The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Dede. My struggles don't seem to be helping me very much lately so I'm glad they can help someone else!

After seeing Lenainie's pictures in the studio a couple of days ago, I wanted to try to find her journal and see how her journey has been. I finally looked it up yesterday and I was so disappointed!! NOTHING whatsoever to do with Lenainie personally, but *sigh* once again I was shown that the way to success is just - duh - sticking with the plan. She was compliant ALL THE TIME. Reading her story made me realize how much I really am dreaming that there's a way to lose weight without changing a darn thing about my food.

My goal starting yesterday was to be compliant all the way up to Valentine's Day. I keep putting it off. I was not 'good' yesterday either after I got home from work. And today I'm on the fence - I kind of want to be good, and I kind of want to eat garbage. It's like I spend my whole day debating with myself. Now I'm thinking that because I have my counseling appointment tomorrow, I should just wait one more day.

I'm not stupid, you know, despite how dense I seem. I don't know if I'll ever really get a handle on how important food is to me. What else could it be holding me back? A lot of me wants to get going and stick with MF, and still there's a part of me that seems to want to stay the same just so I can be comfortable eating whatever I want. Like losing weight is a punishment of some kind.

I've almost finished my food addiction book. It says that it takes 21 days without your addictive substances (usually sugar, flour, and fat for most people) before you stop craving them. So theoretically the flour and fat are gone on MF, but I just checked out my RTD and sugar is the 3rd and 4th ingredient listed. I'd been wondering if the RTDs were part of my problem, because I have three a day and maybe the sugar in them sets up cravings for me. And when I was 'good,' on the weekends I didn't have any RTDs and I seemed to have an easier time. Of course my husband is home on weekends, so it could just be the loneliness goes away and I'm better equipped to make good choices. Anyway, the convenience of the RTDs is great but I think in my next order I'm going to get the cold drinks, like the tea and fruit punch, and just shake them up myself at work. But first I have to get home and compare the sugar content. I wish they'd let me have a fridge in my classroom. Then I wouldn't have to drag water back and forth every day, but I could just stock up the fridge periodically. Water is heavy!

Well, speaking of water, I've been chugging a lot today and I'd better take care of something before I have kids in here and it's too late. I'm not sure what my decision is on today and being compliant. I know if I wait for things to be perfect, I'll just never do it. I'm still working it out.

[bikipatra]

Nickie, I think you are making this too hard. It is simple but not easy. Especially in the beginning. In my 12 step program we call this a paralysis of analysis. You keep trying to figure it all out when the only thing required right now (if that is what you REALLY want) is 5-1 and water. But you have to make the decision.

[hulagirlfromhawaii]

Hey Nikki! I've been reading your posts and wanted to thank you for your honesty in pouring out your heart here on your journal. That's the great thing about this place is that there are people here that can relate to what you are going through.

You remind me so much of myself and where I was last year. Reading your journal made me reflect on my own relationship with food, and how I was able to overcome it. The struggle to let go was probably the hardest part of it all. It was like ending a really bad, co-dependant relationship. You love him, and don't want to leave him..... but in your heart you know that if you stay you won't truly be happy because he's holding you back from true love and happiness. And every time you think your ready to walk out, he calls back to you to stay just a little longer. Next thing you know you are in the same rut, still unhappy.

I've mentioned this several times on this forum, but it was Serendipity's words that inspired to break free. "You have to make up your mind to do it,and committ to it." That made all the difference in the world. Never mind all of the good times and bad times. Stop reflecting on it and just do it. Run, run away... Run to your MF plan and hang on tight. Run here to the forum.... I promise we'll be here to pull you up when you need it.

MF saved me. And I will forever grateful, because I would be in the exact same spot if I continued to teeter between my comfort food and MF. Jump in.... all the way in... and start to believe you can !

[dede4wd]

a paralysis of analysis. You keep trying to figure it all out when the only thing required right now (if that is what you REALLY want) is 5-1 and water. But you have to make the decision

I did this a bit this time. I was scared of succes, scared of failure, scared of winning, scared of losing. Last time it was so easy..5+1 and fluids and some walking. I am just getting into the mindset this time as my plateau is ending. It's a decision. I'm just going to do it. When you get to that place, you'll know it!

We're here for you!

DeDe

[nickieluv]

Thanks Biki, Kanani, and Dede. You all put it very well, in your own way.

I am paralyzed by the sheer amount of information I'm getting from other sources - this is typical of me. I don't like to do anything without having all the information and really doing my research. Seems like at this point I'm sort of counting on being overwhelmed to make my decisions for me, so I don't really have to decide on anything at all and just keep reading contradicting sources to make me feel better on any given day.

'Teeter' is a fabulous word, too. I am trying to balance my MF mornings and afternoons with KFC nights and weekends. How confused my body must be - ooh, good nutrition - oh no, poison! - ohh, now more vitamins - ack! poison!

And you could say I'm like food's battered wife. I think I'm convinced that life can't possibly be any good without food. Like that's all there is for me to enjoy, my one shot at a happy life is to eat. I don't want to say goodbye. I got by for a while telling myself that it was only temporary, but I could only fool myself for so long and I KNOW that my relationship with food has to change permanently or I will never maintain any weight loss I might have.

I don't really want to be where I am, but I don't know what I'm getting in to. I've never had a life that wasn't ruled by food, either eating too much or starving myself. Those are the only two ways of eating I know. It's not just going on a diet - it's changing my entire life. Really. I feel that I need supports in place to help me when the food isn't there for me. Like I think I'll just fall off the face of the earth without it.

And here I go again, thinking so much, analyzing, weighing every option but not really DOING anything all the way. I'm not keeping all my old habits, but I'm not completely going over to new ones, either.

Is there like a Medifast rehab program that I can enroll in? Or MF boot camp? Throw my sorry butt in MF jail or something. Mike and Diana, can I come live with you and you can lock me in a closet and only feed me MF meals for six months?

I'm kidding, sort of. I need to be adult enough and strong enough to put limits on myself instead of needing someone to do it for me. I can only say that throughout my tirades here, I do believe in the program. And I know I can change my life using it as a tool. So it's like Biki says (and keeps saying with infinite patience, I might add) - I just have to DO IT. Now why is that so hard?

[dede4wd]

Yeah, we could lock you up at Brian and Joelie's house for boot camp too! You'd be in BIG TROUBLE! JUST KIDDING!

I know it's scary, it's a life change. But it really is one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Yes, there is BIG PICTURE, but if I confuse myself and over-analyze everything...I throw my hands up and do nothing...

I'm working on today...I'm working on this three-hour period. I'm working on this minute. I can control the small increments. I can't control the world.

Stick with it, you'll get there! I KNOW if we can get a week of compliance under your belt, the losses just might motivate you to continue! I'm at the point where there is NOTHING worth slowing down this train (even with my recent plateau). I've dodged pasta and tirimisu this week, I've dodged birthday cake this week, NOTHING is worth slowing down this MF train!

We're here if you need to talk and when you get to the point where you DECIDE, you'll say to yourself, "that's it, I can fix this, this is important, I AM important, my health is important." You'll know it! Sorry if I'm babbling!

DeDe

[Karli]

Nickie, as the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change, you will change.

[nickieluv]

See, I don't know if I'm at that level of pain Karli's talking about. It feels like a loop - if I feel awful, I don't think I'm worthy of change - in order to make a change, I have to feel like I'm worth it. I took this past week of feeling full emotionally and I think figured that if I was happy, I didn't need to change. But in order to change, I have to be emotionally fulfilled so I can resist the food.

I ordered enough Chinese food last night for six people - and only ate some of two items. My fridge is now full of the stuff. This morning I haven't even started teaching yet and I've had 36 ounces of water. I can't get enough of it. Obviously I dried myself out last night. Maybe in more ways than one, if we're comparing food addiction to alcohol. Hopefully.

I told my husband this morning that I felt different and that today I think I can really stay on plan all day. I'm realizing that I need to - ooh, my class is EARLY - bye!

[bikipatra]

If you are choosing to compare it to alcohol, then from personal experience I can tell you that you have to be willing to go to any lengths to lift the obsession because you realize it is killing you. Any lengths means just that-no special conditions, no if ands or buts, hunger, uncomfortable feelings, cravings, throwing away the Chinese food-ANYTHING. You have to be honest, open-minded and willing. You seem to have the honesty down. Not the rest. If you were an alcoholic I would tell you that you are wasting your time. As a Medifaster, maybe you need to keep trying, I don't have as much experience there.

[Serendipity]

No, Biki, I think it's the same with MF....if you aren't there in your mind, you are wasting your time, IMESHO.

Side note to you Nickie: Be careful. I don't know if you're in a public school or not, but here we just had a teacher suspended for using email for personal reasons. Yikes!

[nickieluv]

Whoosh, Biki, that was harsh! But I know you know what you're talking about. I am kind of treading water on this subject, I know. It's hard to make that leap and right now I'm just 'playing around' with MF and not taking it seriously. I want to want it, but I'm not there.

I am going to keep trying to get there, though. It's odd that usually I'm really hard on myself and on this subject, with MF, I'm being very forgiving. Perhaps whiny, even.

But I have noticed that in the last few weeks I have not been performing well at work. I have this big project hanging over my head and I promised it would be done two weeks ago - I haven't even started. I have an observation next week and I can't get going on my lesson plan for that, either, and I wanted that done last Friday - haven't even started. I'm in general feeling very lazy - not keeping up with housework, either, just wanting to sleep all the time - so I'm treading water everywhere at this point. My Charlie Brown-esque wishy-washiness is fouling up lots of things and soon I'm going to get called on it. So I'm having a problem taking control anywhere, and that has to stop, and it might as well stop with the food.

I can't bring myself to throw away good food but I'm going to try to give it away to my sister and in the meantime I am not as weak as I'm letting myself get away with. It starts today - I will commit. I will not teeter totter anymore. This is important and it is what I need to do.

[bikipatra]

I really hope you can. Don't give up just be honest about where you really are.

[Karli]

See, I don't know if I'm at that level of pain Karli's talking about.

Just what kind of pain are you waiting for ? More intense feelings of all of the stuff you have already talked about here and apparently already experience on a daily basis ? And now, besides that, you even have been given a little bit of salt in the wounds, too .

I think you've already got it , you do not need, nor want, rock-bottom, dear, just to figure out what you want and who you are -- you actually already know these things. So don't be fooled into inviting that experience just to give you more motivation toward living and clarifying what you already know. Live a different kind of extreme, you honestly deserve it .

[nickieluv]

Well, I just caught up on reading - I've still been very unmotivated lately, haven't cleaned out my e-mail inbox in about 2 weeks, and that's actually a good indicator of my state of mind. If you can scroll through my list of e-mails instead of just seeing them all on one page, then you know I'm getting behind and not being clear in my life. So I've been on for almost 2 hours and I STILL am not done in there, although I'm almost done on here for now. I did, however, get started finally on my work projects, and I have to go in early Monday to finish up one of them but that is a load off my mind, to have them both more than halfway done. It went really quickly and easily once I just made up my mind to start (hmmm, parallel lesson there maybe?).

Every blessed person has been sick - first me, then my mom, then my sister, then my husband, now my daughter, oh and I did I mention my niece and nephew as well? Crazy. It will be so nice to have people healthy again. My poor daughter has had about 6 colds so far this year and the doctor says that's completely normal and there's nothing we can do - and being a teacher I bring home everything and she'll probably get 6 more before the year is over. But she stays in a good mood and that's good - you wouldn't know she's sick except for the runny nose and the cough at night - she's eating and acting normally.

I will never do this program or any other if I let myself get away with all the excuses. I am kidding myself - there will never be a day when I will wake up and all my cravings and emotional junk will magically be gone and I can be in control of my food effortlessly. However, I do think that if I could get some compliance 'under my belt' that it would be easier than it is now.

So I am joining the compliance challenge on Monday - 14 days. I don't know how much I will post - I will base it on my need for support/venting and if necessary I will use it to confess my 'badness' before it even happens, rather than giving in to it. I am trying to decide if this is a good place for me to be at the moment, because as I read other posts and journals I feel like I'm letting people down, and that could be good or bad depending on whether I let myself feel guilty and get down in the dumps, or if I use it as motivation. It would feel really nice to say I was compliant for 2 weeks when this challenge is over. And then just keep going.

I need to order more variety - I had good intentions only getting shakes but it's hard to face them now. So these will be a tough 2 weeks in that respect, because I can't order again for at least one week, and it may even be 3 weeks based on our bill situation. But I think if I can show my husband I'm serious about this now, he may let me order sooner.

Speaking of, he's been waiting for the computer for the last 90 minutes so I have to go. I am taking this weekend to rest and reflect and do some journaling, so I will be fresh for Monday and my new adventure.

[bikipatra]

Best of luck on Monday, Nickie. If you really want it, you can do it,