The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

Yeah, but it's not for the pizza....

I'm trying to decide what to do with my ticker. Because I did it. So now I need to figure out what to do about it. Obviously keep going, move ahead. But I feel the need to take off the challenge graphic, because for me it was about 100 days of honest compliance and I've blown that.

I thought about not telling, but I couldn't live with that.

And it's been creeping up on me. Not measuring here and there, having 'about the right amount,' probably - no, definitely - skimping here and adding there. All signs of impending bad choices. Still a lesson I needed to learn I suppose.

This sucks and I feel pretty disappointed. The hard part is moving ahead without feeling like I'm off the hook. I feel like I need to punish myself, not be forgiving of myself.

I think mentally, to reset that ticker to 0, might do more harm than good. So I'm going to think of something creative, to still be honest about what happened, but give myself credit for the 37 days I worked hard for.

It's not over. The challenge is not over. It's not even restarted. 37 days is good. It's better than I've ever done before. I stumbled but I'm making progress.

Now to see if I'm making REAL progress, I need to see what happens in the next month. If I'm serious, I'll be compliant again and intend to make it to 100 days. If I haven't learned anything, I'll be cheating again by Friday. But that doesn't feel true. I like it when I'm compliant. I've been feeling the slide coming and I haven't been helping - not getting enough sleep, not timing my meals well all the time, skimping on the water.

NOTICE TO SELF - when you notice that you are not drinking as much water and/or getting too creative with your L&G, take a moment, step back, get out of the house if you can, go to bed if you have to - calm down.

Even the shopping was a warning sign - another compulsive behavior, spending money instead of eating is all. Man this is not going to be easy, keeping an eye on myself.

This doesn't feel like it's going to lead to a week or a month of problems. I imagine, as with the others, I'll uncover what's really going on in a few days. In the meantime - water, water, water! And sleep. Naps whenever possible, if I'm going to insist on staying up late.

I'm sorry. I'm apologizing to myself but also to everyone here. I hate feeling like I've let down the challengers. I still feel like I'm going to be booed off the forums when things like this happen. I don't do that to others, and I know you won't do that to me, and if I wasn't serious I would never have gotten this far - but still. I'm sorry.

[Elizabeth]

Nickie, I'm sorry to read you are disappointed in yourself for breaking your challenge. I wanted to congratulate you for staying cheat free for 37 days...that is something I've never done. I'd bet that you have made some new healthy habits with that long stretch that you don't even realize yet. Try to give yourself credit for this commitment you were able to make and follow through for 37 days. Take care.

[nickieluv]

OK, the new ticker doesn't make much sense at the moment.

It's supposed to represent that my goal is to be compliant until Christmas.

Tomorrow it will say something like "today is 37 days of compliance" which still doesn't make sense, but tomorrow is day 1 for me. So on Thursday it will say "1 day since 37 days of compliance" and that will mean I was compliant for 37 days, and then 1 day in the new string.

Christmas is 133 days. 100 days is Thanksgiving Day exactly. That's kind of handy. When I make it that far, why on Earth would I want to miss my 100th day because of some big family dinner where you always eat too much and can't even move afterwards? That doesn't sound like fun. Actually, it isn't fun - I'm experiencing a minor version of that right now and I don't like it. Imagine, Thanksgiving and all I have is some dry turkey and broccoli. Sounds heavenly to be up and moving while everyone else is in a stupor on the couch.

Okay - school starts in 20 days. 20 days of compliance is a snap for an old pro like me. And I was very good when school was in session, even though I was still getting used to the program and what I expected of myself. Busier, away from temptation. And there are auditions for a fall show at the end of this month, and I'm seriously thinking of trying out. I don't expect a part but if I did get one - the show only runs for 6 or 7 weeks, and it's a straight play not a musical so it's much less stressful, and also more of an acting challenge for me. It would be a nice experience, because I haven't done a show that's not a musical since high school.

I have a sense of 'it's over, you're through it, now you can move on.' Which implies that I thought cheating was unavoidable and only a matter of time. Maybe the pressure was too much, I don't know. Maybe I DON'T give myself enough credit for strength after all. Maybe I still feel the need to test myself. I don't know. But let's move on, shall we?

[nickieluv]

Thanks for your support, Elizabeth. I appreciate it. I know that what I accomplished is a big deal - it was important to me, and it's worth something. I know I can do better - and I'm going to!

[Tawanda]

Nickie, stop beating yourself up right this instant (shaking my mom finger in your direction)! You did excellent for 37 days. Be proud of that accomplishment and eating off program isn't what you wanted but you aren't going to continue it, just get up, dust yourself off and move forward.

I felt that I let people down by not staying compliant---but the biggest disappointment was in letting myself down. I haven't figured my relationship with food out 100% yet and I'm realizing that is okay. The main thing I'm trying to remember is that even thin people make poor choices about types of foods or quantities at times. The difference between what they do and what I use to do is that they go back to making wise choices and I just stayed in the junk food puddle and wallered around in it for a number of years having a pig out pity party over being in the food puddle.

We're all learning......what you do now, after the little mess up, is what is going to matter.........will you continue to make your good choices or will you beat yourself up until all you want to do is continue to eat off program.

I think you are learning and growing.......and that you're going to go back to your good choices.

Just my 2cents....

[bikipatra]

Nickie, the horse is right here. Just jump back on!

[nickieluv]

Thanks guys. I'm here and I'm shakin' my way to less shakin' again.

I was thinking this morning about your post before, Biki, about my first impulses in the morning. My biggest decision is do I want a shake or do I want some EggBeaters (which I only had once, do they go bad? I have three more cartons so I guess I'd better have them for dinner today or something, but eggs will forever be a breakfast food in my mind). I read in a post Jo made (in jest) about eating bagels for breakfast with a chaser of ice cream and pie and I actually instinctively thought 'yuck' - but dessert for breakfast was not unknown around here in the past. I mean really, essentially, aren't Lucky Charms and some of those other cereals just dessert? But I mean literally, pie or chocolate cake for breakfast. Yuck! How did I ever even get out of the house with that kind of fuel in me? Talk about pouring sugar in your gas tank!

I had this feeling last night, and still do, that I was kind of holding my breath the last 37 days. That I thought I was going to cheat, I expected it deep down, so I kept waiting for it to get to me, to be more than I could handle, and to let myself down. And now it's happened, so I can relax. So now my 100 days goes until Thanksgiving, but I know that time will go so much faster when school is in session and church choir is back up and running - and it actually just occurred to me that I probably can't do that show after all, because of choir. With a cast of less than 10 I don't see that I can ask for every Thursday off of rehearsal. But I might still try out. I know the church would work with me and I haven't been on stage in 3 years. And the odds of me getting a part are slim without my voice to influence the decision, I know that, I'm no great actress (and I'm only a good singer given the competition around here in hicksville - and at that I'm only in the top 5 of people that I've worked with). We'll see what happens I guess.

I think I can make the original 100 days with just this one cheat. I really do. I was running scared about doing it with NO cheats, but just one - I can do that.

The cheats don't serve the same purpose anymore. It used to be, order or buy everything I was missing and eat as much as I could in one night, then get 'back on track' the next day. Yesterday was about crunching. It was purely emotional. I knew it, I recognized it (although not the root emotion, still not sure on that yet although there are lots of possibilites), and I gave in to it. I thought it would make me feel better. And I'm sorry, but it did. I had that moment of comfort and satisfaction afterwards. It helped me express whatever I was feeling. I mean, would we do something over and over for years if it didn't work? I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I felt better. It was my old comfort zone.

But the difference is - I KNEW it wasn't about whatever food I thought I wanted. Before I thought I really needed to eat, that my body needed the extra nutrients of chocolate chip cookies to make it through the day. Yes, I used to think that. But I know this wasn't about food, it was about me. And I even considered doing more damage and ordering something - but I didn't want anything. I didn't want to be stuffed full. I didn't want food in the first place, I knew that. It feels like progress, and not like me blowing smoke up my own butt.

So I'm on the wagon today and feeling good about it. I am SO dehydrated - it's like a carb hangover - so I'm planning on drinking 32oz before I even leave for work this morning. Shouldn't be hard. I've had my first shake of the day and while I will probably go 6-0 today (and maybe tomorrow, too - depends on how hungry I feel etc.) just to play it safe, I don't feel like food is calling to me. It's never as good as you think it will be - broccoli would have probably tasted better, but it wouldn't have been crunchy. What's a good crunchy veggie we're allowed to have? We can't have carrots and they would be perfect - is there an alternative? Or should I not be thinking of alternatives and instead trying to stop all emotional eating? Is that realistic?

Well, I'm off to drink my water. I feel lighter today, even though I gained a little more (of course). Like the weight of this challenge, the pressure, is off. Now it's just my own pressure, my own desires. My own wasted money if I have to buy more clothes in bigger sizes now and toss out the 14s and 12s - ain't gonna happen!!

[nickieluv]

Alright, I'm trying again today. I talked myself right into it yesterday. I just imagined the taste and texture of the food in my mouth and then I went out and got it. And yep, you guessed it - not that good. Not what I imagined. Not worth it. Not worthy of ME to have done that.

It's disturbing how I will argue and argue with myself until I eat. I suppose at least I'm arguing now. But I'm not winning the arguments yet.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I've won lots of food arguments with myself over the course of this year so far. Just not every one. But the percentage is in my favor - I've won more than I've lost. It's just the fights I win, I forget about - I dismiss them, I move on. The fights I lose are the ones that I get upset about.

Maybe it's time to keep a little scoreboard on the fridge - arguments I've won vs. those I've lost. And all those little staring in the fridge moments and deciding not to eat are a win. Coming here instead of eating is a win. The last two days are losses. But I do win, I do make good choices, despite how it may feel right now.

I'm not going to change that ticker every day, so here we go. My 100 days is now the day AFTER Thanksgiving, and Christmas is 132 days away. I have too many clothes to gain weight back. It's a waste of money and you know how I hate to waste money.

I had a nice NSV yesterday - albeit a silly one, and maybe I don't deserve to have had it at all since I ate a poor dinner - but here it is. I bought a watch set with interchangeable bands. They were all set up on a watch valet (which I guess is the technical name for the tube the watches are wrapped around) and when I took one off, I thought 'uh-oh, this is way too small.' Then I put it on, and I had to go to the third hole in the band, and my wrist actually looked small to me. Do you know how many times I've bought a watch and it's too small to go around my wrist? My expensive diamond dress watch, when my husband bought it for me, had to have an extension soddered on so that I could wear it. Now at goal I'll have to go have links removed! I have tons of rings that I could never wear - they all came in standard size 7, so it was always 'when I lose weight this will fit, I won't spend money on sizing' - well, now almost all of them fit on the ring finger of my right hand - which is my bigger hand (do you all have one hand with larger ring sizes or am I a freak? Or are those separate questions? ) and the rings I bought to actually fit are going on my middle finger. Then there are some I purposely bought for my middle finger and they're almost unwearable now, even on my thumb. I won't have them all sized, I don't think, but some of the more expensive ones I certainly will.

Well, it's Thursday. WHEN I am compliant for the rest of the week hopefully I'll at least be back to ticker weight by Sunday - but if not, then fine. I will get to goal eventually - and I have to believe that all these struggles are for a reason. If I got to goal with no problems, I think I would be one of those who quickly gain it back. I'm thick-headed but I do still need to learn the place food should have in my life, and how to take the power away from it and give it to myself. I wish I could have read Jo's cake story before I made my decision yesterday. And her cruise story. Reading about the overweight people she saw on that cruise while she was on plan, I got teary. I know people like that, people I love dearly are like that, I was like that - and I want to get us all healthy.

I am here, I am still trying, and I am going to be successful today no matter what it takes. I'll get myself back on a roll and make compliance second nature again, and I will feel better, look better, and have a more upbeat outlook. I will NOT have pictures taken of me this Christmas and then look at them wondering who that fat girl is. Maybe I'll wonder who the thin girl is, instead. That would be fun.

[bikipatra]

Make today a good day, Nicks. I know you can. On the ring finger issue, I believe it is quite common for the dominant hand to be larger. My left ring finger is 5.5 and my right a 6.

[DogMa]

To answer the earlier question, celery is crunchy and allowed. Cucumber can be, too. They're not chips, but they're something.

And you say the eating worked, as far as making you feel better. But did it really? Maybe for a few minutes, but your posts sure don't sound like someone who's feeling better. If you broke your leg, knocking yourself on the head until you were unconscious would make your leg feel better, too, for a short time. But would that really be helping? When you woke up, your leg would still be broken. It might even be worse because you didn't treat the original problem. (Sorry, it's a really stupid example but I'm a little fuzzy today.)

And no, it doesn't always have to be a struggle. I thought it would, too, and frankly there still ARE days that I struggle a little. Not really with emotional eating anymore, though, which surprises me more than anyone. Sometimes I just want something unhealthy because it's there and it looks good. But I've decided those aren't usually good enough reasons to eat something.

[nickieluv]

Not good news. Although, in a way, maybe it is.

Robin, you made me laugh - knocking myself on the head! No, in the long run I don't feel better than I would if I'd stayed compliant all this time - but in the short-term it DID work. However, that short-term solution has caused a lot of problems this week.

I was just mentioning in Karli's journal that when I'm off-plan, I spend all day thinking about what I'm going to eat that night. It's the food-obsessive behavior that used to dominate my life, and that MF finally got rid of. When I'm compliant, I just pick up something when it's time to eat. No pre-planning, no obsessing. And maybe that's not good, or maybe it is. It takes the emotion out of eating and makes it no more than taking medicine (I think Di said that in her journal recently). Well, I've been skipping my meds and that's not good.

In fact, bad habits are abounding. I've been up for about 90 minutes today and I've had nothing except some tea. I try to eat first at 8, but it's 9 - so I'm already behind and I'm setting myself up for a hungry day and failure. I'm stopping right now to get a shake.

OK, it's in front of me, I'm sipping away as I type/think.

I'm not sure why I always selectively forget the struggles I have getting compliant. I'm going to give myself a project today - go through my journal, and make a motivational document of all the times I've struggled to get compliant and stay that way. If I have this in front of me when I feel like cheating, in my own words, maybe I can talk myself out of that first bite. But I don't think about it clearly enough.

Last night I had my 'meal of the condemned.' My last meal. I ate. I did not come here, I did not read the diet book that my husband delivered to me from the library, I did nothing that might dissuade me from eating. I wanted to eat and I did. Nothing was going to stop me.

I'm still under 200 - but I wasn't last night. I did, however, go to sleep at 8:30 and the baby slept till 7:30 - so that was heavenly and I feel better this morning because of that.

I have the tools I need to stay compliant - I know what to do and how to do it - but I seem to choose not to when I get in these downslides. I am glad I bought clothes that are on the verge of being too small. I have plenty of things that will fit now, and I can keep wearing the big 18s until the 14s fit - but the really nice items that I'm longing to wear are too small. So I have external motivation to get going again.

I don't know about looking at 100 days anymore. I don't know about anything, except that I have to have a goal to work towards that seems attainable, but is still a challenge. With no goals I just drift and things seem pointless. So my goals - 40 days of compliance, and to get into the 90# club. I don't expect to reach both goals at the same time certainly. And I think that's good. I have a time goal and a weight goal but they are unrelated - and it's not even possible to lose 25 pounds in 40 days, not for me anyway. Why 90# and not 80? The 90# gets me into the 170s, the first 'decade' of numbers that I have no clear recollection of in my lifetime. I'm afraid I might feel 'thin' when I leave the 180s so the 90# club goal will keep me going deep into them, to the place where 160s seem attainable.

I want this. I want to reach goal. My behavior has been showing the opposite - my behavior makes it seem like what I want is to be enormous again. I still need to learn that I can't eat the way I did last night EVER - and maybe that means I can't eat anything 'unhealthy' because I can't seem to handle moderation. It seems like a good idea to just not bring it into the house in the first place. No more cookies for the baby, no more goldfish, nothing that I even remotely would like to eat. It means more work, and that's my problem - I'm lazy. It's easier to hand her cookies or crackers than it is to wash fruit or cut up veggies. But come on, isn't she worth the work? And when it comes down to it, aren't my goals and my health more important than convenience? Obviously they are not, at the moment, and I still need to work on that.

As always after these cheats, I just wanted to stay away until I could come back and triumphantly say - hey, I've been compliant for a week and look, I lost 5 pounds!! But that's no good. I need to be here, uncomfortable as it is to admit that I defeated myself yet again.

I'm going to get to work on that motivational document - maybe I'll make two. One of how hard it is to stay compliant, and one of all the NSVs and happy consequences of staying compliant. 91 pages of journal is a lot to sift through, but this seems worthwhile.

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie. Well, I don't have many words of wisdom here at the moment. I won't even *pretend* that I do today ... LOL. I was one supplement away from 2 perfect days in a row back on plan, thinking I was getting somewhere, only to ruin it.

And, of course, I hear you about the clothing. One of my new and most special pieces was a bit tight in the arms when I first got it (it's in the shop being replaced for other reasons at the moment), I can only imagine that the tightness is getting a bit worse.

I have been thinking similarly to what it seems you have been about the new clothing -- like that should be motivation to keep off the poundage and eat right. I think it can be to some extent. But, I recall years of having a pair of "goal jeans" from highschool in my drawer -- I had always wanted to fit back into them, but I never did. Sometimes the clothes thing works, sometimes it doesn't.

I think I have been realizing though that I need some deeper connections to what I really want and why -- and, perhaps I am going to need to continue to go deeper on occasion just to keep it "real" for myself. The strange thing is that somewhere in me I know that I am not going to just sit back and gain all the weight back. And, I know I have certain limits right now until I get my act together better -- but, I would like to be at a spot where I don't just wait around for those limits but instead do the right thing before I reach my limits doing the opposite. Now, THAT, has never really been my strong point.

Well, LOL, the point of all this is not really about me exactly, but I guess I suspect we have some things in common regarding some of this. When is it right to really sit down and think some things through, and when is it overthinking ?

I am leaving today for our next camping trip -- but, I will be thinking about you .

[nickieluv]

Ah, camping - not my thing but it seems totally like your thing. You exude nature and energy and - just naturalness in itself, I guess. You seem wholesome. I suppose that's corny, but there you have it.

I've gotten through 16 pages of my journal already - I'm going to need to break this up or I'm going to go blind and get neck cramps and bedsores. So I'm quitting for a bit. It's been really good for me, though, re-reading things from the beginning. Of course I'm mostly skimming, but still the highlights are making an impression. I have twice as much 'hard to get compliant' stuff as 'worth it to stay compliant' stuff, but that's because in the first months I was hardly compliant at all.

The main thing I'm seeing is how far I've come. Man, I was a MESS at the beginning! I had so many emotional issues and problems with food. Things are much simpler now. I don't agonize over food every day. I still struggle with trying to get compliant again when I go off, but my problems are different now. I know what to do, I know what I want, but I'm letting past attitudes and habits rule my life instead of embracing the changes I've made and letting them be my natural state. I am not the same person. I'm stronger (or rather, I'm accessing my strength more often than I used to), I'm more confident, I still make bad choices (both with food and other things) but I am on my way to a whole new way of living, and even a new way of thinking.

I am proud of myself. I deserve all good things. I deserve to meet my goals. I don't need various types of food to make me feel like I'm special. I am special in my own right, I am vital and alive and I contribute to my family and my community. I am growing, I am learning, I am ALIVE!!!!!

[nickieluv]

I'm still at page 16 of my journal for the files I'm making. Haven't done any more. Some things have been - I don't know how to finish that, exactly, so I'll just jump in.

I need transition. If I finish off here and then jump right back into all the foods on earth, I will be a mess. The longer the transition, the better, I think.

Right now there is no difference in my mind between healthy off-plan foods and junk food. Because everything that is off-plan seems equivalent, as, essentially, it is while you're dieting. It makes no difference if it was a Snickers bar or a carrot, if it's off-plan it's a poor choice. So when I go off, the idea of making 'healthy choices' is foreign. While I'm on, fruits and yogurt and grains all look good - but when I go off, it's the nasty grub that I eat.

There will always be an excuse to eat junk food. I'm tired, we're busy, no time to cook, we're working hard today, we're out of the house, it's a special occasion, blah blah blah. Jo has said this to me in the past but I didn't really believe it. I thought a special occasion was something I could define - it's not. A special occasion turns out to be anything that isn't me sitting at home doing nothing. And as much of a homebody as I am, that still happens relatively rarely. If every picnic, zoo trip, vacation, family affair, or visit is deemed a special occasion, I will never eat anything but junk.

I will not magically have a beautiful body and then suddenly decide that I will never pollute it again. Instead, I will see that body as leeway for bad choices, if I keep my current mindset. Getting back up over 200 pounds, no matter by how little, should have been devastating. It wasn't, and isn't. I'll get back on plan and lose some more and all will be well. So I think. Except that's not healthy, either, long-term - to eat all the yummy processed foods I can until I've gained too much, then eat healthy just long enough to lose those pounds again.

A lot of my emotional work has gone well - I don't have the same hangups that I did, or they are not as severe. But I still have problems with food itself, and the way that I feel justified to eat whatever I want all the time because that's what normal people do (so I think). Am I eating less? Yes, that's good. But it's not enough. I got a pasta dinner last night that, in the past, I'd order two of and eat it all. Last night I had about a third of one meal and couldn't eat the rest. It was too heavy - and didn't even taste that good - there's a recurring theme. I think a juicy grape or something would have tasted better - but that's not what I ate.

Food costs a lot of money. In the last few days off-plan, I have once again spent probably $150 or more on food. That's two weeks of MF food. That's a month's worth of food for my daughter. It's annoying to waste that kind of money. And I used to do this every week - eat nothing all day, then feel justified to stuff and stuff at night. I'm still stuffing, it just takes less to get the job done.

I feel like there's more, but I just glanced at the clock and I'm running quite late for church. So I need to quickly get showered and dressed and run out the door. I'll be back with more later probably. But for now - I have updated both tickers, I'm shooting for 6 weeks of compliance, and I'm still trying to figure out what is going to make this weight loss long-lasting - hopefully forever.

[Lasi]

You have made progress and are continuing to make progress. Sometimes that progress is not in the scales but in sorting through feelings and behaviors. You are doing that now. Give yourself credit for that. Keep posting.

You never know how your posting might be helping someone else sort through there internal battles.

Hang tight baby.