The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

nickieluv · by **nickieluv** » March 27th, 2007, 7:45 am

It was good to read Jo's and Nancy's posts about reaching goal. I can see how stopping now could seem anticlimactic, as you said. In fact, I've even had the thought myself that I don't want to set my goal too low, in case I never get there. So obviously some part of me knew that feeling of needing to reach the end.

You will figure out what is right for you, and I (and the forum) will be here to support you as you get there. I'm sorry for saying you'd done 'well enough' and not validating your need to see 155 on your scale. You go as far as you want/need to go.

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 8:15 am

Nancy wrote:Now just keep hiking, slugging down the water, trotting with the doggies, eating every couple of hours and standing around lookin’ thinny!

Okay, Nancy

.

Well, I want to say that I very much appreciate these posts. I feel like you ladies have been my guardian angels over these last several days, and I am just so grateful for you and your perspectives. Thank you very much.

And, Nickie, it's okay. I have been thinking about exactly what you suggested all along, and in a way, I think I have reached a place that I could easily consider "good enough," and actually, I probably could have gotten away with that about 15 pounds back. But, something in me needed/needs to get to my ticker weight. I wasn't sure if I would really want to get there, because it's low for me, so I thought I would see as I went along. But, as I have gone, I have been realizing some important things in that this will be the best shape AND the lightest I have been in so long, maybe even ever (not counting when I was truly a little girl). There is something very thrilling to me about that. I am taking on some interesting things in the rest of my life, and it just feels *SO* good to be ready in every way I know how.

So, it has been a full past few days. Sunday was fine in that I was perfectly compliant on my 5/1, and Monday was great as I got back to the gym and to my workout diet. Today is going just wonderfully, too. I have not weighed in a few days, and I am wanting to not weigh for awhile -- maybe even in two Fridays, if I want -- because everything became too much about the numbers for me for awhile there. I just want to concentrate on other habits for now.

I finally started a "fitday" account and have loved being able to keep track of all of my activities and food on that. It's very clean, organized, neat and tidy -- and a very useful tool for me, especially as I am needing to add extra food to my diet.

This last trip to "the other side" was not good. Funnily enough, I probably made much better choices in a lot of ways than I have in the past, but, something about this time just upset me more than I even know how to say. I just felt utterly betrayed. And, it really messed with my confidence, my sense of self-worth, and led me down a path of a lot of fear and doubt-filled thoughts. And, aside from the weight gain from the bloat that I knew would be there -- which I have been willing to just deal with in the past -- I realized that the price for my actions was too big.

Perhaps the contrast between who I have been in these last weeks, with my working out and taking more risks in my artistic life (and needing myself to be "all there" mentally and physically to feel the confidence I need for these artistic endeavors), compared with the person I feel I am when I stuff my face, was just very stark. Yes, it was. And, I don't like that latter life. I loathe it, actually. And, that was the whole reason I chose to do something about it in the first place. I do not want to go back there, and I can't stand it even for a day anymore; it is actually extremely repugnate to me.

Well, more later.

Cheers to All, and thank you so much for your support.

Karli

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 9:36 am

It is just a duality you will have to come to terms with-the dissonance. Because you ARE both people.

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 9:39 am

ha ha... no, I am not. I am one person, who at most does both things. But, I refuse to accept that I will have to live that way for the rest of my life.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 9:43 am

Karli wrote:ha ha... no, I am not. I am one person, who at most does both things. But, I refuse to accept that I will have to live that way for the rest of my life.

I meant they are both part of who you are. You can change but you must accept the good and the bad to purge the bad.

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 10:17 am

Well, the main point is that I get to choose how I want to live my life, and I do not like living my life through stuffing my face. I do not have to accept that as a natural part of my life, and I can work on accepting a life without it. If that wasn't the case, then what am I fighting for ? I would much rather be active, as I have been, have a balanced diet, and have the confidence these things bring with them. It's my every right to accept that on a daily basis.

Will it happen on a daily basis for the rest of my life ? Probably not. And, I suppose on some level I have to at least accept a sense of patience with myself as I live. But, I refuse to accept that old life back in any form.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 10:27 am

Karli, there is no reason that you have to stuff your face for the rest of your life. I have no idea if you are an addictive overeater at all. However from the little I have gleaned, you incorporated maladaptive coping mechanisms into your life at a very young age. In psychological terms, we begin to integrate these into our personalities, so they are part of who we are. I have borderline personality disorder. Not that you do. I am using that as an example. It is considered a personality disorder because the personality itself, who I am, has absorbed these behaviors such as cutting, bulimia, disruptive relationships into who I am. It doesn't mean I have to continue to do these things but I might fall back on one every once in a while because it is what I KNOW works to change the way I feel. Early circumstances of my life taught me to take care of myself in these ways and they became part of who I am. That is all I meant earlier.

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 10:33 am

I do see your point, but none of that is news to me. People really have no idea how long certain roads have been for me (nobody really knows that about each other anyway). But, if I just accepted most of what humanity tries to label me as, I would be dead or wandering the streets in insanity by now. I do not believe that our identity is made up entirely of, and limited to what our "personality" and cultural upbringing is. And, once again, the point is that I get to accept a new life for myself.

I know you do not mean any harm and that you are probably just trying to help. And, my response to you is not personal. I am just fightin' like hell right now against what certain things are trying to tell me that I am.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 10:36 am

Karli wrote:
I know you do not mean any harm and that you are probably just trying to help. And, my response to you is not personal.

I am probably just trying to help? What else would I be trying to do? Exercise my fingers? I find that rather offensive.

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 10:37 am

bikipatra wrote:I am probably just trying to help? What else would I be trying to do? Exercise my fingers? I find that rather offensive.

Sorry that you are choosing to take it that way, but none of this is about you.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 10:42 am

Karli wrote:
bikipatra wrote:I am probably just trying to help? What else would I be trying to do? Exercise my fingers? I find that rather offensive.

Sorry that you are choosing to take it that way, but none of this is about you.

Oh, I thought it was. :roll:

Sorry for assuming that we should try to help others on here rather than just pat, pat on the back. If that's what you want, you can have it. There. there, Karli. It will all be okay. You are doing GREAT!!!! You are all of our heroes!!! Is that better???

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 10:43 am

bikipatra wrote:
Karli wrote:
bikipatra wrote:I am probably just trying to help? What else would I be trying to do? Exercise my fingers? I find that rather offensive.

Sorry that you are choosing to take it that way, but none of this is about you.

Oh, I thought it was. Sorry for assuming that we should try to help others on here rather than just pat, pat on the back. If that's what you want, you can have it. There. there, Karli. It will all be okay. You are doing GREAT!!!! You are all of our heroes!!! Is that better???

Bad girl, Biki :mrgreen:

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 10:44 am

I was just trying to make you happy!

Karli · by **Karli** » March 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

Well, whatever it is, Biki girl, get it outta your system. If you need to use me and my journal for it, fine. I will still love you

.

bikipatra · by **bikipatra** » March 27th, 2007, 10:49 am

Karli wrote:Well, whatever it is, Biki girl, get it outta your system. If you need to use my journal for it, fine. I will still love you .

The point is you use your journal quite efectively to get it out of your system. If you want us to be silent bystanders, say so. I really was just trying to help. If you need to make this about me, go ahead and do that too.

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