The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

Karli, I was just considering what a victory it was that you wanted to overeat VEGETABLES. And you didn't even have to do that. Isn't that a change from where most of us started?

[Karli]

Karli, I was just considering what a vistory it was that you wanted to overeat VEGETABLES. And you didn't even have to do that. Isn't that a change from where most of us started?

Hi, Biki . Thanks, yeah, I guess it's a change. But, I suppose I have a tendency to second guess myself "is it real and lasting and something I can count on ?" type of thing.

But, been thinking today. Thinking and thinking .... .

I am realizing very much that I have an appetite for life. I want adventure. I don't want to be constantly putting my life in danger, but I want the kind of experiences that really make me appreciate life and grow because of them. That is the kind of life I want to live. When I really let myself accept this and feel this truth within me, I feel such a zest that I cannot explain.

What I have also realized is that I am often frightened by my own desire to live. It's so huge somtimes that I feel like I don't know what to do or how to go about living out what it is that it seems I want. I am working on that, for sure.

As a side note, and along those lines, Nickie, I will add that I don't claim to be "anywhere" in particular with my life; professionally nor in any other way. The only discernable "place" I am at with it, is on the right path, and that's enough for me.

In getting back to what I started talking about, as I turn my gaze from food and eating to life itself, I realize how much I have been hiding behind food, eating, and fatness. My adventures became about textures and flavors, instead of performing, for example. Funnily enough, it was never truly satisfying nor fulfilling. It never gave me the actual adventure I was really looking for; it never gave me the life that I really wanted and it never will.

I would like to engage my imagination in how I can better express my adventureous spirit. I would like to express more creativity than holding food accountable for my well-being has allowed me to do.

As I am working to accept that my life of eating will be limited to eating simply for the sake of staying alive, I realize the need to further turn myself to the life I really want to be living... and that's scary and exciting at the same time. I am going to make mistakes, but I will learn from them. I will be faced with challenges that I don't always know how to instantly solve, but I will learn from them. Sometimes I will be afraid, but I will turn to Truth and accept guidence. Sometimes I will hurt, but I will turn to Love and accept comfort. Food is not my god. It has never had the power to give me the life that I want, nor will it ever have that power. I know where that comes from, and it's NOT in eating.

I realize that sometimes there will be setbacks and things won't be exactly as I would like for them to be. Perhaps I will work to keep these setbacks in check, at least. For example, I find myself suddenly faced with the temptation these last few days to eat what is not on program. I guess I feel angry about that because just last week I did not have the same urges and challenges. But, perhaps instead of letting this anger rule me, I will work to learn a new skill now. Instead of acting on these impulses, I will divert them to living my life in some way that I am actually deeply craving. That is my vow for this week and my way of staying compliant no matter what. I will focus on learning this skill this week, and at the end of the week, whatever the scale is going to read, my setback will have been in needing to continue to confront these same sorts of urges, instead of having them and then following through with them. There's a big difference there.

When I think about the life that I want to be living, there are some specific things that I can see on the horizon, but it has more to do with wanting a deeper form of preparedness for whatever I may be faced with in life. That IS my life. And, though my eating may have taken a route that seems more limited, eating is not my very being, it's not my very life, and therefore limiting that one factor does not somehow limit my life and ability to live it. And, as a matter of fact, keeping this balance in my life actually provides me greater strength, courage, and freedom in living the life I truly want to live.


Thoughts for now.

Karli

[Taangrl21]

You have 9.5lbs till goal Karli, thats great!!! I am so happy and excited for you!!!

[bikipatra]

You have 9.5lbs till goal Karli, thats great!!! I am so happy and excited for you!!!

Definitely amazing and an inspiration to us all!

[Karli]

Thanks, Debra and Biki. You two are very cute and helpful !!

Well, okay, enough with all that garb up there, I am going to just get moving here in my life. I might try the full fast today, we'll see, but I will be busy and out all day long that it would probably be the most convenient anyway. The only two meals I could have a L/G would be first thing or last thing, and I am pretty sure I don't want it first thing (I guess I could also have it for my 10 'o clock too, but I want to try the fully today, I think).

I am currently celebrating my compliance since New Year's Day. Yippeeee !! Weighed in at 169 even this morning. I went for a brisk walk yesterday after losing my temper and slamming the door behind me ... LOL (it was really time for me to get outside). Hubby is very understanding sometimes. I might try to get myself out there again as soon as the temp reaches at least the 20's . I am just having the desire to run lately, if it weren't for the ice everywhere I would maybe be out there as soon as possible. But, I may stick with a brisk walk in the meantime.

Plan for the day :

7 -- MF eggs
10 -- Shake
12:30 -- Bar
3:30 -- RTD
6:30 -- Shake
9 -- Choco pudding

Cheers to All .
Karli

[nickieluv]

Karli;

You have so much to be proud of. You are really doing the hard work to make a new and permanent life for yourself (permanent not meaning that you'll stick in a rut somewhere else, but a permanent introspection and drive to be the best you can and have the life you deserve).

You have once again given me a morsel to ponder, so I will go do that in my own space and not clutter yours.

Have a wonderful day - if you were here you would definitely not be getting that walk in. Total white out all morning! But do they cancel school? No.... Darn new superintendent trying to prove he's all business....

[DonicaB]

In getting back to what I started talking about, as I turn my gaze from food and eating to life itself, I realize how much I have been hiding behind food, eating, and fatness.

Karli

Karli~I have been thinking a great deal lately about this very issue of hiding behind food and fatness. I'm glad you brought it up. I often wonder just what I am hiding from. I feel like I don't know myself very well sometimes because I'm not sure what I am hiding from. Why have I been afraid of living life without living it from behind food and fatness?

You do a great job of really working out the issues. I love to read your posts because you present very thought provoking expressions.

DonicaB

[Karli]

Sometimes I get this strange feeling about posting all of these thoughts here, and sometimes I feel like I don't fit into some outline of the ideal way things "should" go, but then I look at my life and none of those people or things are here; it's just me and my life (and the things/people that this life includes for me) and in the end, it's up to me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue to find my way. As much as people like to say how things can or should be done, nobody else is actually going to do it for me, nor is anybody else even interested in doing it for me, because each of us have our own battles in life, and that alone takes the majority of our energies.

What/who is it, exactly, that I feel I am "fighting" against when I speak as
I have above ?

I have no idea, really. I suspect that it is mostly my own perception of how people may view me and my efforts in life, and my own comparison with others (which is always a very slippery slope). And, whether those perceptions include faces and voices that are not my own, in the end, I think I am mostly battling with my own wishes and expectations with my sense of "perfection." I sometimes think I want to be perfect. Yet, I can't even truly define what that even is; not with my head, not with a pencil and paper, not with my music, not with my marriage, not with my home, not even with my eating.

So, why is it so important to be "perfect" ? And more importantly, why in the world would an individual *ever* set out to strive for something that is truly, humanly, and utterly unattainable ? Just to aim high and end up somewhere "higher" than before, though not where we intended to be ?

I suppose over the years I have "ended higher" at times, however, I have also sunk pretty low in my efforts to achieve "perfection." And, anymore, I am caused to puase a bit in this particular way of thinking, because I have been through "the washer" enough to know that there must be something unenlightened about this particular approach of mine. Currently, I am left with the decision that perhaps it is not perfection which is unattainable, but more our perceptions of perfection, which are always limited, and which are, in fact, unattainable.

So, what do I strive for now ?

I suppose I strive for a better understanding of what perfection already is. I strive for a deeper connection to this understanding, and I long to be in harmony with it. I strive to live a harmony that pervades my every thought and action, and whose by-product is satisfaction and fulfillment.

Q : Do I deserve this ?

A : The jury is still out on that one.

Q : Am I committed to this ?

A : No, not in every moment. But it's certainly something that keeps coming up in my life and something that I can't seem to ignore forever, nor forget about altogether. So, maybe I ought to pay attention. Sometimes it just plain scares me though.

Q : Why am I writing all of this out and posting it here ?

A : It's quite simple, really : Because I can. And, because it feels important to me right now.


Cheers to All,
Karli

[Karli]

Thank you very much for stopping by and for your kind words, Nickie and Donica .

Weighed in at 169.5 again today. That is up a half pound from yesterday, and basically I have stayed the same for four days now. Right now, I am okay with this. And, I know that some of my friends are struggling with longer stints than this, and their strength inspires me.

I went for a brisk(ish) walk through the snow yesterday. School is cancelled today, but that doesn't really affect me unless students decide not to travel to me because of the snow and ice. I did end up eating my L/G yesterday as I didn't end up being out all day, and I felt like this would help me remain compliant. Which, again, I did accomplish yesterday. However, I feel the need to think less and less about whether or not I am compliant, whether or not I am losing weight... all of this.

This is all important to me, however, it is not something that I wish to have take up *all* of my energies, thoughts and feelings each day. To me, that has little inward difference than allowing my old eating habits to fill my thoughts all day long. So, I am shifting my focus even more now to my living, which is not synonomous with my eating. Eating is a natural function, and right now my life is such that I do not have to spend my entire existence devoted to and worrying about my next meal, though I realize this is not the case in all places of the nation and the world. I will accept this gift with gratitude, and I will continue to focus on living my life in a way that I feel honors this gift, and in a way that this gift allows me.


Eating Plan for the day :

7 -- chai latte
10 -- Oatmeal or eggs
1 -- shake
4 -- bar
6 -- L/G
9 -- choco pudding

[Karli]

Well, I woke up ravenous this morning and had some ravenous moments yesterday, however, the scale has been the same now since Sunday... hee hee. I guess I saw it coming after having lost 5 pounds last week, but at this rate, I am right on track with my original goals and timeline.

These same friends of ours whom I ever first went off plan with have tentatively invited us up to their cabin in the mountains this weekend. We will be there for dinner and spend the night, and then go x-country skiing the next day. Well, I have never had the guts to tell them that I need to have veggies with my meal, or to specify that I definitely need to have some kind of grilled meat vs pizza. I know that if I want to stay on program this weekend, I am going to have to be able to do this or I will just have to bring my own... or sit there eating an MF something while the four of us dine.

So, I am just going to have to find this in me to say something , that is my challenge with this. I had made a decision after a point over my christmas break that I would do the best I could to eat L/G in the various situations I was in, but that if we went somewhere that they just didn't have it, that I would graciously eat whatever they served in the wisest proportions. BUT, I will say, going off plan *really* stinks so I would really rather not leave my fate up to any question marks about what I am going to be eating with my friends. I just don't know a polite way to bring it up.

Along these lines, the choir I sing in will be doing a fundraiser this weekend at a local vineyard where wine and food will be served as we sing. This will be another good time for me to remain on plan even in other circumstances.

I am realizing that life is such that if I want to eat a certain way and take care of myself, I am really going to have get tougher at standing up for what that is. There are so many other foods that are served everywhere. This is an area I just need to grow in, I guess.

Strictly on an MF note, I have been compliant but as I mentioned above, the scale is not moving. However, I have had soy crisps each day (though I have been a very good girl with these, too) and I am thinking I will try to cut those out today. Sometimes I feel like I just so much enjoy this little snack, but, if I can't decide to cut them out one day and have that kind of control over my decisions regarding food then I need to pay attention to that. I guess I so easily get attached to food . One thing I have been better about is in saving my bar for later in the day. There was a period in which I was having them first thing in the morning every morning. That's just not necessary.

Anyway, plan for the day :

6 -- shake
9 -- oatmeal or MF eggs
12 -- soup
3 -- shake or RTD
6 -- L/G or RTD or shake (depends on rehearsal)
9 -- choco pudding

[Lauren]

Morning, Karli-

The trip to your friends' place this weekend is easy. Since you will be their guests, it's likely you'd want to bring something to thank them for having you. So why not pick up a bottle or two of wine, and then cut up a TON of veggies and make a dip, and present them with wine and a crudite platter! Then you know that there will be veggies there, guaranteed!

I do believe you should take this opportunity, however, to speak up and mention your eating situation. It's not anything that needs to inconvenience them, you're just finding out what they plan on preparing, offering to bring stuff, and letting them know you might deviate a bit from their meals. No biggie. If you need to bring a small cooler with a frozen chicken breast or something, so be it. Perhaps your friends will be pleased and opt to do something healthy too. Or maybe not. But also note that if they order pizza, pizza places nowadays almost always have a salad with grilled chicken option. Just food for thought. Literally! :-)

Have fun! Cross Country Skiing is one of the most significant calorie-burning activities, so definitely be prepared to eat extra supplements, and don't fret about it!

Ciao!

Lauren

[dede4wd]

Yup, what she said!

Lauren is good, Lauren is wise!

DeDe

[Karli]

Lauren, thank you very much for your suggestions, as it turns out, we aren't going into the mountains this weekend, but it's bound to happen so now I have a plan for that. And DeDe, thank you for your support.

Now, for some pretty stupid news. Let's see, over xmas break. I guess I am finally ready to write about this. Recently I have had a relapse of bulimia, as it turns out. Sitting through meal after meal of watching my friends eat and then preparing a huge meal for friends on xmas eve, I was basically catapulted into an epic binge on xmas day. So, guess what ? That's how I spent my xmas day (fun huh ?). Disgusting. Here entered bulimia.

Then I got things a little more squared away and then we headed down to my folks where I was doing pretty well. Until finally I folded. And again, a relapse of bulimia. I was doing pretty well on and off while I was there until I finally completely threw in the towel after some comments made by a family member and made a decision to stop trying to be on program while I was there.

Well, I came back feeling a little distraught. Anyway, a couple of weeks and a number of pounds down later, here I am now. After another relapse of bulimia. Yes, I ate off program, and yes, I purged. I am just so frustrated and I just feel like crying. It's just so tempting to feel entirely defeated at the moment.

Anyway, I am trying to take some stock in what's going on here and I can recognize a pattern in my life where these symptoms seem to crop up, and it's always surrounding what feels like extreme stress for me (and which most people probably (or obviously) handle much better than I). Right now, it's all of these gigs that I have coming up, which have been leaving me feeling completely out of sorts, at times. I still have so much music to learn, and it's getting there, but everything else feels *so* out of control, too. And, I get little bits done here and there, and I *have* to teach, but, it's just all leaving me feeling like I am living right on the seams.

So, before this time, it was leading up to my wedding and in the first several months of my marriage. Before that it was leading up to my senior recital in University. These are all recognizable stresses and I see that I am going to have to really learn how to deal with this stuff differently. Right now though, my perspective is all but completely thrown off.

So, I want to be back on plan tomorrow, and get through to a day two and then three, and I am hoping that I get some perspective back. I am sorry if I am a disappointment to people or even just a plain downer, but right now, I am just trying to hang on (and doing so by my fingernails) and straighten out a line that is trying to shape itself like a spiral.

Cheers,
Karli

[dede4wd]

Karli,
What's important is that you're recognizing the patterns and the triggers. You are not a disappointment, you are not a downer.

You're really close to goal, something new and scary! It's going to take some getting used to!

Old habits come back during stress. You're obviously stressed right now. You will work through this!

There are others much wiser than me that will be along soon. I just wanted to let you know that I care. No stress is worth what bulemia does to your body/teeth/life. You know this! Believe me, I know this! I know you can get through this!

We're here if you need to talk!

DeDe

[bikipatra]

Karli-

As I have shared I was a bulimic from age 13-21. All these years later, under extreme pressure, it can still crop up. I have purged twice while on Medifast this time. I don't know how it is for you, but for me, the actual purge is about more than just getting rid of the food, it gives me a sense of calm, control and numbness. That's what makes it an addictive behavior, the feelings it produces. So maybe you were looking for those things? I don't know. I really am grateful you shared about it though. I think you are taking some of the power out of it by sharing and you just helped me come clean too. Thanks. You are one of the strongest people on this board and I know you know that feelings aren't facts and gaining a pound or two is better than sticking your fingers down your throat.