Warning: What follows is pretty dark. Please don't read if there is a chance I can bring you down
Okay...I was plainly getting cocky. I really thought I was on top of the world.
And now, after three days off the program, it's taking everything in me to drink this first giant glass of water and start the day right.
What happened? I honestly don't know what set me off. But here I am, five pounds up, and feeling ashamed.
I plan to stick close to home today, checking this board often, writing in my hard-copy journal and doing some serious thinking on why I would deliberately put myself through this.
On Wednesday, I got a call from my mom. She was scheduled to flip burgers at our track meet--a huge event my school hosts for our whole district. Her knee has become so sore, she had to back out. She was in tears, and I was angry. My mom is about 150 pounds overweight. Slowly, this extra weight is stealing her life. Bit by bit, nearly every activity that she enjoyed has become impossible. Her back hurts, her feet are too swollen, she's too tired.
And get this: I am the genetic replica of my mother. She said she could see it when I was first born. We have the same dimples on our butts. We have the same baby toenail that won't grow in right. We have the same space between two teeth on the left sides of our mouths, the same scoliosis in our backs, the same moles on our right thighs, the same big brown eyes...The same epic struggle to be thin.
So, how many people can see exactly how painful and empty life will be 20 years down the road if they don't pull it together? I already have a tingling feeling in my back and a creaky sound coming from my knee. And yet, I don't seem to learn from this awful lesson.
I want a better life for me. And I want a better life for my mother. I'm not ready to pack in all the fun we used to have together. And it's awful to think about this, but my mom's lifestyle is supported by the fact that she's married to a man who is well-off. I'm single, and I plan to stay that way, and I need to be able-bodied to keep a roof over my head.
This is insane. For me, this is a disease of privelege. I should have to live somewhere where there isn't enough water, never mind so much food that people can literally kill themselves with it. Maybe that would straighten me out.
Well, thus ends my rant. I got two glasses of water down.
Hope everyone has a good day.