The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Well, I weighed in this morning at 176. That means I lost a pound and a half overnight, which I don't mind at all, and I am only a pound away from my ticker weight. Hoping to reach that by Sunday. I think I am back into ketosis, which I am happy about -- hungries are gone.

I have been racking my brain a bit over the last several days trying to figure out where *ME* went to for a few days over xmas holidays. I have finally come to the conclusion that I have a lot more to learn about my "triggers" and then how to deal with them. I am going to write them down since I may wake up a week or two from now and decide it's time to transition into maintenance. I guess I need to be more ready and accept that this is where I am at.

So, one interesting thing that I finally realized today is that some people and circumstances are triggers for me. Probably it could eventually be nailed down to an emotion that I am feeling within these circumstances and around these people... but, I am not quite there yet. I just know who they are, both specifically and generally.

I have been thinking about something Alex said in another thread in that "food doesn't just happen". What is interesting to me about that is that I instinctively know that's ultimately true. However, sometimes it feels like food does just happen... and I could find myself being driven to a binge and while everything in me knows better, there I am anyway. Obviously it doesn't happen very much anymore (not the same way for years now), but over xmas break it did and that's what has perplexed me a bit.

I think I have realized, though, that anytime I have this feeling of being "driven" to doing something that I would prefer not to be doing, it is most-likely because I have allowed something to trigger it. And, before I recognize what's happening, I am in the middle of it feeling confused, anxious, judged and fearful (ha ha... I guess I just named my main trigger emotions).

One thing that I have realized over these past couple of weeks --and it's nothing new-- is that I have to be willing to take myself out of situations (or not enter into them) where I don't yet feel I can really trust that I won't react. That's hard since my trigger people are also my favorite people. So, I am just going to really need to learn how to become more aware of and then redirect whatever feelings I may be experiencing in various situations. I guess I can start with my imagination about spending time with these people. I can accept that I may have to do this for a really long time (be very aware, I mean), maybe even for the rest of my life, and not just expect that all is solved simply because I lost the weight.

Wow, I have to grow up more ... I thought I had already learned everything there was to know after I graduated from kindergarten .

I have to say that the more I write this out, the more sense it makes to me and I am *so grateful* to be seeing a little more clearly.

Anyway, cheers,
Karli

[bikipatra]

Glad you are sorting this all out for yourself, Karli, Karl. Thinking out loud helps.

[Taangrl21]

Congrasts on the loss and being back in Ketosis!!!

I agree with you to the tee, Karli. Certain people are definitly triggers. And it is like a catch-22, when they are people you enjoy being around.
I sit back and think of all the times I lost and gained.And I had one friend who never really ate alot.So when I would hang out with her I would eat very little (which was the last time I lost all my weight). I have had three friends in the past who would eat all the time and were overweight as I was and we would eat fast food and junk all the time.I am not saying they were to blame.Sometimes people and our enviorment does effect our weight. But we are the ones who control. I dont know...

Since I have been on MF I have been in situations with others who are eating something i would typically eat before MF. I dont really feel tempted but I do tell myself I would rather have my skinny clothes and be where I invision myself...then for 20 minutes of eating that food and then feeling disgusting after.

We all have different ways of controlling.And Karli you are one who, to me, are a controlled person.You have a strenghth that shows through your posts.So thanks casue I enjoy your thoughts.They make me think or make me feel like i am not the only one who thinks some of the things I do.

PS-I hope my rambling made sense.I think alot myself as you can see...

[nickieluv]

So, I am just going to really need to learn how to become more aware of and then redirect whatever feelings I may be experiencing in various situations. I guess I can start with my imagination about spending time with these people.

Karli, I'm not sure if this is what you meant by 'imagination,' but if you're saying that you can play out a situation before you're actually in it and decide what you'll do if certain triggers happen, I think that's a good idea. It's a technique I use all the time. Sometimes it takes a lot of thought, sometimes I just need to check with myself about things. If I am not mentally prepared for something, I will make a bad choice out of habit - I just know this about myself from past experience.

Tonight I had a pizza issue (I know - another one? - it's been a pizza week around here!), rolled together with a family issue, and I think it may have helped me that I found out last night they were going to order pizza. It planted the idea in my head, and when my sister asked me tonight what I wanted, I just said "I can't eat that right now." She asked then if she shouldn't even get it, but I told her I was past that point and I was OK to be around it. Like it's a controlled substance - which I guess it is, for me, and will always have to be.

Only you can judge if you need to spend less time with certain people for a while - but I think mental preparation will really be helpful.

I'm glad you're back - and I have to tell you what a little shiver I got when you said you might be transitioning into maintenance in a few weeks. I am going to live vicariously through you when you are able to say you've reached goal - and I hope it doesn't mean you'll be leaving the forum!

[LadyT]

I am not sure when I will step on the scale again, maybe not even next Roll Call, but, like DeDe, I guess I will when I feel like it.

Now Karli...if I get on the scale for Roll Call, you need to as well!!!
Remeber what you said to me??? "*In a loud booming voice*"...I am kidding of course!!!

I hope you are having a good day...I've been off the boards for a few days, so I'm playing catch-up!!

[Karli]

Thanks for your support, Biki .

Debra, thanks for your thoughts and for visiting my journal. I know that the things I do and the triggers I may experience around others are not anybody else's fault. I have recognized that I have issues with wanting to feel accepted. And, when I start feeling like this (and I sometimes deny that I am feeling this way and that doesn't seem to help matters much) I begin to rationalize behaviours that are not healthy for me.

I need to realize more of what Lauren and Jo have talked about, in there being no excuses and in the need to really stand on my own two feet, even if it makes me a little different. I really recognize the need to handle this specific issue if I am going to make some real progress with this whole thing.

You are right, sometimes I am very controlling and, this is a specific area in my character that I have needed to work on having a proper and healthy balance with ('when is it positive, when is it not (?)' type-of-thing). And, at this point in my life I sometimes become *paranoid* about "controlling" my life through my diet and my "looks" in *any way* ... that's also one of the main things I am needing to come to terms with. I want to grasp that just because I am excerising discipline and restraint with my diet, and just because this may allow me to wear smaller (and really cute ) clothing, it does not mean I have an "eating disorder".

A side note along those lines, I guess I do this trip sometimes where I see this line in my life... I was getting chubby in my childhood and perhaps there were reasons for that (maybe already I was trying to control my life and circumstances through my diet). Then, I realized I wanted to look a certain way and I had some emotional situations as I was in my preteens and throughout my teens, so I controlled my life (or so I thought) through starvation and so on. Then I didn't want that anymore because it was killing me. Then I went the other way for awhile... I controlled my life by eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted (that was literally my philosophy for awhile but funnily enough, I never felt free about it).

Well, I don't want to trade one vice for another version of the same vice. Something like using the same drug, or even the same addictive behaviour but in a different way (mainly because I would still feel trapped, then, and eventually I would fall -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT ). I feel that I see a bigger pattern in myself that I really want to heal -- and that's what I am working to accomplish at this point in my life (and that's what I am trying to be patient with myself about). I would like to stop trying to control my life through my diet, PERIOD. But, it's odd as I take this journey because, sometimes it appears that this is exactly what I am doing.

Now, how's that for overthinking things ? . Please know that I actually drive people in my life crazy with this sort of thing , as maybe people would begin to suspect about me . So, I am finding myself at a bit of a confusion state, of sorts, right now. But, I know I will get through it and on the other side, I will see more clearly. I am just not quite there yet. YET !

Nickie, yeah, I am talking about imagining myself being around these people and yes, perhaps in different scenarios. Something like trying to deal with stage-fright by calling up the scenario mentally, and dealing with the "symptoms" as they arise (something I need to do more often). I think I just would like to get to the root of what it is that I feel when I even just think of these people, because really, I actually do think of these people a lot. And, it's funny but, they become the condeming voices in my head (along with others). That's not their fault (I don't think), that's my own issue. I have either never before been able to put my finger on this, or I have never before been willing to face it. However, I see now the necessity it will be for me.

I am not sure when I will feel like I am ready to transition out. Currently I am right around where I had originally planned to be, and I know that I am not quite ready yet. So, it may still be awhile. I do not plan to drop off of the forum, though, because I would like to be here to help support others and I will probably need this place for quite awhile just to help me stay grounded in all of this.

Tracey, hee hee... I will be there . And, actually, I have already stepped onto the scale as of a few days ago. I decided that it was time for me to be accountable and not just bury my head in the sand (and I felt I could cope with whatever it read -- and I have). So, I will see you there, rain or shine (the only reason I wouldn't be there is if my computer acts up again... in that case I would still try to find a way to post in and show up. It's important, I think).


Thanks all, and best wishes,
Karli

[Karli]

Well, aside from feeling like I have been a bit of a crabby jerk ( ) this past week, and aside from feeling a little bogged down with thoughts and so on... I am feeling pretty good . I am back into ketosis and things are moving along. I weighed in this morning and was back up to 177. I will attribute this to the fact that I think I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night (and not much the night before), yadda yadda. Did I really sleep at all ? It's a bit hazy.

Anyway, I can't believe how much writing things out helps me. Something that I find interesting is that I have been able to handle the scale much better than I would have imagined. For me, weighing in everyday is helping me realize that I don't need to be emotionally attached to what it reads. It's just something I do each morning to check in with myself. It's just information that helps me stay on track. I think this is a habit I will keep. Maybe eventually it will change to once a week, but for now, this is working for me.

On that note, I am going to start making notes on habits that I like about where I am at right now. Things that I feel are working for me, and perhaps things that I feel are not. I am definitely feeling ready to get ready for transition . I have realized it's not *that* far off anymore. And, what I am waiting for, really, is when I feel mentally ready. I think the rest will follow. Right now, I don't feel mentally ready yet (which includes a desire to lose a little more weight).

Eating plan for the day :

6 -- Oatmeal
9 -- MF eggs
12 -- bar
3 -- RTD
6 -- L/G
9 -- shake, hot cocoa, or pudding


Cheers,
Karli

[eskwyre]

On that note, I am going to start making notes on habits that I like about where I am at right now. Things that I feel are working for me

What a great idea. I think I'll adopt it First, as a way to get in touch with where I am and second, as a way of identifying those habits that I absolutely want to hold onto even well into maintenance. You are reminding all of us how we have to prepare mentally for our changing bodies and life after transition.

[Karli]

oooo... goody, I am glad you found it useful .

Okay. I have been absolutely freaking out today. I don't know what in the world is going on with me, but I have been filled with angst about transitioning out and going into maintenence. I mean, I really do still have at least 10 pounds to go, so realistically, we are talking about at least another 3 weeks for that, and maybe 5 if I want to reach 160. What the ? That's not very long.

Funnily enough, I feel more like I am saying goodbye to food now than I ever did before. ??? It's just, I realize that my habits have to stay steady. It's not like I have done all of this work and I can just go back to how my life was before. EVER . And, I wonder... can I really do this ?

When I think back to when I started the program, it's as though I have the day before my first weighin, when I tried on my "fat" shorts and they didn't even pull up, straight to here. Everything in between is just mulling around inside of me but feels like some kind of dream or something. I feel like I can't even figure out how I got here . I remember feeling all along like it's so important to really find the strength within, and I have had strong times, but, I actually can't believe I am where I am at right now. I haven't been perfect by all standards, but I am here, none-the-less. And, I am not giving up. No way.

I would never write in a public journal the things I have given up in my life along the way (because I was in *serious* need for a life change). But, let me say, they have been life-changing for me. My life has changed completely as a result of this road that I have somehow come down and I can honestly say that I feel like a different person. I mean, I know I am not done yet, but, I can see the end. It's just right there *points at it*.

I just can't explain my feelings. All I can say is that I am really just *so* grateful there are some guidelines along the fat-burnin' way and then in transition and maintenence.

And you know, I have to admit, it just plain feels *really* good to be thin(ner) and to feel comfortable in my clothes and comfortable about the space I take up in a room full of people. I guess I just need to realize when I actually *am* thin, and let myself feel it and accept it. Lauren, you mentioned that when I am starting to get the urge to workout that it's my body telling me I am ready. Well, I have been thinking about that and you're right. I realize that I really need to make this a priority in my life -- and that it's okay to think of myself as taking care of myself.

Okay, I am ranting and ranting. Off to do some reading.

Cheers,
Karli

[bikipatra]

One Day at a Time, Karli Karl.

[Taangrl21]

You'll get there Karli.
Weight wise you have that 10lbs to lose, your mind will follow behind.Its funny how many of us dont accept the fact that we are thin when we are there.When i was at my thinnest I still felt kinda fat but dont remember bashing myself with the words/phrases that I have said to myself now at my heaviest.I am worried more about transitioning mentally and emotionally then food wise.But you are on the right path.I think the exercise is good for relieving any angst you may have.Or at least for me it does.Thats why I cant wait to do finally be able to use my elliptical.
Your are doing so great, things definitly will fall into place for you.Keep on keepin on...

[Karli]

Good Morning ! Thanks, Biki ! Thanks, Debra !

So, I have woken up feeling pretty good. Weighed in at 175.5, so I am just half a pound away from my ticker weight and hoping (with another decent night's sleep) that I will get there tomorrow.

Also, I am going to experiment with letting myself feel truly confident about my ability to eat well and make the right choices. I still have some condemning voices in my head about some other choices I made for a few days over xmas break, but, there's going to come a time when I will just have to tell those voices to shut up (!) and then I will have to just move on.

When I first was on the program I felt very, very strong in it. I felt like I didn't understand why anybody would start it if they weren't going to finish it as written and so on. But then, one evening we went to some friends' house for dinner and they had grilled chicken but not a single veggie and thus, I had my first meal in a couple months that was not completely compliant. I felt as though I had no choice so eventually, though I didn't stuff myself, I just went with it. I woke up the next morning disappointed, a little confused and sad but I got right back on (skipping the pancake breakfast they made for us).

Well, that was all good until these same friends wanted to go camping with us. This was a developing friendship at that point, which I really wanted us to be able to have. Anyway, I ended up feeling like it was easier to go off over that 3-day weekend than it was to stay on. So, I was really careful about my choices and ate very little, though not super healthy at all times, and then the weekend was over and I got right back on.

I was doing just fine until hubby and I ran out of money and I couldn't reorder any MF for awhile. I had enough stock to keep me going for awhile but I have to say, I mainly only had stuff left that I had already decided I couldn't eat anymore (strawberry shakes and chili were a big part of that group and they are actually still sitting in my cupboard ). From there, I lasted awhile eating that stuff, but, I was feeling a little disheartened at the campaign and I was desparately missing my heavier workouts !! I just felt like I couldn't force myself to be on program anymore, not as it was, and so I dropped to have supplements for part of the days and then eating regular food for other parts of the days.

During this time I made several attempts to get back ON, but with no lasting success. I thought maybe I would just "eat right" and workout (which I have had great success with in the past) but, something about that just wasn't working for me either. I felt like I failed on the program and that was hitting my confidence as an eater.... ha ha. I basically maintained the weight that I had lost, however, there was sometimes a 3-5 pound fluctuation that kept appearing and then disappearing as I struggled along this particular pathway.

That got to be TOO much and I finally decided to reorder some MF and only order my favorites, including soy crisps (and we were doing a little better financially by this point) with the intention of getting back on for good. Well, I was working on it, but struggling. During this time I was always working to make decent choices and better choices, but, I felt like I was hitting some kind of emotional wall with my progress overall. I had to get past my past , as it turns out (still working on that overall, but I did make some progress).

So, I called up my HA and set a restart date (scheduled for the Monday after T-day) and when I got there, I restarted !! YAY !! Not without a couple of bobbles, but I came back on here to find that I was not alone and that there were a few of us in similar situations. Well, I feel like we helped each other (at least I know I was influenced positively by others) and that all stuck.

Then xmas times came --which I am still not ready to talk about in detail--where I had a good few weeks of being fully back on behind me and I had finally gotten out of the 180's, which boosted my confidence once again. I made *a lot* of *really* good choices and had some huge (for me) victories, but, unfortunately, I had some equally as powerful defeats (the worst since I started the program). These wanted to completely crush my spirits, but I have had a victory in having not let them.

As soon as I knew that my circumstances would be more conducive to my getting firmly back on program again, I restarted (New Year's Day as we travelled back home). Had some big mental battles this time because I felt mentally weak, but, I also felt determined and as though that person whom had not been strong enough over break (me) was not going to get into my way overall.

So, as I struggled on Monday at one point as we were driving back up... my hubby really wanted to stop at Taco Bell and I felt like I couldn't handle it. I felt like there was no way I was going to be able to have us stop there and me not order anything. So, I asked that we please not go. Well, this actually caused a fight and a long silence between us. We both felt extremely disappointed and angry that we couldn't have this food (and I felt like his disappointment was all my fault, and that he felt that way about me, too) ... ha ha.. how stupid !!

Anyway, I used this silence to get myself together. I realized that we might be going to Taco Bell afterall, and, I really had to combat this temptation to "just order something and restart tomorrow" instead of keep going with what I had started that day. A funny thing. My saving grace for this particular decision was in giving myself complete freedom to make either choice. I let myself really feel free to go either way, and since we were still sitting in the car driving (and not sitting at the resturant) I felt a certain safety since I knew I was thinking it through without the ability to act rashly.

As I thought about it and really thought about what each choice would mean for me, I became resolved that I would stick on the program as I had started it that day. And I did. We got to our stop and I had finally developed the strength to sit in the car, right next to my hubby, smelling the food and though it was a little hard and I was pretty crabby, that is history now and I am back on and into ketosis.

When I first came back on the forum here, I felt like maybe I had let people down. And, I took things personally that I know probably weren't meant that way (and, I should probably have just kept my trap shut). For some reason this had me feeling so tempted to feel like I had failed something since I hadn't done things in an "ideal" way. For some reason I felt a pull to go off program because of this, to disappear and never come back to the forum... but, through that, I realized the need to recognize whatever success I have truly had on this journey and to stick with it.

With that, I came to a conclusion that I have had success and that I couldn't let anything nor anybody take that away from me (even if it is all just voices in my head). Nor could I let imperfections cheapen it for me and dillude me into thinking imperfection is equivelent to failure. Success IS success, and it has become gold to me; it has begun to take on a value that I cannot explain. I don't think it's personal, I think it's a gift. And, I value it beyond words.

Well, I am just getting this all out for the sake of my future (and possibly for others who may be able to use some of it at some point).


Cheers,
Karli

[electra000]

Great post Karli ! Thank you so much for sharing! You are truly inspiring to me and I look forward each day to your posts. Thank you!

[Taangrl21]

Well it sounds like that post were thoughts you had to get off your chest. And trust me you are not letting anyone down.I think you are a very motivating and honestly we are only human.I dont think we fail if we give in I think its just another obstacle in our journey we have to get past. We dont eat necessarily b/c we want that food.We eat b/c emotionally we feel we need it.This is all my opinion.Not saying in anyway that it implies to anyone.Its just I have had emotional food problems since I was like 10. It may be emotional for me but on another note, why does bad food have to taste so good sometimes?

I dont know Karli, but you are gonna be at goal in no time.Past is the past.Just keep visualizing yourself there at that weight. Thats what I try to do.

Stick with your success...b/c you have do have it.

[bikipatra]

Yoo really are one of my chief inspirations on this board. Even if you don't feel like sharing your last slip with us yet, I know you will when you feel ready (if you ever do), and it can he of further help to someone and not the bone of contention our sick little voices tell us it will be. I take things very personally too, so I understand. I still haven't gained your wisdom that it is sometimes better to keep my trap shut-I still think my opinions are special, meaningful and adorable and must be said. I blame my mother or the grandiosity often inhererent in manic depression. Or maybe that's just who I am.