The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[sidrah]

I don't know if I ever said what I do.. I know I said I was a teacher, but the who and what part. So, anyway, I teach high school special ed. mixed 9-12 for kids with have emotional and behavioral disorders. I love it and cannot imagine anywhere else. I get to teach Algebra, History, and English (and unfortunately Science) all day to about 15 um, let's say young men and women who have some issues.

Let me tell you I cannot get one sub to cover for me when I am gone. It takes a certain person to work with the kids and I feel enormous guilt when I am out. I am torn between thinking everyone else takes time off and is fine doing stuff at home why am I sitting here worrying all day.. I might as well just be there and on the other hand thinking that someone else gets to see how much I really do each day and it is kind of nice to get done what I need to do and finally be appreciated for what I do even if no one says it out loud. Everyone else's hesitance to be in my place lets me know that I really am doing pretty well.

I can definitely see how being at home and being asked to return is both a conflict and a blessing. You think that being home means you miss something at work but being at work means you miss something at home. I think I would have made the same decision that you did. I do not think that being at home would be the same thing if you had to go back in a little while and finish up school the year. This way you can start fresh and not worry about catching up or walking in in the midle of things. You get to "relax" at home and focus on that and right now that's where you need to be for you and the family.

As for starting again- When you are ready to, you will. I know all about changing the start date over and over.

Have a good day!!

[nickieluv]

Thanks Leigh and Teresa. I have no regrets about my decision. In fact, the episode has made me appreciate my time at home more. It reminded me that the time will end, and now I look at my girls a little differently and I find that I've had a renewal of patience. I was getting very used to being at home, and going back to work seemed very far away. When I got that call and suddenly it was possible I'd be going back in a month, it woke me up to what I really have here and how precious it is.

While I was falling asleep last night (back to MF here) I decided that I'm being very negative about it. I keep talking about what I'm giving up by going back on plan. The foods I won't have for a while. But you know, that's the only negative I can think of. So why am I focusing all my energy on that when there are so many positives?

1 - losing weight
2 - gaining energy
3 - no worries about what to eat or cook
4 - saving money on groceries and fast food
5 - feeling proud of myself
6 - getting healthier
7 - getting back into all those smaller clothes I have lying around
8 - preparing my body to have another healthy pregnancy
9 - being a good example to my older daughter by not eating junk
10 - feeling all around GREAT

I'm sure I could think of more but those are the ones that came out without too much effort. If I were looking at all the positives, I can't imagine why I'd wait one more minute to start. And yet, I do wait. I think about it every morning - I could start today, I say to myself - but I don't. I can't figure out what I'm waiting for.

I guess I'm gearing up. I want this time to be the last time. I don't want to have a single cheat. I want to stay perfectly on plan from now until that little plus sign shows up on the stick. And then, transition instead of just jumping off plan. And be smart while pregnant and keep the weight gain under control. I want my mind completely ready to do those things, I want it to be the most important thing to me for the next six months. And I know I CAN do it, if I'm completely there, on board 100%, focused on my goals.

And all that takes some mental preparation I think. Plus I'm afraid I'll fail. There's always that little item. I know it will feel so good to do it, though. It will feel wonderful. And it will make me a happier person, a more patient person, because I will be showing myself some attention and nurturing myself, and that will help me nurture others.

[ChynnaDoll]

Heyyy gurl! the light bulb went off i see:+) NOW, you are really ready to get down to business and succeed:+)))) I agree with everything Teresa and Leigh have said...you CANNNN do this!...and i too, think you made the right decision about staying at home afterall with the girls

Chynna

[nickieluv]

I am here and I have begun. This is it. I feel angry and determined and impatient - probably not the best emotions but if it gets me through the month then I can start sailing the more positive route.

I just felt so gross getting dressed last night. Rolls everywhere, impossible to hide without wearing baggy clothes that just make me look wider. And playing the piano, I started to wonder how it would feel to play if I didn't have to almost force my arms down to my sides sometimes (because my sides and arms are both so fat that I can't really get my arms close enough to my torso to reach things that are close together without squeezing) and what it would be like to have more than 8 inches of space on either side of a gigantic piano bench when I park my a** on it.

I felt like a Fantasia ballerina hippo last night. And again this morning. And I'm sick of it. I'm better than that. I deserve more. I don't need to be fat, I don't want to be fat, so I am finally ready to make the choices that will separate me from these 'gallons of fat' 180 spoke of once and for all.

Yes, I will gain some weight when I have the next baby. But it doesn't have to be 45 pounds again. I'll still be overweight so I can get away with gaining only 15 or less according to my doctor. I could still stay under 200 the whole time. And anyway, just because I'll gain some back is no reason to not try to lose any in the first place.

I'm ready. It's a perfect time, with one musical ending, because it feels like a new beginning right now. I'll be getting some time back, a lot of my brain power back because I won't have to worry about all that anymore, things will get back into a calmer schedule. I don't feel any desire to go off plan. No part of me is thinking about how long I should be good before I can have a cheat day. I've signed on for 180 days. It's not that long. Oh, and no charts or countdowns or any of that stuff. This diet is in the background, not front and center. My LIFE is going to be front and center, and how I eat is incidental to it.

Well, I have to go now and deal with my 3-year-old. She is having a terrible day - she hurt another kid at church, then told the rest of the kids she was better than them, and just now lied to me and told me she was not hitting the piano with anything when in fact she was. She's very upset that I sent her to her room and I just don't even know what to say to her. She's never been like this before and it's very frustrating. I don't want to raise a selfish, arrogant, lying brat. Who does? But sometimes I think I'm failing miserably.

[MyComplete180]

Oh the 3 year old, priceless. I am no longer able to have anymore children, my youngest will be 6 soon, I so remember days JUST like that. I always found the hardest thing to do was not smile as I try to correct their behavior


I envy your job, my good friend here works with MOD middle school students, she has a talent, as I am sure you do. It takes a great teacher for the work and subs just don't get it unless they too are very special.

[nickieluv]

Thank you for the story, Leigh, I can relate! When she had her kidney infection, it took us weeks to figure it out, and that whole time she was weepy and horrible to be around. I don't think it's an illness this time, but I do remember how horrible I felt not knowing why she was so sad - I thought it was baby blues from her sister arriving.

Once I got her upstairs and alone we were able to talk a bit. She said she hurt that little girl because she (my daughter) asked the little girl to hold her hand, and the little girl (pastor's daughter, by the way, just my luck!) said no. Well, my daughter didn't like that answer and grabbed her around the neck to make her stop walking away. We talked about what she should do next time (just say 'that's OK') because not everyone has to do what she wants all the time. I think that's her being an only child for so long and just now being around other kids to socialize and learn what is appropriate.

Then I asked her where she got the idea that she was better than anybody else and she said 'you told me, mom.' Imagine how I felt then! Well, I certainly said no such thing, but I do tell her all the time that I'm lucky to have her and she's the best. So, bad on me. I explained to her that she was MY best little girl but that didn't mean she was better than anybody else.

And the lying - classic trying not to get in trouble lie. Still not OK, but understandable.

So I guess I'm not doing such a horrible job. She totally gets her temper from me, though, so I'm trying to curtail my outbursts and show her a better way to handle anger. I don't put my hands on her, though, so I'm not sure where she learned that one - but I don't believe she meant to hurt anyone. I'm just so afraid that's she going to be a horrible kid in school and get kicked out because she doesn't know how to act around other kids. And yes, because I work there, I worry a bit more than I might otherwise. I know these people, after all.

I just have to remember that usually she is an adorable, sweet, caring little girl and she will turn out just fine.

I did have a L&G today - each day it will depend on what my husband cooks. And I had a great nap this afternoon, and have to eat one more time before bed (going to bed early, trying to catch up after the show - maybe I'll read?). I feel ready now. Different. I'm not dreaming of any kind of food or the blissful day when I can eat again. I want to stay on plan and get this done as quickly as possible.

But I know I might not be perfect - this feeling might not last forever - and if something happens I'm first of all going to do all I can to fight it, and second of all I'm going to move right on the next minute, not the next day or the next week.

I'm also going to try avoiding the scale. Not too hard with my current schedule, so I'm hoping to only weigh in once a week. Then I'll have less opportunity to justify food choices to myself.

Looking forward to getting rolling, FINALLY. Off to end my day - hope everyone is doing well.

[nickieluv]

On to day 2 and I'm hungry. Not surprising but there it is. I'm reminded today of something Karli said to me not long ago - you have to want this every single day, it has to be the most important thing to you - otherwise, you'll quit. Pizza sounds awesome but instead I am nuking some water to have a bouillon cube (just ate so it's not time for a real supplement yet).

The time until this next musical is over will go quickly - if I am compliant all the way to the end of that it's 49 days, which is more than halfway through the first half of the 180 (any more fractions I can put in that sentence for anybody?)! I know I'll feel so much better by then, and it'll be easier to stay on after that much time has gone by. Heck, it'll be easier in just two weeks. This is just what I'm doing for 180 days. End of story.

I did step on the scale today - I had a thought. It only matters what the scale says if you are not really committed to the program in the first place. If a little thing like that number can make me eat, then I'm not in the right place mentally. So I am happy to report that I was out of the 260s this morning! And I feel like I've lost ten pounds in bloat - I retain water just terribly when I'm eating poorly. Even just going up the stairs last night, after one day of eating right, I felt lighter.

This is what I want. I'm going to keep going even when it's hard. No pizza for me. (Secretly I would like to lose 30 pounds by the end of the show - in these 49 days - I guess it's not a secret anymore! I won't have a fit if I don't, but it seems reasonable and boy it would be nice to be in spitting distance of the 220s by my birthday!)

[ChynnaDoll]

Gurrrrllll, i can just feel the MOTIVATION and DETERMINATION coming from you this time you WILL do it and be successful..i am SO proud of you Nickie!! Keep it up, and the BEST of luck to you my friend:+)

Chynna

[Karli]

Hi Nickie !

Great to read your successes . Sometimes it takes a breaking point of some sort to really "capture" the other side of what you know you are capable of. Those things that you felt when sitting at the piano and getting ready for the show, well, I know it probably wasn't a great feeling, but it must feel good to be able to be truly honest with yourself, and have that honesty put you somewhere that feels like you are on track.

I don't know if most of what I just said actually translates into something that makes sense to you or not, but all in all, just know that I am backing you all the way !!

[nickieluv]

Yeah, it was pretty awful on Saturday. I didn't cry or anything but I was pretty upset. I feel so feminine on the inside and to be stuck in this body that is completely androgynous really hurts when I stop to think about it. I love being a woman and always have, and I never let myself realize that it had been taken away from me.

And I hate the new avatar. I didn't think it was so bad but I'm so used to seeing that old face that the new one is a scary wake-up call. Looking forward to replacing it in a few months. I'm not sure if I should stick with my plan of posting pics every 90 days, or post them every 30 pounds like I did before. I guess I'll wait and see how long I can stand looking at that face.

Made it through today, although I was definitely hungry. I didn't end up having much of the bouillon, but I sipped at it for about 20 minutes and it got me through. I did have PB with my bar to get some more substance. Usually a major danger for me but I really am starting to believe that I only had such a hard time before because I didn't have my head in the game. It was still hard today but my focus was different and when I felt like caving, I thought about all the things I'm working for instead of the one thing (food) that I'm giving up.

I was holding my little baby tonight, putting her to bed, gazing at her, and while usually that gaze is accompanied by thoughts of the next one, tonight I was thinking about taking care of myself first and losing weight. I want another baby (or two) but what I need to think about right now is my body and my health. I want to know what my body will feel like when it's thin. Not from the outside, but from the inside - how will I move, how will I carry myself, what will it feel like to hold my kids and my husband without all the insulation I have now? I am aching to know what that will feel like. If I keep feeling this way, I might even put off the next baby in order to get to goal and maintain for a while.

I was thinking about getting older the other day. I joke that I'm old, but really 30 is not old at all. And if I don't make a change now, I'll be unable to do much of anything in ten more years, let alone twenty or thirty. I want to retire at 65 and still be able to enjoy my life for another twenty years at least. I see vital and energetic people in their 70s, and all of them are thin. I know I've damaged my body in the last ten years, carrying all this extra weight, but I can turn it around or at least stop it from getting worse. My life is not even half over (God willing), and the best is still to come - watching my children grow, sharing thier lives, seeing them find love and fulfillment and hopefully see some grandchildren too - even great-grandchildren.

It all has to start sometime - why not now? Tomorrow will be day 3 of many to come, and in the end it will be worth every morsel I said 'no' to. I can't imagine that in 30 years I would look back and regret not having a doughnut on March 30, 2009. But I can imagine looking back and regretting it if I don't take this problem in hand right this second and solve it once and for all.

I am so happy to be doing this. Medifast will take me to my goal. I can be the person on the outside that I feel like on the inside. I can be a strong, healthy, beautiful, sexy woman who enjoys life and doesn't hide out at home. I can't wait to meet her.

[MyComplete180]

You know the avatar may be a good thing to keep you going, it's so hard not to like what you see in the mirror ( or the avatar), but if you just go one shake at a time you will have a new avatar. You should reward every 10 lbs with a new avatar.


Anyhow, don't give up, this is it, this is the time to get where you are happy with you. Sorry I am not one of those love yourself as you are kinda peple, I don't like what I see at all, and I aim to do away with the things I don't like. Pizza may taste good, but the rush of shopping a size small or medium on the clearence rack is so much better.

momo like shopping...

[Lauren]

Didn't you know? Lauren's ALWAYS around. :-)

I actually wanted to comment on MyComplete's most recent post here, though, when you said "I'm not one of those love yourself as you are kinda people." I know what you mean, but I want you to consider that you ARE loving yourself by doing Medifast. Love yourself as you are doesn't have to mean that "this is it," I'm not going to progress, get fit, get that new job, try that new skill, etc. Love yourself as you are means that you recognize you deserve happiness, you deserve to treat yourself with kindness, and you deserve to find your best you. Loving yourself NOW is the most critical part of finding your future success - in my humble opinion. It wasn't until the day I started MF in November 2005 that I truly understood how to love myself.

Just thought I'd mention that.

Best to you, Nickie, and please stop forward-thinking, go with the here and now. Look at your baby in your arms and think about THAT baby, not about the future ones. Play outside with your older daughter and enjoy THAT moment. I think you rob yourself of immediate happiness sometimes by always framing it in future terms. Live now.

Just another thought.

Hmm, my head hurts, too many thoughts. Ha.

Lauren

[nickieluv]

YES on the shopping, 180. I'd forgotten how much fun it can be to look good, but on the rare occasion when I find something I think is flattering it just makes my whole day. I can't wait to be able to do that more often and have the flattering clothes be the rule and not the exception!

I do feel great, Leigh. No other options, just going to be on plan and get this done. And I was below 258 this morning even fully clothed. I know it's only 4 pounds but whereas in the past that would seem like nothing to me, this time I am trying harder to appreciate each step forward. And in some ways, now that I don't feel like some big stopwatch is clicking down to the time I *HAVE TO* be a certain weight, I believe I can afford to enjoy what losses I have instead of always bemoaning that they aren't larger. There's no timer on this journey now.

Lauren, I can't really help looking forward - that's just me. But I'm trying to make it a positive thing. No more silly charts and rewards and fol-de-rol. Not even a bunch of measurements. I have one weight tracker I use weekly and that's it. Really, the rewards were more punishment. If I didn't reach a certain amount of pounds lost, I felt I had failed. And I was tying up my happiness in these rewards, allowing it to be meted out only if I performed. Happiness shouldn't be contingent on a thing like how much you weigh. I am giving myself permission to do what I feel like when I feel like it (within reason and normal limits of course!).

When I look forward, I think about how much better I will feel, proud of myself, the goals I will reach. But no more of this nonsense of tying up my whole life in a diet. What I eat is what I eat, no more and no less, not who I am or my whole source of pleasure. By making my food choices so damned important, I completely got overwhelmed and lost sight of all the reasons I was on a diet in the first place. And it started to be that my goal was simply to be able to eat what I wanted, so of course I wasn't sticking to the diet because I can eat what I want right now - that was a stupid goal for me.

My goal now is to lose weight. It is what I want. I am finally able to put that goal above the temporary gratification of food. I don't need to worry about transition or maintenance or pregnancy weight gain or anything else right now. It's just about losing weight. Those other issues will be there when I'm done, and I can deal with them then. How could I accomplish anything when I was worrying about all of my goals for my whole life for the next five years all at once?

I know other people tried to tell me all this, but I guess I'm just stubborn and had to figure it out for myself. Now that I have, I feel unstoppable. Not unshakeable - there might be potholes on the road - but I will not be derailed. (That was an awful mixed metaphor, huh? First I'm a car, then a train....)

[nickieluv]

So finally, a journal entry that starts 'my hubby ordered pizza' will NOT end with 'so I guess tomorrow is day 1 all over again.'

Yes, folks, you read that right, I faced down pizza and wings night without even a nibble!!!!!

But I did almost skip a meal - thankfully I've been premixing my shakes at night for the next day - 4 shakes, a bar, and then my L&G. Thank goodness I do that because I lost count today and got what I thought was my last shake, to find two of them still in the fridge. No wonder I was getting so hungry after such a great on-plan day! Except for this evening, almost missing a meal, I hadn't been feeling hungry at all today - which is probably why I almost missed a meal in the first place.

I'm sort of forced to take it easy on the bars this month because I only have five boxes. I'm rationing them out and trying to use up all my other stuff, which is mostly shakes and is actually perfect for the first month since most people think they are more filling. Hopefully that will help me get through the first few weeks. I sold my mom 32 boxes of cocoa and cappuccino and she's going to pay me back by ordering two cases of bars for me next month - in the meantime I'm using up my stock. Although I'm rethinking - I might get one case of bars and then some other stuff. 2 cases is the most efficient way to use the money she's giving me, but I would be afraid I'd get sick of bars after a month. I don't have to decide right now but (maybe some of you can relate to this?) I feel a little scared that I don't have a couple months' worth of food in my cupboards. Sure, I wasn't using it for a long long time, but having it there made me feel somehow safe. And after May, I'm not sure how I'm going to find the money to order for the three months until I go back to work full time. I know if I'm being successful my husband will help me find a way to make it happen, so I won't worry about that either. See how much progress I'm making!

Day 3 done, I am rocking along and feeling amazing already. I am so glad I turned that corner finally! I guess it took feeling gargantuan to make it happen - but I don't ever want to feel that way again.

I got a bit of a worry of mine taken care of this afternoon. I am feeling so good that I kind of want the opportunity to go all the way to goal, regardless of how long it takes. I might change my mind later but I don't want the choice taken away from me, you know? So I asked my husband about this 'baby timeline' of his and he said that he'd rather I be healthy before having another baby, even if it means waiting a year or more. I'm still very keen on the timing I originally had in mind, but I also don't want to stop if I am still going strong through August. So at least now I know that he won't say 'sorry, too late' if we don't have the next baby right when we'd planned. There is nothing between me and what I want except me. And it seems I've gotten my butt in gear so hooray!

[MyComplete180]

Way to fight the PIZZA!!!! Awesome, I like your plan , lose the weight. I am sure you will do great, there is a certain high knowing you were able to not partake in the round pie of fat huh?

I find visualizing helps...

Well I need to do one more entry before I go,,,

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!