The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

Yes, you CAN do it!! I know it's scary, but it'll be SO worth it.

And remember that YOU'RE worth it, too. Even if you don't think so yet. Even if you don't think you deserve to be happy, your GIRLS deserve a happy mom who can teach them how to be happy, too. So do it for all of you.

And as someone just pointed out to me yesterday, tears are nothing to be scared of. They're just salty water.

[sidrah]

You know what I admire about you? You tell the truth and you let people in on what you feel. I could never do that and there is honestly no one person I know, family or not, that knows most of the stuff about me. I am guarded and only let people know what I want them to know. I never slip up because everything I say is calculated. Simply put, I don't trust anyone enough.

Just reading back over what you wrote, you do let it out and you are willing to let people in. You have someone there to help you and you took the initiative to call the counselor. Might as well just let it all out and take the help you can.

Who wants perfect?? IS that your goal? It seems like you want something different and want to feel differently, but I think you have such a great start that you can and will do what you know you need to do. I don't know you and I already know you are caring, articulate, loving, educated, family-oriented, have an awesome vocabulary, and you are goal-oriented. And yes, those are skills I count very highly in other people.

So, go on Saturday. Heck, write down what you feel and bring it. Make the most of it. Like DogMa said, salty water....You are worth it.

[Karli]

Hi Nickie ! You can do this ! It may not be easy (but then again, it doesn't *have* to be super difficult, either), but you can totally do this ! It may feel awkward at times, as though you are actually peeling clothing from yourself and somehow exposing something of who you are, but, that's actually exactly what you want, I believe. I mean, seriously, do any of us *truly* want to stay hidden within these strange shields and shackles beyond our control ?? I would say not ! Yes, sometimes we truly need to be protective, but it should be something we have a sense of freedom and control about, and there is a point where it just becomes destructive to oneself.

Speaking of nakedness, do you know that I saw some guy, standing on a corner, waiting to cross the busiest street in my town, completely in the buck, except for a towel around his neck ? Okay, just had to throw that in there ! Apparently it's legal here ... and he is deciding to take advantage of that legality !

I told my hubby about it and we both agreed that we could understand the draw to some degree, though we don't feel the need to "go there" ... however, I think that we may feel like we are doing something like that at times just by committing to a change in our lives. There is a freedom in no longer being afraid to be oneself though, and you deserve to live like that (not naked, but free ! Well, live naked if you want to, don't mean to judge ... hee hee).

Anyway, I am so glad you moved your appointment forward. You know, there was a time when I was very much in and out of counselor's and therapist's offices, and I know it can be pretty tough to open up sometimes. There was actually a time when I went in and sat in complete silence. I actually couldn't get myself to utter a word for the *entire* appointment ! Not one, single word ! Just do what you can, okay ?

[DogMa]

I struggle with therapy, too. I tend to go in and just sit and tell funny anecdotes because I'm more comfortable with that. What I need is a therapist who won't let me do that, but so far they all have. Sigh.

It's funny, because there's been a lot of talk about similar issues on my other boards, too. So I had a dream the other night that I totally can't remember now. But when I first woke up, it was very fresh, and I knew immediately that the whole thing was about the fear of losing weight. All I remember is it was something about having to move to a much smaller home, and being afraid about it. It was VERY vivid, and I woke up and was thinking about it, and right away realized that smaller home = smaller body. What I wasn't sure about was whether those were actually MY fears or if the whole thing was just a reflection of the discussions going on. Because I don't THINK I'm afraid of losing at this point. It seems kinda silly after all this weight and all this time.

Oops, sorry about the hijack. Stream of consciousness.

[oksoonergirl26]

Well....at least you guys aren't dreaming about stuffing your face with three chili cheese coneys from Sonic. I don't eve like hot dogs and during my nap today I dreamed about Chinese food (which I also don't like). It scares me so bad that I don't want to get on the scale in the mornings..I am afraid I will start sleepwalking and end up at the refrigerator pigging out.

[Karli]

Nickie, this day feels strange without a journal post from you for me to read today !

[sidrah]

Yup, what she said..

[nickieluv]

I didn't realize I didn't post today! I've been on a few times, reading posts, responding here and there. Nothing much to report. I'm going to be on plan tomorrow, trying this mess again, and I'm hoping I come away from the counselor with some sort of kick ass attitude adjustment. I got that feeling again tonight - like I was not allowing myself to be happy. Remembering how I've felt guilty for everything good that has happened to me. How I've explained good things away by saying they were a fluke or a mistake. Not taking any credit for the work I've done, or even just not letting myself be grateful for what I have. I want it to stop but I have no idea how to go about it without feeling selfish and 'bad.' But at least I can try to eat the right foods. I had the greatest grasp on my mindset for MF and I've lost it today - it was right there, it was just what I needed, but I didn't write it down or anything and now I can't quite remember it. Something about fighting the urge to cheat by telling that damn voice that I deserve to be happy and it can just shut the hell up. I want to embrace my blessings instead of being afraid of losing them all the time. So tomorrow should be interesting....

[nickieluv]

Oh, yes, also my Sunday weigh-in is going to be atrocious. And it never comes off as fast the second time around, so I imagine it will be a few weeks before I see the 250s again....

But that doesn't matter as long as I am doing the work and moving in the right direction. I guess I never got out of the 'magical thinking' stage of development, still wishing things will change when I'm not changing anything. I do want to be different. Better. Healthier.

My grandmother died May 17th - the day after my 31st birthday - and my daughter is having a really hard time with it. She's acting out, throwing tantrums, angry all the time. And we starting reading a book together about grief, trying to get her to talk about things. Tonight she said 'if you died, I would be OK because I would go with Gram and (her aunt).' I told her that was exactly right. But then she started to cry and say how much she would miss me, and would never get to hug and kiss me again. I promised her that I was going to do everything I could to make sure I could be with her for as long as possible. And as I said that, I felt guilty, like a big liar, because here I sit morbidly obese and still not doing anything about it - I could drop dead at any moment. Of course, so could we all, even perfectly healthy people - but I'm NOT doing everything I can to stay with her and that's not fair to her - or to her sister, or to my husband, my family, or me. I want to see her first day of school, all her accomplishments, her graduation, marriage, children - I am not helping things by being the way I am about food. And to see how she is acting with Grandma gone, how could I stand to put her through the pain of losing me? Because she would not be better off without me, she needs me, I'm 31 and I still need my mother all the time.

I'm not sure why I'm being so morbid this evening - I guess I'm just trying to shore up my defenses when the tough times come during this war I'm about to wage on myself. On behalf of myself. Do I know how to be happy without doing everything I can to ruin it? I hope I can learn.

[sidrah]

I wonder if you could get out for an hour or so a day and just take a walk or bike ride or do something for the dual purpose of getting free time and getting those endorphins flowing to give you that pep. Maybe if you knew every night at a set time you could get out and just have no responsibilities for an hour or two... Get over the number on the scale. You have been eating better, if not perfect, and drinking lots of water. I keep thinking that if I could buy clothes 2 sizes smaller, that would be what made me happy regardless of what the scale says. You are the only one who knows what theat number says.

It was 3 years on Easter and I still take my lunch to the cemetery all the time and just sit there and read or clean up the old flowers. I don't know how close you are, but I have a feeling both of you could use some quality time visiting. Write a card and leave it there, sit and talk. You are allowed to need your mom, Sometimes you don't need an answer back, you just need to get it out and say it out loud.

[Karli]

Okay, Nickie ! Thanks for posting in . So, today you have your appointment, and that is *great* ! And, you are aiming to put yourself on plan today. And, I find it *very* interesting that your daughter is feeling the way she is about your grandmother and about you, and that this is helping you to be thinking about your choices ! That is actually a blessing for you.

Let us know how things are going, okay ? . Thinking about you .

[nickieluv]

Thank you for the support, ladies. Sid, I don't know what I'd do without my mom - I would go on, I'd survive, but I hope I don't have to find out anytime soon. I am so prone to shutting down all my emotions that I think it would be a very bad scene. When I said 'Grandma' I meant my gram - my daughter called her Grandma, too, instead of using the 'great' in front of it. I have a feeling that she was more a fixture in my daughter's life than in mine, but the work we are doing at bedtime with this book about children and grief seems to be helping things along for her and for me, too. Although after 3 days she wanted a change so we started reading 'Swiss Family Robinson' together. I suppose you can't expect a 3-year-old to grieve forever. We'll see if her tantrums and angry outbursts are better this week after the talking we've been doing.

The counseling appointment went well Saturday - I have homework. I'm supposed to write up some 'positive thoughts' that I can read to myself once a day to try to 'retrain my brain' for a more healthy self-image. All the quotes are my way of saying that I think this is very corny. But it's my assignment so I'll do it, and do it fully.

I still have a little resistance to treating myself well. I keep thinking that it will equate to selfishness and vanity. My counselor says I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum from those things and I need to find the healthy medium. But still - my initial reaction, when I try to build myself up, is that I am doing something wrong by focusing on the good things about myself.

Here is an example of my 'stinkin thinkin' - - I have two diplomas hanging on the wall in very pretty, expensive frames (gifts from my Dad - the frames, not the diplomas!). When I think about those degrees, I feel that I didn't earn them because it came too easy to me. I didn't work hard enough, I could have done more, therefore they don't count at all.

To be more reasonable, I say to myself that it doesn't matter if it wasn't that hard. I did the work, I spent the hours writing papers, practicing, doing projects, and all the other stuff required. It doesn't matter if I'm too lazy to pursue a doctorate, because I don't really WANT to work that hard. I have other things to do with my time and they are very worthwhile and just because I am CAPABLE of doing something, doesn't mean I have to do it.

Can I confess? I feel really GOOD when I think the more 'reasonable' way, when I let myself feel proud of what I've done, or at least acknowledge that I have truly accomplished something. I feel full in a way that has nothing to do with food. I really like that feeling. I could get used to it, and do a lot more of it, but would I turn into some egomaniac then? My counselor says she doesn't think that's in me, to become that kind of person. I suppose that since I'm used to thinking nothing good about myself ever, even thinking something a little bit positive feels like too much.

So, I am trying to remember that I am a worthy person. Worthy of love and respect. That it's OK to be proud (or maybe that is not the right word), as long as I am not boastful or egotistical about it. That I don't have to be all things to all people, but I do need to be more supportive of myself. That it's OK to love myself, and that wanting the world at large to love me is never going to fill the void.

I have to work on my 'affirmations' or 'positive self-talk' or whatever you want to call it. I think they will be a work in progress as I try to find the phrases that really affect me. But somewhere in here, I must know that I am good and worthy, because I have not ever given up on myself. I have reached so many goals and milestones in life, and reached them well - sometimes exceptionally well - and I think that would have been impossible if I REALLY believed that I am worthless. Somewhere I have inner strength, or a little core of my being that is fighting against all the self-inflicted abuse and crying out for better treatment.

Well, those are my ramblings for the night. I am going to try to be on plan tomorrow, even with only a few hours of sleep. I'm never going to lose any weight if I don't get started. So even though it's scary to 'give up' things that I have been using to give myself love, I need to really DO something instead of just talking about it. And maybe, when I get that page of phrases done, it can be a bastion against the urge to cheat. Because I have a feeling that what I think is entitlement is really punishment. That I eat and spend only to spoil my chances at enjoying all the blessings I have. That it's just another form of greed. And I have never thought of myself as a greedy person - quite the opposite - so once I identify these behaviors that are hurting me, making me someone I don't want to be, maybe I will have more incentive to change them.

If you made it this far - a digital high five to you for your diligence!

[sidrah]

High five right back at ya'

You know what? Feeling pride is another word for self-respecting, pleased, and beaming with your accomplishments. It need not be a negative thing.

I am one hundred percent with you on the diplomas hanging on the wall thing and for the same exact reasons. I didn't know anyone else felt that way, too. My mom would always tell me that people have a hard time getting through college and I should be proud of the degrees. I always felt like it wasn't really that hard and I didn't want to make a big deal of it. Either way, though, you did earn them even if by virtue of sticking with the program, making a financial committment, making yourself more marketable for your family of the future. So, you did do something more, in the end, than just writing some papers.

I tend to agree with moderation in feelings! Be happy for yourself while keeping others accomlishments in mind. Give and accept praise. When you can see others do something worthy of a positive comment, you start seeing that you yourself have accomplished many of those things and are equally as worthy.

My AOL away messages are from Dr. Seuss...a by-product of teaching K before HS

-You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.

And I will leave you with my most favorite story ever. So favorite I almost based my whole dissertation on it and it is likely going to be on my dedication page. Enjoy an oldie but goody.


"Oh, the Places You'll Go! "

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

[nickieluv]

Thank you, Sid. I actually have two copies of that book - both my Dad and my drama teacher must have read the same 'gifts for grads' article back in '95. I will tell the truth - I kind of skimmed it. I thought it might make me want to be on plan today and I wasn't ready to make that decision this morning when I popped in. But the parts that registered made me get all teary. I'll call it PMS.

But - I know exactly why I'm having a hard time the last couple of days. I have to go to my OB on Wednesday and I am petrified of the 'you're fat' conversation. I can't remember what I weighed in February when I went there last, but I know it was a lot to him, and my word what will he say if I weigh more this time? I guess a smart person would have gotten right on plan the day she made the appointment and tried to do her best. But I find myself thinking that if I'm going to get yelled at anyway why bother?

I have my plan of attack all set, though. If he gives me a hard time about wanting to go on the pill because it can cause weight gain, I am going to tell him that I'm working on sticking to a diet plan, I am in counseling, it would be a hell of a lot more risky for me to be pregnant right now than to take a little pill every day, and on top of everything I'm working on it would be nice to just be able to have sex with my husband when the opportunity presents itself, which is not all that often with two little girls in the house, without having to worry that it's going to lead to baby #3. And if he says the pill is less effective in morbidly obese women, then I will tell him that I can count and I'd be happy to use a second method when I'm ovulating for extra insurance.

Not that you all wanted to know my contraception strategy. I just find that I have to plan these kinds of things out ahead of time, or I will just go in there and smile and nod and walk out without what I need and want. Sticking up for myself, especially with doctors, has never been easy for me. I'm so worried about giving the 'right' answer that I don't really get what I came for.

So I guess that, once again, I've exhausted all the possibilities for off-plan foods. I am reminded of one of Sidrah's posts because I am definitely NOT MediGas free. I am back to feeling gross and huge and I am, actually, because the bloat has all come back and I am loathe to find out how much longer it's going to take to get rid of it this time. I just know those 12 pounds I lost are not going to leave me as quickly this time - they never do. I hate exercise, but I am thinking of doing something even if it's just going for a walk with the girls after breakfast every morning (which actually sounds kind of nice). We are close to a cemetery and it might be weird of me but I've always liked walking in cemeteries. Looking at the headstones, reading names and dates, enjoying the peace and quiet, wondering who these people were. Plus it's safer in there than on the roads or (sometimes nonexistent) sidewalks in our town. Which is all relative because I'm sure what I call traffic some of you would call a quiet street. And I can just hear the laughter from all you big-city dwellers if I told you that, compared to where I grew up (we didn't even have a traffic light, and the nearest McDonald's was 20 miles away), this IS the big city. Because there are restaurants and gas stations and a Wal-mart.

I am really in need of sleep. Another good thing about me being on MF is that I go to bed a whole lot earlier so that I can have a good weight drop and also so I won't eat. I am just going to have to push my big ole self tomorrow to get with the program. I have some very cute summer tops that I cannot wear right now, but at least I could try to be in them by vacation (whatever that ends up being - now my husband isn't sure he wants to go to Florida in August any more, so we might do Myrtle Beach instead. Or - ugh - stay home and take day trips all summer long on the weekends. NOT my idea of a vacation!).

So, off I go to end my day. Tomorrow will be a great day. I will be on plan. I will take a walk after breakfast with the girls. I will make time to return some phone calls I've been putting off, when the baby is sleeping. I will work on my 'homework' from the counselor.

I won't call tomorrow 'day one.' I'm not going to count the days at all. My day one was May 24th, even though I've had a bad backslide. I can't keep moving my start date because I mess up. That's cheating the figures. Anyway, it doesn't matter how many days I am on plan, how many days I don't cheat, or how many days I do cheat. The only day that matters is the one I am living in the moment.

[sidrah]

...that matters is the one I am living in the moment.

You got it. Dude!