The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

I think it comes down to believing that I deserve to be happy. Not because I am perfect, or even a good person, but just because I exist. God put me here and I don't believe He intended for me to be miserable. Perhaps it seems spiteful to Him that I am still not happy after all the blessings He has given me? Or that I am squandering those blessings by continuing with unhealthy habits that will shorten my life?

There's nothing wrong with being happy. Other people have hardships, and I have been so lucky not to have disaster or true heartbreak in my lifetime. But that doesn't mean that I have to feel guilty about it, and punish myself for not suffering like other people have.

All the guilt I feel for getting pregnant so easily, and having two healthy children, when others struggle so hard to have children and some can't no matter what they do.

The guilt I feel for having a job that I love, and a husband that is so wonderful to me, and both of those things just fell into my lap without me seeking them out.

The guilt I feel for us living on one income and still being able to pay all our bills, when others are losing their homes and having to take on second and third and fourth jobs to make ends meet.

Whenever something good happens in my life, rather than rejoice about it, I feel guilty because somewhere, someone else is unhappy - so that I feel I have no right to be happy at all while there is suffering in the world. Instead, I should sacrifice all I have to try to help others. And while that may seem honorable, I don't sacrifice all I have - so I feel guilty. A cycle that doesn't end.

God is taking care of me in such a wonderful way, and I don't enjoy it. I wonder why I am so blessed when others are not. Instead of thanking God for what I have, I wonder why He gave it to me instead of someone else more deserving. And being fat is my penance, the thing I must be to make up for getting things I feel I shouldn't have gotten.

Being fat is my punishment - my self-inflicted punishment - for not being perfect. For not being worthy. Being fat will maybe even the scales a bit by not allowing me to really enjoy what I have been given. People can say, 'well, at least she is fat,' and then they won't want my life.

None of this makes any sense. I'm just sort of - venting? Free associating? Some other buzzword? These are just thoughts. Some of them I've had before, some of them I've even written here before. I think there is truth in here somewhere. I don't feel like I've had any big revelation or 'aha' moment in writing this. Maybe I am writing it, thinking it, but not letting myself feel it. I'm not sure what's happening. But there it is, for better or for worse.

[nickieluv]

Is it possible for someone to just have a wonderful, happy life? Are there others who have not been touched by tragedy, or even heavy sadness? Am I just denying tragedies that may have happened in my life?

Do I not want to be thin because I am afraid I'll be unbearable to MYSELF - do I think my ego will go out of control?

Or do I not want to be thin because I've convinced myself that being fat is my protection from bad things? As long as I had this one thing that was 'wrong' in my life, maybe I was protected from really bad things. And if I lose the weight, I will be opening myself up to many possible bad things.

Maybe I am just afraid because the weight is a shield. Even with my fragile self-image, I do have thoughts like 'if I were thin I'd be really hot,' or 'if I were thin then there would be no stopping me.' But then there are the thoughts that if I were thin, nothing at all would change, and then I would have to face myself as I am, without the veil of fat to blame everything on.

Just more thoughts. I'm kind of on a roll here. And I do believe there's something to all this - maybe I need to come back and read it later, in a week or a month or a year - maybe it needs time to sink in through my mental defenses. But for now - Happy Thanksgiving and off I go for the night.

[SuzyQ66]

Happy Thanksgiving Nickie!! I hope you are truly have a wonderful day with your family.

T's entry in your journal on Tuesday is very powerful and one worth reading many many times. I had read one of her posts either the first week I was fully compliant this time around or right before I started...but what she said clicked and helped me stay on plan. She talked about the conflicts she mentioned in Tuesday's post. How one part of her wants the food but the other one wants to be healthy. She said these two issues are at conflict with each other...but whatever one is most important to you is going to be the one that wins out. That was a powerful statement for me. WHATEVER ONE IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU WILL WIN OUT...I chose health...that is more important to me right now...and I have to hold onto that to be successful.

Nickie, I truly hope you find your way.

[nickieluv]

Well, here I am, back on the horse.

I actually started reading "Joining the Thin Club" last night, instead of just letting it sit on my shelf until the due date. It has good ideas in it that can even work for the weight loss phase, as it has advice about emotional eating and temptation and backsliding - all things that I am well-versed in, but obviously not well-equipped to fight. Hopefully these ideas will help.

Today my husband let me sleep in, and while he does this usually on Saturdays each week I never actually sleep in - not sure why, but I just get up about 15 minutes after he goes downstairs with the kids. Today I actually let myself sleep in - until about 10:30. It seemed very decadent. Now I'm downstairs and I've already done some laundry and dishes and I'm having my first shake of the day. Soon I'll get the baby a bottle and read some more.

I have decided to not eat any real food except on weekends. I've said this before to myself, but then as soon as I get hungry I convince myself to have some cheese or meat because it's protein - and then I say I'll just have less with my green later, but I never do. I know - I should have another shake. And when I actually get my brain around that, it usually turns out I don't even need another shake. But this whole food thing is not working out very well for me, so I'm just going to have something MF every two hours from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. That could wind up being 7 or 8 supplements. But that's what I'm doing. It will massively simplify my week - I'm planning to set a timer to go off every two hours, then I don't have to watch the clock, and hopefully that will enable me to go about my day not even thinking about eating - just reacting like Pavlov's dog to the timer. Then on weekends, I can have my L&G and maybe we will even make it a habit to sit at the table on weekends for dinner instead of in front of the TV. That would be nice.

So that's the plan. Simple as can be. I have to decide what I want the most and - in the book I'm reading, she talks about an angiogram being her wake-up call. She describes the whole procedure and it sounds horrible and painful. I don't want to go through that. Then this morning, I took my thyroid pill - and couldn't remember if I had already taken it when I went to bed. So I was thinking maybe I took two pills, and I was convinced I was going to have a heart attack or something, and of course I 'felt' chest pains and dizziness and all these things. It was scary. And that was just an accident. It got me thinking, that it's really possible I could die. Maybe that's a function of turning 30 and starting to believe that I'm not really invincible or immortal - but I might not be here for my girls. It could happen. How in the world could I forgive myself if I left them by my own hand? Isn't overeating just a very slow suicide?

The book made me realize I've been in massive denial. I've convinced myself I'm not in such bad shape at all, even though I weigh almost 250 pounds. And I look in the mirror and think maybe I'm not all that fat? Insane!! I'm carrying over 100 pounds of extra weight - a whole person - how can I think I'm not that fat? Or that I'm somehow the exception to the rule and I'm still perfectly healthy? Diabetes and heart disease are waiting with open arms if I keep this up, and sooner rather than later. I'm not young anymore. I have people depending on me. I can't afford to be in denial.

Besides, I'm so awesome, it would be a shame to deprive the world of my company.

[nickieluv]

Here I am again - had my first shake - determined and yet unsure.

I did some hard copy journaling last night and it seems that I have a lot of reasons for staying fat. More in that column than in the lose weight column. So of course each moment is a struggle - there are huge parts of my brain that don't want this change at all.

Last time, when I finally got serious and lost a good amount of weight, my goal was to have another baby. And as soon as I got under 200, the thoughts of a new baby got stronger and stronger, and I could not stick to the program. I think it's harder for me to use that same motivation because my baby is still a baby - not even 5 months old - and it's more difficult to think about the next one right now. But if I don't start now, I won't be physically ready to have the next one when my mind catches up.

I also have a lot invested in my fat - my sense of self - fat is one of the first words I use to describe myself. I've always been fat, or at least, I've always thought I was fat, because I was a fat little kid and even when I slimmed down as a teenager, fat was my identity. I honestly don't know how to be thin. And I'm afraid that even if I power through and lose weight, I will just gain it all back precisely because that's what I know - fatness. So in a sense, I wonder why I should bother if it's not going to last. It's hard enough being on a restart because of pregnancy weight, which was only partially because of me being 'bad' - imagine if I had to start all over again, because I went back to bad habits?

Then there's coming to terms with the fact that my life does indeed have to change, and my priorities have to shift. The successful maintainers here are all exercisers - and statistics prove that is essential to maintenance. So to stay thin, I will have to make good food choices even when confronted with every food there is, and I will have to balance kids, work, and exercise. I can't stay on MF forever - even if I get into a comfort zone and know exactly what is 'safe' to eat on plan, I will have to transition eventually and learn all new ways of eating. I have to say goodbye forever to the ease of just eating whatever I want and not worrying about how many calories it is.

These are some big ideas that I have to accept and internalize before I can be whole-hearted about losing weight. And until I'm in it 100%, I'm going to continue to struggle. When there is so much subconsciously telling me to quit, I can't always forge ahead.

I have great head reasons to lose weight, but my heart is not in it. I am still trying to do the diet anyway, and try to work things out as I go, and wean myself off of food as a coping mechanism and friend and everything else. It would be so much easier, though, if I was completely on board with myself and these changes.

And you know, I equate food with love. When I want to do something nice for someone, it includes food. Family gatherings include food. I look at my daughter and I wonder if I will be able to love her as well if I am thin - I know that seems ridiculous, but I wonder if a smaller body or smaller arms can hold her as well, protect her as well. Thin people don't seem very cuddly or snuggly. I think of thin people as being bony and uncomfortable to hug. I can't imagine holding my husband, even, without our layers of fat between us as cushioning. Naked will seem really naked when I don't have all the rolls keeping me safe and apart. Fat protects me from getting too close, literally. I know those two ideas are kind of opposites - fat makes me cuddly, but keeps me apart - I guess I think no one will love me if I'm thin. How backwards is that?

I've never known a thin person who was loving. How's that for ya? My thin family members are not anyone I'm close to (aunts, uncles, even my grandma). I always felt most loved by the fat ones (mom, dad). My brother and sister were thin when they were younger and we didn't really connect - now that we are all older, and now they are fat, too, we seem to get along better. Now I'm sure all this has nothing to do with the weight, but more with age and maturity and personality. Of course I felt most loved by my mom and dad. It makes sense that aunts and uncles would be more distant. And my grandmother had a host of intimacy and abuse problems in her lifetime so she doesn't really show her love well. And certainly as siblings grow up, the stupid arguments and things fall by the wayside.

I'm trying again today, as I said. I'm not really thinking about food as such, but more about weight. The reasons I have for losing and staying the same. I know I did some work on this last time, but there are years and years of layers to work through. I'm peeling the onion. In the process I hope I can see that I need to make better food choices. Today is a new day and hopefully a successful one.

[katieb920]

Nickie my friend, you and I are so alike. I was always the fat friend who always did what ever my friends and family wanted me too. All of my friends were super thin. I was always the protector for them.. If they had a problem they would come to the fat friend who was nice and cushy. Well you know what it is about me. And it is about you...... You can do this. Do not do it for anyone else do it for yourself. Feel Proud of who you are. I am proud of you. I know how hard it is, trust me I am going through it. If you need me I am here.

Katie

[nickieluv]

I am doing well so far today, Katie, thanks. It's nice to know that someone understands - I mean, I think a lot of people here share certain issues and fears, but it sounds like you know just what I mean when I talk about where I am right now.

I'm on plan so far today and I tried to exercise - used a programmed workout on our treadmill, but only made it a little over 8 minutes out of the 20. My right calf is cramped up, as are my arches - I guess I need better shoes. I have a pair upstairs I can use. Anyway, my hands are shaking and I'm having trouble typing. My first exercise goal will be to make it through that workout and not feel like I'm going to die when it's over - then I'll move up to the 30-minute workout.

So that's me today. In a few minutes we are taking the kids over to my mom's for a couple of hours so we can sort through Christmas presents and maybe get some wrapped and ready to go. But mostly we need to see what we have so we know what is left to buy - hopefully not much. This year, for the first time, we have to hide these things from my older daughter because she's officially old enough to 'get it.' No more shopping for her presents with her in the cart - it was nice while it lasted.

I feel OK today - talked for a while with my husband about what I've been thinking and feeling, and how some of it affects him. I've still got a long way to go but I think I will make it through today. I'm prepared for an awful weigh-in, though - over a week of bad choices cannot be undone in one day. I guess I really do need to just take it a little bit at a time. On the plus side (there is a silver lining to all my slips the last week) I know now that it's never as good as you think it's going to be. I know that will help me resist the cravings and temptations because literally EVERY TIME I ate something I shouldn't have, it was not satisfying. There's a clue right there that the food isn't really what I'm craving anyway. Even Thanksgiving - I really enjoyed the portions that I put on my plate, but when I went back for seconds, nothing tasted nearly as good as it had the first time. Dessert included. So that was an object lesson that more is not better. The first portion might be there for the taste, but after that it's for some other purpose - hiding, or stuffing something down, or doing what is expected of me by others (gorging myself, because that's what I've always done, or that's what you have to do or the host won't think you liked it).

So, off I go again today. I thought about staying away until I had a few days under my belt - that's a recurring theme around here, not just in my journal, I know - but it's better for me to be here, accountable and checking in. It keeps me connected to other people and even though I know your lives are not affected by whether I'm on plan or not, MY life is affected by whether I come here or not. So here I am. And will continue to be.

[nickieluv]

At the moment I don't really want to do this at all - but I am. I've looked back already and bemoaned the wasted time. I don't want to do that again when I finally get everything straight in my head.

I told my husband that emotionally it was the right thing to try to breastfeed my daughter again - now she's completely on formula but I don't feel any guilt because I know I tried my best. But for my diet, it was the kiss of death. I was excited about being on plan, I'd almost completed two weeks, I was almost in the teens - and then I went off because I knew such low calories were killing my chances of breastfeeding my daughter even partially. It was a tough decision but I feel I made the right one for my family. However, although I'll never regret that choice, I see that it made things a lot harder because I have not been well and truly on plan since then, early August. I've been trying, limping along, but I haven't made any real progress and have in fact gone backwards - I started initially at 235, and by the end of October I was 245, and here it is almost a month later and I'm even higher than that.

So I'm basically forcing myself to be on plan today. I can force it for a couple of days, but man it is not easy. It would be so much better to be in it wholeheartedly. But forcing it is better than gaining, I suppose. Hard work builds character, right? I just hope I don't have to force every minute for too much longer. It's exhausting.

[nickieluv]

So in case I ever doubt I'm an emotional eater, here's proof.

My husband is leaving the house to see the football game. I thought it was an evening game. Turns out he's leaving in 30 minutes and I am going to be alone with the girls on a Sunday afternoon, which just changes all the plans I had for doing some Christmas shopping and having some family time. So I'm pissed, and the first thing I wanted to do was eat anything greasy and bad for me.

I'm still pissed but I realize eating is not going to change a darn thing. Then I'll be mad at myself as well as my husband. Although it's not his fault either that I misunderstood when the game was - but I hate surprises and I hate last minute changes. ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

[Tawanda]

Good for you for doing all the thinking and soul searching lately to dig to the bottom of what you really want.

Eating when we are upset only makes things worse...it may make us feel 'better' while we are doing it, but the disappointment we feel afterwards just isn't worth it.

I hope you'll find something enjoyable to do with the girls instead of eating.

You can do it!

[SuzyQ66]

Nickie...it does sound like you are doing a lot of soul searching. I have been on plan now for I think 6 weeks...I have had a rough couple of days but keep resisting the temptations....I have a cookie cake looking at me right now...calling my name....but I will resist. If I take a bite of that cake, I will feel initially in heaven....it will be great. But then the guilt will kick in and then I will think back to that first week and how I will need to go through that again to get into the groove. Just not worth it.

You can do this Katie...if I can...you can...and believe me...I have been in your shoes...it took me close to 9 months to get back on plan....kept trying but it just wouldn't stick. One day Nickie..it will finally stick. Something will click for you...you will figure it out.

[nickieluv]

I went back in my journal to try to find where it 'clicked' the last time. I didn't quite make it there but I did read a lot of the things I was struggling with back then - and while the result (me not being on plan) was the same, the issues are a little bit different. It was still fear, but now it seems I'm afraid of different things than I was before. I'm not afraid of failure, because I know I will succeed at this - but now I'm afraid of that success somewhat. I can't think of any logical reason not to be completely on plan when I know for a fact that I will lose an amazing amount of weight and feel terrific and look much better and really be proud of myself and enjoy living life again. How the hell can chocolate or pizza compare to that? It can't. Food gives false comfort and temporary euphoria, nothing lasting, and certainly nothing like love.

Thanks, Suzy, for prompting me to think of the 'click' and do some reading tonight.

Tawanda, I did have fun with my girls - the oldest and I played games for an hour before bedtime, and I was actually sitting on the floor to play with her so I know I'm not literally back at square one since I could do that. It was so nice to just spend time with her - she is so amazing, and day to day I tend to get caught up in routine and frustration and I don't take enough time to really enjoy her and her sister, and the fact that I get to be home with them for a full 14 months before having to go back to work.

If I follow that line of thought through, then I need to admit that when my time at home is up, I will never be able to keep this family going if I am not in good shape. I will be wiped out when I go back to working full time, and then try to teach piano lessons on top of that and run the household too. Plus I might even be pregnant again and wiped out even more because of that.

My kids are amazing. I want more babies. That was a great motivator the last time so maybe it will work again after all. This time I'll say that I have to be at least down to 160, if not all the way to goal, before conceiving. If I don't have another baby, I don't get another year at home, either - that's not the reason I want another baby, I always wanted 5 kids is all and my husband compromised with 2, but now is ready for the 3rd and even hinted at more beyond that if they keep coming out so awesome - but I want my kids to grow up differently than I did. Better.

I told my husband I don't want to put any candy in the Christmas stockings this year. We do candy for Halloween and candy for Easter, and once every six months seems like plenty to me. We have several cute little presents for my daughter's stocking and that seems more fun to me than candy, anyway. Besides, we have candy canes on the tree, too.

And I really want to make dinner at the table a reality on the weekends. My daughter should learn table manners and just how to set a table. Plus we're having trouble with her running all over while she's eating and that's not appropriate in my book. Although for a 3-year-old maybe that's normal behavior?

There are so many things I want for my kids and I'm starting to realize that I can't make these things happen if I am not at my best - healthy, strong, energetic.

It's going to take months to lose all this weight. But I can do it.

I hope this is not my usual 'the day is over and tomorrow I can try again' confidence - I hope this is the 'click' moment. I WANT to run around with my daughter. I WANT to plan active vacations. I WANT to not be an embarrassment to my kids - at least not by my size, because I suppose you can't help but be an embarrassment to your kids at some point in their lives (teenage years, anyone?). I WANT to be confident with my husband and not avoid contact with him. I WANT to be proud of myself instead of constantly making excuses for why I fail or fall short of my own standards.

So often I feel this way at the end of the day, when the damage has been done - and by the next day it's all gone. I need to make some changes in more than just what and how I eat for this to become a reality. But my downfall may be in trying to make every change all at once. Let's start with the MF. Give it the 3 weeks suggested. During that time, try to slowly get my sleeping habits to a better place. Get some control over the house again, the mess. (Anyone else notice how when you are out of control in one area, others seem to get worse and worse as well?) And then start to worry about exercise afterwards.

[nickieluv]

So I really hit the diet soda today - at least 6 cans - and I didn't bother to buy the caffeine-free stuff at the store because I usually don't drink more than one can a day, and being not pregnant it was nice not to worry about whether I had caffeine or not. But I am definitely caffeine-sensitive and now it is almost 1:30 in the morning and I am still wide awake. I'm going to head upstairs and try to get a little sleep before the baby wants her night feeding but I'm not optimistic about getting any rest. My own fault - there were other non-caffeinated things I could have had to drink.

On the plus side - I finished a book, got some Christmas shopping done, caught up on e-mails that I had to do for work and also some family communications. Tomorrow will not be fun, though. Maybe I can manage to get both girls to take a nap at the same time. Baby is getting into more of a routine so it will really just take convincing my older daughter that she needs to lie down with me for a while. But I have those plans every so often and they never work out, so we'll see.

I still feel like I want to be on plan tomorrow and henceforth. Only time will tell if I continue to fight myself but I'm optimistic. I have some ideas about how to power through the first week that will be good for everyone, not just me and my food issues - things like playing more actively with my daughters, and getting more household chores done, and I have no shortage of books to read to take my mind off things in the quiet moments. I know from experience that getting my eating in order seems to help me get lots of other things in order - when I am bingeing I am also neglecting other things I should be doing besides eating.

And of course I can always come here - lucky people!

[DogMa]

This only addresses one tiny part of all this, but ...

Re: protecting your daughters (and yourself, for that matter). Think about it, Nickie. How much REAL protection can you provide when you're overweight and out of shape (not to mention sick, if you end up with diabetes and/or heart disease)? Wouldn't they be safer with a fit, healthy, energetic woman who's strong and fit?

Not to mention protecting them from one of the biggest threats of all: losing their mother prematurely.

[SuzyQ66]

Oh Nickie - I can so relate to not being able to sleep because of caffeine. I always have to drink caffeine free. If I have even one soda with caffeine...even if it's late morning or early afternoon...I will have a difficult time sleeping that night.

I hope your night went better.