The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

I'm glad you're doing a little better. Maybe bring a bar along? And/or some soy crisps? Fewer questions with something like that, I think. Good luck. (And remember, if you stick with it, then the next time you see the family there will definitely be questions. "You look so great! How did you do it?")

As for the takeout, I'm sorry but there are TONS of carbs in the bun and the breading (that's pretty much all those are). More than enough to knock you out of ketosis. But some people get back into the state of ketosis more quickly than others; plus if you had the carbs all at one time, it minimized the effect on your blood sugar and insulin levels.

Hang in there, Nickie. You really can do this.

[nickieluv]

Robin, I actually only have liquid stuff in the house right now. I didn't buy any bars or crisps because I was afraid I couldn't be responsible for them. But I think in my next order I may pick up some for an emergency stash for these kinds of situations.

I've decided for myself at work to only post on my lunch break - I don't feel so ethically torn about that one. I can get caught up on here for a really long time if I don't set limits. Then in the evenings I'll catch up on my reading and posting on other threads, and another journal post if I need to.

I did not want to come here today until I could report that I'd scheduled a counseling appointment - which I have, for tomorrow at 6:30. I was shocked I could get in so quickly - I expected a two-week wait minimum. I'll probably post ad nauseum about how that goes - I'm nervous about it, very much.

Sunday was not good. I took Sojo's post, and my desperate mind twisted it. I figured a thin person would not eat special diet food, so I shouldn't - but the real issue was that a thin person would make the healthy choice, which I did not. I expected more munchies than a meal - but it wound up being a sit-down affair. I sipped on my diet Coke for a really long time, watching everybody else eat, debating with myself. Then I had just a little sandwich. Then a little shrimp. Well then, just a little macaroni/potato salad. Then, what the hell - cookies and chips. And for dinner at home, pizza and chocolate and regular soda.

On the way home from the gathering I felt really good and at peace, even though I hadn't stuck with the diet. I thought that must mean I'd done the right thing. Then, after thinking more about Sojo's post, I realized that was probably just the ingrained fat frame of mind that was relieved I'd cheated - like it could just sigh and say 'oh good, she's not really serious about this after all - she had me worried for a minute there.' Once again it was a situation where I was prepared and could have stuck with the program, but I didn't.

So that's why the counseling session. I'd already said I'd do it, but I didn't know if I would follow through right away. But after yesterday, I realized that I need to get some things straight or I'll continue to have these issues with cheating.

I was really afraid that today would be terrible, really hard to get back on track, because yesterday was the first time I let go and had sweets. I'm doing fine so far, but then, I always do at work. I can hide in my classroom and avoid all the temptations in the faculty room, especially since I'm bringing water now and don't even have to go down there to get a diet soda. I've decided to up my water goal to 100 ounces a day, too. I get in a little over 50 at work, so that means 3 more glasses at home will do it. After these bottles are gone, too, I'm going to try to find bigger ones so that I can get in more water at work, and just have my flavored stuff at home. Right now it's easier to be faithful to the plan at work.

Well, Mondays and Thursdays are really full days for me, so I have to sign off now before my next class comes in. I'll be checking in again tonight after the baby goes to bed. I'm nervous about tonight, too - being home with more choices around me and more opportunities to get sucked over to the dark side. I used to think I was past that and there was no way I was going to mess up - but like I said the other day, I'm losing confidence after these last derailments.

[DogMa]

I'm so glad you made the appointment (now you just need to show up; I know that's MY downfall). I hope he/she can help. Is this someone who deals a lot with eating disorders?

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie. Good to read you . You know, I know that things are not "ideal" when one holds themselves to the "on-paper" version of what the program reads. BUT, I still think you are doing well for yourself. I think about the progress that I have seen you make over the months... it's drastic. I can tell just from the posts that you have given over the months.

You are going to do this . You CAN do this. One step at a time. What you are doing right now is figuring out what it takes for you, and that is just information . And, then, you are taking the steps to take care of each thing that comes up. You are doing the right thing. This is what has been calling to you -- in your sleep, in your dreams, in your waking day. And you are paying attention -- does't that feel good ? Doesn't that feel better ? It may feel scary, and maybe a little dark, but, you can still see. You just keep following that little light, and be patient with yourself. You are embarking on the adventure of your life , and we are right here with you while you do it (cheering you on and rooting for you :) ).

You know, the "end" is not your goal weight. And, really, I don't think your weight is even the goal for you in dealing with your eating habits, is it ? That is only symbolic and a representation of what's going on inside of you. But, you don't have to be afraid of all that stuff... it's not bigger than you . You are building space for your soul to breathe within, so breathe within it with courage. Move in it, claim it as your own. Find the edges, and then gather the courage to push those boundaries, too. What you are doing right now, it is this very thing that you have been longing for. You are doing the right thing, and you can no longer ignore it . You are doing it right now .

I am right here . Good is right here, with you. You can see it, you are capable of that and you will grow and flourish in that ability as you move within your life and breathe with your soul. And, you will find your face there, and you will love your face .

I am just right here, listening to every little word . Your heart's desires are not being ignored. Your wishes and your hopes are not in vain . Just keep going .


Best wishes,
Karli

[bikipatra]

I'm so glad you made the appointment (now you just need to show up; I know that's MY downfall). I hope he/she can help. Is this someone who deals a lot with eating disorders?

Mine too...don't know how many times I accidentally "slept through" a therapy appt or got sick that day, or forgot. I hope your appointment goes well and you can feel as comfortable and as honest sharing with the therapist as you have been here.

[Karli]

Nickie (and everybody else here), is perfectly capable of doing exactly what she needs to do. And, that is exactly what she is going to do, whatever that is. There is no need to doubt it .

[jlaman79]

Oh Nickie! I'm sorry I haven't been around to cheer you along lately!
So many of your posts i could have written myself. You're going to make it!

I've been amazed at how many different areas of my life have been turned upside down by a simple decision to lose weight. It seems I had many many many reasons to be fat and when you start to change your behaviours all of those issues fly back in your face at one time.

Figure it all out, then give me a clue, won't ya? Huh? huh?

[DogMa]

Nickie (and everybody else here), is perfectly capable of doing exactly what she needs to do. And, that is exactly what she is going to do, whatever that is. There is no need to doubt it .

Of course she is. I would never imply anything but. I just know what a huge, difficult step it can be. Nickie, you're doing exactly what you need to, and I'm very proud of you for it. And hopefully the therapist can help you to be proud of yourSELF. Just the fact that you're still trying is something to be proud of!

[Karli]

Of course she is. I would never imply anything but.

I know, it's okay, you're right . I don't believe anybody was implying anything except her ability to do it . I wasn't directing anything toward you, or to Biki for that matter . But, more toward Nickie .

I just think that reading things from others (especially in the first person) can have a funny way of playing like a tape and sounding like our own voice within our own heads. And, I just want to be sensitive to that (especially for a musician whom consciously and habitually assigns a sound with nearly everything they may know (and read) ).

[dede4wd]

Nickie,
I'm just catching up. I'm happy you made the appointment. I could have written a bunch of what you have written too. I sometimes think I'm not fighting the fat, but fighting myself. Nothing is more important to me, so I will win, against whatever opponent I'm fighting. I use the forum for help, I know you will use whatever weapons you need to fight this daunting opponent and beat the pants off of it!

I'm here too, as an ear to listen (or eyes to read). I'm following your words and thinking of you!

DeDe

[bikipatra]

Of course she is. I would never imply anything but.

I know, it's okay, you're right . I don't believe anybody was implying anything except her ability to do it . I wasn't directing anything toward you, or to Biki for that matter . But, more toward Nickie .

I just think that reading things from others (especially in the first person) can have a funny way of playing like a tape and sounding like our own voice within our own heads. And, I just want to be sensitive to that (especially for a musician whom consciously and habitually assigns a sound with nearly everything they may know (and read) ).

Smart thinking, Karli.

[nickieluv]

AAARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!

I am so sick of posting about how I f***ed up all the time!!!!!!!! Pardon my language.

So yesterday, I'm great and on plan. I even have my L&G. I'm getting ready to shake up a shake before putting the baby to bed and I suddenly believe I must have Chinese food. Simply must. Because, after all, I'm going to counseling today so in case she 'fixes me' I'd better get it in one last time. I was actually a bit giddy about going to get it. Elated almost.

I went and got it and realized I didn't have to eat it, just because I bought it. But before you get all excited and think I made the right choice - no such luck. Sucked it down. Then woke up this morning just pissed at myself - not guilty, not ashamed, ticked off!!!

But there is good news. I had all but decided that today I shouldn't 'waste' my shakes here at work because I had it all planned to go get McDonald's later on. I packed them and all, had them here, but I just drank my water at the beginning of this break instead of having a shake like I needed to. But I got on here, and before coming to my journal I read everything else first. And Karli's post about how food will not help her to deal with anything successfully made sense to me. Eating will not make me suddenly have friends to talk to. Eating will not make my husband come home sooner. Eating will not enable me to quit my job and stay home with my baby. All eating does is make me mad!

I had a shake after all. I'm being silly and self-indulgent. What kind of intelligent adult lets food run rampant in her life? So for now, at least, my resolve is strong and my plan is in place. I need to remember in the moment to really stop and think what I REALLY want. I think that's going to be hard, because I've convinced myself that I really want food, and that's all there is to it.

If I had to assign an emtion to last night, it would be entitlement - if that's an emotion. The night before I'd been off plan and wanted Chinese but didn't get it. Then the mother of one of my piano students ordered Chinese to pick up for them on the way home. So it was on my brain and darn it, I DESERVED that food, I wanted it, and no one was going to tell me I couldn't have it! Not even me.

I need to make losing weight about more than looking good. I think it needs to represent something else. Not health, because try as I might I just can't get excited about that. But I need to have a goal that has losing weight as some sort of path to it. I could list a bunch of things but once again, as several months ago, I'm missing the inspiration. This time I had the action and committment down for almost a week - a record for me - but without that desire I can't get it to stick.

Yes, part of it is the way I use food for so many other things instead of just fuel. That's making it harder to stay on plan. But I know I have the strength inside me to do this. I need to tap into it and find something that will really rev me up about it. Something personal, something not for other people, because most of my reasons are for other people. Wanting to dance, go out, be more sexual - those are all for my husband. Wanting to set a good example, not embarrass my daughter - while it's worth it do things for your kids, that's still not really for me. Wanting to look good, feel confident, feel sexy - for me, technically, but still not really resonating as something I can't live without. Why do I want to lose weight? What don't I have now that I can be in a better place to get if I'm not fat?

That's the question. Maybe that's something the counselor can help with. BTW, I don't know if she knows anything about diet or eating disorders. They didn't even ask me why I wanted the appointment, they just gave me a time and the counselor's name. I hedge at labeling myself with an eating disorder. I certainly don't eat normally but am I really sick? Is that denial? I just don't think of myself as mentally ill - maybe I'm defining eating disorder incorrectly. Well, kids coming in again. Sheesh, they expect me to actually work around here....000000

[Karli]

Eating will not make my husband come home sooner. Eating will not enable me to quit my job and stay home with my baby.

Now, those are some meaty realizations, dear Nickie . Those are the types of realizations you cannot ignore, nor forget. Those truths are REALITY and they will NOT GO AWAY. And, THEY are YOURS !! You can build on that stuff because they give you some footings (perspective), do you see ? Just "stand" there and feel them . They feel good (you broke the cieling again and made more progress -- congratulations) .

Seeing clearly what you are deciding on, when you have to make a decision, can only empower you. You don't have to go through this blindly in order to get through it.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Karli. I wish I could feel like I'm making progress but I just don't know. I feel like if I say I'm headed in the right direction even though I'm not sticking to the diet reliably, then I'm lying to myself. I feel most of the time that things have to be perfect in order to count. Of course I tell my students all the time that trying your best and making progress is the goal - but when it comes to my life and feelings I don't see that as good enough. Another example of how I treat others better than myself. No big surprise by now.

Something I realized reading Karli's post - there are things I can actually do to change my situation. I have another business that I've started, trying to build up an income so that I CAN stay home with my daughter. But it seems like that daunting impossible task that I'll never succeed at anyway - so instead of doing what I know I need to do to get that going, I ignore it. I've contemplated just letting it die. I made substantial money in my first month doing it, but then took December off because of issues with the company and now I can't get going again, even though I need and want to. Instead of eating I could be working on the business, something that would actually get me to the goal I want, but I don't.

The most central issue seems to be fear of everything. I can trace all my feelings back to that one, if I think about it. Interesting....

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie . You know, there is something to be said for "quality of life." There is a good chance that you already have everything you need to live, but, my impression is that you don't enjoy it as much as you feel you should, or would like to.

Our ability to appreciate the things we have and do *IS* our quality of living. You could be extremely thin and not appreciate it, and your quality of life won't feel any different than if you were heavier.

I have found that I can never be too grateful. I don't mean that we have to try to see the world through Rose-colored glasses, but I mean harboring true gratitude for anything and everything that can be thought of. I have sometimes had to be extremely fundamental about. Like, letting my day's happiness rest in being grateful for a warm shower -- AND THAT'S IT !! That was all I could hold onto at the time, but, it was something I could hold onto and build from.

Gratitude can fill us up if we let it.