The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Hello, this is my first post here (as well as my first journal entry). I have just joined the Medifast program by way of my good friend Dayna (Hi Dayna ) who is now my health advisor .

I will admit, I love to write, and for now I am going to just use this journal to dump out my guts (I hope it's okay)... because they need some dumping out.

I have felt as though I have struggled with my body image and weight for as long as I can remember. I became very aware of both at a fairly young age... somewhere in early elementary school. At some point in my pre-teens, I became aware of the fact that I could "control" my body image by way of food intake and exercise. This readily developed into massive eating dissorders that lasted for a good 10-12 years in practice, and whose emotional roots and affects I have still been chipping away at for the last 6-8 years (as I have been transitioning out of some of the symptoms of bulimia/anarexia).

I have been through many ups and downs with dieting and eating and so on... I have, at times, reached my desired thinnest states, though by no means my healthiest. I have had some good results from a time of eating vegan (in preparation for my wedding of 3 years ago) but I have since gained absolutely all of the weight back. I am not even sure what I weigh these days because I am petrified to step on a scale, and I have not purchased a single item of new clothing (except a bare necessity) in over 3 years. As one might imagine, the wardrobe is wearing quite thin.

It is impossible to say everything I need to say in this single post, so I guess I won't really try. But, what I am hoping to gain from this experience with Medifast is a sense of balance in my life regarding food and diet, and a balance that will last. My needs right now are to have food in general stop taking up so much of my thought and energy... to stop giving it so much power and influence in my life... and to deal with whatever the roots seem to be which cause me to overeat and sabatage my good intentions in life.

I already know that there is a sense of being afraid to succeed, as well as being afraid to fail. Either way, I am not living my full potential, and that's by all means what I would like to be doing (otherwise, what's the point ? ).

I could say that my ultimate desire in all of this is to grow closer (in thought) to God, and to better understand myself and life in general through better understanding God. Prayer is/will be a consistent part of my diet.

What I like about having most of my meals prepared for me is the fact that I feel this will help to alleviate my constant thinking about food... what am I going to eat next ?... what am I going to eat tomorrow ?... so on and so forth. I can spend more time thinking about productive matters, like how I can express more patience with my husband and doggy... and more love in general.

Dayna took a few pictures of me this evening which I will be posting in the studio as soon as I feel I can take another picture that will show some weightloss. These pictures are some of the only pictures I have allowed to be taken of me since my wedding/honeymoon, and by far they are the only pictures in about 3 years that I have felt free to release my self-consciousness and just be me. This is mainly because I am expecting to be saying goodbye to that look within weeks, and within that I felt free.

I just ordered my first month of supplements this evening, and so I will not be starting yet until it arrives... but I sure am excited !

Onward and Upward !

Karli

[Prancer]

hi Karli. I think you mean onward and downward

God should always be apart of our lives and everything we do. In every weak moment we have God is our Rock to lean on. I hope you have great success with MF.

[Unca_Tim]

Hi Karli and welcome to the forum,

With Dayna's great help you'll do fantastic.

[Karli]

Thanks for the welcome, guys !

Well, I just went out and bought a scale and weighed myself for the first time in years... not so great. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life . But, seeing so many other people around here and their successes gives me hope. Somehow (even though I used the sad and blue smiley) I am still happy because I feel like I am finally really dealing with the problem instead of being in denial about it. And, I can't help but feel inspired when that is the case, I guess.

Karli


ps- I figured out how to get the ticker thingy into my sig !

*currently celebrates even small victories*

[Unca_Tim]

Small victories lead to huge successes....
Happy Shakin',

[Diana]

Hi, Karli!

You're desire to grow is very inspiring! Thank you for your post. And know that I (and others) will be praying with and for you during your journey. What a great place to be leaving! You never have to be this weight again, ever!

[Karli]

Well, thanks for your kind support, Unca Tim and Diana .


So let's see... I have a million thoughts that are deeply embedded somewhere in me, and I wish to get some of them out because they have been helpful to me all day long, and they are just needing to come out.

First of all, I am quite pleased that I bought a scale yesterday. I will explain why a little later. Leading up to that, I will say that in anticipation for starting the program, I have felt some strength and courage in just eating better and drinking more water in general. I have been making myself take at least 15 minutes for my little "meals" and made myself take half an hour to eat my "lean cuisine". Besides that, I have put over 100 ounces of water into me today.

It seems that since yesterday, I have lost about 3 pounds, actually. And, here is why I am happy I bought a scale... seeing smaller numbers is just plain encouraging for me. Every time I have been tempted to eat when I don't need to, I remember my small success as of today, even, and I feel encouraged to stay on track. In the past when I have tried certain things, it has been difficult to track my progress without a scale and I would feel as though I were not getting anywhere... wonder "what's the point then ?" and throw in the towel. I realize at the moment that I am making some improvements already.

*celebrates*

Now, for some deeper stuff... I have realized that what matters most for me in doing this program (or any program, for that matter) is learning to express balance, patience, courage, strength, perseverence, commitment... and a load of other characteristics that mold my life on a daily (as well as eternal) basis. Without gaining in my demonstration of these characteristics, nothing will change. So, developing these spiritual qualities is the basic focus of my adventure, at this point.

With that, I have been praying in earnest each morning (and all day) to gain more insight into whatever it is I need to be learning through this. I have observed some interesting things within my consciousness... for one, I have been more aware of how much I let food dominate my life. I have realized my desire to not think about it so much in a conscious way (obsessive meal planning, etc...) and have had an inkling of the need to not let my subconscious cravings get me either... but, WOW ! Though I will not pretend to pin my challenges on society in their entirety, the media and society sure has us trained, doesn't it ?!

I have found myself becoming aware of what have probably been more subconscious impulses to go get this or that kind of food from this or that kind of place... and I catch myself realizing that this is not really me. It is something like a program... fed by emotional needs as well as some influence from the media wanting me to reach for food when I feel emotionally needy (or any other time, for that matter).

I guess the most important thing for me about realizing some of this is in seeing clearly that it is not my truest self. My truest self doesn't need any more than it needs... anything else is not me telling me I need it. I have been able to push by some of these impulses simply in realizing that they are what they are.

Along these lines... I have realized that besides using food as a security blanket, I have also been using the affects of that issue as a security blanket. I have literally been hiding behind my weight/fat. I won't pretend to have figured out all of the things surrounding that particular point, but I will say that I have realized the need to be willing to let go of this security blanket called fat. This is a very big step because I have let myself identify closely with this fat ... it has seemed like me when actually, it is not. The problem I have found with identifying WITH (seeing it as my very identity) a problem vs merely identifying the problem from a "distance" is that it is much tougher to emotionally release something that seems like me.

The funny thing is, no matter how much I despise the thing (whatever it is), if I see it as my identity, there is a lot of fear surrounding the prospects of letting that go.

Who am I without that ? etc.

I have tended to cave at these points. What's interesting is that I have caught, a few times now, a voice in my head saying to me : "you don't have to change... you are just fine the way you are." Well, I suppose if I were as happy as a clam that would be one thing... but in my heart of hearts, I am not happy living my life under a false sense of security. Living that way keeps me constantly looking over my shoulder and constantly fearing the future. These are the things I am truly losing... not just the weight. The weight is the result of losing the emotional boundaries I have been living with.

Another related aspect to this all has been that I have tended to be a bit of a perfectionist. When I was in the thros of bulimia and anarexia, no matter what I looked like, I wasn't satisfied. I was never thin enough... never pretty enough... so on and so forth. I have not wanted to treat myself this way anymore, so I have been afraid to tell myself that I am unhappy with my weight and size (and have not wanted that addiction to the scale to rule my life).

I have realized that it is okay for me to see that I need to make some changes. And, I am. That's the important part... realizing and meeting a new need.

Well, I am sleepy... I have more to write, but I suppose that's for another time.

How happy I am to be here with all of you

Karli

[Karli]

hmmm... well, my addiction to the scale is threatening to come back and though I have been doing very well the last couple of days (awaiting my packets) I have to remind myself that it fluctuates. For no apparent reason it reads even higher than before, though as of earlier today I had lost about 4 lbs since Sunday. Kinda sad.

Also, I am feeling the major munchies and I am needing to remind myself that it will not solve anything at all if I go ahead and munch. It will just keep me in the cycle that I would like to break out of.

I have decided to cut back during the day and eat in smaller amounts, and to start eating L&G in the evening. So, my hubby and I went shopping and it was good to see so much healthy food in the cart and it was fun to see the price tag lowered (though, when medifast is added on, we aren't exactly cutting back in total... yet).

Anyway, I am posting in hopes to release some of the bored, munchy-craving-feelings that seem to be hanging around.

ARGHHHH !!!

Karli

[dede4wd]

Karli,
I LOVE your posts. It's like someone had a recorder in my head in the beginning! Don't obsess about the scale...use each day as a guideline if you weigh every day and use your weekly same bat time same bat channel weight as your guide.

I enjoy your posts immensely! I'm glad I'm getting to know you and I'm proud to walk alongside you on this journey to health and happiness!

Defy the snacks! No munchies are worth it!!! Believe me I know!

DeDe

[Karli]

ooooo.. thank you very much DeDe, that was just what I needed !

Karli

[Karli]

Okay. Well, I am hoping that my prep work that I am doing before I recieve my packets will help when I transition into packet-ville. Yesterday was a little difficult for me, as I have significantly cut down on my eating altogether. Also, I am trying to make the right choices for myself, eating healtheir in general than I had been.

I have realized what could be called an addiction to food within myself. Though, I personally do not believe this is the real me, otherwise I could never change. However, sometimes it really does feel like me. It is interesting, what I have mainly been doing in the past few days is breaking my addiction to munching and bringing conscious awareness to the eating decisions I am making.

I went to the store yesterday evening because I needed to get something, and while I was there, it seemed like all of the food on the shelf was calling out to me. They were all saying "buy me... eat me... love me..." and though I experienced this as "temptation", I could see that this was only a chemical and mental reaction to the changes I am making. This temptation has been happening all my life, it's just that I am more aware now of what it is, and the need to make the right choices in life.

As I have been pondering the thought behind needing to make the right choices, I have realized that it's about learning what that really means and is for myself. In some sense, I have had so much anxiety surrounding food, that I have felt extremely guilty anytime I eat ANYTHING. Some "voice" would tell me that I am naughty to eat anything, and that has created so much anxiety surrounding food for me, that "making the right decisions" has been something I have felt incapable of doing. If everything feels wrong, nothing feels right (if you know what I mean).

Unfortunately, one of the ways I have dealt with anxiety has been in the form of eating. So, if I am feeling anxious about this or that, I have resorted to munching. Like-wise, funnily enough, if I am feeling anxious about food, I eat it (this is the only place aside from my own private thoughts that I could ever admit such a thing).

Anyway, the point is that I am realizing that there is a difference between some of the habits I have displayed throughout my life. Eating because I need nurishment is not wrong, but overeating is. Doing things like crouching at the refrigerator, eating chocolate frosting by the spoonfuls... not a good decision. LOL. Or things like eating half a large pizza in one sitting... not a good decision.

But somehow, before these last few days, I have often felt just as guilty when eating a stalk of celery as I would the frosting or the pizza bit. I suppose because I would eat the celery when I didn't actually need it. And I suppose that no matter what it is, if I don't truly need it, eating it is not the best decisions I could make.

Anyway, one of my goals is to loosen my anxiety surrounding food. When I am eating something because I need the nurishment, I am going to be conscious of that and I will be grateful for the food and know that I am doing the right thing. At least I can start to set a conscious standard for myself.

I have great hope that my packets will arrive today, however, today is only the 3rd business day since I ordered, so I might be waiting until Friday still.

In the meantime, this is my life : and NOT this :


hee hee...


Karli

[dede4wd]

Karli,
I totally understand your last post. What helped me at the beginning of my MF journey was thinking of MF as a prescription...I treated it as if the doctor had prescribed this medicine every 3 hours. After about a month, I then started treating food as fuel, not giving it any more thought than the fuel I put in my car. It has helped me immensely!

I know what you mean about feeling guilty when munching on celery (or something good for you) because you weren't hungry, just munching. I have learned so much about my triggers and my emotional eating. I feel ya and I hope your medi-grub gets there soon!

Thanks for your great insightful posts!

DeDe

[Karli]

Oooooo... I can appreciate your line of thought there. The thing I really like about it is treating food like fuel (because ultimately that's just exactly what it is). "Not giving it anymore thought than the fuel I put in my car" ... that's exactly what I want !

I guess I see the need for me to be willling to release the "love affair" with it... and I know from past experience that this does not mean that I cannot enjoy it still (and actually, I have not really been enjoying it even... when it doesn't serve a real purpose in eating it). It just means that I am firstly treating it like it was meant to be treated, and a natural side affect of that is a deeper enjoyment out of eating (kinda corny but true); having it serve a real need.

Well, I am still awaiting my packets, but I have great hope that they will arrive today *crosses fingers*. In the meantime, I am going to get myself eating something (healthy) every 2.5-3 hours, and to help myself keep track, I will log it here as I go. I have been losing quite a bit of weight, actually, and I am pleasantly surprised. But, I am not going to do a "weigh in" until Sunday (1 week after I ordered and began my prep work)... and then I will (finally) get to move my blasted ticker .


6 am -- hard boiled egg (no salt) -- stretched over 15 mins
LOTS of Water

9 am -- mug of decaf coffee with a little cream and sugar (can't seem to find the sugar sub. I purchased a while ago) -- stretched over half an hour.

11:15 am -- A dill pickle and a glass of skim milk -- stretched over 15 mins

2 pm -- A hard boiled egg and some small, steamed (and then chilled) asparagus spears. And another pickle .

so far today, I have had about 80 ounces of water, as well.

5 pm -- L & G -- 35 mins

7:30 -- Nonfat Instant Chocolate Fudge pudding


-- Interestingly, while I know that a mere cup o' coffee is not a meal like medifast, I was not even all that hungry for it. But, I am trying to get msyelf used to havng some intake in similar increments as I will when on Medifast. Also, I am trying to keep an even keel blood-wise. Not wanting ups and downs.

-- I have to teach in a number of minutes and I knew I would bonk if I waited until I was done teaching to have more fuel. Milky milk, down the hatch.

-- I am feeling quite full after my L & G, and actually felt as though I wouldn't mind eating less (just a little glimpse I had while eating it).

YAY ! Things feel great, but I can't wait to have balanced portions with Medifast.

Karli

[Karli]

My Medifast just arrived !! Yippeee..... I feel like I just won the lottery.

*starting tomorrow*


Karli

[Janae]

Hooray for you...your MF food is here and tomorrow you will begin the fun! You have done well at getting prepared!

Keep letting us know how it goes!

And....Happy Shakin'!!