The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

I didn't order in. My husband wanted to but agreed not to when I admitted I was in a bad place and might not be able to resist temptation. That was nice of him.

I did stay up until 2:30, and I believe I recall reading that if your day is extra long you can have an extra supplement. It was 6 hours since I'd eaten last. I didn't have a supplement, though - I had 2 cheese sticks, 160 calories. I don't know if it was that or not exercising or the small amount of sleep (less than 5 hours) but I was up a pound this morning. Or maybe it was having my last supplement too close to dinner - but I was really craving 'dessert' and I thought close timing was better than chocolate or something. Annoying upsurge in weight but I suppose I deserve it.

So now I'm up early with the girls, and my eating schedule has started an hour early so I'll need to make some adjustments today - although I'm hoping for a nap later which would put me back on schedule. I weigh in for myself on Monday, but I change my ticker on Sunday, so maybe tomorrow I'll be back in the 240s. Never mind that at one point I was 221 after the baby was born - I try not to think about that too much. What's done is done and at least I'm trying to fix things now. And I do feel better today - not like I'm in danger of cheating. That's something.

[Karli]

Yes, a supplement would have been better than cheese sticks ! No cheese sticks, Nickie .

Hope you get a nappy-bye today, lotsa water and rock it !

[nickieluv]

No nap yesterday. Or today either. Yesterday hubby got pizza. He ordered me an appropriate L&G - but then I had a chicken wing, and then my daughter didn't finish her slice, and then I just ran with it. I wound up going out to get some ice cream to finish off the day - and heck, what's ice cream without a burger and fries - and while we're indulging, gee, how about some nachos? I did have 4 liters of water though.

I'm not proud of it, and I'm probably up more like 3 pounds today but it only showed up as 1 on the ticker - completely negates my progress this week, though.

In an odd twist, I was right back on today. No struggles, no problems. But I'm sure that's because I kept busy. And no struggles isn't entirely right, because I'm home alone with the girls right now and for a few minutes eating off plan again sounded like a good idea. But it was pretty easy to resist.

We went to my brother's for dinner and I took a bar, but they did have L&G stuff us part of the meal so I just ate what I was supposed to and everything was fine. Then we wound up staying later than I'd planned so I was glad to have that bar with me to eat. It just goes to show that I can stay on no matter what temptation is around me, IF I'm in the proper mindset.

They have a WiiFit and we played around with that a lot - so now of course I want one. My husband offered to get me one for Mother's Day but I don't know where he's going to get that kind of money, because we need the Wii to begin with, not just the WiiFit game. Still, I just might let him. In fact, I'm planning to price them on a few sites and eBay tonight. They had WiiSports too and my daughter was having fun with that.

So the day kind of zoomed by, , , and while I don't feel good about yesterday, I'm glad I was right back on today. I hope it will make it easier to stay on tomorrow. I know I shouldn't have gone out and gotten more food last night, but once the thought of ice cream entered my head I was afraid it would torment me until I finally gave in. Better to have it all out of the way in one day is my theory. Since I've started this latest time, I went four days, then cheated on the fifth day, and this latest was five days, then cheated on the sixth day. So I'm doing it less often. (I know, grasping.) My goal now is to make it to the end of my row of days (3/27, coincidentally opening night of the musical) without cheating. That's 20 days including today. If they're all like today it'll be a breeze. Here's hoping.

[nickieluv]

Would you do that, Leigh? Once I call something a challenge I inevitably screw it up (couldn't even make the one week challenge Pam put up), but if it was just you and I (you and me?) agreeing to be on plan for 20 days maybe I could do that.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but I did not have any of the usual thoughts after yesterday. 'You'll be fat forever.' 'You can't stick to anything.' 'You might as well give up.' 'Now you'll never reach your goals.'

None of that stuff entered my head. Yesterday was just a bad day and I don't have to keep having bad days if I don't want to. It doesn't make me a bad person or even a bad dieter. I just had one bad day. It happens.

So OK - today counts, and I'm up for 20 days. Thanks, Leigh. 19 to go!

[katieb920]

Since I've started this latest time, I went four days, then cheated on the fifth day, and this latest was five days, then cheated on the sixth day. So I'm doing it less often. (I know, grasping.) My goal now is to make it to the end of my row of days (3/27, coincidentally opening night of the musical) without cheating. That's 20 days including today. If they're all like today it'll be a breeze. Here's hoping.

girl I so agree with you on this. I do great then 5 days later i am off again. Do great for 6 days then off again....... Hopefully I am done with it and just stay on.

Cool about the wii..

[Karli]

Hey Nickie, just sending you some good vibes . Hope the day treats you well, you know what to do .

[Karli]

Hey Nickie, what's going on ? . Hope you rock the day ! Cheers !

[Karli]

Nickie ! Where are you ? I need my "Nickie fix"

[nickieluv]

We're good, just busy! I'm trying to catch up on some chores and organizing, and also sometimes I think I'm on the computer way too much so I was trying to be more present with the girls even though we're just 'hanging out.'

So I'm on plan today. Begrudgingly. Isn't that sad? The longer this goes on, the more I become convinced it was some kind of miracle that I lost any weight at all last time. My heart just isn't in it and I don't know why.

I went shopping yesterday evening for a dress for this wedding (the things I ordered all looked awful and are going back!) and I actually had to try things on. I hate doing that and usually I just grab a size and go, but I went to a store I don't usually shop at so I figured modeling was in order. I wound up with 2 things but there was a really perfect black dress there - in a size 6. And less than $20. So I figure it's more expensive to be fat because the clothes cost more, eating all that food costs more - and wasting money on this MF certainly adds up. I wound up spending $75 on a purple dress and a black suit. That purple dress is so matronly. I think I'm going to take it back. Sure it fits, but it's of a style that just reminds me that I'm too young to be wearing clothes like that. At least with the suit I can put a cute little cami under it and feel more stylish.

So on the diet front - one day on, two days off. I keep feeling like I have to bribe or trick myself to stay on plan. And none of it seems to work. I know the desire has to come from within - and I know where I want to be before having this next baby (lol about the , Leigh, in your journal. We haven't had a day like that in so long I can't even remember it!) but I can't seem to connect the dots and get it done.

But, I'm on today. I considered not, but it seemed pointless to wait another day (which could easily become two days or a week, anyway). I was watching the Biggest Loser last night and looking at Mandi sort of woke me up a little. She looked so different from her first day on the ranch - she weighed about what I did after I finished MF two years ago. Week by week I didn't notice the changes so much, but when they slap up that 'before' video it's obvious how much she has lost and how much healthier and happier she looks.

I continue to be amazed at the brain's capacity for self-deception. I am convinced that I look the same as I did before gaining the weight back - maybe I'm a bit wider in the hips but I don't look like I'm starting all over. This, despite the evidence that none of the clothes I wore then still fit (except the stretchiest, and should I really be wearing those anyway?) and the number on the scale is ridiculously high. And I can't move as easily, it's hard to get up and down the stairs without getting out of breath, I'm wearing 18W clothes (based on the shopping last night) instead of 14.

I can't seem to figure out what will work so I'm just going to strip away all the frills. I have great intentions of forcing myself to do all the right things, but on more than one occasion I have had one of the following thoughts regarding my ingenious chart:

a) I don't want to exercise today. That means I won't fill in my whole day anyway, so I might as well have _____________________.
b) Well, I screwed up and had _____________________ so there's no point in exercising or continuing with MF for today.

In theory the chart would get me to exercise but instead it's turned into another excuse for cheating. So forget it. For now. Maybe I'll want to keep track like that again later. But for today at least, I'm just going to try not to eat anything that isn't allowed. If I have some water, great. If I exercise, great. If I don't, so be it.

In the clips of next week's show at the tail end of BL last night, Mike said he wanted to show his brother that it's easy to change your life. I disagree. It's one of the hardest things on Earth to do. Mike and Ron have had the benefit of the show, immersion in the diet and exercise - no outside influences or gobs of temptation. And having done it once before does not make it any easier to do again. You'd think having the assurance of the capability of success would enable me to trust the program. But I sometimes think it makes things worse. Because now I have the attitude that I can lose weight whenever I'm in the mood, so I don't have to work so hard at it right now if I don't want to.

Nothing I've tried seems to be working. In terms of my mental state. I have to want this every day, more than anything else (as Karli pointed out earlier). There's no room for doubt here. But I am just so darn good at lying to myself about so many things. I can convince myself that pretty much anything is going to help my diet in the long run. It's so frustrating. But I'm here. I'm trying today. It's a start.

I just don't understand why I can't look at my kids and find the strength to get better. Because really, it's like I have a long-term illness. Food sickness. It probably qualifies as a mental aberration, all the issues I have. It doesn't make any sense to look forward to food the way I do. To make it so important. Why should the thought of living without pizza or doughnuts inspire fear and sadness? It's really a sickness, isn't it?

[Lauren]

Hey, Nick -

Sorry to hear you're still struggling so much. Having made every recommendation I can think of to "just do it," my only other suggestion is that you really reconsider getting back into that therapy that you briefly started a while back and that you mentioned again more recently.

While I'm not in any way a mental health professional, your ability to swing from sheer delight and confidence from one day's success to utter despair the next can not be healthy for your psyche, and is obviously not helpful to your weight loss. It seems that the things that make you tick are possibly the same things that get in your way of moving forward - which is why you've basically felt paralyzed by this experience.

Take some time try to figure yourself out - I really think it could prove a worthy endeavor.

Best to you,

Lauren

[katieb920]

All i have to say you and me. Were going to do it. Day 3 here had the munchies and I did think about cheating then I just thought about my son. He is doing well John and I had 2 bags of garbage that we threw out..

Another thing nicks. Think about saving money. That is what I have been doing. I save so much more money when I am on Medifast. We do not go out to eat, I shop for what matthew and John needs. Not me thinking oh cookies. So when I do not have they do not have it.

Lets rock it girl.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Katie. I do seem to be at an impasse right now and am not sure what to do about it. But I am so glad you are on day 3 and have a plan to get past day 5!

Lauren, I've been thinking about it. I have some reticence because I don't know that it's really been helpful in the past. I seem to work on whatever the immediate issue is, and then the counselor tells me to go away because I'm fine. Then later something always comes up again. I had one counselor tell me that was normal - that some people just need a little help through different issues as they come up, but don't need long-term counseling. I guess I feel silly going to a counselor for help losing weight. I know that's not really what it would be - but I can't put any other problem I'm having into words, so that's how it would come out. "I need help because I can't seem to stick to a diet." And when would I go? I'm busy every night of the week except Fridays on a regular basis. Weekends are family time.

More excuses. I know. Sometimes I just wish all the problems would disappear. So I ignore them. Never makes things better, though.

[nickieluv]

And did I mention my deap-seated feeling that anyone who needs help is weak, stupid, or lazy? (This applies only to me - I don't ever think that about others when they ask for help.) To ask for help is to admit that you can't do it all. I don't like feeling that way. I have problems being assertive enough to take what I need, and that includes help. Very much a loner over here.

[nickieluv]

So when I don't even pretend I'm going to be 'on a diet,' I don't have any cravings. I barely ate all day and when I had dinner it was my day's worth of food all at once. Two bowls of cereal and some chicken. No veggies or salad. Not very balanced but I wasn't chomping at the bit for junk food. But I very much wanted the chicken - I would have chosen that over anything with sugar tonight.

Maybe I should just lighten up. Maybe if I am on plan but allow myself to eat what I want for a while, the beast will mellow. Like, I had two bars this morning. Then I had some cake (long story as to why there was cake in the house but, moving on....). Afterwards I wanted to have another bar and get back on the program, but since I'd already had the cake I didn't think I could do that - it would be wasting supplements.

So what if I approach MF like transition in reverse or something like that? I will be on the 5&1 but if there is something that I can't stop thinking about, I'll let myself have a little (not binge) and then keep right on with the program. That can't be worse than being totally off, can it? I may not lose, but right now I'm just looking to get on a more even keel.

I suppose the real answer is a combination of all these brainstorms I've had. It's probably like Lauren says - I need to stop all the thinking and just do it. Including the over-thinking about slips and what they mean and all the justification or punishment that can go along with them. Really embrace that being on plan is a journey for me, and I won't be perfect at it - because for me to strive for perfection is not noble, it's - well, paralyzing, that was a great word. MF should not be the focus of my life - my LIFE should be my life.

I don't want to give up even though it is tiring to struggle. So no more charting. No more counting. If I'm hungry I'm going to eat something. I will not be perfectly on program right now but if I can feel more relaxed and less stressed and guilty, that will be a win for me. I just need to stop thinking about it all the time. My life is not about a diet. My life can be better than it is now if I diet, because I will enjoy certain things more - but I will still have problems. What I eat does not need to be one of them right now.

[nickieluv]

I feel pretty solid about the above. I was driving myself crazy with all the numbers - graphs, projections, days on plan, dollars earned - ridiculous. Distracting. Overwhelming.

I am just going to BE. Whatever that looks like.