The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[katieb920]

Nickie

I so no what you are going throug right now. I am doing it to. The one thing Is I keep trying. Just like you do. I am only going on Day 4 but hopefully it will stick with me. I have actually decided not to get mad at myself anymore. It I go on and then go off, I shake it off and try again. I know I can do this. You know that you can do this. If it takes 1 time or a hundred times. It will happen. You have done it in the past. Also I am not freaking anyore about the scale and how much I lose. I know that sounds like a shocker but I am just taking 1 day at a time.

I am here for ya. We can do this. You will know when it is your time.

[Karli]

Hi Nickie,

I actually very much understand what you are going through right now, at least as far as my perspective can give me from here. What I understand is the on again off again, trying this, trying that, so on and so forth. That is what I have meant by saying that these last couple of years have been tiring. For me personally, I finally had to just give MF a complete break for a while. I finally stopped trying to be on MF at all, and I focused on eating better and making better choices. Obviously I didn't always succeed with that, either, but there were times (sometimes for entire months, which is a long time, actually), where I *was* very successful. I really needed a break from thinking so much about whether or not I "stayed on program" and who might be judging me about that, so on and so forth.

Perhaps you having a total break would be good for you, too ? If eating better is what you want to do, you can do that with or without MF. As you know, the beauty of the 5/1 true and blue is that you don't have to think, and it takes the weight off fast. But, it only does that if you stick right to it, and I think we have to be truly ready to do that emotionally and mentally. Do what's right for you, but I have done my share of trying to be half on and half off, too, and if that really works for you, that's fine. I think though that it gives your own self the wrong impression about what the supplements are about (and it's easy to get really tired of them, as well as that kind of plan) because we really don't see the loss the same way we might pipe dream it could be.

In any event, I think that whatever our true desires are, they may be cluttered by this and that, but eventually all of the "this and that" washes away, and we end up being left with whatever our true desire is.

[nickieluv]

You guys are the greatest. Thanks for being here, even when I'm not sure where I am or what I'm doing.

I was not on plan at all today - and when I'm not on plan, I may not have cravings, but I also have terrible habits. IF I have breakfast, that's all I have until late at night - for instance, I had a bowl of cereal this morning and I haven't eaten since, except to scarf some of my daughter's mac&cheese when she was done with her dinner. It's a sign of how hungry I was that it actually tasted good. Or maybe I was so hungry I didn't care what it tasted like. The other thing I do is skip breakfast and lunch but then around 4 I get so hungry I'll eat anything in sight.

I was thinking about doing MF backwards, maybe, when I feel like I'm ready. Do transition in reverse. Because it gets you in the habit of eating 6 times a day, but there's not so much restriction. And then gradually you would remove things. So at first I could have milk and fruit and bread. I know there's no diet on Earth that lets me eat junk food (and actually works), but that might provide structure without so much deprivation. I have to say, though, that I'd probably use something other than the MF supplements for the first few phases. I was thinking South Beach bars maybe. Something cheaper but in the same vein. By the end of a month I would be on the 5&1.

I feel like things are so crazy right now, that it was too much. I know MF is super simple, but I get in even worse habits when I'm in the middle of a show, and right now I'm in the middle of TWO of them. I just don't want to say I'm taking a break because I just took a break, for Pete's sake, and it still wasn't helpful. But I guess that's what I'm doing, whether I admit it to myself or not.

On another note - I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and I'm coloring it at home tonight. Just something for me. I had a gift certificate from Christmas for the salon but I can't find it (!) and I'm hoping it didn't get lost in Florida or something. I thought I took it out of my purse before we went there but I can't find it in any of the usual places I would have put it. Hopefully I can find it before tomorrow.

Thanks again, Leigh, Katie, Karli, Lauren. I know it must take a lot of patience to deal with me, especially lately. Sometimes these thoughts flit through my head and I think I should definitely be seeing a counselor because the thoughts make no sense. Like if I lose weight, I'm going to get sick, for instance. As a punishment. Like if one thing has to be wrong with me, I'd rather be fat than have cancer or something. As if there's some sort of cosmic trade-off going on here. These thoughts are just silly and I know it, but they still enter my head. It takes about two weeks to get an appointment so maybe I'll call next week, and start in April when my schedule opens up. If nothing else, I think talking to someone would make me feel better.

[ChynnaDoll]

Heyyyyyy Nickie! Girl don't you be over there feeling jealous about my little five pounds to go...it's hell to drop!...SERIOUSLY. matter of fact, i even blew it today at a luncheon for a friend who is retiring. I ate EVERYTHING on the plate AND dessert..lol...and i KNEW better too, so that's gonna set me back..but i'll be totally compliant tomorrow...hope i didn't do TO much damage:+)

Hmmmmmm, that MF backwards you mentioned MIGHT just work for you..try it:+) better to eat that way than to wait SO long in between meals to eat again.

Good luck with your hair cut. I know it'll be CUTE:+))

Chynna

[Karli]

Hey Nickie,

When are you going to be starting your program in reverse ? Hope to hear from you soon .

Cheers to you today !

[nickieluv]

You guys are all so inspiring. You make me want to cut the crap and just do it. I'm not quite there yet but I know I could be with some help. I'm going to try not to do any more damage this month and then get myself into counseling in April and start up the diet - not that I'm waiting until April to diet exactly, but if I still don't 'feel like it' by then, I'm going to make myself start on March 30th. My husband's EAP gives 5 visits now instead of only 3, so that's good for almost 3 months of help depending on how I space the visits.

There shouldn't be any good reasons to be fat when you have the answer sitting in your cupboards waiting to do it's (its'? its?) magic. But there must be something or I'd be doing it. I am looking forward to getting some help. Probably just a friendly ear is all I need. If it has to be a paid friendly ear then so be it.

Looking forward to nicer weather, a better outlook, more consistency, and success. Very soon.

[katesmom]

Hi Nickie,
I was sick for awhile and now I'm back getting caught up on reading journals...You can do this plan, when you're ready...

When I first came here a couple of years ago you were the one giving us advice ! Now, you have one more child and life can be stressful. You have more responsibility, and more to worry about...

I think Lauren hit the nail on the head regarding therapy... I have been in therapy before and it really makes a difference...Sometimes an objective person can really help see things in a different light... I am a school psychologist but can't do therapy on myself ! Too bad, cuz I could save a lot of money !

All I'm trying to say is that we are here for you, and whatever works, go for it !

We all know (that's why we are here) the struggle regarding food....This past week I ate 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies...WHY??? I haven't figured that out yet, but I did get back right on plan...

I am here for you too... Just whistle !

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Pam. I read about the cookies and I was most impressed that you got rid of the remaining boxes. I'd probably have tried to eat them all in one night rather than throw them out. That's hard to do.

I am *almost* sick of the way I'm eating. I need real food. I seem to be getting by on mostly snacks, instead of real meals. I would start MF now if it weren't for my schedule - I know I'd be totally off next week so I'm just waiting it out. But I do plan to pick it up on Monday the 30th.

Good food news - my mom decided to start MF again, and she took a ton of my food. When I'm ready to start up again she's going to buy me two cases of bars and we'll call it even. So that's exciting news for me because I think the bars are going to be key to my success. I don't have much of a problem with physical hunger on the plan, but as you know I struggle a lot with mental and emotional hunger. The bars are like eating candy five times a day and while probably not a great view of things, it helps. I still have a few things besides bars in case of emergency (read: boredom with bars) and I have about 25 assorted boxes in the cupboard so I'm ready to go at a moment's notice.

I know it's not productive to live in the past, but if I had it to do over again I would never have gone off the program after the baby was born. I was really flying, I was down to almost the two-teens, and then that whole breastfeeding thing went on forever, and I have not been able to get back on plan since for any decent amount of time. When I think of where I could be now if only.... But 'if only' is not going to help me. I just bring it up because I can't help but think of it whenever I think of my weight and MF.

I'm actually pretty happy right now. I don't feel a lot of stress about food, which is good because there's a lot of activity in my life currently and I know I'd be struggling to stay on plan and feeling a lot of guilt and pressure regarding MF if I were dieting. I know I just have to get it done, and oddly enough the nicer weather makes things a little easier. If I were working I think the structure would have helped me, too. This is about when I used MF the very first time - when my first daughter was about 8 months old, and now my youngest is that age. Maybe it was just a mistake to try so soon, while learning to live with two kids.

I don't know. But the support is there, my mom and brother are trying to lose weight right now too, and I desperately need to remove pounds from my body. I'm feeling almost eager about it. I like that feeling.

I can do this. I can get the help that I need (or just the friendly ear - I spent about an hour talking with my mom and sister tonight about nothing in particular, and it felt great. Maybe I just need more adult time?) and I can succeed. I want to. I have to let go of the 'what if' thinking and 'why did I let it go so far' thinking, and just move forward.

And, maybe if I'm really good on the diet, and lose weight pretty quickly, I'll release extra eggs with all that estrogen in my system and have twins next time.

[nickieluv]

Isn't there some saying about helping yourself by helping others? I was just thinking about it, because with our newbies on board (and some returning faces!) I've been typing a lot of advice about those first weeks and days, and it's making me remember how absolutely amazing I felt when I was losing the weight. I had problems, sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time, but nothing like I've been going through for the last 8 months. And I remember when I wore that first dress to school, how good I felt to be in short sleeves and not totally embarrassed by it. And the new bathing suit I bought that summer, which I called my 'starlet' suit because it reminded me of a 40's movie ingenue, and how thin I felt when I put it on. And the fact that I was *this close* to being a medium (a stretchy medium, granted, but still it's astonishing to me).

I'm not quite sure why I should wait 10 more days to start. I'm feeling this building pressure (a good kind) telling me to start right away. Yes my schedule will be odd next week, but I'll be busy, and that will actually help me to stay on track because I won't be home to munch. And with the bars, I can bring them to rehearsal and even the performances with a bunch of water and be just fine.

I will see if I'm still feeling this way tomorrow, but I'm almost certain that I'm ready to start. I am craving the feeling of being on plan and losing weight more than I am craving any kind of food. It felt so GOOD!!! I want that back again. (And OK, so I sort of do have some crazy hope about that estrogen and eggs and twins comment. Hey, hubby is still insisting baby 3 will be the last, so if I want 4 I need twins! You listening up there, God? )

[brandy820]

"Why should the thought of living without pizza or doughnuts inspire fear and sadness?"

Ding, ding! This is my exact thought lately - and maybe my most frustrating one. What the heck is it about me that has this attachment to food? It's, like, carnal.

There is addiction in my family tree. My mother is an alcoholic.. sober for almost exactly two years now, and I don't worry about her ever going back. So, I wonder if it's the same. Addiction habits are addiction habits and the only difference is that a food addiction doesn't have the stigma that an alcohol addiction has. I wonder if I have to be like my mom - she'll never have a sip of a beer. Ever. Sometimes that's what it takes.

So, I hear ya. Here's hoping we can both overcome it.

[Stihl]

Congratulations on being eager! I'm one of those people who think that for any change to work, you have to really desire it internally - it can't be forced upon you. Alcoholics who admit themselves to rehab do better than those whose family/friends drag them there.

I think its important, with this whole weight loss thing, to keep in mind opportunity costs - that is, not just the direct cost of what you do when you go off plan, but the indirect costs. Not only do you gain weight, but you lose out on weight that you could have lost, and that is just a terrible feeling - I keep thinking to myself "What would have happened if I had just started in November and not kept rationalizing it away?" Then I do all sorts of calculations (I would probably be 45 lbs lighter if I had stayed on plan that whole time). Its just a sickening feeling, but one I hope that can motivate us.

Good luck to you!

[nickieluv]

Hmmm - Stihl, I have to be careful not too think too long or hard about where I could have been 'if only,' because it really depresses me and makes it hard to even think about trying again. But I hear you. I might even have been at goal by now if I'd never fallen off the wagon in the first place. It does not bear thinking about....

So, I'm starting tomorrow. I now have a short-term goal that's pretty convincing. I need to buy clothes in a month and I'm hoping to buy at least 18s instead of 18W or 20.

My principal called tonight, and my sub at work gave 30 days notice. She's the second sub I've had this year - the first one left in November because she was offered a full-time tenure-track position in another district. I don't know why this one is leaving - and I just talked to her Wednesday and she didn't say a word about it, so I wonder if it just came up or if she didn't want to tell me?

Anyway - my principal wants me to come back early. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it. It makes me very sad, but I can't see finding someone to come in for the last 10 weeks of school and be able to handle all the things that happen at the end of the year with zero prep time. Which means the time will be very hectic for me, but at least I know what I'm doing. I counted, and it's really only 35 days when you factor in time off and half days. The money is part of it, but also this would enable me to quit the church job two months earlier at the end of June. And I would only be away from the girls for a few weeks, and then have the whole summer off with them again before school starts - and it's a late Labor Day this year so there are a full ten weeks of summer.

I guess I've pretty much decided, although I am sad about it. My older daughter told me she didn't want me to go back to work, because she likes being home with me. But when I told her I woudn't be going back right away, but after Easter, she thought that would be OK. And when I further told her that she'd be spending the days with her aunt and grandma, she felt better about it.

I love being home but I have to admit that part of my decision is my belief that staying on program will be easier at work. Ten weeks on plan while working can do a lot. And it gives me immediate motivation to start, and hopefully be 15 pounds lighter or so by the time I go back.

On the down side - they are never going to let me have another baby. This maternity leave has been awful for them. Not that I care, much, but I do care a little bit. This is my career and it's nice to be needed. And ten weeks is not so bad at all. Sort of a little taste of work, and it'll be over before I know it and summer will be here. I hate to think, though, that I will miss my baby's first crawling and first steps, that my sister and mother will see them first. And I know they love her but no one takes care of her like I do.

I suppose I'm more torn than I care to admit. It seems like the right thing to do, and I'm almost certain it's what I'm going to do - but I'm still sad about it. I'm sure I'd have been sad in September as well. And still will be.

Well, I just found out about all this today and I don't need to decide this instant. It's all swimming around in my mind, that's all. Do it? Don't do it? I know you guys don't technically know me, but if you have any personal experience or opinions please share them. You all might have a different point of view that would help me decide, or show me some side of the argument that I haven't thought of.

[brandy820]

I can see how you are thinking. What a hard decision! Being at home can be wonderful and can be quite boring (at least for me).

I'd struggle with the same things that you do, being home with the baby.

If you think it's the right thing to do - do it! There won't be any really long term effects from it (children-wise) , but it will be a difficult haul (end of the year). If it were *me* I'd be considerably more hesitant if you didn't have the summer off - but this is very short term for you and you'll be right back home before you know it.

I'd probably be just as torn, to be honest. Sorry if I'm no help!

[ChynnaDoll]

Hey my buddie! How are you doing today? Thought i'd come over to see'ya and say hello:+) I see you're having a little dilemma within yourself about going back to work, and i TRULY understand it. I just hope you can reach a decision that you will ultimately be comfortable with...you will:+) I'll be sending up prayers on your behalf g/f.

Ok, will stop over again soon!

Chynna

[nickieluv]

Well, I decided not to go back. In the end, thinking about someone else hearing her first words or seeing her first steps really made the decision for me. My boss was great about it. She said she didn't really think I'd want to come back, and she understood, and they will be fine there. Hearing her reaction and support made it so much easier for me to live with the decision and not have any regrets. I'll be back next year ready to go!

And I think I've gotten hubby's support to quit the church job at the end of July. Turns out I forgot about a stipend I have coming in June for doing this musical - plus the payment for the second musical I'm doing, and some accompanying work. It's funny how I take on these jobs for the money, but then forget I'm getting paid. It's nice, though. Because I don't budget that money, which means it will cover my church pay in August so I can quit that much earlier. (We'll still be attending that church, I just need to cut back on my responsibilities. Turns out the musical at the HS next year is not one I'm familiar with, so I might not do it. That would save a ton of time but, finding someone to replace me there is not so easy. No one in the school wants to do it.)

Well that's it for the job saga for now. I do appreciate how lucky I am to be talking about which jobs to quit and whether I want to go back to work or not, when others are struggling to find just one job. Maybe I can help someone out by quitting this church job. Maybe there is someone out there looking for something just like this.

On the MF front - not on plan. I've gone back to my original plan of starting on the 30th. I have to start, there's no doubt about it. I thought I was ready this week but it hasn't worked out that way. But I will force it next week. It's never going to be fun or easy (not those first few days, anyway) but I have a lot to gain by being on the plan. So that is my target date and I am going to be ready to go - no more cheats, compliant to the end, no matter what I have to do to stop myself from eating. I promise that to myself.