Just a bit about myself.... tomorrow I turn 45 yrs old. I have two sons, one is 10 yrs old and one is 18 yrs old and has Down syndrome.
I've struggled with weight since my teen years, tho looking at pictures recently, I realized that in my teens and 20s, I wasn't really as heavy as I thought I was at the time.
Anyway, all thru the years, I dieted, fell off, gained back... the usual yo yo syndrome. I think I've lost and gained enough to make a whole nother person. About 3 years ago tho, I made a big lifestyle change and really felt like it was a change for life. I followed a program that was basically 6 small meals per day and 6 days a week of exercise. I did well on it, lost about 80 lbs. in about a year, with a starting weight of 302 lbs. It was hard work tho... omg. I was married at the time and my husband was very heavy, but not interested in losing weight. He supported my efforts, but I could tell it made him feel badly, which then made me feel guilty. Anyway, at the end of that year, i jogged/walked a half marathon, I felt so great, had so much energy, etc etc. After a few months, I started fudging more on the eating, almost like I felt like I was successfully 'beating the system' because I could cheat and still lose. Unfortunately, as we all know, this doesn't last long. I was still exercising, so I didn't gain back, but I definitely stopped losing.
Then 8 months ago, my husband died suddenly. He had a cut on his shin that became infected and he died from toxic shock syndrome as the toxins from the infection spread throughout his body. He was in the hospital for less than a day when he died, so it was very unexpected.
Needless to say, my world turned inside out and upside down. In the weeks shortly after his death, I gave myself permission to eat whatever, thinking that when things settled down, I'd get back on track. I wasn't exercising at all, I felt numb most of the time and wasn't sleeping well.
As time went on, life settled down, my boys and I figured out a different daily life, tho it was shrouded in pain and hurt and grief. I've spent much energy focused on my kids and helping them deal with their loss. My child with Down syndrome is taking this particularly hard and has needed so much special attention.
So how did I cope? Welllll I turned back to my familiar coping mechanism.... eating. I gave myself permission because life felt so hard... because I knew I could lose it.... cuz anytime now I'd start back exercising... yada yada yada. In the meantime, the pounds are packing back onto my body. The new clothes I'd bought are starting to not fit. My energy level is dropping. The downward spiral of my self induced failure has begun. The more it happens, the more I talk hateful to myself (omg the running dialogue is awful!), the worse I feel, and the more I turn to food, my familiar companion.
Then, a few days ago, I posted on a board on a different site about this downward spiral that I felt stuck in. I've been praying for a couple of weeks a very specific prayer, that I was realizing I was falling into this pit of not taking care of myself... that I knew I couldn't get out of it alone... and asked for God's help in bringing me to a place that I could make a change. The day after I posted, mellowmom responded, empathized, talked about a plan that had changed her life. It touched something inside of me and I asked for more info, she gave it, we talked, I started reading this forum and researching Medifast. The spark had been lit into a flame inside of me and I knew it was the right thing to do, it just felt right. I felt like my prayer had been answered.
So tomorrow is my birthday, I decided not to start on that day cuz I might want a piece of chocolate cake and a couple of beers (tho not together!). Funnily enough, neither of those things seem that important or appealing to me now. But anyway, I chose my start date as Sunday. The first day after my birthday being the birth of the new me. The me that is going to take care of herself, that is going to make a commitment to follow this plan, that is going to stick with it until I have the healthy body that I want.
I've been so inspired by reading everyone's posts here. We have so many things in common, but each with our unique gifts and challenges. It's a community that I'm so happy to be able to be part of.
Am looking forward to this journey with you.
Kendra
(now if i can just figure out these fancy emoticons and the whole ticker thing!)
Nice to have you here.
Finding the new me!!
Have a great day. Take care of yourself. Post if you need us. These next couple of days aren't so fun for most people...just stick with it and it will be over and you'll be feeling amazing.
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