The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Thanks, ladies, very much .

Nickie -- yes, I think that you are right regarding sticking around. In general, even in real life, I do have patterns of kind of drifitng in and out of my relationships and the kind of time I spend in them. Part of this is because sometimes I just need space to think for myself and remember who I am without whomever's voice echoing in my head -- and, it's not even that the people's thoughts are wrong or bad, sometimes I just need to hear my own.

But, then there is a whole other element to it. Sometimes I am just plain hiding, and that is indeed where I can get into trouble sometimes. I will admit, I am a pretty intense person and pretty moody at times, and some of my distancing from others has to do with the fact that I can start to tell when I may be too much.

However, my aim, at this point, is to stabilize myself a bit more. The more I know you guys and gals, the more I realize what kind of people you are. And, though I don't know you in person, I can tell that generally this is truly a very supportive group who truly wants what is best for each other -- I can get on board with that. And, I would like to be able to reach my goal weight and report in to roll call each Sunday and say that I am maintaining my weight...

Awhile back I knew that I couldn't do that. I knew that I could stay in a ball park, but I knew I couldn't even fathom staying on one number (or thereabouts) week after week, month after month. But, I think that is exactly what I am seeking now ... I think that at least if nothing else, I am willing to try and am finding some form of confidence in that direction.

But, since I have felt the need to sometimes do things "my own way," I have sometimes felt that it's best if I just stay away. Some of that has to do with the fact that I feel easily judged, in general. I think, though, that I am starting to better grasp the character of the people here, and the atmosphere of the place in general.

Well, I don't know if this is making much sense ... but, there that stuff is anyway.

[bikipatra]

You made perfect sense and back in November I started Medifast as a part of a whole regimen to stabilize myself, along with my mental and addictive issues. (Don't you love that word! ) I didn't think Medifast would make me more sane or help me not drink but in a way it has. Last time I had a craving for booze I thought "I am not ruining the 100 day challenge for myself!" I am sure there was more to it than that-but it definitely helped. The friends on this board have helped me with my tendency to isolate too. Funny how it has all come together.

[Karli]

Hi, Biki. Yeah, I definitely understand the part about it all coming together (or kind of "at once"). I guess, I feel that support is very valuable and very good, but as with almost everything in my life, I like to make sure that I am not falling into something where I am doing whatever I am doing simply to please others ... or simply to be in some kind of favorable opinion in their eyes. A big part, if not the biggest part, of my weight issues has to do with the need for me to finally just be me and stop trying so hard to please others -- it can be a very fine line, even here on this forum.

In the end, I am the one who has to be able to maintain my own healthy habits and the physique that comes with that, nobody else. In essence, I feel that I shold value health enough to not want to ruin it for myself vs. not wanting to ruin it because of what other people might think of me. However, there is a reason I came back here, finally. I was not cutting it in my own little world anymore. I needed something to get me past the hump that I kept walking to the top of and then sliding back down, and I will admit that coming back here and posting about where I was at, knowing that people would probably be seeing it, helped.

The first few days back on program were difficult to an extent, in the respect that the slide seemed to be a possibility, but having already been back here and taken responsibility in myself for where I was at was just what I needed to keep me from completely sliding ... again. But, I think the point is, it just was the right time and the right circumstances for me then, just like starting this meal plan happened to be the exact right fit for my weightloss and habit changing desires. I think sometimes the commitment to others is just perfect since we are ready to make that commitment to ourselves, and including others in that is part of our commitment to ourselves.

But, if I am not ready to commit to myself, then I am certainly not ready to commit to others -- and at that point I feel forced to go with the lesser of the two "evils" -- should I stay around (in this case I mean it more general in relation to life and the things we do in life) and feign commitment to what I am doing so that others may hold a certain opinion of me ? OR, should I be on my own for awhile and clear my head and find out what I really need and want ? -- I don't know what that answer is all the time. But, I think at some point what I needed just kind of took over, similar to how it has taken a swing back here and it seems I need to be here for awhile again.

I think that the bottom line is, to me, that we are all individuals who actually know ourselves fairly well. And, sometimes we make mistakes. While I know that the program is what it is, and I certainly respect it and I do see the importance of just sticking to it as written, there is a whole mental game involved for all of us, and that's where the individual needs play a bit of a role.

Right now, my individual need is to stay perfectly on program and to be here on this forum in as much as it helps me and helps others. That is MY need -- so, here I am. Right now, I recognize that if I am taking bites off program, I am cheating not the program, but myself -- however, I haven't always felt that way. And, I think it needs to come to that, or some form of that, in order for the program (any program) to really work for the individual.

Well, these are just thoughts. In the past I have sometimes felt the need to be defensive, and I apologize for that.

In other news, I am happy to report that I am another pound down today. I will actually change my ticker now since I have decided it is a good way for me to take things one day at a time.

I do love you all .

[nickieluv]

And we love and value you, too.

I understand about it needing to be about you, not us. I seem to be needing that external push right now myself, in terms of the challenge - but actually, while the first few days were about not letting down my fellow challengers, now it is more about me. Even if no one else were doing it, I would keep it up. Now that 100 days is stuck in my head and for once my obsessiveness is working in my favor by making me want to reach that goal more than anything.

Hey, I've wandered and nibbled and flat out wallowed in food a lot while supposedly trying to lose weight here - the important part is knowing what works for you, and coming back to it when you need to. It's a journey, like you've told me often, and an individual one as you said. But I think this place exists for support, not judgement, although some people see it as judgement. It's all perception. Letting go of worrying about what others think has been part of my journey, too, and actually being totally honest here has helped that, even when I thought what I said would get me kicked off.

Well, anyway, there's my random thoughts for the moment. Oh, and I could never update my ticker daily - it goes up and down too much, I'd scream!

[DogMa]

And speaking as a maintainer who posts ... I'm glad it helps others, but frankly, I AM here mostly for the selfish reason that it helps me. Whether it's the daily reminder of how far I've come or seeing my weight right there on the screen for me and everyone else to look at or something else, it's definitely helped me stay on track and made the past 11 months (it'll be a year on Aug. 15!!!) fly by.

So I definitely recommend that people try to stick around once they hit maintenance, even if it's just to post once a day (or once a week in roll call). It'll help you AND it'll help others.

And Karli, as for the food, you have to do what works for you. If right now that's following the plan to the letter, great. If at some point it's not, well, great for that, too. We're all different and we all have to follow our own path to goal. For some, it's a nice, straight smooth road. For others, there are lots of bumps and potholes, or even a few detours. The destination's just as wonderful either way.

[Lizabette]

Hey, MISS KARLI,
The fact that I post my weight each day helps me to keep on track with my aim of maintaining my weight...for a lifetime!
But I'd be mighty disappointed if I didn't think that it was helping others to believe that maintenance is not an impossible dream, but is a real possibility!
I'm not worried what people think, but I would hope they think well of me.
It is easy to see that most people on the forum are here to be supportive and not at all judgemental.
After all, we are all on the same side in this war against obesity, ill health and all sorts of bad stuff we go through.
Well, anyway, we all empathize with each other in ways that others not in the same boat with us can possibly do.
I'm glad you're back, KARLI. Above all, I want you to succeed.
The inspiration of you succeeding will strengthen our motivation to succeed.
None of us are an Island unto ourselves.

[Serendipity]

Karli,

I'm glad you're back. This forum has helped me to stay on track even when I didn't want to in my warped little mind.

I've had a challenge keeping my mind in the right place lately. Even though I have been able to maintain, it's a struggle that I need to accept as life long.

My buds here help me to keep it real.

[Lauren]

Hey, Karli! I don't get a chance to post as much as I'd like, but I just wanted to make sure you knew how pleased I am to see you around again. And while I totally understand the desire or need to sometimes hide from life (and I COMPLETELY understood your whole comment about feeling like you're too much for others!), I find that the times you want to hide are often the times you need to be around others the most. While I am not claiming that we all have mental health issues, I do believe that for those of us with varying types of eating disorder, whether it's compulsive overeating, binge eating, bulimia, whatever, there exists underlying "head" issues - it's not about the food, and we all know that. And it seems that, for me, I tend to want to be more reclusive when my head issues feel more significant, and then if I am alone, I am stuck in my head too much. I like to think that's good for me, but the reality is usually that letting your friends and family take you "out of your head" for a while may just be more healthy.

This is not to say that alone time isn't good. I LOVE and NEED my alone time, it's what keeps me sane. But there's a huge difference from being alone and hiding. You know what I mean, right? Anyway, this is a totally rambling stream of consciousness post, all of which is meant to say - happy to have you back, perhaps the next time you are considering going into hiding again, you push back on the urge and force yourself out (not just on the forum, but in life), and I wish you lots of success in your ongoing journey!

Ciao, bella!

lauren

[dede4wd]

Karli,
I'm so glad you're back on program and back posting. Your words have given me a lot to think about and I've been hiding as well. I'm all caught up on your journal and am so happy for you!

DeDe

[bikipatra]

While I am not claiming that we all have mental health issues, I do believe that for those of us with varying types of eating disorder, whether it's compulsive overeating, binge eating, bulimia, whatever, there exists underlying "head" issues - it's not about the food, and we all know that. lauren

Raises hand followed by an "Amen!"

[Karli]

Hi, guys. I want to say that I really appreciate each and every one of your posts here. It really helps my perspective to have had you express your thoughts. It's true, Lauren, there is a difference between alone time and hiding ... at least I think there is. And, I will admit that sometimes I think things are good for me that are actually not.

I think I am starting to trust you all enough to be out more, even when I feel like hiding -- I will try.

Today, I am exhuasted. I haven't been sleeping that great and I woke up at 4:30am, not being able to get back to sleep. Internet was down all day yesterday, and, as it turns out, I had bigger struggles yesterday with eating, too.

I ate 2 bars, and extra cottage cheese as well as a PB snack. It's obviously nothing horrible, but it's not the program and it's not what I want. As a result, I stayed the same weight between yesteray and today (which I will take over a gain, but still).

Today is a little screwy so far since I woke up so early and I will be out all day and evening in a bit. I ate my first suppy at 5:30am, my second one (which was already my bar) at 9 am (which was too late) and my third one, which was my L/G at 10:30am. My L/G was HUGE because I made a scramble and used kirkland egg beaters, whcih the quickstart guide says to use 2 cups of . I didn't eat it all because it was a ridiculous amount of food, but I felt stuffed and gross anyway.

Overall, I plan to have 6 suppies today since I woke up so early -- unless I space things differently throughout the day. I ate my third meal when I did to try to be more at my regular meal times, just to keep it mentally simple.

Anyway, I will not be on much today, but I want to be compliant -- that is for sure ! So, any compliant vibes you have, just let 'em out into the world and I will put my net out .


Thanks so much !
Karli

[bikipatra]

Very well rested so sending all the compliance waves I have in your direction!

[Karli]

Thanks, Biki (and all who sent their vibes ).

I did indeed have a compliant day yesterday, without really any struggles -- though, I was up for so long during the entire day that I ended up having 7 suppies plus my L/G . Woke up at 4:30am, went to bed about 2am .

Anyhoo, I am down another pound from yesterday -- I'll take it !

*moves ticker to 171*

[bikipatra]

Good for you, Karli Karl!

[DogMa]

Two cups of the Kirkland stuff? That's what I use every day, but I can't eat more than a cup at a time (and then only if I bake it into a fritatta) - but I add a little low-fat cheese to it along with the veggies.