The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

Stick with the exercise, Nickie. It just might help you with the compliance, too. Seeing yourself progress and get stronger/faster/whatever can really motivate you to make other changes, too. And it becomes its own addiction: You want to get even stronger and faster.

Just don't overdo it. I think you're right to stick to the shorter tape and just do it once a day for now. I wouldn't change a thing for at least a week and probably two.

[nickieluv]

I needed to read that tonight, thanks, Robin. I was already thinking I'd wake up extra early and do the 2-mile tomorrow - even though I was sweating from the 1-mile today. I can only imagine that if I pushed it and couldn't make it through the whole thing, I'd just give up entirely.

I feel good about the exercise. I do think it will lead to me making better choices. I'm still going to work on the external motivators, too - but I'm glad I'm adding movement to my day.

I remember the one time I seriously worked out - every day, for 3 months. It was long enough to feel a real difference, but because I saw no changes (I was still eating terribly) I gave up, yet again. And at the time I weighed less than I do now by 10-20 pounds. So I know that without proper eating, I can exercise all day every day and I won't look any different - but I'll feel differently.

I can't quite describe the feeling I had - still have - knowing that I started my day by doing something healthy. And I'm actually looking forward to doing it again tomorrow. And to stepping it up, and maybe, eventually, getting back into the Pilates and cardio dance. I think I might like exercising, now that I'm not so big as I was.

So, the day tomorrow:

6:50 - 1-mile DVD
7:30 - RTD
10:45 - bar
1-ish - RTD
3:50 - beef stew or oatmeal
6:00 - broccoli and shrimp or salmon
8:00 - soup or hot cocoa

I'm going to set the shrimp out to thaw so there's no prep work tomorrow, and hopefully that will help me follow through. I'm headed upstairs to try on clothes. If there are some things that are passable, I might add them to the 'wear now' closet. I wore those 18s tight with long sweaters for a while, and now they are just fitting (they were big, but all that bloat from TOM and bad eating makes them just right). Maybe having clothes that don't quite fit will motivate me, too. If your pants are too tight, you don't want to shove a bunch of food in your mouth!

[bikipatra]

Nicks, so glad you have caught the exercise craze sweeping the board!

[nickieluv]

Yes, positive peer pressure at its best!!

Did the DVD and had an RTD - so far my plan for today is working. Although the RTD was 30 minutes early - I woke up really hungry today. That almost never happens, compliant or not.

[DogMa]

Good for you on the positive start to the day, Nickie!!

BTW, as for the exercise not changing your body and only changing your mind ... it actually WILL change your body some, too. You just won't necessarily see it under the excess weight. But when the weight is gone, what's left will be tighter and more toned-looking than it would have been otherwise.

Here's to a good, strong, HEALTHY day!

[bikipatra]

. You just won't necessarily see it under the excess weight. But when the weight is gone, what's left will be tighter and more toned-looking than it would have been otherwise.

!

That is so true. I can already feel my tighter butt muscles from my stair climbing.

[DogMa]

You do a lot of stairs, too, so I bet it'll be awesome when you're done.

And Nickie, how'd you do tonight? I hope things are going well.

[nickieluv]

Oh, I exercised and was great all day at work - then went out of control with the eating again. It's like a compulsion now, to eat. I think about it a lot and end up shoveling all night long. It's gross. I don't purge but I feel so sick anyway I wonder if it's going to stay down on its own or not.

Again, I know I just have to muscle through a few days of compliance and then it won't be such a monumental struggle. Tomorrow and Thursday I will not have any free time to gorge myself, so I am planning to go 6/0 (which I think I'll have to do every Wednesday, anyway, because I teach piano lessons from 4-7:30 and will only have time to chug a shake in there) tomorrow and possibly the same Thursday, or I might have a L&G. I think it just might be best to have RTDs all day long for a bit (except my one bar) and steer clear of anything resembling real food to break this cycle.

I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and felt enormous and lazy. It sounded like the finale is in December, so I'm going to do my own personal Biggest Loser challenge - weighing in on both Sundays and Tuesdays, and keeping separate records. Maybe that will help with the 'I can cheat Monday and Tuesday and still have a few days to get down again' garbage.

What on earth is going to happen to me if I ever make it to goal? Will these issues have to resolve before I can get there? I really hope so. I don't want to be thin for all of ten minutes and then start piling on the pounds again. If that means I'm stuck in limbo now to work things out, I'm OK with that. But I'm not working anything out except the elasticity of my stomach lining.

Thinking too much - or not enough - which is it? Probably too much. I even had that L&G planned and thawed and now it's going to be wasted because I didn't eat the shrimp, and they won't keep another day.

I don't want to get up tomorrow and exercise. But I will. I didn't sweat as much today.

OK - next week at this time, let's all get together for a big laugh at my behavior lately. Because by then I'll have been compliant for a week and I'll see this stupidity for what it is, instead of trying to rationalize how it's good for me somehow. God, please let this be the last detour.

[DogMa]

Nickie? I'm no expert, and tell me to butt out if you want, but I don't think it's "like" a compulsion, I think it IS a compulsion. And I don't think anyone's laughing.

I know you haven't been too interested in getting help, and it doesn't sound like you've been too successful at finding good help. But please consider again looking for someone who specializes in eating disorders. You don't purge, but you definitely binge, and it seems to get out of control with some regularity.

Maybe some of other true bingers here can help?

[bikipatra]

Nickie? I'm no expert, and tell me to butt out if you want, but I don't think it's "like" a compulsion, I think it IS a compulsion. And I don't think anyone's laughing.

I know you haven't been too interested in getting help, and it doesn't sound like you've been too successful at finding good help. But please consider again looking for someone who specializes in eating disorders. You don't purge, but you definitely binge, and it seems to get out of control with some regularity.

Maybe some of other true bingers here can help?

I totally agree. Not funny at all. As a card carrying (recovering one day at a time) bulimic, even I would have eaten the stuff you listed in another post as your dinner because it would have tasted too gross coming back up. I haven't had great luck with my therapist but that doesn't mean that either one of us can't find someone who can truly help. I don't know how you feel about psychotropic medication, but antidepressants are often helpful in people with eating disorders. Do some googling and read about it. You may also find some support on line. I have done much better since my doctor started me back on my antidepressant. I may eat off plan, but it isn't a binge and I don't purge. I know you don't purge but I was just pointing out how my own behavior had improved. So Nickie let's start a new challenge. The Biki and Nickie find a good therapist challenge. Are you in?

[nickieluv]

Well, that thought scares me. I just don't know if there ARE good therapists around here. They all seem to want to get rid of me after a few sessions. My EAP and my husband's both use the same agency, and I can't afford to go off on my own. Plus I have issues being assertive with a therapist - I feel like if I say I want to see someone else, there's going to be some black mark on my record or they're going to think I'm a jerk.

I've never approached it as asking for someone with experience in eating disorders, though. I guess I could try that.

Meanwhile, I'm already having the thoughts today but I am NOT going to give in here. It's just lots of junk. I think there's merit to the idea that I'm using food to punish myself for something. Or just to keep myself safely down.

I didn't think I was resisitant to therapy but I guess I am, because I'm thinking of excuses not to call anyone. I've just not ever had a good experience. I guess next time someone tells me it's up to me if I keep coming or not, I'll say I want to keep coming.

I think it's gotten worse since losing weight, and being successful on a diet. I would eat like this every so often before, but not day after day after day. Even when I first started in January and was having trouble being compliant, I was just eating the wrong foods or skipping meals, not binging every night.

OK - I'll make the call today at 10:20. I'll ask about an eating disorder specialist. Maybe there's someone who's in on Saturdays. Or maybe they have late hours - baby spends the night with Grandma on Wednesday, so maybe that would be a good day.

What the hey - it's free, won't cost me anything but time. Might as well give it another shot.

[nickieluv]

OK, I didn't call at 10:20 but I had to work out child care issues at that break. I'm going to call at noon today. I promise.

And it is going to be so hard to stick with MF today - but I have to do it. I'm sick of that avatar photo and I can't have a new one until the 90# club. My own silly rule but it's a rule nevertheless.

I know I'm going to have cash tonight from piano lessons. But I wrote a check for work club dues this morning and I have to deposit ALL of my piano money to cover that check.

Visualizing how good it will feel tomorrow morning to wake up knowing I ate the right things today.

I didn't exercise, though. I was so tired I wanted to go to bed at 8 last night, but I stayed up to watch Biggest Loser anyway, and then spent an hour on the computer. So I was lazy and stayed in bed an extra 20 minutes today. I'm doing it tomorrow, though. I don't want to let that fall by the wayside, too. Besides, I like it.

Alright, I'll check back in with a counseling update after noon. I'm going to go find the phone number right now so I have it ready.

[nickieluv]

OK, so I didn't call about counseling. But I have two phone numbers - one for the place I've been before, and another place 30 minutes away that specializes in eating disorders. It's in the city my husband works in so maybe through his EAP we could work something out - that's why I got the number.

But I found a website and it told me what I wanted to hear - so it may not be accurate - but it says self-help can be just as effective as group or individual therapy when dealing with binge eating. I assume this is provided that it's not tied to clinical depression or deep relationship issues. And I think those things would have been recognized in previous counseling, even if we weren't talking about eating disorders. So I'm getting a book from the library to just get my toes wet here. I also found another one for my husband to read, about what to say to someone dealing with an eating disorder or body image issues. He says some things now and again that just add fuel to my fire so I'm hoping he'll read this book (which I will of course read first, because no point in telling him to talk to me in a certain way if I don't like that certain way) and try to make some changes.

It is going to be so hard to eat the right foods today. I feel this war inside of me all day long. I'm obsessed with eating poorly even when I'm not hungry. I felt so good when I was in control of my eating - I have to do this today. Even if it means going to bed at 7 and crying myself to sleep or whatever. Because I feel like crying now, because I'm so disappointed in my behavior. I feel like I'm spiraling further and further down. I have to yank myself out of this cycle.

You know - book or no book, I think I'll make that counseling call. And even though I need to abide by the freebie sessions schedule, I think it might be good to fully use my benefit, all the time. So if I get 3 visits on my EAP, and 3 on my husbands, then I have to wait a couple of months to get more free, I should go back as soon as I'm eligible. The counselor can help me with that scheduling. Even if I feel fine. It's good to talk to someone.

[DogMa]

Sounds like a plan, Nickie. The counselor might also be able to help you find a way to continue seeing someone after the EAP runs out, too, if there are free and sliding-scale services nearby and you (and they) think you need more help. I think just admitting that you HAVE an eating disorder is a huge step for you, though, and I'm proud of you for that. I think it shows just how much progress you've already made.

All that said, be patient with yourself. It's not going to all magically fix itself overnight, and intellectually you know that.

[nickieluv]

I did call and they scheduled me with the same woman I saw last time. I didn't request that, it just worked out that way. So that should be interesting. She seemed OK - and it did help talking with her - and now I have more of a focus of something to tell her instead of 'I can't lose weight.'

I may not need intensive help (and we make too much for the sliding scale thing - it doesn't account for how much debt you're in, just what you gross) but if they'll let me, when my sessions run out I can schedule another one after the 90-day renewal period. And I can use my husband's allowed visits in between, like every two-three weeks or something.

I didn't want to call but when I realized while typing how sad this was making me, I thought it wouldn't hurt to try.

And I still don't like the term 'eating disorder' because I associate it with bulimia and anorexia. But now this binge eating disorder is more mainstream and I've heard more about it, so I guess it's real. Either I've never binged in quite this way before, or I was in denial about it back then. Because it just seems different the last few days. I wasn't choosing to have a treat or two off-plan - I was just eating for the sake of eating, as much as possible and as quickly as possible. And I can't maintain any weight loss or even healthy self-esteem if I'm doing that, even if it's only once a year instead of once a day.

So, between the book and the counseling/therapy/whatever you wanna call it, maybe I can get some answers and some strategies. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's really long-lived post-partum or something. But there's no need for me to keep guessing, now I have a plan to try to figure it out.

I just hope she doesn't ask me to journal. I hate that. I know I won't do it. I hope she has other ideas. Maybe I can keep a tape-recorded journal or something.

On the eating - I'm not doing well already today. I had my two supplements together around 1, because I skipped the 11 o'clock one. When I get home I'll have something before I start teaching, and then I have a break at 5 when I can have something, and then I'll have something after I put the baby to bed. I really think it's going to be 6/0 today, though. Maybe that's not any healthier than eating too much - but I'm having trouble and this may help. Or I'll have my L&G before bed. I don't like eating 'real' food that late, but if I feel hungry I will.

I just have to DO it. I can't let myself get trapped in the thinking that leads to bingeing. Things like 'I don't have time to cook anything, I'll just skip it and try again tomorrow.' Or 'I still have candy and ice cream at home, I have to get that out of the house, I'll eat it tonight and start again tomorrow.' Or 'I'm seeing a counselor next week, until then I'll just eat whatever.'

Maybe I can pack up all the dangerous foods and take them to my mom's house. I want to eat well today. And it's so sad that I feel like I'm powerless against the food. Like no matter what I say, do, or plan, I'm just going to binge again so why bother?

I'm stronger than a stupid candy bar. I WILL pack up the foods that I shouldn't have and get them out of the house one way or another. There aren't that many, so it shouldn't be hard. I WON'T buy any more food, either at a store or ordering from a restaurant. If I have to, I will go to the bank right after my last lesson and deposit the money to keep it out of my hands. There's no reason why I can't make this happen. If I am hungry and I've already eaten, I will drink gallons of water even if that means I have to sleep on the toilet. And I will chew gum if I need to, and not worry about the 'two pieces' rule - because 5 calories of gum is better than 500 calories of ice cream.