The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

Karli-

I understand your struggle. Though I've never done some of the things you have done, what we've both been doing is something self-destructive. Whether that comes from an intention to hurt yourself or a messed up form of taking care of yourself, the fact remains that somewhere in our hearts and heads we've said it's ok to destroy ourselves.

Somehow coming to the conclusion that we deserve better than that takes a long time. And then to think that perhaps not only should we be treating ourselves better, but MAYBE, just MAYBE we should be loving ourselves in SPITE of EVERYTHING - now there's a scary thought. Scary because it means we've got to let go of some stuff we've been hanging onto for dear life.

I applaud you for having the courage to try and make a better life for yourself.

I understand your fear of feeling. For me the fear was/is the worst of it. That big clot of fear that makes me feel immobilized IS as bad as it gets. The emotions underneath the fear - if I can let them out - I realize that they weren't the big monster, the fear was. And once I did it, found that it was never as bad or hard to do again. I guess when I'm trying to resist it or cover it up there's this irrational thought that having whatever feeling it is is going 'to kill me' (I know that sounds dumb) but then once I just get it over with, it's like....'oh ok, that wasn't fun but I'm still standin and I think I feel better '.

At least that's how it was/is in my experience.....

[bikipatra]

Karli-



I understand your fear of feeling. But I can tell you that the fear - that's the worst of it Karli. That big clot of fear that's making you feel immobilized IS as bad as it gets. The emotions underneath the fear - if you can let them out and get relief - you'll realize that they weren't the big monster, the fear was. And once you do it and find that out, it's never as bad or hard to do again.

At least that's how it was in my experience.....

I think the feelings will come out in their own time, when they're supposed to. Pushing it can make it worse and you don't want to go there alone. The fear wasn't worse than the pain for me. Pain made me cut myself. Pain made me start taking overdoses at age 12. Fear was a defense mechanism. We can only handle so much pain at a time. Just my experience.

[Lizabette]

And speaking of moving on, I weighed in at 167.5 this morning, marking my 70 pound loss in about 8 months time. I don't want to move into the next club yet as I need the motivation to reach Sunday in order to make it official. Just keeping my fingers crossed that I will do what I need to do in order to fend off any major freak outs between now and then.


KARLI DEAR,
Your posts of your M/F and Life journey are very moving. I wish I had the right words to express it.
You have lost 70 pounds in 8 months, so you are doing a lot of things right!
You are working things out daily that are right for YOU at this time, and they are working!
Your circumstances/feelings will be changing as you are changing, but look how far you have already come!
And you WILL go the length because you "have the courage to continue on."
Many of us on this journey with you care deeply for you and will stay with you all the way!

[Karli]

Well, I have to say I had kind of expected for everybody to slowly and quietly back away from my thread after I said everything I did in my last post. I kind of expected to be dropped off the boards ... hee hee. But, you kind and wonderful people have proven me wrong and have been very accepting of me. Thank you . You have all given me stuff to think about and keep with me. I really feel supported .

One thing that I realized this morning is that I would like to have more gratitude for the food that is in my life, whether it's MF or not. I think it's safe to say that I have spent a bit of time in my life taking meals, overflowing grocery stores, and full plates of food, for granted. I will admit, I get a little angry everytime I go to our favorite grocery store and they continuously seem to be improperly equipped to have ordered enough LF cottage cheese in the size container that I want and are therefore out of it. Talk about spoiled .

So, being grateful for my food is something I have always wanted to do, and sometimes I have been better about it than other times. But, I really see having this well thought out plan that we have on MF, and any food in general as quite a blessing that I can be very grateful for. And, I need to take more time when I am eating it. Sometimes I just scarf it down, most the time because I feel I am in a huge hurry, but, I think I can be better about this even if I am in a hurry.

Anyway, just some thoughts for today. I feel like something in me is shifting... thanks to so many wonderful people here.

I weighed in at 167, even, today. Another half pound gone overnight. I will take it.

MF plan for the day :

6 -- oatmeal
9 -- Hot drink or shake or eggs
12 -- Bar
3 -- Shake
6 -- L/G
9 -- Hot drink or pudding

[bikipatra]

WE love you Karli, Karl and you can't do a thing about it!

[Karli]

Thanks, Biki girl .


I just felt like posting in here again because today has been... well, easy. I love easy days. Something is different for me right now, something has shifted in my thought, and I am grateful.

At the same time, I have now learned that things may not always be easy for me. I am not going to be blind-sided by the difficulty I sometimes seem to have. I don't know what all of my decisions will be in the future, but I know I don't have to try to make them all right now. I get to take it one day, one meal at a time.

I have loved my meals today. I had two meals of chicken and wild rice soup. I just adore the shitake mushroom flavor and bits in the soup. And, tonight hubby and I are going to celebrate Valentines day with a fish dinner. Mahi Mahi. It's one of my favorite dinners.

I just feel like documenting a random NSV -- the only pair of jeans that I have (or the only pair of pants of any kind) is a pair that I inherited from my hubby about 15 pounds back. They fit me then and were a little big, but these days I have had to roll them over on top to keep them on. And, they are ridiculously big now. Also, my stomach is really starting to be flat. And, to my surprise, my general physique is starting to be the lean and mean machine I want to be. I have been blessed with no extra skin and so on. No hairloss. And, though things will change when I really hit the weight room again, I am starting to see the muscles that I always knew were buried under the fat.

I am realizing that I am actually able to get the physique back that I want, and that I am doing it healthily, too. Sometimes I have felt like it's not possible, even if I lost all the weight. I guess I just forgot what it looked like as I wear it. It is very convincing to me to keep going.

Cheers,
Karli

[nickieluv]

Well, Karli, you may need to rethink posting those goal pictures then or who knows what tawdry sites they'll wind up on, you sexy thing!

Hope you got my meaning there. I'm very happy for you for being happy with your body. It's such a huge victory and I don't think many women can say that - even those who haven't had weight problems. That's a big goal for me - whatever shape I end up in at the end, to own it and love it - skin flaps or not, bald or not.

[Karli]

Nickie, you are really funny. . I will admit, I am going to be willing to embrace my sexiness .

So, I just came back from a hard hike/trail run with doggy and hubby. I ate an extra bar before we went and I went and went until I could feel that I had burned it off. I am just in the kindergarten of some new life for myself, but, the glimpses I get of it are pretty great. I did so well. My husband was truly surprised at my ability to just go up the hillside. And frankly, so was I. My knees didn't hurt, I was not winded... I was just working like a machine. I was working from my very core. I love that feeling.

Today was strange in that I realized that I have lost weight because I decided to. And, I lost weight because I made the right choices and because I ate the right way. This is huge to me. So many times in my past I would decide to lose weight and that mainly meant that I would eat whatever I wanted and in whatever quantity I would, and then barf it up. It was never a feeling of accomplishment to have dropped the weight because I didn't have to change anything about my character... I just had to sell my soul.

Well, I haven't sold my soul. It just dawned on me in one little glimpse today that I haven't cheated myself like that. Yes, I had a small bout with purging, but, I won. And, that had nothing to do with weightloss. Everything I have lost, I have earned and it's often been easy, and sometimes I have had to fight for it. And, though that scares me a bit, I am proud of it. I have lost weight and changed my life, not just because I am "on some program" but because I have decided to do it (though I feel like the program made it possible for me to make the right decisions). I have decided what to put in my mouth, and what not to. And even though I have sometimes made some sketchy decisions... I have lost 70 pounds . I must be doing something right, and I must be doing that more often than I am doing something wrong. Once I hit goal, I will have lost 1/3 of myself !!

One thing I have realized over the last couple of days is that what really matters is my honesty and sincerity with myself. It's just time for that.


Cheers,
Karli

[bikipatra]

You sound like you are doing very well Karli! Good to hear!

[DonicaB]

Well, I have to say I had kind of expected for everybody to slowly and quietly back away from my thread after I said everything I did in my last post.

No way, Karli.......would you get rid of us that easy. If there is one thing we all have in common........it is some sort of self-destruction.

I am just in the kindergarten of some new life for myself, but, the glimpses I get of it are pretty great.

I read a book once called, "Everything I've learned, I learned in Kindergarten." It sounds to me like you are really learning a great deal about yourself and really looking deeply into who you are and who you want to be.

Today was strange in that I realized that I have lost weight because I decided to. And, I lost weight because I made the right choices and because I ate the right way.

Amen to that, sister. You have done all of this........the decisions you have made.......your desires.........and your strengths.

So many times we place so much emphasis on our weaknesses that we forget we even have strengths. It is time we celebrate our strengths and our accomplishments.

Then.....there are other times we look at ourselves through rose-colored stain glass windows and refuse to see the weaknesses within. We just pretend everything is OK. (I am so guilty of this!) I think you are definitely looking at yourself with crystal clear clarity.

One thing I have realized over the last couple of days is that what really matters is my honesty and sincerity with myself. It's just time for that.

I think you have made some great strides in reaching down into your soul and looking at yourself with honesty and sincerity.

You've definitely gotten me to thinking about some things in my life......some areas that I believe I need to do some soul searching on......but, I will save that for my journal.

DonicaB

[nickieluv]

Karli;

It's interesting that you and I seem to have been on the same page yesterday - taking ownership of the good things in our lives. And I'm glad you were able to get out on a hike and feel so strong and purposeful. You really are going to make the life you want. Enjoy living today!

*edit* OK, so I guess it wasn't so amazing we were on the same page - I went and read my journal after this and I see you stole my idea! Actually, I'm really glad I could spark something for you for a change!

[Karli]

*warning, this is an epic posting* ... hee hee.

Well, weighed in 3 times at 166.5 this morning -- that's my normal "make it official" routine. But, later on I stepped on again to see if maybe it dropped another half a pound (which it often does after I am awake for about 15/30 mins), but it was actually up again. I am hoping that tomorrow will be at least as low as what I am deciding to count today (I am counting what I reported since I technically should not have weighed again after having done my normal rountine with three magic times and it falling in my 15/30 mins of being awake time).

Anyway. Some interesting things are going on for me inside. Some of it is too fresh to put into words... I really like to let stuff ripen in there before I commit it to wording (because it's just really important to me to be able to live up to the things that I say (which doesn't always happen)).

I will briefly share one little aspect of it that I KNOW is ready for words; I have had some kind of click in myself about re-defining what "binge" means to me. I glimpsed something about this a few weeks back when I was struggling with some stuff. I realized the need to define what exactly a binge is (for me). But lately it has meant even more to me and has become even more pertinent for me. I guess that's all I will say about it right now.

In other news, but in areas that still affect my eating, I have been going through a process of weeding out of my psyche worries that I simply shouldn't need to have about my life, yet still "want" to hold onto or carry around with me. I mentioned some stuff along these lines awhile back, but now I have a stronger dose of what it means to me and I feel a little more active in taking it seriously. I even know why I seem to "want" to hold onto these worries, too. That's all the more specific I will get about this particular subject for now.

This last bit is pretty important to me because I know that one of my triggers is to eat out of anxiousness. Something I have been working with over the past few years, just as a general self-improvement, is this exact feeling of anxiousness that I, after a point, let run rampid in myself (and this had a very negative affect on my life). A lot has changed for me with this over the years, but I still see the need to get even better. Ultimately, what this all means to me is that I will free up my mind and my energy to really focus on a different kind of life.

This different kind of life is one that is richer and deeper than ever. Better love, more soul, bolder artistry. I recognize that I have let myself focus too much on "projects" like losing weight -- always keeping the need and desire to lose weight around in order to have this focus in my life -- to be able to say that I am really living from my core. My core calls to be heard and listened to; it wants a life (and a BIG one at that -- it needs A LOT of space), but I am scared to listen to it and live it. Now that this particular "project" of losing weight is so far underway and in "danger" of coming to a close, of sorts, I find that part of me who "needed" that focus to be somewhat in a panic at times.

"Well, where do I go ? What do I now ?" Pretty soon there will be no use for that part of me who focused so much on needing to lose weight. This is the fundamental cause behind my "freak outs" about reaching goal, I believe. I guess it's just time to step up to the plate a little more now.

And, moving back to the idea of my core needing a lot of space in life, funnily enough I realize even more clearly my fear or shyness about "taking up space." I have felt this to an extent because of my physical characteristics (being tall, being fat) but, really, I am even more afraid of this in really claiming and taking the kind of space my core tells me it needs to help it thrive. This is a very interesting point that I will pay attention to.

My journey is all about separating the dross from the gold. It's funny. I listened to the recording of my last concert. Even though I have recieved some very positive feedback, when I heard it, I couldn't stand it. I sounded "pretty," sure, and there were things that I could do with that -- I have developed a sense of control with that. And, it's not that I want to sound ugly, but, I can hear a certain fear of being ugly in my voice. What I hear in my voice is a reflection of a deeper characteristic that I realize the need to come to terms with; I am afraid that by living my life from my core, I will somehow be uglier and be cast out of society. That sounds extreme, but that's what it actually boils down to. In essence, what this translates to is that I fear that by being more of me, I will somehow get uglier. And, I mean ugly in all senses of that word. I am afraid that I will have to face my ugliness as a human being (and actually, I probably do need to do that), and, of course I don't want to see that. Maybe because I think I don't know what to do with it.

But, as I said up above in a previous post, what matters most is my sincerity and honesty with myself. Maybe it's time to let myself really look into the mirror.

Something else that I have realized is that I really live my life with my face. I recognize this sense that I have felt throughout most of my life that if my face looks a certain way -- pretty, pleasant, happy, satisfied -- everything will be okay. Well, this is *HUGE* to me. It's time to live my life with my entire self, including my entire body. I guess that's why I love athletics so much. Even that, being an athlete, is taking on a whole new, deep, wonderful meaning to me. I see how important it is to my sense of identity. hee hee... well, I am now feeling very inspired.

I will go now.

MF plan for the day :

7 -- oatmeal
10 -- shake or hot cocoa
1 -- bar
4 -- RTD
7 -- L/G
9 -- pudding or hot cocoa

[nickieluv]

Wow. I see that you've been up to a lot in the last couple of days. Congratulations on finding out what has been triggering your nervousness about reaching goal. It makes perfect sense to me that you would feel that way. And I can completely relate to not wanting to take up too much space - to stay out of everyone's way as it were. To stay under the radar. I don't think you can get away with that, though - even from your posts I always feel your life and your vitality bubbling over. The world needs you and everything you can offer. Let us have it!

[Serendipity]

Karli,

Don't worry about filling your time after you reach goal. It takes more work and planning to maintain than to stay on plan. It's a whole new obsession opportunity!

[DogMa]

Hey, Karli. I'm just catching up from vacation and reached your posts from the past few days. I really have nothing to add here, but you definitely aren't losing any of us with this stuff. I think many of us have a lot of the same issues, even if we've dealt with them differently throughout our lives.