The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Not a good Friday. I had to stay up late (1am) to do some work for the musical, because I knew I wouldn't be able to work while the girls were awake and the director needed my info as soon as possible the next day. So I did not workout yesterday because I only would have had 4 hours of sleep. I felt guilty but needed the rest, I feel, more. Well, Friday I was so tired anyway, regardless of 'sleeping in' a little bit, and I let it get to me and I was off-plan. I did not get any fast food or junk food. I only ate things that were in the house. And I had only protein for dinner. Tons of diet soda, but no caloric beverages. So the end result was actually that I was down a little bit more today.

Now, in the past, I would just jump for joy about that and go get a pizza. But today I got up, worked out since I missed yesterday, and am right back on plan. A lot of that is due to my husband being on MF too, I know that. It's easier to join back up with him than to feel like I'm all on my own.

So I feel OK today. I don't feel like it's going to lead to a whole week or more off plan. Yesterday was it and I might be hungry again today (not yet, though, lucky so far) but I felt energetic after my workout today instead of just glad it was over, and that's helping me want to feed myself the right way, too. And guess what? I did bicycle crunches today. The first day I didn't even try them, and now on the 5th day, I did the whole set. They were way awful and not pretty to watch I bet, but I did them.

Off I go to the rest of my day. I hope everyone's doing well.

[Tawanda]

Hi Nickie, I've been thinking of something ever since reading this yesterday....and a little something else you wrote a couple days has been niggling at my mind, so I hope you don't mind me bringing it up. For me, sometimes I'm too close, to something I'm doing or that is going on in my life, to really see what is happening.

You said you went off plan and ate stuff that was in your cupboards.

A couple days ago you mentioned that you had bought your daughter ice cream sandwiches and you also mentioned Froot Loops.

I hope this doesn't come across wrong (!) but I instantly wondered, why does a 3 year old need sugary Froot Loops and ice cream sandwiches? The nutrition just isn't there and if it is for for special 'treat times', there are so many other better choices, (a banana with a few pretty little chocolate sprinkles on it comes to mind or a couple of plain (not frosted) animal crackers.

When you mentioned that you just ate stuff that was in your cupboards, well I thought of the Froot Loops (sugary cereals) and the ice cream sandwiches.

Do those foods, and other similiar foods, really have a place in your (mine!) kitchens?

I kid myself too often with similiar food items. My husband is slim and fit. He likes cookies, ice cream and chips. He eats these regularly so they are on my grocery list each payday. The difference between him and myself is that he will eat one cookie whereas I will eat 6 (or 12). He can have a half dish of ice cream every 3 days or so.....whereas I'll see how much I can pile into a dish (and still call it a dish of ice cream), he can bypass chips for a week...I hear them calling my name as soon as the package is open -- my thinking is that if the package is open it should be emptied a.s.a.p.

I've been told by my health advisor to just not buy those foods. Well, I still do it, because my husband eats and enjoys those foods on occasion--in moderation and with control. I don't feel that he should be penalized because I'm a glutton and, often, choose not to have control over my appetite. If he had health or weight problems then I could say, without guilt, "we" don't need those foods in the house. But this man is at a healthy, normal BMI/weight and knows how to eat in moderation. So, I buy them and battle with myself over it.

Anyway...I'm just trying to say, that at times I buy groceries thinking I'm buying an item for DH or for when the kids are here (my children, not so much the grands as I don't buy them sugary stuff). When in reality I've got it in the back of my mind that I'll end up eating it.

I hope you aren't offended by me bringing this up and I hope you realize I'm just gently wondering if you are doing what I have done (or still do on occasion) which is bring foods into the house so that I do have something appealing when I decide to go off program or binge.

Good for you on the exercise and on getting back to eating on program. You are starting out 2009 on a positive note.

[katieb920]

T that is such a great response. That is what I need to do. My whole family does not need the sugary stuff. I feel that Matthew and his friends alwyays needs to have cookies and ice cream sandwiches. That is a great idea about the Banana. Thanks for the advice.

[Tawanda]

T that is such a great response. That is what I need to do. My whole family does not need the sugary stuff. I feel that Matthew and his friends alwyays needs to have cookies and ice cream sandwiches. That is a great idea about the Banana. Thanks for the advice.

I hope Nickie doesn't mind me responding here. Katie, I think we as parents and also as those who have chosen food as our 'drug of choice', tend to associate sugary/processed foods with love.

example: We buy our loved ones candy, sweets, ice cream, etc. to shower them with good feelings and love.

Why?

What makes sugar, chemical additives, flavor enhansors, etc. equal LOVE?

What are we really doing when we buy these foods for our kids (or ourselves when we feel down)?

We're teaching them (and reinforcing ourselves) that sugary, empty calorie, nutrionally lacking, processed chemicals are LOVE.

God forgive us for how messed up our thinking is when we do this.

We're raising another generation (or in my case 2 generations) of people who will very likely battle obesity and food issues because we're teaching or have already taught them that in order to feel fulfilled, loved and good---they need to consume these foods...........and by watching us---they learn that it takes copious, ridiculous amounts of these foods to fill that void.

I'm working this out, as I type, and realizing how sick it is and how sad that our internal battles are scarring our children's minds without us realizing it or them knowing it.

My children are thin, thankfully. They are 29 and 31 years old. If they gain some weight, they work hard to lose it. So far they are not following in my footsteps (thank you God!).
I am amazed when I have gone out to eat with them (fast food restraunts) and they eat a part of their burger and a few fries.

They stop eating when there is LOTS of their food left.

I'm astounded and ask 'why' aren't they eating more (as I'm trying to figure out how I can eat what is left of their meal without looking like the glutton and human garbage can that I am...

Their response? "I'm full". or "It doesn't taste good."

I don't know about you......but full doesn't mean 'stop', full means if there is some left, cram it in and feel lousy later. It doesn't taste good....well, that just means I'm going to think 'this isn't worth the calories' but I'm not going to stop shoveling it in......

So.....the kindest thing and most loving thing a parent can do (in my tiny mind and opinion).....is to not equate food with love.

Food is fuel for your body.
Food is not love.
Eating is not a recreational activity nor is it considered exercise. (LOL at myself)

Food should be as free of chemicals as possible (toss the cheetos--groan!) and should be as wholesome as possible.

Dang----I've really gone on a rant, haven't I?!

End of sermon.

[nickieluv]

OK - I will say that at first my heart sank on reading these posts. I have had hard thoughts about what to feed my daughter and why food is so often the treat that I choose to give her instead of some fun activity or toy or something else.

I hesitated buying the ice cream sandwiches. I did. Part of me wondered if I would be 'in trouble' with them. But my daughter had just asked for ice cream the day before, and I thought that of the options there the sandwiches would call to me the least. I got in a bad spot Friday and yes, I did have some, but I do believe that I didn't buy them in order to eat them later. I guess I can't be totally sure, though, because it might have been a very well-hidden desire.

As for the sugary cereals - I've gotten lax about those. I used to insist we only have unsweetened Cheerios (not even the honey-nut kind) or Kix or some other low-sugar cereal in the house. But when my daughter went to her 3-year well child visit and hadn't gained a pound all year, and the doctor put her on high-calorie shakes once a day, I really let my guard down. I made the mistake of thinking that she should put weight on to please her doctor and since she wasn't going to eat more, sugar wouldn't hurt. I realize how dumb that sounds now, but the sugary cereals went from a 'once in a while we'll buy a box' treat to her usual breakfast. She also has oatmeal and fruit but she's really been hitting the Froot Loops lately.

It was just so disheartening that I thought I was doing all the right things for her, keeping healthy foods in the house, limiting snacks and not serving her sugary drinks or too much fruit juice - in other words, not letting her eat anything like the way I did - and it turned out she didn't gain any weight all year and I felt like a horrible mother who had messed everything up for her daughter. I still feel guilty about it when I look at her. She's a skinny little mite but she doesn't look sickly or anything. Now I find myself urging her to eat a little more, even when she says she is full, and I hate to do that but she's just so tiny I don't know what to do. It seems like no matter what choices I make I'm going to end up screwing up her relationship with food. Sometimes, just to get her to eat, I'll offer a sugary treat after she finishes a certain amount of her dinner. I know these are not the right attitudes about food but what am I supposed to do? How can I get her to eat enough? She's not picky about what she eats - she loves fruits and veggies - but she just eats very little.

Given how I ended up, my biggest fear is raising my girls to turn out like me. But I don't know if there's any right answer. I can't let my daughter not eat. And so I get through the day by not thinking about it too much and offering her things to entice her. Because if I think about it, I'll become immobilized by fear and I'm afraid she'll shrink away to nothing.

I will end by saying, though, that in my defense the ice cream is hardly ever in our freezer. Our cupboards hold mainly MF (of course), soup, and pasta. Some tuna. The fridge has veggies, meat, fruit, milk, yogurt and applesauce. There are no chips, pretzels, etc. in our house. We do have snack-size bags of microwave kettle corn. I think I'm doing a good job overall. I have to think that, I guess, to keep going. My daughter did not have a McDonald's fry until she was over 2 years old, and it wasn't me who fed it to her. I'm trying the best that I can. And I know you weren't attacking me, Tawanda - but I attack myself and that's why I sound defensive here. It's never far from my mind, the issues of food and feeding and nurturing and love. I'm doing my best.

[nickieluv]

That's a good idea - I like the positive/negative/neutral approach and finding a balance. I think on the whole my daughter is at about 65% positive with her foods on a daily basis. But maybe higher than that, because I would measure the negative at only about 10-15%. That would leave 20-25% neutral, but maybe that's about right. This is a new procedure for me so I might not have it down.

I know that an overweight child can be malnourished as well as a very thin child. Your food has to be worth something to make a difference. She definitely has my love of sweets - just say 'cake' and watch her face light up! But she doesn't gorge herself with serving after serving and if she can grow up to enjoy sweets in moderation like your oldest and youngest, and Tawanda's husband, then I will be very happy for her. In fact, that's a goal I have for myself. To end the binges and the urge to clean my plate even if something doesn't taste good or I'm full.

Moderation. Not a word I've had a lot of experience with. I binge. I'm all or nothing. Whether it's food, work, sleep, alcohol, hobbies - that's my MO. I'll read nonstop for a few weeks, then nothing. Watch TV and movies in all my free time for a few weeks - then, nothing. Either have a very productive day, doing way too much and exhausting myself, or doing absolutely nothing. I suppose it's no wonder I have such a hard time trying to learn a new way of eating, when binges occupy my whole life.

Once again - all or nothing - I came online for 'just a few minutes' and it's been over an hour, and I still haven't even done the one thing I got on the computer to do in the first place. So I'm going to go now, and talk to you all later. Have a great Sunday if I don't get back before tomorrow.

[nickieluv]

Not a good day yesterday. Much worse than Friday. My husband left to watch the second playoff game with his brother. I didn't want him to go because I didn't think I could stay on plan with him gone. I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sadly, so did he. We should have just stayed together. He agrees. It's not either of our faults that the other one went off - we're just stronger together. For me it was like day 2 again, and that's a hard day. For him, there was pizza when he got there, and that's like his thing.

He was planning to go off for Superbowl Sunday but he says he felt so bloated and gross after yesterday that he doesn't want to do that anymore.

I am having a lot of conversations with myself about Disney. The food is all paid for but that doesn't mean I have to stuff myself to 'get my money's worth' out of each meal. I decided not to try to stay on, especially after tomorrow - with the combination of a vacation mentality and my husband making no effort to stay on, that's just a losing battle. And planning to be on, and then going off, I think will make me eat even worse than if I just plan to be off and make good choices. By which I mean eating human amounts. Being like Tawanda's kids and leaving part of my meal on the plate. Vacation will be a success if I walk away from each meal satisfied but not stuffed. Still able to move and breathe.

Right back to exercising today and being on plan. I wish I'd charted my weight sooner yesterday - after getting onto my graphs and inputting Friday's weight, I was able to see that I really did make a lot of progress last week - over 6 pounds - even though it felt like nothing at all. I think if I'd seen that before going off it would have given me the boost I needed to stay on. All the conversation about kids depressed me, and then having my husband leave made me feel lonely and kind of stressed to have to put the girls to bed all by myself, I was wiped out and dozed on the couch a few times while watching a movie with my daughter - I had the trifecta of weakness. I want to believe that at least each screw up makes me stronger.

I had an idea - to put all my supplements for two weeks in one place, like a big bowl, and pick my meals out of there instead of going to the cupboards. Then instead of looking at tons of boxes and trying to figure out what I want, I just pick a packet and that's what I have. Then I can see some progress, and tell myself no other foods are an option until that bowl or whatever is empty. Then I only have to be strong for one day - the day I refill the bowl - instead of every meal being a turning point. Because if I'm honest, that's kind of how it is. Every meal is a chance for me to make a wrong decision. Of course if you put it that way, it means I've made a lot more good decisions than bad ones lately - but the bad ones seem to cancel out about a hundred good ones.

So let me be honest. It sucks to be fat. It sucks to have to lose weight. It sucks to have to not eat the foods I really want.

And it feels great to exercise. Not during, but after. And it feels great to see the scale go down. It feels great to look in the mirror and see stretch marks fading. It feels great to go about my day with less fatigue. I love feeling stronger. I love feeling clean, empty but satisfied, when I eat the MF way.

If I keep thinking about what I can't have, I'll keep fighting myself on this or any diet. If I can stay focused on the things I can do now that I couldn't before - like get on the floor more easily to play with my daughters, lift my older daughter more easily, have the energy to actually get up and run around with her instead of just watching my husband play while I sit on the couch - these things are worth it. And there's more that I'm sure I'm not thinking of right now.

I vow to be more positive about my life. Instead of whining about feeling deprived, feeling fat, not losing fast enough (which I know now is very subjective, since I thought 6 pounds was nothing), I will focus on the good things about my life now that I am on MF and exercising.

[Tawanda]

Nickie!!!!!

I had no intention of making you feel badly, but I knew it was a possiblity if I brought up what I was wondering about. I am sorry if I hurt you or if I made you feel badly. The intent is not to hurt nor make any accusations but to ask if you were possibly doing what I do, in squinting our eyes (our brains) and not allowing ourselves to see the big picture of what our actions are.

Gosh that sentence (paragraph) was horrible--but I'm not at all good with explanations, sentence structure and grammar.

My children's eating habits are still a shock to me whenever I eat with them. One daughter can keep Halloween candy in her pantry year round and stay out of it! I don't understand how she does it. She said it is because the variety isn't what she likes....and we're talking a HUGE bowl of assorted sugary junk. I told her it wouldn't matter if I liked it or not, if it is labeled 'sugary food' then I'm all over it. I don't know where they (the kids) learnt moderation and intelligence with eating-----but I'm thankful they haven't taken after me! They eat and choose their foods/quantities like their father....so--that is great, but makes me feel quite like the elephant in the room with my glutton ways.

Anyway, enough of me!

Your daughter's weight and lack of gaining. Instead of trying to add calories to her diet by adding sugary empty calories and nutrionally empty foods, how about asking the doctor what types of foods he'd like to see her eating. I would doubt that when he/she said to get her to consume more calories so she'll gain weight, he/she did not mean to feed her ----- well-- junk food. Nickie, you are like me, you don't like to cook and grabbing good tasting, nutrionally empty, processed food is easy, tastes wonderful and is usually much more appealing than something wholesome and healthy. Hey, if I come up against the choice of a snack bag of Cheetos or having an apple or banana.......it is a no brainer which one I'm going to choose. Cheetos win all the time (unless up against pizza or ice cream.....).

Wish I could sit with you, give you a hug and help you (which would help me too as I don't have the answers for myself yet).

Mothering is hard. Being good to ourselves is hard. But being responsible for the health of children is very hard in so many ways. We just have to do the best we can with the knowledge that we have.

I thought about sending you my contact info, but to be honest there are so many days where I am using all my energy & abilities to tread water and keep myself from drowning. I don't know that I'd be any good to help someone else stay afloat.

I'm on the computer pretty often throughout the day (too often I think). Please send me a PM, if you'd like and I'll watch that email address for one.

You are strong, you are capable, you are a good and caring mommy and you (and I) will overcome this addiction (for lack of a better word) to food. It is too important not to win this battle.

Again.....I'm sorry if my questions and remarks have hurt your feelings, I did not want to do that, but I did feel that you might want to look at those things you mentioned.

[nickieluv]

Hey Tawanda - I did feel badly but I bore you no ill will for it - the truth is often hard to hear and I am a stereotypical mom in that anything that involves my kids has the potential for outlandish amounts of guilt. I get mired down in it sometimes, and then I move on. I'm going to screw up my kids - the issue is not if, but when and how. If I'm hypervigilant and they grow up healthy and without food hangups, then I'll probably miss some other important area and they won't have a clue how to save money or something like that. It almost seems too much to hope for that both of them will grow up and have happy lives. But I do hope for that, of course, and I have to do what's in my power to make that happen.

My younger sister (from my Dad's marriage after he left my mom) has grown up without her mother since the age of 2. I know she has done well, but she has not had the same life she would have if her mom was still alive. I can't imagine leaving my girls alone. But what kind of mental illness is it when you eat yourself to death and deny it's happening? Probably on a par with those who drink too much but swear it doesn't affect their daily functioning.

I am going to kick a** in my workout tomorrow. I was up past 1am yesterday and did not work out in the morning - but this time it wasn't because I was nobly working to earn money for the family, I just overdid the diet soda (which sadly still has caffeine) and couldn't sleep. Today, yesterday, I wallowed in the mistakes of Sunday. I was talking about it with my husband and I can't seem to stop myself from making grand predictions and then getting upset when I'm not meeting those goals. I can't seem to be realistic. I always want more, faster, better. And now, with only a few weeks left until vacation, I feel like I can't possibly make any worthwhile progress, the vacation will be ruined because I won't fit in any rides, so what the hell's the point of trying? I'm just going to be fat and ugly my whole life so why kid myself?

That, at least, is how I've felt the last two days. I'm conveniently forgetting that while, yes, I lost almost 70 pounds last time, it took me about 9 months. It didn't happen overnight - it just seems that way now, looking back. I know that at the time it seemed painfully slow some weeks, but I didn't focus on the weight loss. I focused on my life and the weight just came off while I was doing other things.

I can't have just a meal or two off-plan. I am addicted to the way food enables me to ignore everything else. When I'm eating I'm not thinking about what a failure I am, or how tired I am, or how much work I have left to do - I'm just thinking about putting that hand to my mouth over and over again. Eating is easy. You can't fail at eating. Everybody knows how to do it and it doesn't require a lot of work or planning.

I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense. Of course I just watched Biggest Loser and I felt like I was Joelle. (spoiler alert possibly coming up here) I talk a good game, I can say all the right things, but I don't put my whole soul into it because then I might fail and that would suck. If I fail but didn't try in the first place, then who cares? But if I try to kick a** and it's still not good enough, that would really suck.

Here's the funny part, though - how could failing possibly make me feel any worse about myself than I do now? I really don't have anything to lose. I already think I'm a loser because I can't even stick to a diet as simple as MF. I already think I'm weak because I can't steer clear of sugar and carbs. I'd just be proving what I already know if I fail.

But I'm not weak. I am stubborn as a mule and I hate it when anyone tells me what to do. It should infuriate me that a doughnut can make me forget everything I'm working towards. I should be worth more than 75 cents and a sugar high.

I've tried to just ignore the weight before, and I need to do that again, although it's the hardest thing for me. Weight is easy to measure and it lends itself to colorful graphs and charts. I don't need a fancy incentive system, I just like playing in Excel.

What I need to do is ignore EVERYTHING. Just live my life and oh, by the way, eat when I'm supposed to and exercise when I'm supposed to. My days should be full of decisions about which games to play with my daughters, not which food to scarf up. I am a bad mom when I'm bingeing. I am a great mom when I feel strong and alert and light.

I just need to do it. Ignore the bells and whistles. Just get it through my thick skull that this is how I eat from now on, and then stop thinking about it. No food decisions whatsoever. Auto-pilot.

Eventually I will have to make food choices again but why force myself to agonize over it now, when I have the supreme luxury of just avoiding the whole dilemma?

So, I'm going to bed now. I'm working out tomorrow. I'm not going to stop for the whole workout no matter how much I think I'm going to die. I will literally drop the weight and pass out rather than let myself stop. I will do all the moves no matter how much it hurts. I won't get stronger if I avoid the pain. Emotional and physical. Time for a new me. Or at least, time to let the best parts of me kick the other parts out of the way - the parts that are holding me back.

[nickieluv]

Well that sucked.

I was all gung-ho to really nail my workout today, and instead I was ready to die.

I asked my husband if there was some sort of workout 'hump,' where you get temporarily weaker and then suddenly you're stronger. He said yes, but since I was making that up to make myself feel better I think he was just being nice.

Today was my 7th time doing this workout in 10 days. I've heard the trainer say 7 times that by day 5, 6, 7 you'll feel a lot more endurance. Um, no, not true, Jillian. I've been holding my breath for day 7 thinking if I could just make it that far, I'd see progress.

OK, to be fair, I do see and feel progress. I keep making it harder for myself by doing more of the cardio, stopping less, and using heavier weights when certain exercises get too easy. But still. I want to feel like it's easy, I guess. But then I know that if it feels easy, it's not doing you much good. Exercise is supposed to push your limits so that you grow.

Well, I've caught my breath pretty much so I'm going to go shower and get on with my day. To be honest, I do feel pretty awesome that I'm sticking with it, even though I'm eating like crap. Maybe that's part of my problem today - really bad fuel. I am really looking forward to being back on MF from now until vacation. 30 days. I CAN do it, I WILL do it, no food is more important than my kids and they deserve a mom who can do it all and doesn't have to bow out of life because of her lack of energy. That part is already better, with the exercise - I actually chased my daughter around the house the other day. I NEVER do that. I just felt this surge of happiness and energy that day. It's nice to be able to share that with her, and not have it be just a Daddy activity.

Chores beckon - it's trash day - so off I go. Talk you y'all later.

[nickieluv]

Damn, I can't seem to shut up this morning.

Just wanted to say that after exercising I always feel more energy. So that's nice. I'm at the point with it where I feel better afterwards and am not dreading doing it the next day. I don't even mind the sweat so much anymore. Desensitization was key there, I guess.

And for one last time I'm going to beat myself up and then I will let it go. --Shame on me for wasting this precious time, when my family has made sacrifices so that I can stay home for an entire year, on thoughts of food instead of on thoughts of my family. Shame on me for not being present in the moment 100%, but instead thinking about what I could be doing later (and that's not all about food, but lots of things).

I feel tempted to make some grand, bold, sweeping statement about my committment and how things are going to change. But that never works out well so I'm not going to do that.

I'll just be very general and say that my goal for each day is to live in that day. I can look forward to different days, but I can't live in the future. I will be more attentive to my kids and I will interact more with them. I will treat my body the way I treat theirs - as precious. I will try to love myself more like I love my kids and in so doing, make better choices for my life.

That bordered on grand and sweeping, huh? Well, I'm trying. Leopard can't change its spots and all that....

[Tawanda]

Nickie, I'm sorry.

[nickieluv]

Don't you dare be sorry Tawanda! I mean, I can't tell you how to feel, but what you said would have just rolled off me if I hadn't needed so badly to hear it. Remember, I was off-plan Friday before any discussion started at all. And reading your journal entry today kept me away from pasta. Yep, I was considering it. Because I give food too much sway when it comes to my happiness. Remember that you can choose whether to have birthday goodies or not, depending on your goals for the day. We both need to make choices that support our goals instead of delay them.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts later, too, Leigh. I'm off to be in the moment with my girls. :-)

[nickieluv]

So I think I'm an enabler.

I just made a post in SuzyQ's journal saying that it was OK if she didn't stay on plan on her business trip.

I've been going really easy on myself for all my cheating. Saying that I know I'll do it eventually, I will succeed, blah blah blah.

I'm tough on my husband, I won't let him go off plan because I know how hard it is, but I'm super easy on myself.

At some point I have to decide if this is really what I want. I seem to have decided if you look at my actions, of course.

I DO want to reach my goals. They just seem so damned unattainable. And any attainable goal hardly seems worthwhile. Like if I said I wanted to lose 5 pounds, sure I could do that quickly enough (if I stayed on-plan) to get there in 2 or 3 weeks. But then I'd get there, and I'd say, 'what was the point of that? I'm still fat.' I'd have to do that 6 or 7 times to see any progress.

I was thinking last night that if I could treat myself as already thin, and try to feel the way I think I would feel if I were thin, maybe I could make better choices. I think it was Robin who once said to me that she thought it would be great if the day we decided to lose weight, we were at our goal already, and we just gained when we screwed up. That would be so much easier. Then again, maybe it wouldn't. I mean, if you didn't have to work to GET thin, would you care so much about maintaining it?

I don't know what it's going to take to get it through my head how much I need to do this. I was joking around last night that it would take a heart attack. I know that's not funny. But sometimes I wonder if dodging all these bullets isn't just negative reinforcement for me.

My mom is now on MF. She says she's done kidding herself (she always said no one wants a thin grammie, but a fat cuddly one is nice) and she needs to be at a healthy weight if she wants to live as long as possible. Her mom has high blood pressure and other problems and has never been overweight a day in her life, so there are genetics there for some of those problems. My blood pressure has always been great but that could change.

My mom is a great dieter, though. She makes up her mind, goes on a diet, sticks to it till goal. Or if she fudges a little, she keeps going from that moment on. I don't know how she does it.

Anyway, I'm trying again today. I need to change my mindset and realize that losing 5 pounds is good, no matter how many more I need to lose after that. And I need to understand that losing some weight before Disney is terrific, even if I don't lose the 60 pounds I secretly dreamed of, or even the 30 I thought was realistic a few weeks ago. I will have to live with my choices when I get there and just do as much as my weight will allow. I try to remember I can't be the only fat person to ever go to Disney, so it's not like I won't fit in any of the rides. My Dad went (we all did) when I was 12 and he was gigantic at that time, and he went on rides. I saw some old pictures of him over Christmas and I couldn't believe how big he used to be. It was eye-opening, too - because once I'm thin I'm sure I'll forget how I look now. Even last Christmas, I was still down pretty low in my weight even though I was pregnant, and in the pictures from last Christmas I looked so much better than I do right now. Once I'm thin, I personally hope to forget that I was ever fat. At least, I hope ten years from now I'm stunned by my 'fat pictures' because I'm still at goal and can't imagine going back to the way I am now.

I'm kind of babbling. Lack of sleep and physical Jillian abuse, I guess. I'm going for now. Back on plan, staying on plan, and I might even stay on plan for Disney. I hate the idea of wasting the money we spent on the meal plan, but my meals were basically free anyway because the dining plan is a 30% discount off regular meal prices. So if we hadn't gotten the plan and just bought food for three people, it would have cost the same. I hate more the idea of feeling bloated and uncomfortable all week long. Plus if I actually manage to get on plan and stay that way, I don't want to have to go through this hell again next month. OK, I swear I'm going now.

[SuzyQ66]

Nickie - congrats on keeping up your workouts...that a step in the right direction. Maybe take everything one step at a time. Continue with the workouts and keep trying at MF. Maybe one day they will meet and come together.

I didn't really take your post in my journal as an enabler. I really didn't think of anything except encouragement and not to hit myself over the head if I don't succeed. However, I think what I do need is for somebody to hit me over the head if I continue on this path. Sometimes we just need a kick in the butt...but that doesn't always work for everybody.

Nickie - I don't know how to help you other than encourage you to continue to try. Trying is better than not doing at all. I wish there was a magic word I could say and bam!! you would be back on track. I am so sorry that this is so frustrating for you. But believe me...I have been there. You just need to force yourself to stick to it...get through Day 1 by getting through every couple of hours. Then make yourself stick to Day 2...and so forth. Soon you will be a week into it and then two weeks and you won't want to come off. You have to make that choice though Nickie. You need to have faith in yourself and realize that you are worth it.