The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

You always know just what to say to get to the heart of the matter, Biki.

What do I want?

I have all these reasons to lose more weight but it seems that since I got under 200 I have been essentially at a standstill.

Part of me wonders if calling that my goal for so long imprinted on my brain that I'm there now, no need to go farther.

I think if I keep waiting until I feel ready to be compliant, I'll never do it. It's easy to forget how you have to muscle through those first few days - even though I just went through it last week!!! And there's always another Monday coming, to start again.

Food still means something more than nourishment to me. Or something less, I guess. At times it has felt like I'm using food to punish myself, in fact.

I suppose it's time for another go-round at counseling - another two or three sessions before someone tells me I'm cured and I go on my merry way. Sorry, was that too cynical?

Well, I'm puzzling it all out. It'll happen. Maybe when I get even sicker than I currently am about gaining and losing the same five pounds every week.

I read something the other day - those who spend the present thinking about the future ending up enjoying neither. Or something like that. Maybe that should be my new motto. Set goals, but only live in the present. Not 'what will I eat at goal' but 'what will I eat today' and so on.

Well, I have a meeting to get to. Still here, still kicking - myself, as it turns out, repeatedly, without result.

[nickieluv]

I was thinking as I left work today - I feel so great at this weight. And the last time I tried to lose weight, this is what I weighed and I felt miserable. So it's all relative. What felt miserable a few years ago feels like a great accomplishment now - because of where I've been in between.

I need more dissatisfaction to move forward. I have no motivation. I feel great. I look better than I used to. Maybe I need a fitness goal to go hand in hand with my weight loss. I need something to push for. Intellectually I want to reach my goal - but emotionally I'm missing something to get me there. More to ponder.

[DogMa]

Nick, check back in your journal. I could swear you said that a number of pounds ago, too. So maybe think of what you feel/look like NOW compared to the last time you said it.

[bikipatra]

I was thinking as I left work today - I feel so great at this weight. And the last time I tried to lose weight, this is what I weighed and I felt miserable. So it's all relative. What felt miserable a few years ago feels like a great accomplishment now - because of where I've been in between.

I need more dissatisfaction to move forward. I have no motivation. I feel great. I look better than I used to. Maybe I need a fitness goal to go hand in hand with my weight loss. I need something to push for. Intellectually I want to reach my goal - but emotionally I'm missing something to get me there. More to ponder.

How about the fact that you are still clinically obese and all the health problems that are just like ticking time bombs for someone at your weight? Doesn't that scare you? It scared me because my father had his first heart attack when he was 40 and wasn't even fat just had diabetes, very high cholesterol and high blood pressure. If you remain at this weight you are taking years off of your life. (Yes, you could say the same about my smoking but this is a weight loss board.) A fitness goal would be good for you. Start moving. Don't start with a marathon-how about a 15-20 walk every day for a week. Then increase the amount of time. You can do that withoiut making a huge committment to a gym which you would have a long post contemplating. Walking is free and a great start to someone who has led a sedentary lifestyle. I just want the best for you Nickie. You seem to think what you have is good enough. Sometimes the good is the enemy of the best.

[nickieluv]

I'm not sure what it is. And I think the last time I had these thoughts was at the beginning of the summer, and that was only 10 pounds ago. I don't want to have this fight with myself every 10 pounds.

I moved my goal all the way down - thinking maybe seeing 50 pounds to go (plus a lot, after the last couple of days) instead of 30 might make it more real, how overweight I still am.

That social thing, too - everyone in my immediate family is overweight - a LOT overweight. My mom, sister, brother, and dad (although he's only a bit overweight now, he's lost a lot - but he used to be 350#). My dad has started the weight loss many times, only to gain back some again, then lose it again - and my mom has lost weight a couple of times in the last 14 years, only to gain all back again each time. Same thing with my aunts and uncles who have lost weight. Except for here, I don't have any maintenance role models. I'm sort of being a trailblazer in my family and maybe I'm feeling some discomfort about being the only thin one. Well, I have cousins who are thin - most of them, actually - but I don't see them except for once or twice a year.

Yes, good is the enemy of the best. We even heard that at our conference days this year, I think. Or maybe I'm just remembering it from something I read.

I can see areas that need improvement - my legs, my arms, my belly, my back, my rear - I guess the tippy top of my head is in perfect shape. Only look at me there. I'm not in denial in terms of thinking I'm doing great. But it's better. It's like stopping halfway through cleaning the kitchen because I'm tired and at least I made some progress.

I want to start with a modest exercise goal. Does it matter if you don't exercise in the morning? Because I can see it being harder to get myself out of bed in the morning than to pop in a tape after the baby goes to bed - or even have her exercise with me - wouldn't that be cute? She'd be running around the house actually, and would stop to imitate me once in a while - but still, it'd be cute. Anyway, at least at first, I don't see myself getting up earlier. So I was thinking - two days a week I would exercise. I know that's not enough - but I usually say EVERY day I'll exercise and then when I miss a day, I quit. If I only say two days for now, maybe I will do more than that - but it won't be like I'm forcing myself to, it would be because I wanted to.

I know I won't go outside and walk. Not right now. I have 'Walk Away The Pounds' DVDs I can use at first. And then I have some dance DVDs and Pilates for later. I think if I were moving, I'd have more motivation to eat right - because I know from past experience that exercise alone doesn't do a darn thing if you're not in control of your eating.

A good thing did happen yesterday. Good, not best. I was in the drive-thru at McDonalds and when my turn came, I just drove away and went home. But instead of having a 6-0 like I wanted (I didn't feel like eating anything) I ordered pizza a few hours later after eating nothing all night. But driving away from McDonalds felt really good - and I still feel good about it.

I haven't eaten anything yet today - I was trying to decide if I was going to be compliant before 'wasting' any supplements. Maybe part of this is having not ordered my RTDs this month. I love those suckers and I feel like I can't have them, like I have to save them. That was silly - I meant well, trying to save money for us this month - but I didn't help myself any.

No more peanut butter. I'm going to ask my husband if he's willing to throw away or give away what we have. And we already know I can't do pickles safely. Next order I think I'll add in some soy crisps for snacking emergencies - especially if we have some grocery money left over so I can make a slightly bigger order than usual. Until then, I have to just eat what I have to eat. I bought it, so I know I don't hate it. I'll say that I can have 2 shakes a day and the rest have to be something else. If I make myself oatmeal before work and only have a bar and 1 RTD at work, then I can still have 1 RTD when I get home. Then my L&G for dinner and hot cocoa before bed. And when the RTDs are gone, I'll have another cocoa cold instead.

I also didn't order enough bars to have one every day - only enough to take to work. Although bars have never been a binge factor for me on this plan, so I don't know why I felt I had to protect myself from them.

My point is - I'm going to go have a supplement now. No more autopilot because I thought work would be so easy. I have a long way to go and all the compliments in the world don't make me thin. It's good to feel good - and just because I can't imagine what thin will feel like doesn't mean it won't feel better still.

[bikipatra]

You don't have to do it first thing, but I usually do it in the morning because it's cooler and it feels good to have gotten it done. That way I don't keep putting it off and maybe don't do it at all. At this point, I think any activity would be good and it doesn't have to be every day. Try the tapes and do as much as you can do. When I first started Weight Watchers at 256 pounds I could only make it through the warm-up on my exercise DVD's. But at least I was moving. Maybe start that way.

[nickieluv]

I DEFINITELY think getting some exercise is the way to go. I've been on this plan for months with no more exercise than chasing my daughter down the sidewalk every so often when she takes it into her head to run. Oh, and my brief stint of walking at work. I know it feels good to move. I think I'm ready to add in things. Especially since I don't need to worry about it slowing down my weight loss - I mean, what am I losing at this rate anyway by eating off-plan? I think it would help my focus. I'm undecided about mornings. I agree that it's easier to do it right away, and then you can't talk yourself out of it later. I could do that if I started getting to bed earlier. I'll give it a go this week - the 1-mile walking DVD in the morning. Actually, how long is it you have to exercise before you feel the energy instead of the tiredness? I don't want to say I'll give it a week if that's not long enough to get past the fatigue.

[nickieluv]

Alright, here's the plan -

I'm going to bed by 10. I will check the length of my walking DVD and get up early enough to do that tomorrow morning. After exercising I will have my first supplement, I'll be compliant at work, and if I come home and can't face a L&G I will just have a 6/0 day. I am simply not going to allow myself to cheat all week - and when Saturday comes hopefully the five days of compliance will keep me wanting to stay the course.

I do have so much farther to go. I am in better health than I was, but I can be so much better still! It's so hard for me to imagine a smaller body than what I have now - I'm going to check out the myvirtualmodel site again and maybe get some kind of goal picture out of it. What I really need is a picture of myself from college - but I don't have any that I know of. I've always hated cameras and of course I thought I was fat back then so I didn't like having my picture taken at all. I suppose the only thing to do is lose the weight and see what I look like! Can't look worse, right?

Plus I am truly dying to wear all those new clothes....

I checked my weight graph today and it's been about 7 weeks that I've been hovering around 200 - up and down and back again. Surely that's enough time to give myself a kick in the pants and get over myself already! Sure there's no rush for goal now in terms of baby-making - but why on earth would I want this to take longer?

I'm really stupid sometimes. Caught up in my head and losing sight of the facts. Short-sighted. Narrow-minded.

The only thing keeping me from compliance is me. I'm not trying hard enough to fight the urges. They will always come around from time to time, and unless I want to see almost 300 pounds on that scale again, I have to learn to deal with them and not give in to them.

I look better. I look more normal. But I am not thin and I am not out of the woods for health problems. I need to get active and get fit.

I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid I can't cut it. But I've done it before. I just need to DECIDE and DO instead of worry and speculate.

70# club - you're on my radar screen. See you by October my friend.

[Sojourner]

Don't make me smack you.

[nickieluv]

Well, Sojo, I think you'd just enjoy smacking me for any reason at all but sorry to disappoint this morning.

I got up early as planned and did the 1-mile walking DVD. And I was sweating. How sad is that? It's called 'easy walk' and I was sweating! But I did it. And I imagine I'll do it for a while before I try the 2-mile. I guess when I stop sweating it'll be time to move up.

I can see how it's more work than a regular walk, though. Which is good I guess - I was afraid it would be really boring to walk in place for 20 minutes, which it would be, but that's not all you do. And I don't have a stretchy-band thing like she does (used to, but tossed 'em) so I used 3-pound hand weights. I assume it does sort of the same thing if I use the same motions they do.

Well, time to get ready for work if I want to leave by 8. So far so good today!

[bikipatra]

I'm very proud of you, Nicks. When I was 17 I used to run in place, in front of the air conditioner. I would hold my busoms the whole time.

[DogMa]

Good job, Nickie! Andtry to let that feeling of pride carry you through the whole day and past any temptations. You worked hard this morning, so don't make that effort a waste by eating something unhealthy!!

[nickieluv]

Good job, Nickie! Andtry to let that feeling of pride carry you through the whole day and past any temptations. You worked hard this morning, so don't make that effort a waste by eating something unhealthy!!

That's exactly what I'm trying to tell myself all day today, Robin. Because I know how easy it would be to pick up that phone at home or drive thru some window somewhere. It helps that I have no money - cash is dangerous for me, I'm working on a plan to keep it away from myself until I feel stronger. Not that you can't use debit cards some places, but you know what I mean.

Anyway - I've already heard the little voice asking what I want to eat when I get home. I hate that - food rules me when I hear that voice. That's how I feel, anyway. I feel good that I exercised today and part of me thinks that means I can eat more. No!!!!!

I also have to be careful not to overdo it. I've already caught myself thinking about jumping right to the 2-mile tape tomorrow - or doing the 1-mile again tonight before bed. And that sounds like maybe a good idea, but it leads me real quickly to burnout and I don't want that to happen. 'Less is more' is my motto for everything this year - work, church music, my weight - and exercise. Sometimes more is more, sure - but for me more is less, because it always leads me to give up.

OK - I have a project I need to get to this afternoon - I'm halfway done and need to finish it up before I go home. So I'll probably be back on later tonight, but if I'm not, I promise I won't be knee deep in fries or anything.

[bikipatra]

That's exactly what I'm trying to tell myself all day today, Robin. Because I know how easy it would be to pick up that phone at home or drive thru some window somewhere. It helps that I have no money - cash is dangerous for me, I'm working on a plan to keep it away from myself until I feel stronger. Not that you can't use debit cards some places, but you know what I mean.

Nicks, that's what they tell many addicts fresh out of treatment-don't carry enough cash to "score." It might help you.

[nickieluv]

Yes - you can 'score' food with remarkably little money, though. I had 7 bucks and it was too much.

BUT - everything tastes like garbage. Even the chocolate I fantasized about was blah. I'm not ready to dump MF and try regular foods, although that is tempting at times. It just wouldn't get me anywhere, not starting from the point I'm at now.

I forgot to go to myvirtualmodel the other day, so I just did. I kept inputting my goal weight (we're talking for years I've been doing this - at least, as long as the mvm site has been around) and I never was as thin as I wanted to be. I kept telling myself the program was inaccurate and that's why I still had a gut. But I dropped my goal another ten pounds and the model looked like what I picture as a thin body. So maybe 144 is not low enough. It is at the very upper edge of normal BMI, which I know is not a perfect measurement either - but I may have to consider.

So, the thing is, at 144 the model looks the way I see myself now. No wonder I'm having such trouble - I don't see myself realistically. I need to take pictures more often. But I'm afraid it won't work. I mean, if I take a picture on a day I'm feeling fat and I look fat, what will that prove? And if I'm feeling hot and my picture looks fat, that'll just depress me for no reason.

I'm still struggling with compliance but I feel really good that I exercised today - and I'm going to do it again tomorrow. I'm not sure what the answer is on compliance - yeah, just do it - but I'm just so not committed right now. If I could just stay compliant for a while, see a new club, see the 180s - I know it would be self-perpetuating once I get some success. I think I may need a new challenge for myself. Maybe I should go invest in some stickers. Or think of some really great thing that I really want and put it somewhere that I can look at it, but not have it until I lose another ten pounds or something like that. I wouldn't even have to buy anything new - I could just place something I love and already have off-limits. Maybe I'll try that. I know I must have something upstairs to motivate me.

OK - that'll be my before-bedtime project tonight. Maybe I'll lay out all those clothes that don't fit yet, and pick something I'm crazy about to hang on the closet door. I SHOULD hang it on the fridge, really. I'll let you know what I come up with. And then I'll spend some time visualizing my afternoon tomorrow - visualizing myself making the right choices at home. I need to do more of that, maybe, instead of winging it when I get home. That's not working so well lately.