The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Another I think non-coincidence with my mood today - I got a lot more rest last night than usual. I went to bed early, although I read a book instead of going to sleep right away, and then my daughters both cooperated and I was able to sleep until almost 8:30 this morning.

I thought I was maybe just making excuses in my mind as to why I couldn't do this, but I believe now I was being too hard on myself. MF takes discipline and it's hard to muster the mental fortitude to resist temptation when you are tired and stressed. I feel wonderful today and I've had two supplements and one liter of water (I'm counting the infuser stuff as part of my water) and I even fed my daughter lunch without the slightest desire to take a taste.

So, I'm going to keep myself in control and get to bed early again tonight. I can't count on being able to sleep in every day, but I can control when I go to bed. This feeling is worth losing a bit of evening alone time in my book.

[DogMa]

Getting adequate sleep is important for weight loss anyway, so it sounds like a good idea.

[katesmom]

I love sleep ! Good for you Nickie ! Rest ...It's good for the soul !

[nickieluv]

So, not a good Wednesday, a little bit better Thursday - I'm going all liquid for the next three days. Well, all packets, anyway. I had my L&G Tuesday and something in it set me off, so I'm just playing it safe for a few days - get myself over the hump, as it were.

Speaking of, it's finally been an hour since I took my thyroid meds (I forgot to take them - usually I do it on one of the baby's night feedings so that by the time I wake up for the day I can eat soon after getting up, like you're supposed to). So I'm going to go have my cocoa. Or, actually, probably the Chai, since it's Momentum and seems to perk me up in the mornings when I have it.

Oh, had an ENTIRE 2-liter of cherry coke zero all by myself on Wednesday, and was up ALL NIGHT literally. I keep forgetting that caffeine wires me, since I'm not used to it. My husband had to take Thursday off of work so I could sleep , although I did tell him I could probably make it through the day but I'd just have to go to bed as soon as he got home. He didn't like that idea so he opted to stay home. But it burned up his last vacation day for the year so I just feel like an idiot. Only buying caffeine-free sodas from now on, if I buy any at all!

[nickieluv]

I was just doing some random surfing and I read something that sparked an idea....

I have a rewards chart, but I use it to reward myself for every 5 pounds lost. Well, that can happen whether I stick to the plan or not, really - I could exercise, I could watch my calories - sure, I never do those things, but you get the idea.

What if my rewards were for a certain number of days on plan? My point is that pounds lost is very disconnected in my mind with following the plan. I could lose five pounds in 10 days or in 10 months, depending on what I do. But days on plan is immediate. I know that if I eat that cookie, I don't get my reward and I have to start all over again.

I'll have to think about this. I'm considering static rewards for every 10 days on plan, up to 100, then starting over. So if I make it to 50 and then blow it, I have to start all over again. But that's just popped into my head because they are nice round numbers. It could take me a while to get 10 days under my belt. And to be motivating, they'd have to be rewards I really want and am looking forward to. I think I should make a 3-day reward, something little and easy that I get every three days on plan, not tied to the larger rewards for getting more and more consecutive days under my belt.

Of course none of the rewards can be monetary and you can only handle so many backrubs before they get boring. I wonder if my husband would go for a night off every three days? My choice - sleep in (if it's a Saturday), go to bed early, sleep straight through and he gets the baby, have an afternoon to myself - hmmm, this could be a much better idea than a pounds lost reward....

[nickieluv]

Well, I just spent a happy hour making new charts. I'm so - I don't know what the word would be, but I love making organizational things like charts and lists and graphs - I go a little nuts.

Anyway - I'm liking this idea. It's a lot easier than my 100-day chart, which tracks water, supplements, snacks, and exercise and really just is too much work. The new one just has me fill in a little box on a calendar for every day I'm on plan (which for sanity's sake will not include water consumption, although I will try to still get in my 3 liters a day). When I was tracking compliance before the calendar was really a helpful visual for me. Then at the end of each week I track my weight. This is also cool because at a glance I can see what happens on compliant weeks and what happens on weeks I'm only 'good' maybe one or two days. Then I can really connect what I do with what happens on the scale.

I like the new rewards chart, too - it's blank, except for every 3 consecutive days I'm on plan I get my little reward. Then starting at 10, and every ten days from there, is a blank where I can fill in what I'm trying to earn - that way I can be sure it's something I want, and not something I picked months earlier that no longer means anything to me. When I hit 100 days, I start over again and try to get to another 100 days.

Here's the boo-hiss part - this new thing doesn't start until Sunday (I'll be weighing in on Sundays now, too) so that means I have to decide if I want to be on plan tomorrow or not (yeah, totally not on plan today).

I've never tried to reward myself for time before - it feels like the right thing to do. Takes the focus off pounds and puts it on progress.

Well, hopefully that was time well-spent. It was entertaining at least so it was worth it in that respect. I know what I need to do, I just have to sort of trick myself into it for a while to get started. This might work!

[jayzoe]

wow this sounds like a GREAT idea! I should do something like that too... I also need a little something for when I go off plan to put me back ON plan for the rest of the day, I'm one of these "If I'm not on plan the whole day, I'll be incredibly oFF Plan for whole day" and I end up in a binging fit and wake up the next day with a food hangover I usually have no problem starting over the next day but the damage I can do in one binge filled day is astounding

ANYWAY, I think this sounds like a marvelous idea, especially the sleep part

[nickieluv]

Ooooh, that's a sneaky one. Getting back on plan once you get off. I find it's best not to get off plan in the first place. That's what I'm hoping this will do for me, because with sleep on the line maybe I'll be a good girl and eat all my healthy foods.... Sad, I know, that I have to be rewarded for good behavior in order to do it. Just trust me when I say it's not like that in every aspect of my life.

[SharonR]

haha, it's kinda funny because we do these sorts of things for our kids, so why reward OURSELVES for good behavior! It makes total sense to me! Oh and btw, does your hubby know about this? hehe

[nickieluv]

Well, he doesn't always know the details when I'm in the planning stages, but I'm always sure to check with him before I pick my rewards. And with the sleep one, I let him know that there were several options (a nap or a few hours alone instead of him taking the baby all night long) and if he felt one of them wasn't going to work for him on a particular day, he was free to pick another one.

I am not doing well today. I am spending money we don't have. I mean, we sort of have it, because it's credit, but you know you have to pay the bill sooner or later. I get in these kinds of moods where I just want to buy buy buy, whether I can afford it or not. And right now, we decidedly cannot. But I talk myself into it by saying it's something we really need. I can't quite figure out why we really needed me to have some new clothes and jewelry, though. Have to work on a reason for that one, because it's not like I'm working to have a place to wear these things....

Also, when you spread it out you can't really remember how much you've spent. So I was about to say I hadn't spent that much, but I don't really know. It was at about 370 at last count, although some of that was things for my husband that he asked for - but I am going to have to pay the piper in a week or so when all this stuff starts arriving. Last time I got away with it because the mail comes before my husband gets home, and I hid the stuff I bought, and I was the only one paying the bills so I was able to hide the spending really well. I swore up and down to him that I wouldn't do that this time, but it seems to be a bit of a compulsion when I get like this. And then I'll go months, or even years, without spending a dime. In fact, the last time was when I was on maternity leave.

There must be something about staying home with the kids that gets to me and makes me want to spend money. Maybe it's living check to check and missing the lifestyle we had when I was working - and then feeling guilty for missing *things* when I have the best gift every day just being able to watch my kids grow. But then, I feel guilty every time I lose my patience or think to myself 'I'd rather be working.' I keep telling myself I wish I could just quit my job and stay home until the kids are both in school - but do I really want that? I think I'm worried that staying home is a mistake, that I can't handle two kids at once, that I'm just not really a good mom at all and they'd be better off in daycare.

Gee, and why can't I just stick to MF at a time like this? Seriously, though, that should give me some anchoring, some stability, when everything else is in upheaval. But that's exactly when I reach for food.

I'm not going back to work, I'm being too hard on myself, I've only been out of the hospital for 26 days and I can't expect to be perfect. But I do. You know I do. Perfect mom, perfect homemaker, perfect dieter. I figure if I'm not working I should be able to do everything else under the sun. And yet I still am not getting things done - and the time I do have, I've wasted all this week. Which leads me to feel even worse about myself and the cycle goes on and on.

Sorry for getting so - depressing, I guess. It's my journal though so I guess I can talk about anything. In the end, every blessed thing I bought can go back. Well, not the eBay stuff, but I could turn around and relist it. I won't though, because that's a pain. But the catalog stuff is easy, just bag it up and tape the enclosed return label on and leave it on the porch for UPS. Ends up costing me 7 bucks but that's better than the current running total.

They are all symptoms - the spending, the eating, staying up late. I know they are. I'm upset about something, or lots of things, who knows. And I'm trying to avoid the things I'm upset about by distracting myself with vices. I need to figure out how to just be me, and not worry about being perfect all the time.

Well, baby is stirring so I'm off to change a diaper and mix some formula and then get us both to la-la-land upstairs.

[SharonR]

I can relate to a lot of what you just posted about. I basically became a SAHM this last year after having my son. I work one day a week, so I consider that a SAHM. It's a huge change for me and one I am not find a ton of joy in which makes me feel all the more guilty! ( I do love my kids, don't get me wrong) I like to buy more clothes for my kids and spend money, than ever, because I am home. I never went shopping before, hated it. Ask my husband. Now I love it! And I don't the money to spend! It's frustrating!

My husband did tell me that I gave up food for another addiction. GYMBOREE! LOL ughh...I am getting much better at these past few weeks. I took up walking which gets me out of the house, I take the kids to the park more, I just try to not even go on ebay as hard as that is. I don't goooo looking for stuff, cause that is what gets me in trouble.

Hang in there, you are still going through a lot I am sure as your baby is still so young. I was not ready for any change in diet till my kids were both turning one, emotionally I just couldn't find it in myself. I admire you for trying to early. Just be kind to yourself.

[jayzoe]

yup yup yup, sounds like me! if I'm not obsessively eating I'm obsessively shopping, usually online... my biggest hangup is bath and body items, I got into BPAL a little over a year ago (it's an online perfume oil company) which led me into the wonderful world of etailers and I've spent more money than I know what to do with! My closet is full of lotions, bath stuff, perfume, etc that I'm slowly working thru and I'm working thru my spending obsession at the same time as my food obsession, it's tons of fun

anyway, I understand where you're coming from *hug*

[nickieluv]

Wow, thank you Sharon and Jay! I had no idea, really - you always think you're alone in your madness, you know? I feel better somehow knowing that it's not unusual to have these jags. I have to say that I really loved being home the first time - but, I had left a job that I hated. Now I've left a job that I really enjoy. I didn't quit or anything, just taking a leave of absence, but I feel like I am cheating this baby. First the breastfeeding didn't work out like I'd hoped, and now I find I'm not as eager to be home as I was with my first child. People told me kids are all different, but in spite of that I expected my life to be a carbon copy of the first time around. I guess I'm dealing with guilt and disappointment that it's all so different. The pregnancies were polar opposites, the deliveries too, I shouldn't have been surprised that nothing is happening the same as it did last time. I'm having a hard time believing that different can be just as good, since my first daughter has been so healthy and intelligent and happy, and I'm afraid that to change any part of the 'recipe' will make my second daughter turn out badly.

Whatever you do, nobody tell my husband that I'm not thrilled to death to be home. Because the instant he hears that, he'll tell me to just go back to work - and I don't want to be pushed into that route, either. I think it's too soon, really, to know what I want. I have to give myself and the girls time to adjust to a new lifestyle and a new routine. If I'm still feeling this way by Christmas, I'll think about going back to work. But I would never forgive myself if I threw in the towel now, all post-partum-ish, and lost this time with my baby that I can never get back.

Thanks for reading and sharing your experiences. I do feel better. And in the light of day, the money I've spent isn't so bad. I have to do a tally and see what the damage is, and then work up the courage to tell my husband about it. He will not be happy. In fact, it will be a huge fight I bet. *Sigh* It's my own fault, I have to deal with the consequences. Can I tell you that I'm still in my own head trying to find a way to justify not telling him? Not looking forward to it - maybe I'll wait and tell him as things arrive....

[Michelle in NJ]

Hi nickieluv,

First of all, thank you for your informative and inspirational posts. I just joined after 2 weeks or so of lurking and it's great to read your insightful and positive commentary.

About the spending--I'm a recovering compulsive spender as well as compulsive overeater, and one thing I'm noticing is that I'm feeling that old pull to go out and shop again. I am a thrift store and garage sale freak, and I often buy stuff I don't need b/c I tell myself how cheap it is. I have so many clothes (most are too small!) that my closet pole is permanently bent and is about to break. I find myself feeling lost without a snack by my side, whether it be surfing on the net, reading, or doing just about ANYTHING, really. So I go out and shop to try to fill that need. NOT a good thing. If I start compulsively spending again I'll really be in trouble.

So....if I can offer any support at all, it's just a gentle reminder to maybe ask yourself if you are shopping because you NEED something, or NEED a well-deserved time for yourself, or is the "NEED" coming from a substitute for eating? Just a thought.

I see no harm in shopping, or even spending, as long as it doesn't get out of control. My two cents.

Take care,

Michelle in NJ

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Michelle. "Out of control" is a relative thing for me. When I was working, spending a few hundred dollars would not be such a big deal. Now, spending even five dollars can be seen as out of control because we just don't have it to spend.

It does come and go for me, though. I believe I've worked it out of my system for the time being, and when/if the urge comes on me again I believe I'll be in a better place to fight it.

As for needing the stuff - well, some of it is just out and out crap I don't need. But some things we did need, but they could have waited, and I justified it by saying we needed them. It escalated, too. For a few days I was just browsing online. But then that wasn't enough, and I actually started buying things. So there are warning signs that I can heed if I'm paying attention and am willing to stop the behavior before it starts.

Sharon mentioned in an NSV post that she was feeling thin, and I told her that was a state of mind. Funny, because I am feeling thin today, too - but I'm up three pounds. For me, it's because I dressed up for church and re-started my plan today - both things that fall under the 'taking care of myself' category. They make me feel strong and in control and those things I equate with being thin. For example - if I am thin, I am in control of my eating. If I am thin, I have a strong body. Now, none of those things have to be true - the thin me can be an out-of-control mess and completely out of shape, just like the fat me. But it's hard to shake the feeling that if I were thin, all my problems would be solved. I think the real thing is, if I value myself and make positive steps, all my problems can be solved because I have the power to do anything if I commit to it and trust in God to support me along the way (as long as I'm really working - I don't believe God will answer prayers like "let me wake up thin tomorrow," but He will answer "help me be strong" kinds of prayers. Probably very egotistical of me to think I know what God will or won't do, huh?).

So, anyway, 'big thoughts for the day' aside, I'm two supplements into the day and feeling like I can do this now. And I know each day it gets easier. So here I go, off into the world to finish my day, and I wish you all a great Sunday as well.