by Lauren » January 9th, 2007, 2:14 pm
Thanks so much, peeps!
Kelee - try to find the things that you love about yourself, instead of being focused on things you envy in others. I truly don't know where this comes from, but I have never really been envious of other people. It's not to say that I may not admire certain traits in people, or totally acknowledge someone's gorgeous qualities, but I've never really envied them. Does that make sense? I've spent my life sort of hyper-aware about what was good in me and what wasn't as good. When I would look in the mirror, even at my fattest self, I still was able to see what was good. I can't explain it, but I almost think it was a self-preservation thing - like if I really saw the "big" picture, it may crumble me. But whatever the motivation, it enabled me to continue to feel great confidence in many areas of my life, while still acknowledging the parts that needed improvement.
The funny thing is that when I get dressed each day, I have always tilted my head slightly to the side when looking in the full length mirror. I swear, this must make me look thinner, because I've been doing it forever, and I definitely feel fatter looking straight on. And when I apply makeup, I sit on my bed with a little compact mirror, not a big giant mirror - so I focus on individual features, not the whole thing. I never made conscious choices to do these things, but I think it helped me not feel so huge all the time. That's why I was always surprised by myself in pictures - it was a glaring moment when I was reminded how big I was. I wouldn't see it in the mirror, but in a picture, whoa, it would be so apparent. So, I stopped posing in as many pictures. Problem solved! :-)
It all sounds like denial, but like I said, I think it's what kept my head on straight, and allowed me to live, and enjoy life as much as is possible when you're morbidly obese.
Think of all your tremendous qualities, the things about you that sparkle - both physical and within your character, and realize that those are amazing and admirable traits that make you worthy of self-confidence, self-love, and, what the heck, a little cockiness! Why not?
Lauren