The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

ha ha ... I was thinking about having a snail in mine, especially since my horizontal thing is grass, but I thought "hmmm... do I really want my weightloss represented by a snail ?" hee hee.

[nickieluv]

Maybe it will be a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, my last thingy was a horse and I GAINED weight. I guess I'd rather lose slowly than gain quickly.

Did not make bad choices today, but wanted to. It's insidious - sitting on the couch, been good all day, then just by virtue of it being late I start thinking I'm hungry, even though I just ate.

Earned my five bucks today for the first time since Saturday, at least.

And, son of a b****, I am so mad that I wasted two hours of my time on Biggest Loser tonight. Cliffhanger!! Jerks!!! The best part is the transformation moment - that's the main reason I watch at all - cheated!!! I could have been reading instead. Bastards.

**** Major stream-of-consciouness unloading coming up - skip if busy ****

I was thinking that part of the food issue for me is that there's a lot of responsibility involved in meals. I have to feed the kids during the day but it seems so much easier to just cook a little for them than to make something for everyone. My husband does most of the dinnertime cooking when I'm dieting because I hate to cook meat, and the things I'm good at cooking are awful temptations for me on a diet (lasagna, meals-in-a-box, that kind of thing), and my main way of helping when I'm not on a diet is suggesting we order in if he's too tired to cook. I actually did suggest that tonight - he's off the diet (having a crisis like I'd been having for so long, actually) and wanted pizza but said he didn't want to do that to me. I told him it was fine, I could have shrimp or eggs with veggies tonight, he'd just have to be sure whatever he ordered was eaten or hidden tonight, and gone to work with him tomorrow. He opted to make chicken and broccoli so it was fine. But it just occured to me that part of eating junk is not so much about the taste, but the relief of having someone else cook. That was one of the best parts of vacation - not eating a lot of junk, because actually I did pretty well I think quantity-wise - but not having to even think about food, just step up to a counter or sit down at a table and poof! Magic food appeared and it was like it was free because the trip was prepaid. Heavenly.

Which makes you wonder why I think about cheating or ordering in so much. It was much harder to mix up the chocolate PB and spread it on bread (although still not exactly time-consuming!) than to open a bar and drink some water. It takes longer to order food and wait for it to come than it does to, again, rip open the bar and down some water.

I won't lie, I did think today 'next time I'm pregnant we can order in if we want to and it won't matter.' I know it doesn't matter hugely if you just do that 'once in a while.' The problem is defining 'once in a while.' That means once or twice a month, maybe, not two or three times per week.

A maintenance hurdle is going to be food prep. I just know it. I'm not even working now and I'm so busy I couldn't cook if I wanted to. Imagine when I'm doing all the same things, but adding a full time job onto it? I have this dream of coming home, sitting with the kids for a while, then starting dinner, eating together at the table, having a relaxing evening and then cleaning up before bed - starting all over the next day. But reality is going to be - wake up, rush around, go to work, get home, teach lessons or go to rehearsal or be busy in some other way which will force my husband to be the one to cook the meals again, eat in a hurry and most likely on the couch, get frustrated with the kids because I'm so harried, put them to bed, and then veg out and snack all night on the couch out of stress before going to bed myself and starting over again in the morning.

I know that's how it USED to be, and that doesn't mean it has to be that way again. Hopefully by becoming aware of it, I can be prepared to fight those habits and be a better wife and mother. Some of it means cutting back on what I do, I know that. I'll end the church job after Christmas (decided to keep going longer to have that extra money each month to pay down debt - seriously rethinking that decision, though - is $850 a month worth it if I have to live the above scenario both during the week AND on weekends?), but right after that the musical will start up, and that's hard to give up because it's good money. I don't know. We'll be pretty flush when I go back to work but I'm afraid if I give up the musical, someone else will take it and then I might never get it back.

The smart thing to do is to keep the church job but give up piano lessons. They take the most time for the least money. But I also enjoy it very much, and I have a personal relationship with each of the kids and I don't want to see them quit. I happen to know I'm the most qualified person around at the prices I charge - we have lots of teachers but they charge much more because they are not freelance but are part of church and college programs, and right now most of my families can barely handle the rate increases I was forced to make this year because of my maternity leave. And I don't know if the teacher in me could stand to give up the recitals - watching them grow from year to year as people and performers.

I just hate feeling so pulled - so many people needing me. If it were just a job - I mean, look, I had no qualms about leaving school for a year - but that's so much more impersonal compared to the relationships I've developed with church folks and my piano kids. It's harder to think about leaving them unless I know they're going to be in good hands.

Well, I don't have to decide anything tonight. I'm sure this is all just because March is such a hellish month - I'm working two different musicals this month plus church, lessons, and playing a wedding. The good news is that I'll have no time or energy left to cheat on my diet for most of the month.

If you made it this far into the post, you deserve a medal. I don't have any, though. Sorry.

Much as I want to read, I think I should go to bed. Maybe I'll take the book up with me, then I could read a chapter or two and get tired instead of staying up all night. I'm just on a reading kick lately - I seem to always be on some sort of kick, be it reading, computer, TV, whatever. I guess I have a problem with moderation in all areas, not just eating.

[nickieluv]

Inspired by Karli's square-one approach, I have erased all that stuff in my signature about losing and then stopping to have a baby. It was in there just so people wouldn't think I had regained all the weight for no good reason. But let's face it, that's exactly what I did.

I hadn't typed this, but when I went to my annual GYN appointment last month I had gained 30 pounds, according to their records, since my 6-week postpartum checkup. There's no way I can blame that on baby weight. When I lost the weight, I made progress, but I didn't learn anything, and I wound up right back where I started. I am no better than anybody else who comes back to restart after gaining a few pounds - and in fact, I'm in worse shape because I gained the weight back TWICE while I was gone - once for the baby, then again after the baby.

I feel better taking that out of there. It was pretentious in a way. I'm keeping my club, though, as the reminder that I did do it once. I'm just looking forward to getting into a higher club yet.

Oh - and I'm off to change my ticker to a 220 goal. I figure that is when I'll be able to get into the size 18 jeans that are waiting for me. Then I'll put it back to 190, which should get me back into the 14s that are packed away. I change my mind often, but currently I'm of the opinion that having a smaller goal to reach first will help me keep going, since it doesn't seem so daunting.

[Karli]

Nickie,

Do whatever it takes to keep you motivated ! I did read your whole post two up, and I wasn't expecting a medal ! Hang in there, girl, and nice job on the day .

Cheers to a good night's sleep and a good day tomorrow .

[nickieluv]

Thanks, ladies. I woke up pretty grumpy and with no voice but feeling better now. Sunshine helps. Also stepping back and taking deep breaths helps.

This job thing just keeps coming up in my mind. I don't HAVE to keep the church job. It means we'll pay things off one month later, that's all. I just wish I could see some sort of sign. I feel now like the signs are mixed. I feel something telling me to stay, then something telling me to go. Even after almost 4 years I am still learning how to balance my obligations to my family and to others. It used to be that 'other' won all the time, but then I had children and for a while they always won - now I feel like I can't just ignore one or the other, but I must walk the tightrope.

We are in a nice routine now with my days at home, and once March is over things will greatly slow down and it will get even better. I know you shouldn't make decisions in times of stress, but I also know that it's like this every single year between Christmas and March, and I have to take that into account when I make a decision. I don't want to decide in the summer when I have virtually no obligations - I don't want to forget about the stress until it's upon me once more.

I will just keep my eyes, ears, and heart open, and try to figure it out. I feel this morning like I should trust God to provide as I always have. If He's made it possible for me to not need this income, then He will make it possible for me to get more income when the need arises. He sent me the church job in the first place, and He sent me more piano students this year when we needed the money. I can take a year off of the musical and if it's meant to be, then the position will be open when I want it again. And I can leave this church job, and maybe God will lead me to another church that will be a better fit for my family, or maybe we will stay at the same church but take on different responsibilities, or maybe the person they hire to replace me won't work out and in another year I will work there again as music director.

I think I've made my decision. I will have faith. My older daughter is starting preschool, I now have two children to share my attention with, and it's possible I would be pregnant next year on top of all that. I have to remember how exhausted I was last year with everything the same but one less child. I can't do it all. I will tell the church that I'm resigning as of August 31st, and I will tell the musical people today that I may not put in for the position next year and ask them if they have another music director in mind as a backup. I will just teach, have lessons one day a week, and take care of my family.

I reserve the right to change my mind but I feel calmer now.

[nickieluv]

I don't know if these are exactly NSVs, but they feel like victories and they have nothing to do with the scale.

I just cut up canteloupe for my daughter and wasn't even tempted to lick the knife or anything. Then, we got a drop-off of coupons and promotional items for a new pizza place that just opened - supposed to be a fabulous franchise in our area - and suggested that my husband order dinner if he wanted to tonight from this place, and found something on the menu that was L&G compliant for myself. If he decides to order, I'll have a grilled chicken salad with light Italian dressing on the side. And probably I'll just use my own dressing here at home which I know is OK, rather than using theirs. It does come with breadsticks but that doesn't mean I have to be the one to eat them!

Of course now I feel guilty for saying my husband should get pizza, but maybe the sooner he eats some the sooner he'll decide he's ready to diet again. I myself am trying to have a new attitude, which Lauren has been trying to drill into my head for years now - there just is no other food but MF compliant food. I think that's why I like having only the bars - even if I do get bored with them, it's easier to think of them as medicine when I don't have to debate what supplement to have. And that's really what they are. My prescription for better health.

My preconception vitamins. (Can't get that out of my head - I've decided I was made to have kids and I can't wait to be pregnant again. It will be a sad day when I realize that's truly the last baby - I'm still hoping I can finagle a 4th out of my husband somehow without being evil. Our kids are just so great, how can he deprive the world of more of them?)

[nickieluv]

I feel like I'm talking to myself today. Good thing I'm so darn interesting to myself.

No ordering in so a normal day today. The scale has not moved downward. Just more proof that cheating has dire consequences. Even though I've been back on track since Monday, I still weigh what I weighed after my cheat on Sunday. Although since I've typed it, two days really isn't all that long to expect to have rebounded already and be moving downward again.

It's hard to stay compliant. You really have to want it. I'm still arguing with myself about whether to have a nibble of something or not. I know I can have it later in moderation if I want to, and six months is not that long to stick to a diet - but it's still hard. Especially when I do start to feel better and more confident - then I figure I can 'get away with it.' I seem to have an excuse to eat along with every emotion. If I feel fat, I justify it because 'it won't make any difference anyway.' If I feel thin, then it's 'you're doing great, one little bite won't hurt.'

Well, I'm going to finish my second book tonight, and I'm going to try to stem the cheating urge by having flavored SF drinks.

[Karli]

Hi Nickie, great job today ! Remember, it feels harder to begin with, even for the first couple of weeks until you really start getting into the groove ... but you are absolutely right, as you already know, you *really* have to want it (every, single day !). And, you have to want to be on program and actually you have to want nothing else, in a sense ! Anyway, just keep at it, one day at a time, like you are doing. You are walking your own little yellow brick road, you are doing right now what you did magically "back then" when you lost 60 pounds. That's it, not truly magic, as you already realized, just staying compliant ... despite whatever else it seems you could be doing otherwise !

I went into the photo section and looked at your photos today. Definitely a noticeable difference there !

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Karli. Can't wait to get back in the MediZone and also back where I was in those photos. I managed not to munch tonight. And amazingly, it only took one glass of drink mix. I would have thought I'd be drinking it down by the minute, and probably I would have been if I were watching TV. But the book kept my hands busy.

So this was day 3. And I did go to the store and buy myself water bottles today - a 32oz one for home, and a 64oz one to take with me to rehearsals. Although I might use the 64 all the time, but I wanted to have a 32 on hand. I just think it will be easier to drink 2 bottles, mentally, than 4 (128oz a day will be my goal, since that's what I was doing last time and it seemed to be a good amount). Wonder how heavy the bottle will be, and if lifting it to my mouth can count as my exercise for the day?

Exercise is kind of a joke, actually. But at least I'm doing something. I'm breaking a minor sweat, not a dripping one. And so far I've done something different every day. But it does feel good making those x's on my chart. It keeps me exercising, having at least one glass of water, and eating a L&G every day - because I police myself relentlessly and would not dare mar the chart with inaccuracies. I even marked the x's today but didn't give myself credit for the $5 until I was sure I wasn't going to eat anything naughty. I'm 1/12 of the way to my ring.

And in a minor little shout-out to Leigh (TMI alert for all) - - thank you very much. Does wonders for the self-image, doesn't it? I feel thin and sexy for a couple of days afterwards.

[nickieluv]

I hope the baby is better. (The poor youngest will always be the baby even when she's 40, right?)

My oldest has woken me up three nights in a row crying in her bed. She needs to go to the bathroom but she just lays there and cries instead of getting up or calling for help. I'm not sure what's up with this phase - she never used to have a problem taking care of things herself in the middle of the night. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want to leave the warm bed, or because she's afraid of the dark (although we have nightlights on everywhere for her) or what. She won't or can't tell me what the problem is. She doesn't act sick otherwise, like she did when she first had the infections and we found out about her kidney problem. Just something I need to keep an eye on, I guess. She's not having accidents, it's just odd behavior. Sort of an offshoot, but Leigh mentioning her daughter brought it to mind.

Thanks for the vote of confidence that I might be in the MediZone already. I'm still waiting for that burst of energy, the light feeling, and the auto-pilot on eating good foods without having cravings. Granted, the urges are weaker and don't seem to come as often or last as long. That's good news.

The scale moved down again today - a significant amount. I'm hoping I might have a number in the 24- range this week. (I went up three pounds from ticker on Monday after my bad Sunday evening.) I always weigh with my clothes on except for the official weigh-in day - I think because I can see the number and know that it's lower without clothes on, so I don't have to deal with what the scale actually says. I don't know if that's healthy - because I end up looking at the number and saying 'that's not really what I weigh.' And I take my showers later in the day, after noon, so I weigh in unclothed at that time but it's the same thing - I tell myself that I weigh lower than the number because it's not first thing in the morning. I don't know if this is some sort of defense mechanism or what. But it's only temporary, whatever it is. Because when I start going back to work and showering first thing in the morning every day, my weight will be my 'real' weight all the time.

Another sunshiny day today, but still not warm. When I open the curtains and stay inside, though, I can pretend it's warm outside. I know I've said it before, but I'm really looking forward to going outside with the girls for walks and playing when the weather warms up. I can't wait to put the baby in the outdoor baby swing for the first time and see if she loves it as much as her sister did. They may look like twins (I even have a picture of my oldest on the desktop at the same age the youngest is now, and I KNOW it's my oldest, but I still think it's my youngest whenever I look at it. It would be easier to type those kinds of sentences if I used the girls' names, but you know me.) but their behaviors are different. So we'll have to see.

Well, I'm going to go now. Not sure why I felt compelled to type so much, but there it is. Another day, another GOOD day, and I will be one step closer to my goals. It's not easy, but it's going to be worth the struggles.

[nickieluv]

Exercised - tried a new video and I don't think I'm quite ready for it yet. But then, how do you know? If you can do the whole thing easily then it's too easy - but I couldn't even make it through without stopping several times. It was more cardio-oriented than flexibility or strength, and that's probably why. But anyway, I did something. I kind of like having so many things to choose from. Do you think I should be sticking with just one for longer, though? I just grab what I'm in the mood for every day, providing it's not more than 20 minutes or so. So I guess I could do the Biggest Loser DVD because it's customizable. Just another option.

Long night tonight - as usual for a Thursday. Only three more weeks of this musical, though. April will almost be like a vacation compared to this. I can't believe I'm already talking about April. This year is going by so quickly! All the more reason to stay on plan - it will just feel like a blink after all. Might as well blink and be thinner instead of fatter.

Had some fun today shopping. I know - but I actually needed something. I don't have any concert black (OK, technically I could break out the maternity wear again, but I don't have any NICE concert black) and I needed something nice to wear to a wedding next weekend and also for the musicals. So I ordered 3 black outfits. (Black for a wedding? I know - but I'm the organist, not a guest, so I'll be hidden behind the beast.) To be honest, I could have gotten something cheaper at Walmart but it wouldn't have been pretty, and I wanted something that would make me feel 'wow' on opening night. Is that so wrong?

Off to get ready for my long evening, then. Looks like I'll be having my L&G last today - I don't like doing that, but in order to get my chart filled in I have to have one. I did that on purpose, because I feel like when I try 6-0 I end up vulnerable the next day. This keeps me from skipping the 'real' meal each day. I hope everybody has a great night, and I'll check in tomorrow. Ah, tomorrow. Know what I have to do tomorrow?

NOTHING!

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Leigh. I am out of the shopping phase. I don't know if I'll keep all 3 outfits but I wanted options. I definitely won't keep both pairs of shoes that I ordered, but one is a higher heel and one lower so I needed to compare. At least I refuse to pay full price for anything. I love clearance sales! Can't wait to shop for size 8. That's my goal, to be out of double digit sizes eventually. I don't know if it's realistic because at my smallest I wore a 10 and now I've had two kids - but (a conversation we've all had before) sizes seem different now so who knows? Although, honestly, I doubt I'll care what size I'm wearing as long as I feel like I look good.

Well I think I'm actually going to go to bed early for a change. 10:15 is early for me lately. What a rude awakening it will be when I go back to work and have to go to bed by 9 to get up at 6. Ugh. But I imagine I'll get used to it, just like everything else. Might take me a month, but I'll get used to it. (Actually, I'm going to start changing my schedule a few weeks before school starts because I will have to get the girls on the new schedule, too. I don't want my daughter to have a bad first day of preschool because she didn't get enough sleep.)

[nickieluv]

Under 250 today WITH my PJs on! Stay the course, there's hope (talking to myself)!!

[Karli]

Hi Nickie,

Yes, stay the course ! That's the deal . I think that is just the bottom line. In some sense, it doesn't matter what else enters our heads during the day, nor what we dream about at night (foodmares, for example. I always wake up from those feeling like I have done something wrong ... but I haven't !!). If you stay the course, you have done your job, and it will generally build upon itself each time you refuse to give in to the temptation to do anything but stay the course. Of course, not having the mental barrage of "other options" sure makes it a more enjoyable ride, doesn't it ? And, as we stay the course, we grow mentally, too (as you know), so that the barrage is no longer a barrage and we begin to grasp and live by there truly being no other options ! Even in maintenance, we must stay the maintanence course, or we are no longer maintaining !

Cheers to you today ! Congrats on getting under 250 .

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Karli! I needed to hear that kind of support this morning. Because what popped into my head but that I could probably get some pizza and if I ate it early enough in the day blah blah blah.... I'm not going to do it but it's annoying. When does that stop?!

I also had a "foodmare" last night - I bought a dozen doughnuts and put them on the counter, but didn't touch them. Then my husband came over and told me he'd eaten four of them, and he had my favorite variety in his hand and was about to eat it - so I took it from him and had that doughnut, then another, and I'm sure I would have eaten the whole box if the dream hadn't morphed at that point into a true nightmare where my mother told me she was only going to watch my kids five more times this year because it was getting out of hand how much I asked her to take them. She was going to watch my cousin's kids instead. (Now in real life, she told me this morning that my cousin did ask her to watch the kids but she said she was booked up this month. I didn't know about that, but isn't it interesting that I had a dream about her picking my cousin's kids over mine?)

So it's just me and the baby today - my mom and sister took my older daughter on an all-day outing. She loves going on those but the house is too quiet without her. Although I do take advantage of these days to leave the TV off and just have quiet time with the baby. I know that's good for all of us, but I still miss my original baby.