I totally understand your fears, it is a scary thing having to overhaul everything in your life and you really do have to change everything. Also, I think that there is such a level of comfort in being unhappy with yourself, because it is easy to just give and give up. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I am not meaning for it to be, I am trying to say that I understand and sympathize. I finally had to break down and go get some professional help to deal with some of my issues, so I can keep up with this life change. The relationship change is difficult, because it isn't just you and your husband, it is you and food, your family and you, your family's relationship with you and food, your friends and your friend's relationships with food....and so it goes. I am thankful that my husband and I both got on the healthy thought wagon at the same time for once. He keeps me motivated and I keep him motivate and we both agree that we don't ever want to go back to the way were. The hardest ones for me to deal with are mine and his family, because when they visit or we visit them all they want to do is eat, go eat, or make something to eat....His mom is very inactive and doesn't like to move around much. My mom loves to cook and feed people, so they will compliment her. I wouldn't go "cold turkey" it is too hard, I am too used to eating more food than that.

[nickieluv]

My husband has been trying to lose weight - he's done pretty well I guess, even though I keep track of his numbers for him I don't even know how much he has lost! Not being very supportive of him, I guess.

It is hard to think of other things to represent love, besides food. Growing up, food was love. If my Dad wanted to show me he was thinking of me, he'd buy me a snack. He managed a grocery store so I can't really blame him - food was handy. But I find myself doing the same thing. When I am out, I am highly likely to pick up some little food treat for my husband to show I was thinking of him. And over the years, he has taken to doing the same for me. So when either of us is dieting, it is hard for the other to break that habit of buying treats. And I try to avoid it with my girls, but I have noticed lately that when my youngest is getting into something she shouldn't, or not doing something she should, I'll say 'do you want a drink' or 'do you want a snack' to try to redirect her attention. I know this is horrible parenting - I should be offering her my attention, redirect her to a game or a book - but I do it nonetheless. And the second the words are out of my mouth, pretty much automatically, I feel guilty - but then what do you do? The good part is that these snacks are not junk food. My kids eat much more healthy foods than I do. But that's only a matter of time - they will copy what they see once they are old enough to choose, right?

None of this has much of anything to do with my diet, though. I just need to do it. The last two days I have had two supplements - breakfast and lunch - then nothing until I get home from work, at which point I have something naughty. Still keeping up with the water, yes, that's good - but I need to do two things to get on track with the eating. One, I need to get up earlier so that I have time to have a supplement before I go to work. That will allow me to fit in a second before lunch. Secondly, I need to remember to have a bar after lunch. They are right in my desk, handy as can be, but I constantly forget to eat until it's time to go home, and then I think I should save the bar and have a shake at home since I waited so long anyway, but I know full well when I get home that I will not make that shake, and I'll be off the rest of the night. This is not a new pattern for me - it's been happening since the new year, whenever I try to be on plan.

These are relatively simple things to do. But being up until one in the morning does not make it easy to get up earlier. I also think I should be exercising, because that will get me on track for the day and help me remember to make healthy choices so that I don't 'waste' my workout. But again, that requires getting up early and I just will never be a morning person. What would be cool is if I could exercise at night - I obviously have tons of energy at night anyway - and then shower before bed. There's no reason not to, if that is what will work for me. And that might help the eating, too, because who wants to exercise with a full stomach? Not me. Maybe I will try that tomorrow - work out at night. The only downside is that my hair looks awful the next morning when I shower at night, and the only styling tools I own are a comb, brush, and water spray bottle. I'm getting it cut on Friday - maybe I can ask for something that will look good even after I sleep on it!

Well, I'm going to bed - really, truly, I am. Tomorrow is a new day and I will just keep plugging away at this until I figure out how to make it work. But I think a big part of this is accepting that I will have to change forever. I have always thought that if I could just lose the weight, I could still do everything the same and stay thin. Never mind that doing what I've been doing has made me gain all the weight in the first place. It's just this delusion I've held on to. But I realize that if I want to maintain the weight loss, I have to change. I have to be a more active person. I have to exercise for the rest of my life. I cannot ever again sit down with a carton of ice cream and eat the whole thing and then wish there were more in the freezer. I can't eat so much that I can hardly move. And reading these things you might not see why I'm so afraid to give them up, but it's what I know. It is partially how I define myself. I can't quite picture a life where I come home from work and I actually still have energy left to play and live and do things. Would it be great? Would I be bored all the time because I want to do something and there's nothing to do? It's just silly to even worry about this stuff when I am no where near any type of change. But I do.

OK, I really am going to bed now. I'm glad to be back here and venting again. But as I read in Joy's journal that she wants to be a positive influence here and not come here just to talk about slip-ups, I felt the same way. I am going to need to work through some stuff that I obviously never worked through the first time around - I'm starting to think that losing weight back then was some sort of miracle - but after I get through that, and maybe even during, I want to get to know everyone again and start helping out. So the first step is sleep. As I said a few days ago. But I'm going to force myself to go to bed at the same time as my husband for the rest of the week. Promise.

[oksoonergirl26]

I understand about the food=love relationship. I am a great cook, my mom is great cook and I swear that my dad only married my mom because of her cooking. They have been divorced for over 30 years and he still talks about her food....for a long time cooking was the only thing I was good at and (like my mom) I liked being told how great things tasted and having people ask me to cook for them or give them recipes. It was/is hard to give up on something that gave me confidence. I am cooking more now since I am no longer being strict and I forgot how good it feels to make a meal for those you love-so I try to make it as healthy as possible. My son also asks me to cook things for him-things that I cooked when his dad and I were together and he doesn't get to eat anymore and of course I comply, thankfully though he is very active, doesn't drink cokes, and limits his sweets. Why on earth can't you sleep???? I am usually dead to the world by 11:00/11:30, but I HATE waking up in the mornings as well. I exercise in the evenings because I am not and never will be a morning person. I shower before bed and heavily rely on ponytail holders and jaw clips for my hair-I won't cut it short because I need that. Can you eat a supplement on the way to work, instead of before work? I am lucky because the big kiddos don't mind when I snack in front of them. I am so happy to see that you are trying to work through your frustrations with this and if you need anything please let me know.

[oksoonergirl26]

Oh Nickie-where have you gone?

[sidrah]

I was just stopping in to see how things were going....

Sending good wishes. Hope things at school went well this year end.

[nickieluv]

The best part of the school year was the end! But, onward from here, and September brings a new start (and a new classroom - they moved me AGAIN, that's every single year now - grrrr!).

I was thinking of the gang here because I am back on the wagon tomorrow. We have 31 days until our Disney trip and there's all this buzz about the Harry Potter ride at Universal not fitting fatties, and I don't know if I can possibly lose enough weight to fit into those seats, but I have to try. Hey, it's not a great reason to lose weight, but it's motivation. Plus I can do this for 31 days - I have all that fun at Disney to look forward to, and while I don't plan to be on plan down there, historically I have not gone nuts and binged at Disney - I'm too busy to eat that much!

Then, when we return I'll be back on plan until I get pregnant. Then, I will have to think of a way to modify the transition phase so that I hopefully don't totally derail my progress like I did the last time. I have managed I think to put behind me the fact that I once lost 80-90 pounds, somewhere in there, and then wound up keeping off only 5 of it. I am not feeling frantic about losing the weight, but I am trying very hard to be excited about it. I want to keep a good attitude - the "I get to have MF!" feeling instead of "I miss all my crap food" feeling. I know I can kick butt on this program - I've spent a long time flirting with it and trying to find something else I could do successfully, but I think MF is it for me. I would love to lose 30 pounds before getting pregnant - if I could manage to lose 60, then I'd be about where I was when I conceived the last time. That would be awesome, but would also require not getting pregnant right away, so I am on the fence about that number. But I just want to stay on, first and foremost. My only goal in the next 31 days is to stay on plan and not stray even one tiny little bit. I need to do that for my self respect, so that I can show myself that I CAN do this, I AM strong enough, and I will NOT let food win the battles.

I'm doing all bars because I like them, they are easy and convenient, they do not require thought or mixing, I can plop them in my purse whenever I go anywhere, so they make my plan almost excuse-proof. I say almost because in the past I've found ways, but this time I really want to do it right. And when I say all bars, I do intend to have a L&G each day as well - not going full fast. Although I've considered that, because I really hate having to think about my food and work for it. But I always get too hungry and end up having extra supplements or totally derailing. This does mean I have to go shopping for L&G stuff to cook, though, so maybe I'll do an every-other-day thing. I don't know. I make too many plans. I need to go with the flow.

Anyway, that's the buzz over here. I probably will not be checking in too much because my daughter is old enough to have a life now and she is keeping me busy every day of the summer running her around. But I WILL be posting a 'trip weight' before we leave. I'm starting at about 274 - I'll get the official number in the morning. And I think maybe I will try to put away the scale and not weigh until we leave for the trip. If I don't know what I weigh, I can't rationalize going off plan or treating myself to some unhealthy thing or other just because of a 'good day' on the scale. Plus I could do some measurements, too, that would be interesting to see. Because I also want to exercise every day (we'll see how far I get with that one) - but, in the end, as I said, my goal is just to stay on the plan without deviation. Totally rock it. And see what my hard work gets me in 31 days. If anybody wants to start a pool, be my guest. I'll put ten bucks on me losing 20 pounds. :-)

[katieb920]

Hey Nickie Girl,

So glad your back, I missed you here, I love reading your post. You will so be able to lose 20#. Just be careful on the bars not melting in your purse. That happened to me the other day. I put 3 of the peanut butter chocolate in my purse and it was a mess when i tried opening them. Totally understand about running around because your children are super busy. Every night this week Matthew has been out. He is a little older he is 12. But geesh I am so freaking tired picking him up at 10pm. I am usually in bed at that time.

Good luck