The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

Hmm. My prediction is you'll have extra for a few days, but if you can get past that, you won't be having extras every day because you won't be so hungry.

[nickieluv]

Robin, I didn't think you were harsh. Blunt, maybe. Not harsh.

My grandmother died of mismanaged diabetes. Stubborn as could be. My dad and my sister both have it (the adult onset kind). It's a real risk and I'm a sitting duck at this weight. I dodged it with both babies and that was very lucky.

If I don't care enough about myself to change, I never will. The people who love me can't do if for me, even if they want to.

Time to get tough with myself. Tough love. Time to flip that switch in my brain and pretend all other foods do not exist. They are not that great anyway. There are lots of things better than food and I'll lose them all eventually if I don't take charge.

[nickieluv]

Thank you for the thoughts, Leigh. That's exactly what I'm trying to do - pretend that no other foods exist for me.

I'm also realizing that I am a big kid about food. I want it and I want it now. When my daughter gets like that I just lay down the law and tell her not to speak to me that way or throw fits. By not letting her have what she wants, is she going to grow up and be like me? The thing is, there weren't any food limits in my house growing up. I could have whatever, whenever. And I'm still like this, but I was a fat kid, too. I want my daughter to avoid that.

I'm trying to laugh at myself when I get an attack of the 'I want' monster. Trying to remember that I am not a child and that I have learned self-control and delayed gratification. I don't NEED to have everything I WANT the second that I want it. I can be an adult about this.

Today has been OK. I've wanted things and thought that I should wait one more day, or wait until Sunday, to start again. But that is just silly. I have all this MF food, and it's not going to go away unless I eat it, and I might as well get some weight loss out of the deal.

So I'll try all these things, and then when I want something I will picture how I would look eating it - and then picture how I could look next summer if I DON'T eat it - and hopefully that will do the trick.

I'm off to have another shake.

Oh - and I worked out yesterday - Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred. OMG, I could not even finish the second circuit. So that's a bit too advanced for me to start out with - but if anyone was thinking about trying it, I recommend it. There are three different workouts on it and they are only 20 minutes each, but you are working the whole 20 minutes. I can see how in 30 days you could see some great results working through each progressive routine. I'm definitely going to try it again when I'm in better shape. For now, I guess it's Walk Away the Pounds - more my speed.

[SuzyQ66]

Leigh gave you some great advice. Nickie - you need to decide to do this for yourself. I know you want to do it....but for some reason you are allowing cravings for food to take over. You just need to tell yourself no..no..no...for a day...then the next day might be a little easier because you didn't give in to those cravings the day before and you want to keep the record going....only you can decide if you want this bad enough.

[nickieluv]

Well, I do believe that if something is TOO much of a struggle, then something is not right. But my only struggle has been with myself, not with the plan. So I know this is the right thing to do, I just have to do it.

Trying to act like an adult has been helping today. I also kept very busy with housework and errands. I can't fill all my days with that - well, I could, but then I'd have to do things I hate like dust and vacuum. I've got TiVo to watch and books to read and I can do this if I just stick with it.

Oddly, I didn't need any extra supplements today. I did have two bars, but I'm not sweating that after all. I think I need to have another shake, but I'm not positive. I'll have a cocoa, though - better to have one too many than not enough. I did have a L&G, too - one that I've had many times before on plan so I know it was OK. Not being very adventurous with the meals - and 'when in doubt, skip it' will be my motto.

I also sent all the possible trigger temptations over to my mother's house today when my daughter went with her to spend the day.

It's funny, but trying so hard NOT to think too far ahead, I lost sight of the big picture. Which is something bad, I think, for me. When Leigh mentioned thinking about May or June, it kind of clicked for me. Will there be any difference between today and tomorrow if I am not on plan? Not really. Day to day, I won't see a lot of changes. That's why it's so easy to wait 'one more day' before starting. But long-term, if I am not on plan, then in a few months I will be even bigger. I prefer to picture myself smaller. And that won't happen if I have even one bite of something 'bad,' because that leads me off the path really quickly. So, if I want a healthier summer, I have to start now.

So those are my big realizations today. Not much, maybe, but I feel like maybe I turned a corner today and can start to make some real progress. It's even easier to imagine summer now that it's officially winter around here (snow and all), because I look forward to that time anyway and I know it will come. I choose to greet the summer healthy and in control, instead of depressed and hiding yet again. And it all starts today.

[DogMa]

Re: delayed gratification, that's exactly it. You don't do everything ELSE you want the minute you want it, do you? Do you run out and buy a new car every time you see one you like, or think about how much you'd like a new one? Or what about Disney World? You didn't just decide to go and then get on a plane, right? You planned, you worked it out in the budget, you waited. Same with food. Just because you want pizza doesn't mean you have to GET it.

[nickieluv]

Today I'm having a replay of a weird thing from a few days ago.

I don't want to order anything or go off plan. I'm hungry, but I don't want to cheat. However, I keep thinking about it. I know that if I did it, I'd feel terrible, and it wouldn't taste good. But the thought is still there.

I'm remembering my plan to have extra MF if I feel like I need to. It's better than having something else. I did have some leftover lean from dinner two nights ago. Not quite a serving, so tonight at dinner if I want I can still have a small portion of lean with my green.

It's just odd to want to stay on plan, but keep thinking about going off anyway. I feel better now that I came here and 'talked' for a little bit about the feeling. I'm going to go have another supplement. It's day 2 again, and that's always a bad day for me. So I just have to make it through. I'm trying to think about next summer, too. I can do this.

On delayed gratification - with some things, yes, I can do it. With others I am very impulsive. Food is one of them - spending is another. At least, the kind of spending that I can call a gift for someone else. That's how I make it OK in my mind to spend the money - it's a gift, so it's not like I'm doing it for me.

I'm really excited about this trip coming up, and there's been a shift in my thinking there, too. I don't want to come home heavier than when I left. I was planning to take a break for the week we are down there. But after all this struggle, I don't want to go through that again. So I figured out that, especially with the new bars, I can stay compliant the whole week. We have one table-service meal each day and that's when I can get a L&G and eat with the family. Then my other meals that I'm not going to use, my stepson can use (teenagers are always hungry, right?) to eat an extra time each day. And I can use my snack allowance with the meal plan to get water or diet soda or something else compliant. I'll pack extra MF meals in case I feel weak or extra hungry with all the walking and activity. But if I can make it to February on plan and really get into the groove, then I know I can make it through vacation without wrecking everything I will have accomplished by then. And that would be pretty awesome to do. There will be other vacations when I am maintaining and I can tackle those when they come based on my values at that time.

So maybe I can take advantage of my natural tendency to over-plan and look ahead, and use the vision of myself in a few months as motivation. I won't look any different tomorrow if I cheat today, and that makes it easy to give in. But a few months from now, I could look very different based on the choices I make today. The time will pass, and faster than I can imagine, and at the end of it I can either have no MF in the cupboards because I gave up and sold it off, and be fat, or I can have no MF in the cupboards because I've used it all and have something to show for it.

And there's always that show to think about. And did I mention that the usual male costar in these shows is someone I graduated with who was just a pain in the a** about my weight? You know you always pretend that doesn't matter to you, but I really would like to just stick his nose in it one of these days. Then there's the ex-boyfriend who always said I was fat, although at the time I weighed only 10 pounds over my goal weight now - yeah, sometimes it's fun (although evil) to run into people like that and let them see what they gave up. Right now he'd be all too happy that he lost me. Those are not major reasons I want to lose the weight - just nice bonus prizes.

[nickieluv]

You had me up until the Everest thing. That will be my husband and stepson on there, not me! "Small World" is more my speed. Or the teacups.

I would LOVE to be under 200 by then. That's actually a goal in the back of my mind, but I know it's a tough haul to get there. So I'm not really putting a number officially in my mind as to where I want to be before we leave. Just lower would be nice.

I have an OB/GYN appointment on 1/26 and I'd like to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight (207) by then. That's a stretch, too, but it sure would be nice to have my doctor not be able to hassle me about my weight too much at that appointment. Not that he really gets on me about it anyway, but you know when you're fat you always dread doctor's appointments because of that inevitable 'look' when they see the weight on your chart. Well, I dread it, anyway.

I'm not doing a great job with my daughter's food lately, actually. She has breakfast, and then usually just snacks on cheese and juice and stuff until dinner. It's not exactly on purpose, it's just that I get busy with the house and the baby and I forget to really make her eat lunch. The upside is that she's been eating a lot better at dinnertime - usually she just would have a few bites and that's it. Now she's eating all her dinner. So she's not starving or anything. It's something I'll have to work on, though. She would rather play than eat most of the time so I have to keep an eye on her and make sure she gets enough food during the day.

Yesterday was a 5&1, but I had 3 bars. I know that means I wasn't really on plan, but in the scheme of things it was better. I did have 3 bars but it wasn't like I binged on them - they were at properly spaced times. Today I had 3 bars, 2 shakes, lean but no green, and hot wings. Timing was not as great (we were putting up all the Christmas decorations inside and out) and I totally caved into temptation - my husband is low-carbing so the wings are perfectly OK for him. He said he wouldn't order them anymore if it gets me into trouble. Oh, and I also had the PB yesterday and today. Yesterday I was just a little hungry, but today I felt like eating everything in sight. So overall I think it could have been much worse. I'm a work in progress.

So tomorrow is Sunday - a new day, a new chance to be 100% on plan instead of 'close enough.' I do feel OK about today - it wasn't pizza or Chinese food at least. I have to learn to make better choices and I think I did - there were breaded chicken tenders slathered in BBQ sauce and I didn't even look twice at them. So I don't feel awesome, but I feel OK.

I think the problem (change of subject here) with me thinking so far in the future was that I always put numbers to it. Like 'I will lose 20 pounds this month' or 'I will be compliant for 100 days' or something like that. I think looking more generally into the future is a healthier outlook. I don't know what I'll weigh in June, but I know that if I keep up with the plan it will be a lower number. And that means I'm going in the right direction. And the choices I make today DO affect what happens next month.

I have a cool Christmas-y sparkly sweater that I'd like to fit into for Christmas Eve. I may not make it but that is my first goal. Maybe I could at least be out of maternity pants by then. Thanksgiving is not even a blip on my screen right now, I'm so not worried about staying compliant that day - I know I can do it. Tomorrow will be a better day and I will keep doing the best I can until I reach my goals.

Well, that's all for today. Yep, that's right, I'm finally going to stop typing.

[nickieluv]

The bad news - I lost nothing this week.

The good news - I gained nothing this week.

I'll take it, given the events that have transpired with food this week.

I was sorely tempted this morning by Cool Whip as I was making a fruit salad for church. I think there might have been a microscopic bit on one of my fingers that I licked off without thinking - but I couldn't even taste it so it must not have been much. Now it's all made and wrapped and out of sight, and I've had my shake. I'm going to pack a bar so I can have something kind of sweet while people are eating after church (if I need it - usually I can resist and make it till I get home, but we might be there a bit longer this week because it's a confirmation Sunday so service and the refreshments will all last longer than normal).

I actually am pretty happy that I recovered this week. I do feel like I've turned that corner that I turned in February of 2007, when I finally got my act together and had a huge stretch of staying on plan and losing weight.

On the 'food for thought' side - I always think cheating doesn't change anything. Well, with last week's loss I shortened the time to my goal by months and months (since my projection was based on steady gains previously). This week, the time till goal increased by 104 days. 104 DAYS!!! That really makes you think twice about if the pizza or whatever is worth it. So whenever I feel tempted, I can think about the food and ask myself if it's really worth another potential three months of dieting. So think about that if you're tempted by Thanksgiving, everybody - even one day of cheating CAN make a HUGE difference. Let's take the shortcut this time!

[nickieluv]

It is like I am determined to fail.

No sooner do I say how much cheating derails me, than I go ahead and do it. Kisses yesterday, then toast, and today pasta and - the other 'p' word food that I have run-ins with on a regular basis. The thing is, I didn't even really LIKE any of the things I had. It was like I was watching someone else make the food and eat it. Out of body.

Which I know is just me trying to deny responsibility. It's like I feel compelled to push the limits. It was an 'experiment' in my mind to see if I could take one day 'off' every week, and have it be Monday (after blowing it yesterday, too!).

If you were to push pause on my life and ask me which I wanted - the supposedly yummy food or MF - I would have told you that a chocolate shake would hit the spot. I even worked out this morning - more justification? I hate feeling like something else is controlling me. I love the feeling I get when I am in control and doing the right things. And today started off so well, I got a ton of housework done and worked out before the kids were even awake. Manic state? Not to joke about that, but maybe I was a little too perky?

Well, I have to go - back to ponder more later.

[nickieluv]

So now I know what I should have done. The feeling to cheat did not come upon me all of a sudden. I felt it coming. I should have packed up the baby and just gotten out of the house - gone to the store, or taken a little drive, or walked the mall - anything to get away from the place where my bad habits have so often done me in. Because I think that's what it was - the pull of a habitual behavior, making me feel like it was too hard to fight it. But I totally could have fought it. And the strategy of removing myself from the situation would have helped a lot, I know it. I just need some distraction at those times, and I can move past the momentary desire to cave in or fail - it's not really a desire for certain foods lately, just a pull to do what I've always done.

There's no point in complaining about how much easier this would be if I were working. I'm not working, and I'm glad of that. So I need to make this work in the situation I'm in, instead of daydreaming about how it was last time.

I know I can do this. I don't doubt it. Maybe that is causing some subconscious fear of success and kicking the bad habits into high gear in some sort of last ditch attempt at preservation of the status quo. Not only CAN I do this - I WILL do this. I know I'm struggling for every inch of progress right now, but even if I have to do this by sheer stubborn muscle, I will get it done. You don't want to cross me when I've got my mind made up. Now someone just has to tell that to my brain.

[Tawanda]

Nickie, I don't know what to write, but I didn't want to just read and not respond.

I think I remember that when you were working, you believed that sticking to program was going to be much easier when you were home because then life would be a bit slower paced in many ways with more time to prepare/grab healthier foods. But maybe I'm just making that up and it wasn't what you said.... maybe it was just what I was thinking on your behalf?

Anyway....it is the good old conflicting desires that most of us have. We want to be fit, healthier and thinner------but we want it on our terms, which means we still want to eat pizza, ice cream (my personal 'trip up' food), cookies, snack foods, fast foods......etc.

We all 'know' the two desires are not compatible, but we keep trying to make them go together. I did very well for a long time in staying focused to lose my weight. Maintaining the weight loss is much harder, for me, because I keep trying to make those two desires work for me. It *will not* happen.

I hope you can find the spot where you can let go of the desire for the unhealthy eating-----the foods that are empty calories and poor nutrition. I know from my own life, experience and stuggles that even though our bodies may not show the damage that we are doing, by our poor food choices/eating habits, the damage is being done and it will show up. Arthritis in the knees from carrying the extra weight, heart disease from the build up of fats in our blood, diabetes........there is a whole host of health problems that happen as we continue to make the poor choices and pretend nothing bad is happening-------until the problem becomes so bad that it impacts our health enough to cause us big problems.

A number of medical problems cannot be reversed. That is what scared me. It is too late for me to undo the damage to my knees. Losing the extra weight has helped a lot, but I still do not have the range of motion that I had before I put on all the weight. I have no idea what my previous food consumption has done to my arteries, but thankfully I took control before I was diagnosed with heart disease or diabetes.

You have two wonderful little girls who will need their mommy for many, many years to come. They will want you healthy enough to run and play with them, to go with them on vacations, to go bike riding, roller skating, climbing trees or hiking......they are going to want you there when they marry, when they have their children.....to have you healthy and mobile enough to get down on the floor to play with 'their' children ......

I pray that you'll find the strength within yourself and the desire to make these healthy changes-------forever-----for yourself first, but also for your girls.

Hugs to you....I know this isn't at all easy. I hope you'll find something big enough to make you wish to make this lifestyle change. I found it, lost almost 70# but keeping the focus, for me, has been a bit like holding onto a greased pig -----darn hard! My refusal to buy larger clothing has kept my weight gain from growing overly large, but getting those pounds off so that I can be back at my goal weight is an incredible struggle.....I think I've written a lot of this not just to, hopefully, help you------but to remind myself of what is most important.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you'll find the motivation, desire and strength to make healthier choices for you. You deserve to be healthy, fit and at a healthy weight.

[nickieluv]

I'm here every day reading - just hanging out until I have good news to report. Struggling, obviously, but I still know I can do this. I have the advantage of knowing I've done it before, so it is possible. I am mulling over all the posts - and I know I could be mulling them over and still be on plan, but I'm not.

After a few days on plan I get mad that I'm not losing faster. I want it now. I know, could I sound any more like a petulant toddler? Then I read about how Suzy has lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks, and Leigh and her husband are losing so well, and I try to realize that it will happen faster than any other plan, but it's still not instant.

I think at this point I'm going to hold out until Friday - try not to eat my weight in turkey tomorrow or anything like that - and then take up the charge again.

I can and will reach my goals. It just seems to take me like 6 weeks to wrap my brain around actually doing it. And like Tawanda said, I keep trying to reconcile conflicting desires. Bargaining, thinking maybe if I exercise every day then I can be a bit loose about the plan - or if I'm on for 6 days, I can be off for the 7th. Perhaps those things would work if I was in maintenance - but again, from Tawanda's experience (which I am so glad she shared!!!), probably not.

It gets old talking about my failures so that's why I'm kind of lurking this week instead of actively participating. I am so proud of everyone's progress, and I'll be joining you in the upbeat posts soon. I know what to do - I've told myself, and been told, all of it before. I've even done it before.

Medigirl said in her journal post she's trying to figure out what the hole is that she's trying to fill with food. I'm pretty sure I know what my hole is - low self-worth. I can SAY that I'm valuable and all that, but to really BELIEVE it is another thing. I'm getting better - before I couldn't even see anything good about myself - but it's still not completely internalized.

I had one of those 'awwww' conversations with my daughter today. So corny, but here it is. We were talking about things we liked and I told her I really like her and her sister. And she asked 'daddy too?' And I said yes. Then she asked 'and you too?' and I told her that was a hard question, because sometimes I really don't like myself very much. She proceeded to tell me that I HAD to like myself because if I didn't, I would be grumpy like the grumpy old troll (on Dora cartoons) and so it was really important that I love myself, too. She brought little tears to my eyes. Sometimes kids just cut right to the heart of things without meaning to. I'm sure she has no idea what really goes on in my head and heart with regards to myself, but she hit the nail on the head anyway.

I guess I just can't imagine what my life would be like as a thin person. Not my life, exactly - but what would I FEEL like? Would I know myself? In the mirror, or even just day-to-day would I be at home in my body? I suppose that's why you don't lose weight too quickly - it's a mental adjustment as well as a physical one. I can't imagine looking down and not seeing a big belly and giant legs and flabby arms. I can't even imagine what that would feel like, because when I was thin I thought I was fat. Will I ever be satisfied? Will I always think I'm fat no matter what? And if I always feel fat, how can I treat myself like a thin person?

Well, I'm sure a few people are banging their heads on their keyboards right now wishing I would stop with the baggage and just get on program. I will - I think I need the baggage. I need to get it out there before I can let go of it. At some point I do have to force myself to walk the walk, and I will do so, I promise. I promise myself.

[DogMa]

Just a reminder of how far you've come ...

I guess I'm an emotional eater but I just don't identify with that. Whatever I'm trying to stuff must be really well-hidden. To me my eating seems out of nowhere, but I guess I'm going to start to see the truth of all this.

BTW, remember the counselor's suggestion about keeping a journal and recording what you were feeling when you ate off-plan? Maybe that would be more helpful now, since you seem to be more in touch with your feelings.

Just a suggestion.

[Tawanda]

Nickie, I have low self esteem and am lonely quite often. I know that I use food to self medicate and try to squash those feelings. My guess is that is the case for many people who have weight struggles and food abuse issues.

I wish I knew the answer, for my own healing and also to help others. I don't have any answers.

I count myself very lucky that I was able to stick with the program to get to my goal weight. Very lucky or fortunate or blessed, heck, all of those things. The struggles are not over for me. I'm just holding onto my determination not to allow myself to gain my weight back.

I wish you the best and wish I could give you a hug in person. This isn't easy at all, but continuing to fight until you win is admirable.

Hugs to you!