The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Tawanda]

Great!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Joy]

here is hoping you have a great week
joy

[oksoonergirl26]

Hey girl, just wanted to check in and see how you are surviving the holidays!

[Karli]

Hello All,

Well, did you really think you would have seen the last of me ? I don't know, I may disappear again even by tomorrow, but I thought I would come here at a feeble attempt to convince myself there is more reason to be on track by having posted (and stopped hiding from myself and the world). I'll admit that I am kicking and screaming about it a bit, I just want to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat ... argh ! Obviously we are all pretty much professionals at knowing where that leads to !!

This is (another) day #1 for me -- haven't made an inch of progress towards my goal since last October, when I had been on for about a month but caught the stupid plague and went off ... pretty much never to get back on again. Really though, same story, different day from me here.

Yes, day #1, I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling pretty downright crabby and mad -- yes, I guess I'm venting a bit ... I feel mad -- and I hope that as I get past the first parts (because I CAN !), I will come out of that and be more help to you all.

[Tawanda]

Hi Karli, yes, I can understand the feelings of anger. It is a struggle, not all the time, but if I eat anything containing my trigger foods then I'm right back at desiring, craving, food obsessed- once again.

I hope you find your strong battle thoughts and can get through these first days until abstinance from off program food becomes easy & second nature.

[Karli]

Hi Tawanda, thanks for the encouraging note.

For now, I'm going to just allow myself to vent a little bit here -- I don't normally like to do that, but it's like I simply *must*, since what I had been doing was intensely NOT working .

I made it through yesterday --- day #1 --- which was already an accomplishment for me these days. Making it through today will be THEE accomplishment of the last few months (though I had about a week on not TOO long ago). I'm just going to let myself say that I still feel mad, and I guess the difference between letting myself say it now and trying to refrain sometimes, is that I don't feel like I am just stewing in it in the same way I would if I weren't feeling a strong desire to get through it. Giving myself permission to be mad about the whole things seems to help me not try to stuff that anger away with food, which is obviously a necessity if I am EVER going to get this STUPID thing worked out for GOOD .... GRRRRRRRR.

Anyway, I wrote a whole bunch of stuff down this morning about my life, about what it is that I "wish" my life were like, what kind of things would be attached to that, what I felt I needed to have happen in order to live my life that way. Long story short, I came to the conclusion that in some alternate universe within myself, I believe that being thin and feeling good about my appearance is *vital* to having a successful life -- and yet, I fight myself *very* much on that exact thing, for a few reasons (that I won't get into). What is ironic though, too, is that eating (overeating and eating pure junk) is my coping mechanism for living a life that I am not happy with. So, yes, it's the classic "I feel fat" and sulk in that by eating 5 doughnuts or an entire cake in the course of 24(ish) hours (not to mention having some fear about being thin). RIDICULOUS cycle, I know that intellectually, yet very difficult to break out of emotionally. I'm working on all of that though, I really am.

I have just finished supplement number 3 of day #2. I'm feeling the battle cry, but I need to take this one day at a time, and even just one supplement at a time. Soon though, if I keep plugging, I'll get back here as a brighter, sunnier, happier person.

[DogMa]

Hang in there, Karli. I agree that voicing the frustration and anger can be a really helpful step, rather then burying those feelings in food.

[Karli]

Thanks, Robin.

Well, the good news is that I have poked through the anger now. That happened yesterday, and so in exchange for anger, I was feeling sorry for myself for "not getting" to eat what my husband was eating, and feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't just eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted and so on. And, I felt sorry for myself in light of all the skinny people in the world ... who, in my mind, get to eat whatever they want (which isn't actually true, exactly (I mean, they still can't eat like I was eating)). And, at least one realization came for me out of that last thought in that I realized that feeling skinny and thinking about people being skinny = a license to eat -- which is the best way to not be skinny anymore.

Well, I'm trying to stay in some mental helicopter now above the storm, and just kind of observe the things that are happening and deal with them. If I am not going to be angry and mad, if I am not going to feel sorry for myself, I WILL be full of doubt. Okay, so now I enter a forest of doubt (and whatever fear may lurk). About a week in I may start feeling deprived again, I will be feeling healthier, I will be firmly in ketosis and will have energy -- I will be feeling physically and mentally good, my current clothes will be looser (and doubt will tell me that I won't reach goal anyway), so I deserve to go off program -- WRONG ! Sitting here in my mental helicopter I will just try to keep my eyes on the goal and not be tricked by the other stuff. Aiming to sort through issues.

Okay ! Just getting that stuff out. Things are definitely looking up though -- I am feeling like I broke the mesmerism of all the carbs and other sugar and just general feeling of being stuffed ... I'm seeping out of that funky place and a healthier feeling is starting to find its way. Cheers !

[saradanielle]

hey karli
just wondering if you got my message in response to yours.. im new to the mechanics of the sight and wasnt sure if it actually sent.
sara

[Karli]

Hi Sara,

Thanks for your response, no, I didn't get your message. But, when I sent you one, I did notice that the only way it seemed to work was if I hit the "pm" button to the right of the message body in the screen (under my avatar stuff) -- it quotes the message body here, but that's okay with me. If I tried it a different way, it didn't send. Let me know if there are any problemos ... and, I appreciate the response .

[Karli]

Well, I am basically posting at the moment because I think that if I am not posting everyday, people will think I've fallen off the wagon (that would be my reputation, for sure). I, in fact, haven't. I am on day 5 and feeling really good. The thing is, I've been "here" a million times before, so I am just trying to concentrate on each day and may be in my own, focused world a bit while I do it. But, just to be clear, I'm still on !!

Cheers !

[Karli]

Day 8 underway. Cheers !

[DogMa]

Go, Karli!!

[oksoonergirl26]

Keep up the good work and keep on posting, at least you are on plan!

[Tawanda]