The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Tawanda]

Karli, it sounds to me like you've learnt through this battle and the next time you are faced with like circumstances, you will remember. Maybe the outcome will be the same, but if that happens, it sounds like your resolve and your acknowledgement that 'food doesn't comfort and food doesn't solve my feelings' is going to make you a winner over it in the future.

I'm sending you good thoughts....your honesty and sharing is helping others as you work through this to help yourself......thanks for sharing.

[JonnaD]

Karli, well here are my two cents - you are a hero to us -not because you are so terribly brave or always make the right decisions. When you goof up you admit it, pick yourself up and start again.

That's what's important. You stopped before you regained much of the weight. It's still manageable.

It seems to me, you are angry at yourself because you aren't perfect - Sweetie, only one perfect person ever walked on this earth and He wasn't you and He wasn't me.

Just do what you did, come to the forum and share. Because you help us by sharing your failures as well as your successes. That let's us know, even if we don't get everything right the first time, we can pick ourselves up and rejoin the journey to a healthier life.

I hope things go better for you and you learn to appreciate yourself as much as we do.

[Karli]

*warning, heading into epic posting territory *

Well, lots of thoughts this morning. After spending the last 24 hours sick to my stomach and head because of my decision to go off-plan, I am ready to be really honest here (though a little scared).

First of all, I want to thank you wonderful women for your posts. I have to say, I pretty much thought, once again, that maybe people would just slowly back away and give up on me. But, I should know better than that by now. I feel a bit like a jumbled up box of string, but I know that it's all going to be okay. Maybe I need to unwind some stuff, but it's all going to be okay.

I don't really know where to start, so I am just going to jump right in the water ! Yesterday I made myself go on my hike with doggy, as I had been planning to do (and promising doggy I would do) all week long. Well, I knew I wasn't going to be able to burn off everything that I ate in that one hike, and so even though the exercise might help me a bit in that realm, burning off the food was not why I was doing it. Keeping my good habits was the reason.

When I was hiking yesterday, after I posted in here, I felt like such a slug. And, it wasn't just mental. My stomach ached and my body felt fatigued and I couldn't walk very fast, let alone try to run like I like to do when I feel like I can and had been doing for the past two weeks. My system was so busy dealing with and recovering from the food I had put into it, it couldn't do much of anything else -- which is pretty much how I permanently felt before I MF'd my life ! And, along those lines, something I have been thinking about lately is how health attracts healthy habits, and healthy habits attract health -- whereas ickyness attracts more ickyness. When I am feeling poopy, it seems I go ahead and wallow in it for awhile, often just piling more poopyness right on top of myself with my thoughts and actions.

Anyway, on my hike I was sorting through a bunch of stuff as I often do on my hikes. A couple of things seemed to come clear for me.

1. I have grown to really need this forum and you people on here. I have come to think of you as my friends and supports. And, I have spent the last couple of weeks trying not to need you. It's my closeness issues flaring up. And my pride. I have been letting pride rule parts of me, a bit, over these last couple of weeks.

2. I realized very clearly that the reason I ate off-program this weekend is because I gave myself permission to do it. As a matter of fact, when I am really, truly honest about it all, I could say I was even planning to do it on some level. This was all sub-conscious, but, present none-the-less. I had stuff calculated out and since Sundays are my regular 5/1 days, I had, at one point during the week, decided that if I were going to go off-plan, Friday and Saturday would be the day to do it since I would spend that Sunday in 5/1 no matter what. I did go into the weekend hoping and wishing to make it through without a problem, but simple impatience is also part of this mix.

So, impatience. Yep, that's a big part of this for me. I feel impatient. I want things NOW -- and I don't just mean food. I mean, I want to weigh 155 NOW ! And, I want to be my fittest self, NOW !! And, I want to be in maintenance NOW !! And, the more I mess things up for myself, the more impatient I become because my messing things up sets me back. I could have been at goal and into maintenance months ago. Well, there is nothing I can do about that now except for keep going. I never planned to take as long as I have, but, really it hasn't been THAT long considering the work I have done on myself. But, I do see the need for an attitude adjustment.

Well, it will take me at least this entire week to undo the damage I did over this weekend, and if I set myself back again next weekend, which has been my trend lately, I will just have to undo, again, what I have been undoing for weeks now. And, that is where I wonder "why do I do this to myself ?" -- I really just don't know why I let myself stall like this.

It's as though these past couple of weeks I have been a different person during the week -- when I am working out and eating right. I have been somebody that I have longed to be and wanted to be. But, this person is such a contrast to the girl who allows herself to wallow in her sadness and anger by stuffing food, that it's actually a bit scary and confusing.

Anyway, it's not that I need to just not go off program, it's that I need to not give myself permission to do so. And, that seems a lot trickier to me because it can't be anybody else's voice in my head telling me this -- it has to be between me and God -- in order for it to really resonate with me. I guess, though, that does sometimes come through others, and, okay, I won't push you wonderful people away from me. You can tell me whatever you feel you need to tell me, and I will work on humility and listen.

Well, time to get ready for churchy church. I have more to say, of course, but that will be later I guess.

[bikipatra]

People change because of their OWN pain and their OWN God, not anybody else's. All I have to say.

[nickieluv]

Karli, have you thought about just going into maintenance, since that's where you want to be? Tony is still losing and he's headed into phase 3 of transition this week. And with all the working out you want to do, you will tone and tighten along the way and maybe find your way to 155 - or maybe 155 is not your best weight. Maybe it's 162.5 and even though you may not like that number, you are going to be so fit that it won't be about the numbers anymore. It's about how you feel and what your body can accomplish. Maybe it's time to let go of weight-loss MF and head into life with MF.

[Pashta]

Nickie said it perfectly; I agree. Maybe it's time to transition.

[Karli]

Thanks, Ladies.

Nickie, yeah. I have thought of this. And, I am really glad you brought it up because I have let myself get all tied up in knots about it (why not ? ). I decided last Tuesday to start my transition, but I messed myself up last weekend, too, and so I spent the week burning off the bloat from that. And, I got to 162, even, on Friday -- and that was with horrible sleepies.

Everything has been all messed up. I haven't been sleeping right for like 3 weeks now... anyway, that's an aside. But, I am pretty sure that is messing with me, big time, on top of having serious workouts and having started last week close to starvation-mode because I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing . And, that was perpetuating my sleeplessness. Then, Friday I woke up at 4am (very normal, lately (waking anytime from 1-4 and not going back to sleep) and never went back to sleep. But, I waited until about 5:30am to eat, and then I went and worked out really, really hard, and then went for my hike with doggy. Well, I didn't fuel it right and I *completely* bonked, feeling like I could barely make it back to the car just walking ... LOL.

Anyway, I had to fight back the ravenous feeling all day on Friday, and finally caved after my second to last meal and just kept going yesterday.

Argh. Okay. So, as I was saying, last Tuesday I started my transition with phase 1, adding another cup of veggies to my diet. And, I kept losing, and I got skinnier feeling between still being in ketosis and my workouts, and I was considering adding the fruit yesterday. But, I thought that maybe I ought to just stick it out and see if I can keep going to 155. It seemed that I was still losing with my ammended plan.

Anyway, I just feel a little confused as to what to do next. I noticed that Tony is still losing, even going into phase 3 of trasition, and that gives me hope. Ideally I want to get back into ketosis today and this week and burn off the bloat that I know I have caused because of this weekend.

I am feeling a lot of stupid things in relation to transitioning off for reals. For one, I am scared. I am not always scared, but right now I am. I get scared that I am just going to gain every ounce of not just my fat back, but that old life, too. I can't even begin to explain how much better my life has become because of this journey. Also, when I read other people's journals and the people who are still working on the weightloss portion of the program, I start feeling left out, somehow. It's stupid, but it's how I feel. The other thing is this sense of pride. I want to see the 80# below my name. And, that is really stupid because all it means is that I waited longer to do something about my weight problem, but for some reason the higher number seems like something to be proud of . Plus, if I just go off now, it seems anticlimatic. It's not like I reached some specific place where I can say "I MADE IT !" But then again, maybe I will never actually reach 155 with all of my working out and so on. I just don't know anything right now.

Argh. I am doing well on my 5/1 today, but I am feeling utterly confused right now about my next steps.... and I just feel stuck, stuck, stuck and all tied up in knots in my head. Can you tell ? Probably not an ounce of clarity in this here post .

[Karli]

Okay, just a note. I have decided that I am not going to make this decision about transitioning off until I am clear-minded and in ketosis again. The soonest I would add fruit is next Saturday and my current diet while working out already includes the first phase of transition, the additional cup of veggies. So, until I get this week under my belt, I am not going to worry about it (or at least try not to).

It's funny what a single meal can do for a person. I was feeling particularly goofy before I ate my L/G, and now that I have eaten it, I feel quite a bit better. Also, I need more sleep. And, once I get back into ketosis, get back to my workouts this week (going on week 3), I know I will be feeling better and more normal and that I won't be feeling so utterly confused. The confusion does not have to be a permanent state of mind.

Also, I think I am going to try to stay away from the scale until Friday (which is becoming my favorite weigh in day). Not just because I know it will be up and that I don't need to see these numbers right now, but also because I think the anticipation of weighing in each morning is messing with my sleep and the things that I need. I have been consistently waking up thristy and in need of another shake in the wee hours of the mornings, and instead of depriving myself because of weighing in the morning, I am just going to drink water and a shake if I need, instead of worrying about that. I am also hoping it takes some stress off of my sleepies.

So, here's hoping to good sleepies ... ! And, I want to apologize for being so self-involved for these past few weeks. I just feel like I have needed to really focus on what I am doing. It's been great, but a big effort, too.


Cheers,
Karli

[bikipatra]

Karli, you are sounding a lot more reasonable and in control than in your last post. I think you need to prove to yourself you have the control you lost and a few good days of 5-1 is perfect for that. Best wishes.

[bikipatra]

Oh, I had to add, I noticed you stole my sleeping schedule without asking. I will kindly take it back.

[SuzyQ66]

Hi Karli - Just wanted to stop by and say that I am thinking about you. It sounds like you had a rough weekend but you are on the path to success. I hope you have a great week and continue to enjoy your workouts.

[Lizabette]

1. .... And, I have spent the last couple of weeks trying not to need you. It's my closeness issues flaring up. And my pride. I have been letting pride rule parts of me, a bit, over these last couple of weeks.

Don't even think it, pal!

[Serendipity]

Karli Karl, Your comment about hitting goal, hits home for me. There was something about hitting that mark that I just had to experience. My hubby was really after me to stop and I was getting pressure from friends and family, too. But I just had to hit that mark. I had been working towards a goal for too long to stop short. Though it was only a few pounds, to me it was the top of the mountain! At 3 pounds to go, my hubby sat me down and tried to reason with me. HAA! It wasn't until I really opened up to him about the symbolism of hitting my mark, that he got off my case and let it happen.

Now, I'm so glad I did it that way. My goal weight is my upper limit. I hear sirens go off in my head when I get near that number. I know it was symbolic, but it was very very important to me to hit my goal.

[Nancy]

Jo, Thanks so much - you said just the things I was thinkin' about.

Karli, you are nearly there. It takes a while for the innard thoughts to catch up with the outter visions.
People usually do lose a couple during transition and maintenance.

You are very active - making great choices, you are in health mode.

You know what? - having an 80 or a 50 or a 10 under your name is a badge of honor - when a person is overweight, each extra pound they drop is a good thing - it brings them closer to being their healthier best.

Just because some people have bigger numbers under their names doesn't mean they are more cool than you (Sorry Jo! and you other century losers). You have done a tremendous thing
1. first and foremost for yourself! The quality of your life is improved!
2. for your family and friends because most likely now that you are no longer overweight, you will live longer - you have gifted them with more time to hang out with wonderful you!
3. for the readers or MakeMeThinner - you have encouraged and assisted others on their journey to health and wellness.

I see that 70 club flashing brightly and it says to me, That red-haired beauty worked hard, she knows how it feels to make difficult choices, to get her fabulous bod movin’ and she is now doing things she couldn’t do before. I like what I see in you, Keri.

Now just keep hiking, slugging down the water, trotting with the doggies, eating every couple of hours and standing around lookin’ thinny!

[Serendipity]

Actually, Nancy, I see my husband struggle with 20 pounds and it makes me feel lucky that I had so much to lose. I really think it was easier for me because the motivation was there. I really admire someone who can take off 25 pounds when that's all they have to lose.