The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[dede4wd]

I LOVE that Karli, thanks!

DeDe

[DogMa]

Very nice. I don't think there's any point to comparing who has more issues or who's struggled more. Everyone struggles in their own way, and everyone's struggles are just as valid as anyone else's.

[Serendipity]

...if I really try and then I fail, I'll be devastated.

Nickie,

I wasted 15 years with that kind of thinking. I hope you can realize that you need to just do it.

Did you know? Hunger pains don't really hurt. Rumblings don't hurt. You can get through it if you want to.

[Mike]

Nickie,
We all struggle. Its all about pushing through, kinda what the Teddy R said that Karli posted. You can do this. It all comes down to the main question that Dr. Anderson will ask you if you ask him.
"What do you want?"

Of course, we are all here for you. Speaking of..... did you get the order info I sent?

[bikipatra]

Very nice. I don't think there's any point to comparing who has more issues or who's struggled more. Everyone struggles in their own way, and everyone's struggles are just as valid as anyone else's.

Sorry of it seemed that I was trying to win an "issues" contest-that was not my intention. I was just trying to point out that we all have them and they all seem very vital and are stumbling blocks on a daily basis to us all. We all have them.

[dede4wd]

Just checking in to see how you're doing today...

DeDe

[Lucy]

Nicki,

I have one person who like you and I struggle....man some of the mental pictures about what I want to eat are practically orgasmic...the roll butter thing last night. I was so pissed I wanted one so bad...anyhow my struggle buddy and I Pm each other all darn day, I live on laptop as much as possible , just to keep myself otherwise occupied. Try the shakes in the day and the bar/soup/oatmeal at night, have a jello, have a crystal light slurpee...feed the night snacker, just feed it medifast, and lean on someone who is there...pm me if you like....

struggle makes us strong...

[nickieluv]

Sorry I've been gone. Today is my 3rd day out of work sick. I haven't taken time to read much other than my pm's and my journal, as I'm still not up to sitting here for the few hours it would take to do that.

I haven't picked up the Dr. Phil book lately, but I have been ripping through another book about food addiction. I don't relate with all of it, and I didn't realize when I got it that it was a diet book, too, with an eating plan, so I skipped all that stuff. But other things in it are speaking to me, mostly about my attitude and my self-esteem.

I came on today to write something down for myself, about missing work. Yesterday I was not able to get a sub, and so the school had to move some people around to get me covered. My principal told me I needed to call in earlier so this wouldn't happen. The thing is, I called in yesterday at the same time as the day before - and today I called in 10 minutes later - and today and the first day I got a sub. So I don't really think it had anything to do with when I called - some people just won't take a music job because they don't feel comfortable with it.

So I told my principal that I was sorry that happened but I didn't understand why. Then I had an e-mail that was sent school-wide about my missing sub, saying that they had to pull the person in the discipline room to cover for me, so another teacher had to cancel her classes to cover for her. And three times I started a reply to that teacher to say I was sorry. But I never sent it - it never sounded right and I kept cancelling it.

I realize that I don't need to feel guilty. I did everything I was supposed to do. If I am sick, I need to stay home, and that is that. I have detailed sub plans on file and I reported in almost 2 hours before the job starts. By sending an apology to that woman, it would have seemed like I thought I did something wrong. Just because people are inconvenienced - I can feel bad that it happened, but I don't have to be sorry because it wasn't my fault.

While I'm here I want to say that I appreciate everyone's support. I know that I can make excuse after excuse and it's only hurting me. But I can only move forward at my own pace. I AM moving forward, though. I am doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and while at times that puts me at a standstill, I'm still learning things that are important. I have been offplan completely for the last three days, but I'm not eating much anyway given how I'm feeling and I have had 96 ounces of water or more every day. I know that if I chose to, I could have remained completely on-plan even though I was sick. I chose not to. I am choosing not to be compliant - for some reason I am not ready. But I will be, yes, Biki is right, when I choose to be compliant I will do it. I don't harbor any illusions about this being the fault of MF or my illness or anything else. I am in control.

That's the thing I don't like about the food addiction book I'm reading. I can't accept that I'm fat through no fault of my own. That's what it keeps saying - I didn't KNOW I was addicted, so I can't be blamed for what I did, and now that I know I can change it. But that seems to me to be a cop out. They go on in the book to talk about how food addicts don't want to accept responsibility - aren't they providing that escape by saying it's not your fault you're fat? I mean, I ate the food. I knew it was unhealthy. Perhaps I'm in denial, like the book keeps saying too, but whatever, I am taking some things from the book and -

OK, I need to get going. It's almost nap time and we have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I was already on longer than I meant to be. Anyway, I'm still around, I'm still working on me, and I've decided not to focus on how I'm NOT being compliant, but instead focus on getting myself ready to BE compliant. And I think one day I will just be ready. I am doing the mental work to lay a foundation, and I'm admitting a lot of things to myself, and eventually I will be ready. In the meantime, if I'm only on MF until 4 every day, so be it. I am laying groundwork there, too, and setting up new habits. If I keep focusing on what I'm not doing, I am only going to beat myself up more. I am on a journey, and it may be one hell of a scenic route, but I'll get there.

[bikipatra]

Nickie, sorry you have been sick. Sound like you are working on willing to be willing. That's just where you are right now and I admire your honesty about that. I know you can make it. You keep trying. That is good. That is a starting point.

[nickieluv]

I love this place, you know?

I've been reading for 90 minutes, catching up. I am hearing things I need to hear. Compliance is the key. There is no earthly reason why I have to eat crap all day every day just because I'm 'working on me.' That's as much of a cop-out as everything else I've been saying.

I'm not saying that it's unimportant, what I'm doing and learning. But I'm using the mental work as an excuse not to work on my health. I got sick because I was off-plan. I know it. I have held off this thing since Christmas, which is when I started MF, and I finally lost it after a few days of - not binging, which I now realize means eating too much of anything even if it's 17 MF shakes which are good for you - but eating off plan and having mostly things with sugar. Sugar and dairy always get me sick. So I made myself sick. And then used that as a reason to keep eating what I love.

Yes, I love it. I love food. Food is my real spouse, friend, everything. That's sad.

I have had such a calm feeling lately, though. My husband stayed home all the days I did, once for a meeting, once to help me out, once because he got sick himself. The end result is we've had five straight days together, and not one fight. A lot of cuddling, talking, just being close and loving each other. It's been fantastic. It let me realize how much I've missed him, and how I've been creating fights and erecting walls between us to seal off the hurt when he's not here. Convincing myself I can't stand him so when he's gone, it's not so bad. But loving him, needing him, is what I have to feel. FEELING things is LIFE. We are emotional beings. We FEEL. It's important. I turn off everything, good feelings too, just to avoid the bad. It's OK to hurt. It's OK to be lonely. Everyone feels these things and it's normal. If you are hurting, at least you know you're living.

If I can be sad, I can be happy. I have the ability inside me. I can be who I want to be, who I used to be, thin or fat. I can be a loving wife and mother, I can be a great teacher, I can exercise, I CAN HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT IN LIFE if I am willing to LIVE IT and EXPERIENCE IT and NOT BE AFRAID OF IT!!!!!!!

Oh, this is going to take a long time. But I have the power. I am in control. With God's help I can be ME again, I can stop hiding, I don't have to be afraid, people love me, people like me, I am good, I am worthy of love, I can have friends, I can make mistakes and it's OK.

It's like jumping off a cliff here. I have been so controlling of every little thing (even to the point of needing the volume on the TV to be an even number - or divisible by 5 is OK, too) because I have been afraid of the real world. It's just other people out there, people who are not perfect, either, people who are afraid of things like I am, but go out and live anyway, and have fun, and take chances. Unless something is literally going to kill me, what's the big deal?

So, I am going to start doing things. Going out. Even if I have to wear a sack or it's fashion equivalent. I am going to let my husband introduce me to people he works with because IT DOESN'T MATTER if they like me or not, are disgusted by my body or not. My husband loves me and my daughter loves me and my family loves me and I can love me, too, and God loves me, and that's all I need.

And all that love will give me the strength to face scary changes in my life with confidence - like losing weight. Like changing careers if that's what I decide I want and need. Like saying 'no' to overspending because I have what I need and what is most important.

I have had so many disappointments - even as I finish up here I am scared of what I wrote, that it will disappear in a few moments, that I will not have the strength to keep believing it. But something feels different, I think. I want to hold onto it. I want to wake up everyday feeling like this. I want to turn off the negative parts of me that want to push me down already, take away the good thoughts I'm trying to build up.

And I think the more I write the more those negative aspects might come out, so I'm going to go lie next to my husband on the couch and soak up some love and affection and hold on to this good feeling.

[bikipatra]

Nickie, per your request, you as Meg Ryan. Love the hair on you! I would still like a picture of you NOT in glasses and actually smiling for the full effect! You are adorable!

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Biki. I'm going to scrounge up a skinny glasses-free pic for you this week. Yes, they do exist! It's just that when they were taken, I still thought I was fat.... Do I PM it to you? Can I attach things to PMs?

[DogMa]

Nickie, I'm so glad to hear you sounding so positive. Yes, you CAN do this. And if you have slips along the way, that doesn't make you a failure. It makes you human. Which makes you even MORE likable and lovable.

Enjoy spending time with your husband, and maybe one day when you're feeling strong, you might even want to show him some of what you wrote (or tell him about it), so he knows what you're feeling.

[bikipatra]

Thanks, Biki. I'm going to scrounge up a skinny glasses-free pic for you this week. Yes, they do exist! It's just that when they were taken, I still thought I was fat.... Do I PM it to you? Can I attach things to PMs?

Upload the picture at Photobucket and send me the link.

[dede4wd]

Nickie,

I just wanted to tell you how wonderful and inspirational your above post from Sunday was. Thank you!

DeDe