The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

You just had to bring up the pizza boy, bebes......tsk tsk tsk

I have grown predictable in my old age...

[nickieluv]

You two were in rare form this morning, huh?

I did see a lower number on the scale this morning so I guess I'm speaking to it again. But nothing really 'counts' until Sunday in my world so I'm prepared for it to be taken away from me.

You know, if there's one good thing about being sort of stuck while I am simultaneously being compliant, it's that it might be teaching me to worry less about the scale. (I said worry less, not obsess less!) I could use that. On my way up the scale I never even looked at the darn thing unless I was on some temporary diet kick - that's partly why I can't remember really what I weighed at any given point. I don't remember at any time being over 232 except when I was pregnant, but of course I had to get to the 260s/270s somehow. My point is, I'm hoping at goal that I will be able to stay off the scale again - not out of denial, but just because I'll use different things (like the way my jeans fit right out of the dryer or something) to gauge whether I'm still on track. No more 'these feel tight, time for new ones.' Then again, maybe at goal I won't mind stepping on the scale every so often just to make sure I'm doing OK.

I'm thinking I'll move my ticker first to 165 - did I say that already? That feels like a good weight for me to consider a baby - still overweight, but 100 pounds lighter than I was last time. How sad is that - I could lose 100 pounds but still be considered overweight. Anyway, that's also the weight I'd like to hit after the 100-day challenge. I know, don't put a number goal on things because you can't control that - but it's just a hope. I understand I may not get there - maybe even most likely won't get there - but I bet I could get there by December.

No telling what will happen. I saw a drop today but that could be the only drop I see all week - or it might go right back up tomorrow. Whatever it does, changes are happening in my body - they must be. And changes happen in my mind and my attitude. Those changes are the more important ones - if it were possible to go through all this and not change your feelings about food, you'd be at goal weight for all of three minutes I bet. What does Jo call it? Maintenance training? Now I see the point of that. The very fact that my desired cheat foods at the moment don't contain chocolate (plenty of sugar, don't get me wrong, but no chocolate) indicates a change. Maybe right now I'm just shifting my demons, but it could be more than that. Time will tell.

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie. How's it going ?

[nickieluv]

Going good, Karli - still compliant and I don't want to crow about it YET - but I saw a certain number today and man oh man, if it sticks till Sunday I am going to be one happy camper. By the skin of my teeth, if you know what I mean. But I don't think anything is 'real' until I see it Sunday morning, so I am kind of holding my breath in case it is taken away from me.

All is going well at work and home - I am wiped out still, though. So I'm finishing up here now and then I'll be having dinner shortly, and when the baby goes to bed I'll probably be turning in at the same time again tonight. Last night I 'went to bed' but I read for 3 hours so didn't end up with enough sleep still. I still have some to read but only about an hour's worth, so I'm hoping to be asleep by 9. I wouldn't be so nuts about reading but this book was due back to the library today and I couldn't stay up any more to finish it last night, so I have to finish it tonight and pay my nickel fine tomorrow. I'd renew it online but I owe a fine for another book (a whole dime - I'm a renegade) and so they've suspended my privileges. I hate the establishment!!!

[bikipatra]

- still compliant and I don't want to crow about it YET - but I saw a certain number today and man oh man, if it sticks till Sunday I am going to be one happy camper. By the skin of my teeth, if you know what I mean. But I don't think anything is 'real' until I see it Sunday morning, so I am kind of holding my breath in case it is taken away from me.
:

I hope it sticks and you have plenty of time to lose some more! Best wishes!

[nickieluv]

I dare not say it out loud, Biki - to lose more would be icing on the cake.

I am noticing that I have had to restrain myself from offering my daughter cookies and chocolate and popsicles and things a lot lately. I've got those animal crackers on my mind and every day I look at them....

Well, I suppose I could put them someplace where I don't have to look at them. That feels like being weak. If I start to feel real danger I will sock them away in some dark cupboard - but for now, I feel the urge and simply notice when it will be time for my next supplement and walk away. These 100 days have become very important to me. I want to see what will happen. I got discouraged last week somewhat - instant gratification is my standard MO of course - but these last two days I've lost more than in the last two weeks combined so now I'm all excited again.

And I did not actually get too elated at the number I saw today because I tend to fluctuate a lot during the week, even when I post good losses on Sundays. But at least I saw it, and I know it's possible and it's there waiting for me. It feels like crossing this huge threshold (does that have two 'h's?' And did I put my apostrophes in the right places when I typed 'h's?' Does anyone care besides me?).

I wasn't going to be back on tonight but I wanted to say that about wanting to offer my daughter all kinds of treats that I can't have. But she doesn't miss them, she hasn't gotten used to them, so I don't offer them. It's hard sometimes. I think part of me knows that in the past, I've gone off on a binge under the guise of getting her a snack and then eating it all myself - and part of me wants that to happen. But the conscious part of me is here and fighting and that will NOT happen. I even bought her a Taco Bell soft taco last night - I ordered only that ONE taco - and I was worried I was setting myself up for disaster on my first night alone - but all was well. However, maybe that's why I feel so hungry today and keep eyeing the cookies. So, just to be safe, I won't be doing that again.

If I don't end up going straight to bed, I'll probably have oatmeal with SF syrup for my last supplement to try to calm the sweet craving I seem to be having. And another liter of water.

[nickieluv]

Well, I DID go to bed and finish my book, but then saw I had a voicemail. The cast of the show I just finished made Build-a-Bears for the directors and they had left mine on the porch when I didn't answer the phone (I was putting the baby to bed). It's very cute and has a recording inside of the cast saying 'thank you.' I also found out tonight I won an award from the state theatre association for excellence in music direction. Of course they give out those awards like candy but still, an award - in spite of myself I'm tickled by it. Even though I really had nothing to do with the success of the show - I had a very talented cast and they made everything easy.

I've said that to a few people and they all say 'they had to have someone teach it to them.' And I wonder - do I say I had nothing to do with it just to get some compliments? It seems odd, because I say that in response to a compliment in the first place. I sometimes worry that my modesty can be seen by others as false. It really seems like no big deal to me, the things I do - it's just what I do, you know? It's not especially hard, I'm used to doing it - it comes naturally. It's like when I was a kid and my parents offered to give me money for my report card - a certain amount for 90s, another for 80s, that kind of thing. And I thought about it and then politely refused the money. I told them that I hadn't had to work very hard for my grades, so I didn't think it was fair to take money for them. (As a parent if my daughter said that to me, I'd be bursting with pride. But as a kid, I was just being honest.)

I guess it's all part of graciously accepting compliments. I have to remember that when you argue with someone who compliments you, it's like you're telling them they're an idiot and don't know what they're saying - and that's certainly very rude. I've gotten much better at simply saying 'thank you' when someone comments on my appearance - but when it comes to my work, I still can't handle praise very well. I'm always afraid that if I just say 'thank you,' I'll seem like I'm proud of myself or bragging or something. See, I don't think I really deserve the compliments, and if I say 'thank you,' the person will think I DO think I deserve it, and maybe think I think I'm hot stuff and am very full of myself. The more I type about this, the more it boils down to - I want to be liked and loved and accepted, and I judge every move I make and every word I say trying to decide if I will be accepted and loved and liked. And in the process of all that self-conscious scrutiny, I probably alienate people even more because they can sense my discomfort.

If I complimented someone, I would not want to have to defend my position to them as they said 'no, not really, it was nothing,' etc. A simple 'thank you' is all I'm ever looking for - so why can't I just say that to others?

I think I'm still dealing with fallout from being the 'smart kid' in school, never being popular because everyone was uncomfortable with me, except a very few people. Now this is funny - I was just thinking that I'm afraid if people knew that the things they admire me for came at little or no struggle to me, they would be jealous of me and not like me. And yet, by not accepting compliments and shrugging off praise as 'no big deal,' that's exactly what I'm doing - saying I don't value their praise because it was all just a walk in the park to me. I'm doing just what I'm trying to avoid.

Well. I guess all this came from somewhere - seems random but, it's an issue I deal with every week at church, accepting compliments on the service music. Maybe even more than not being liked, I'm afraid that if I seem to enjoy or revel in my charmed life too much, it will be taken away from me. Anything I love I am doomed to lose. (I tend to trace things back to my parents divorce - is that too cliche? I loved my father very much, more than anything, and I 'lost' him to another family. To a kid, it seemed like he was taken away, even though he made every effort to see me and we always kept a good relationship. And I was 15 - that should have been old enough to understand what was going on, but it seems I deal with the fallout from that, too, every so often.)

No one very close to me has died, I've gotten every job I ever interviewed for, school and grades were easy to me, I love my work, I've got a beautiful and intelligent daughter and a loving husband, a generous and kind family support system, and gifts and talents that I have the joy of using every day. It seems like too much. I feel like somewhere down the road, I'm going to have to pay for all this happiness. Even more now that I won't be fat anymore - that was like my penance. If I am so blessed and also thin - what will be the price?

[nickieluv]

to lose more would be icing on the cake.

That's an odd expression, isn't it? Do they even make cake without icing? The phrase denotes something unnecessary, an added bonus - but cake without icing? The icing is not a bonus, it's a requirement!

Or is that the decadent sugar-loving me talking? Seriously - ARE there cakes without icing, or did there used to be?

Yep, I need to go to bed.

[bikipatra]

Angel food cake. , you little devil.

[bikipatra]

No one very close to me has died, I've gotten every job I ever interviewed for, school and grades were easy to me, I love my work, I've got a beautiful and intelligent daughter and a loving husband, a generous and kind family support system, and gifts and talents that I have the joy of using every day. It seems like too much. I feel like somewhere down the road, I'm going to have to pay for all this happiness. Even more now that I won't be fat anymore - that was like my penance. If I am so blessed and also thin - what will be the price?

Nicks, I first read this at 3:30 in the morning and was still thinking about it when I woke up again despite the Hugh Hefner dream. But this is a totally serious message, not one of my ironic or snarky ones. I just have a question for you and a few thoughts. When God made you, made you so carefully he knew the number of hairs on your head, do you really think he said to himself, this one is too talented, let's keep her fat? God wants us to be happy, joyous and free, do you really believe that you have to pay for something that is your birthright? All he asks is that we love him and try to obey him. Like a good parent. I realize at some point along the road your worldview may have been twisted by painful parenting, losses or even feeling too blessed. And some day a little sorrow pours into everyone's life, but it won't be punishment or payment for wanting you to be the best Nickie you can be. I hope you will think about these things and maybe Mary could have said them better, but I really felt I needed to write to you.

[Tawanda]

Biki, I think you said it beautifully and I doubt anyone else could improve upon how you worded it.

Nickie, it does sound like you have a lot of blessings in your life. It is time to enjoy them, each of them, embrace them and be happy. Bad things do happen in everyone's life at some point and many people seem to have more than their share of heartache & hard times. But our faith takes us through those hard times and our hearts can still be content/happy for all of our other blessings.

Allow yourself to be ecstatic over your successes and achievements in life.........all of them, including your success in becoming more healthy, trim and fit. God is your biggest cheerleader as you take care of the body that he gave you.

Just my 2cents.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, you two. It's funny, I don't usually stop by here in the mornings lately because I know I don't have enough time to really read everything. But this morning I came on to check my journal and there was Biki's post - and now, tonight, Tawanda's.

I thought about what you said all day, Biki. And you made me cry this morning, actually. Maybe this is more of a religious faith issue. Because what I was crying at is the idea that God could love me so much when I do not deserve it. But that's the whole point. None of us deserve it - that is how great God's love is. He didn't have to send Jesus to die on the cross, but he did so that we could be saved - forgiven - live eternally. Maybe as a parent now I can have a different understanding of God than I have before. But I know even I could not come close to His love, as much as I adore and would lay my life down for my daughter. It's one thing to sacrifice your own life - could I sacrifice my child? It's earth-shattering, the significance of that sacrifice. But until I was a parent, I did not know what love was - and I can still not comprehend God's love.

I do live in fear of it all being taken away - this idea I have of balance, fairness, that for all my blessings there must be tragedy to even the score. How unfair it is that others have such trials, such hard lives, and I do not? But to scoff at God's gifts, to hold them at arm's length in fear of losing them - that's no way to treat a gift. You're right, He would want me to enjoy the gifts, make use of them, be a tribute to Him. Not be a sad, fat, lonely woman, but a joyful, healthy, vibrant and loving person. Someone who gives to others, who shares what she has, does not hoard it waiting for the other shoe to drop. Isn't that what my weight problem was? I hoarded food and emotions, storing them all inside myself, trying to make sure I had enough for the shortfall I was sure was coming.

I have always felt that God will provide - I do not tend to worry too much about money or any need, knowing that what I need will be there for me when I need it. Except, apparently, when it comes to love. I don't trust that love will always be there. It's been a problem in my marriage certainly. Now with my daughter, I love her with total abandon, no holding back. But with my husband, I withhold affection. I'm afraid of giving, not receiving, and therefore running out.

I suppose, looking back, my parents weren't very loving. That is to say, they loved me, and still do, and I have no doubt of it now nor do I recall doubting it as a child. But expressions of love were perfunctory, and sometimes tied up in food (OK, a LOT of times tied up in food). And I find myself doing that with my daughter. I have to fight, when she's upset, not to offer her food. I don't want to teach her that food will make her feel better - I want her to learn that she needs people in her life, not chocolate. And when we go shopping - as a kid I would always get a toy or a treat. And my dad worked at a grocery store so he was always bringing home food for us to share. So when we go out, it takes a lot of discipline not to load up the cart with sugary treats for my little girl. This last shopping trip I didn't do so well with that, actually, but I keep trying.

I guess this is all becoming sort of aimless, wandering introspection. I don't know that I have a point at this moment. But I am grateful to you, Biki and Tawanda, for taking the time to wade into my emotional quagmire and offer words of wisdom and hope. It truly helped me. There are many things I need to keep thinking about, and change may not happen immediately in my thoughts, but someday I might look back and see this as another turning point in my journey. Thank you.

[bikipatra]

You're very welcome Nickie and I am glad I could help.

[nickieluv]

Hey, on the weight loss front - I still have three days for my fickle scale to read higher numbers again, but I am putting some serious distance between me and my ticker. I am amazed every morning when I get on the scale, after giving myself the 'it's OK if it's a higher number than yesterday' pep talk. I'll take a 7-10 day stall if this is what I get at the end of it!!!!

[Karli]

WOOT WOOT (I sound like the Jays outside my window ) ...

happy to hear it, Nickie girl .

You are doing so well -- and, I don't just mean weight-wise. More than anything, you just seem so clear. Of course, I think it all comes together, but I will take that clarity and assurance over sheer weightloss anyday (of course, I didn't have it when I was Ms. 237.5 and above and that's because I wasn't happy with the direction of my life !). Big cheers to you, Nickie.

I didn't want to say it for awhile because I didn't want to add pressure for you (which I still don't want to do), but, seeing you get yourself on track like you have has been a really big help to me and helped me realize that I wasn't *actually* where I wanted to be and I needed to get back on track, too (that's when I came back).

Anyway, many cheers from my end of the Universe ... hee hee .