The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

I am so glad your performance went well! I know I've said I wish I could be where you are professionally and giving concerts, but reading your journal reminds me of how much work and stress and fear that entails and I know I couldn't handle it right now! Baby steps for me in that arena, too, I guess.

Well, I understand completely about the baby steps. But, it sounds like you keep yourself pretty busy with performing at weddings and so on... I know that can get pretty intense sometimes !

Oh, and I remember linking to one of your vocals online - can you do that for some other performances?

Yes, what I have right now is mostly just mp3's that I have downloaded to my computer from my little recording device. The only thing is, I think we are not allowed to post any links here anymore (or maybe we never were and I broke the rules... sorry ), so I will either send it private message or if that doesn't work, maybe something else will . Thanks for your interest .

I would love someday to do a 2-piano 4-hands concert but it's so hard to find someone who's up for that. Have you ever done something like that?

Yeah, I have done a little bit of this. It's actually really, really fun, as you might imagine. Over the years, different friends and I have talked about doing some kind of duo but it has never really worked out. There are duos, of course, on the National and International scene; it can be pretty spectacular but the repertoire is obviously a little bit more limited than solo stuff.

Well, this got pretty off the MF track. Have a great, normal 5-1 day!

I don't mind at all . One thing that I aim for in my life is to have food and my eating habits not STILL be the main occupant in my thoughts for the day. And, well, music is my life right now and I love talking about it . Although like Biki said, sometimes it's still the main thing I think about during the day (that's just annoying to me).

jlaman, thanks for stopping by and for your support ! I appreciate it .


Okay. Now for the MF talk of the day. Weighed in at 168, even, this morning, meaning I lost half a pound overnight. One thing that I have noticed throughout my journey is that I generally always have a downward slope to my weighing in, unless I do something off-program. Sometimes it will stay the same from day to day, but, generally when I lose the weight it stays away, though there have been a few minor fluctuations once in a while (like last Sunday it went up half a pound overnight). I am pretty grateful for that. This region of weight that I am in right now seems to have been a little more fluctuating for me.

ANYWAY, I am relearning when to recognize that my cravings are merely mental and therefore not something I need to give into. I somehow forgot about this particular aspect of the game. I know I am getting all the nutrition that I need... I know that I am not starving. If I am craving something in particular sometimes, it is just mental; an old tape.

We had leftover Mexican food from the other night sitting in our fridge. I had forgotten about it completely since I generally haven't had much reason to get into the fridge over the last several days (eating L/G's out and then what other reason would I need to get into the fridge ?). But then, I went into the fridge yesterday to check out the L/G situation, and there were the leftovers staring me in the face. For some reason I love cold Mexican food leftovers. Well, I felt a little tempted, I will admit. I wished that I could just gulp it down and feel the textures and so on... but I didn't.

I just put the packages back in the fridge (I even took it out just to look at it... now that's stupid) for hubby if he wanted it later on. I don't want to always be living on that edge, it's such a waste of time, thought, and energy and that very fact actually ignites me; it just gets me really mad. But, I will admit, I can't seem to imagine my life without some sort of chained connection to those old cravings. Either always running from them, or giving into them. I recognize that something's got to change here, I am just not sure it truly can. Anyway.


MF plan for the day :

7 -- hot cocoa
10 -- L/G
12:30 -- RTD or Bar
3:30 -- RTD or Bar
6 -- RTD
9 -- chai latte

[bikipatra]

I think the cravings were normal, especially if you love cold Mexican food! (I do too!!!)

[DonicaB]

But, I will admit, I can't seem to imagine my life without some sort of chained connection to those old cravings. Either always running from them, or giving into them. I recognize that something's got to change here, I am just not sure it truly can.

Karli~ I have wondered if it is possible to ever get past that chained connections to old cravings. I wish I had the answer. I am so hoping that some day I won't care. I hope that I so enjoy being thin and healthy that food and cravings become such a small aspect of my life instead of such a huge part of it.

Acutally when I look around me and see all of the things in my life that I truly enjoy doing........none of them are about food. I love teaching (no food there)......I love being a wife and mom (no food).......I love singing (no food)........I love antiques (yep, you guessed it....no food). I even enjoy cooking (notice I didn't say love).....and even though that is food.....it isn't why I enjoy it. I guess what I am trying to say is......food doesn't make me who I am. Maybe food isn't such a huge part of my life after all. So why then do I give it so much control?

Karli, you already know that food doesn't make you who you are. Let's both stop letting food have so much control over us. There is so much more out there.

Just some of my humble thoughts.

DonicaB

[nickieluv]

Can't wait for the pm, Karli! Can't wait to hear it all.

On cravings - I kind of think they will always be there. I also don't think it's such a bad thing to give in sometimes, either - just not in the ways I have in the past. For example - once I am in maintenance, if I really want a taco or an oreo, I plan to let myself have one. Note - ONE. Not 3 tacos and a huge plate of nachos, or half a bag of oreos with a gallon of milk. However, I should not keep these things in the house on a regular basis, and I will not be ordering in every meal and eating nothing all day just to save room to stuff more and more in at night.

I don't believe that maintenance means you can't eat what you used to eat entirely, but that it means you can't eat the WAY you used to eat. Like maybe going out to eat once a month instead of once a week. And not ordering an appetizer, drink, meal, and dessert once you get there.

So, if you like cold Mexican food, then when you're in maintenance, who says you can't have some for lunch? A reasonable portion, though. Personally, and my attitudes may change on this journey, but right now I can still see myself getting McDonald's someday - as a treat, as an occasional thing, and not ordering the whole left side of the menu.

As usual I didn't mean to be this long, and I may be completely off track and deluding myself - but those are my thoughts on this right now.

[bikipatra]

In itself, there is nothing wrong with craving food. The benchmarks that define any society are what you can eat and who you can sleep with-food is important culturally and for life itself. By seeing it as only a way of sustaining ourselves is not healthy at all and we are robbing ourselves of enjoying food when we are in maintenance and can have a bit of it. Food is supposed to taste good and make you want to eat it. Medifast knows that-why do you think they have so many flavors and varieties?

[Karli]

I want to thank you ladies for your very helpful replies. I agree with all of them ! Donica, you make some really good points and it helps to remind me that my life does go beyond food and eating. And, I think it's interesting what you say about cooking because, for special occasions, I absolutely *love* to cook. And, I realized after your post that it's not about the eating as much as I feel like it can be a form of art . I love making a fantastic meal for company that I care about (however, my definition of "fantastic" continuously changes, too).

And Nickie, I also think it's okay to go junky once in awhile. I guess that's where I just need some work because I would live in junk for months and then live in health for A month, and then go junk for a longer while and so on (though, I will say this was NOT the most detrimental aspect of my older eating habits). Basically, it didn't balance out. And, I don't plan to do anything like that in maintenance, but, there are certain types of food I will allow myself like once or twice a month or something like that.

Along those lines, I can hear some kind of snickering going on from anybody who might look at my track record and think I am fooling myself. But, what I struggle with while I am "on-program" is the desire for a certain kind of balance in my diet NOW. Which, I am just needing to better cope with.

The hugest thing for me is going to be staying OUT OF BINGE-MODE. PERIOD (I would binge on food that was actually considered healthy, too). To some extent, I don't care how much junk I have during a month if I never cross into stuffing myself silly or "out of control." And for me, it seems that if I allow myself some leeway with this, it keeps me safe from binging. For example, on days off that I have had more recently, I was able to decide what I was going to eat and keep it at that. That is HUGE for me and at that point I care a lot less about what the program READS or being up a couple of pounds (for a day or two) than I do about having stayed completely under control with something like popcorn.

Anyway, I am getting .... "there." When I took my "big" hike/trail run last week it dawned on me that I was truly not doing it to try to lose weight. I realized I was doing it just because I could and I loved it and enjoyed it and felt like an athlete. It's been dawning on me that this is where I am getting to overall in my life. I have some more pounds that I would like to shed, but, things are pretty darn good. I like where I am getting to, very much, and this includes an acute (and still growing) sense of knowing myself, my eating habits, and knowing how I and my body react to various things .

Speaking of which, I weighed the same this morning. 168, even. Yesterday I freaked out about my weight a little bit, and decided to include some things about my eating that didn't define the 5/1 program, but which I knew would not knock me out of ketosis and would probably not make me gain (though I knew I probably wouldn't lose, either) and I am pretty stoked about that right now. I feel ready for another strictly 5/1 day and to shed some more weight this week (or whenever it decides to leave me).

MF plan for the day :

7 -- oatmeal
10 -- shake
1 -- bar
4 -- RTD or shake
6:15 -- L/G
9 -- hot cocoa


Cheers to all,
Karli

[nickieluv]

Karli;

If I'm reading you right, it sounds like you are working towards balance in and control over your eating. I think those are the two key ingredients for lifelong maintenance, and you are doing well for yourself to be aware of them now. Part of me wonders if people who have never had a weight problem just intrinsically know how to have balance and control, or if they're just really, really lucky. But I am reassured that these are things you can learn even if you're not 'born with' them! I truly want to learn those lessons well, so that I can teach them to my children and spare them the struggles I have had. Thank you for continuing to post so honestly, even when you are not 'completely' 5&1. I always learn something from you.

[Serendipity]

I'm confused, Karli. While I was on program, even one bite of popcorn would have meant that I wasn't in control. So if I had stopped at 2 or 3 or 4 bites, while that would have been an accomplishment, it would have still been uncontrolled eating until I stopped. I don't know, it just seems to me that any off program eating could be considered uncontrolled even if it's just a few bites. The control comes in after the bites are finished. Now, have I confused you as much as you confused me?

[Karli]

I'm confused, Karli. While I was on program, even one bite of popcorn would have meant that I wasn't in control. So if I had stopped at 2 or 3 or 4 bites, while that would have been an accomplishment, it would have still been uncontrolled eating until I stopped. I don't know, it just seems to me that any off program eating could be considered uncontrolled even if it's just a few bites. The control comes in after the bites are finished. Now, have I confused you as much as you confused me?

No, I am not confused by what you say here. And, just for the record, I didn't have any popcorn last night. But, I couldn't look at another supplement, either. Sometimes I get like that. So, I ate a mini L/G and a MF compliant snack instead (and I had already had a L/G during the day). This is similar to a day on maintenance, so you could say that I decided to maintain for a day. For me, that was controlled, although I realize it opens pandora's box, to some extent. I don't recommend that people do this, btw, it's just something that I chose yesterday.

But, back to the popcorn. I agree with you, of course. One bite = non-compliancy to the program. But, I don't ALWAYS equate non-compliancy to the program to being out of control with one's eating. For you and for some others, I think that's what it means. I think that's a decision we make. Right now, I equate binging to being out of control of my eating.

I will admit though, I am still learning. I am learning as I go. When I am not dealing with all of the weird stuff that seems to happen mentally for me with my weight, the plan is easy. And, when it's easy, it's just easy. And, I feel like things are maybe always supposed to be easy for me in this department since I am using MF as a tool in my life and there are people here who say "what's the problem, this is easy !", but sometimes they just aren't for me. Sorry to say.

Now, in thinking about all of this a bit, I see another level I could maybe cross over into that I haven't been willing to touch. I remember Lauren talking about going ahead and screaming and so on in order to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. Well, that is something I haven't done. For my entire life, I have worked very hard to hold everything inside. So, when I start getting into turmoil over eating (and I think this turmoil is always stemming from something else), and I am sorry, but at this point I need to accept that I DO seem to get into turmoil over it, instead of letting what I feel out in some other way... it festers until I am ready to explode. And, low and behold, this brings about a binge. This has been an aspect of my life that has felt truly out of my control for a lot of it. And, when I weigh the two "evils," I will, hands down, take a small bowl of popcorn over a full out binge and purge, ANYDAY .

So, in trying to recognize my triggers and be aware of what's going on with me, if I have started to feel that coming on, I have been able to curb the binge with a decision that sometimes IS to stay on program, and sometimes is not. At that point, my only care is to not binge.

But, maybe I need to get a punching bag or something. Maybe I need to be willing to cry my guts out and roll around on the floor in the foetal position until I stop. That's what I feel like I need to do sometimes in order to stop myself from going "off program." And I start thinking to myself ... "why do I care about staying on some "program" this badly ?" One could say I have just as many "issues" to deal with surrounding all of this as the next. So, yeah, I guess I don't really want to look at all that stuff or feel it... but maybe I have to in order to get past this point.

Well, I am going to stop writing for now because I have actually touched on something very important to me and I guess I need to go feel it and cry for a bit.

[nickieluv]

For my entire life, I have worked very hard to hold everything inside....
...Well, I am going to stop writing for now because I have actually touched on something very important to me and I guess I need to go feel it and cry for a bit.

Karli;

I don't want to get in the way of you feeling what you need to feel, but I wanted to tell you I know what you are going through in this one respect.

I hate to cry. I hate to express emotion (except anger, which I seem to have no trouble with ). I always feel that when I do I am seen as weak or sick or out of control or the dreaded 'typical woman' who can't take care of herself or is trying to be manipulative somehow. I don't know if any of these are your same reasons for holding things in but that's my list. Sometimes you just need a good cry. I cry at Kleenex commercials because it just needs an outlet sometimes, since I can't cry or express anything over the 'real' issues in my life.

Somewhere along the line I got the impression that it's wrong to cry or to admit you have any emotions at all. If I had to guess I'd say it came from my father's example - he dealt with almost all emotions with humor instead of what you'd expect - love, fear, sadness - but again, he had no problem with anger.

Today I am going through a similar thing - I am upset about something, but I'm not sure what yet, and all day long I've just wanted to eat any and every junk food item in the house. But food is not what I need, and I know that - I just don't know what I DO need or want, and that is very frustrating.

Sometimes all you need is someone to tell you that it's OK to have feelings. So I am telling you that, in case that's what you need. Tell your husband you just need him to hold you and help you feel safe as you get used to letting out your emotions. Have a great big gut-wrenching cry. It will be OK. You'll survive it, you'll probably feel better, and you can move on to other ways to express things.

I'm sending you psychic hugs.

[ELK]

Karli -

Your weight loss journey has struck a chord in me, and I follow yours almost as closely as mine. Although you may or may not know it, you project a certain serenity, wisdom, understanding and kindness in your posts. I am grateful that you maintain a journal, and I know you are going to succeed. Maybe not in the same way that the commercial spokesmen for Medifast talk about - - never feeling hungry, never having cravings, never eating off plan - - but I believe that you are going to get to goal and maintain, even if it means a few bites off-plan now & then. I know you aren’t advocating eating off plan, but I agree that eating a few bites off plan is better than a full-blown binge. I also like that you are examining yourself to see if there are reasons for the cravings. Frankly though, I sometimes get tired of the analyzing of what makes me tick, I eat a few bites off plan (admittedly I usually I wish I hadn’t), and then I move on in my weight loss journey.

[Karli]

WOW, well, I have awoken with some kind of huge fire burning inside of me !! It's the fire of LIFE, baby .

First off, I want to thank you, Jo, for your comments. Your perspective always pushes me to clarify my own, and rest-assured, I am always taking in your example and what you have to say. Please always feel free to post your thoughts in my journal. I have realized some more stuff as I thought over your post, stuff I can't really put into words right now, but it's good, none-the-less. I need a little kick in the pants once in awhile and yesterday I did indeed need it (and you knew it, too), and after reading your post yesterday and then responding, everything became clear for me and the day became easy.

Nickie, I want to thank you very much for your kindness and for giving me permission to feel. Sometimes I need that. I know exactly what you mean about crying at kleenex commercials because it needs an outlet. Now if I can make myself cry when I realize I really need it. I did go ahead and cry pretty hard after my last post up there. I was crying about all sorts of things... why ? I have no idea. There was no good explanation for me crying over some of the things I cried over yesterday except that I suspect those things have a lot to do with my eating issues. I cried and edited my post and then... well, I felt better. A lot better. The rest of the day became really easy and that incessant need for food just left me. I felt full.

ELK, thank you SO much for posting in. I felt my entire body relax after reading your post. Thank you very much for your kind words, I appreciate it . And, you're right, I will just keep going. Sometimes there is stuff that I can easily see and recognize the need to pay attention to, and sometimes I have no idea what the *** is going on with me. Either way, I realized that if moving forward with my weightloss is what I want to be doing, nothing has to stop me. I will just deal with what comes up along the way.

So, speaking of moving along. I woke up with the fire of life in me. Yeah, ironically enough, MF may not want me as a poster girl, but there are plenty of people in my everyday life who are very inspired by what they have witnessed me doing. And, when they ask what I have been doing, I tell them. I do advocate MF, I think it's an incredibly smart and amazing program. Following it can provide amazing results.

But since this is my journal and I am working this all out as I go, I have to say that one of the realizations I had this morning when I awoke is that my journey is not about MF, it's about me. My journey has reflections in the particulars of how I go about it, but it's certainly not limited to them. This journey is HUGE; it's LIFE-SIZE. One day this particular chapter of losing weight will just be a little, tiny, but extremely significant, moment in my personal history.

Along those lines, I was recapping some particulars of my life this morning. When I trace a line in my life that has gottten me to where I am "at" today, I have A LOT to celebrate over and be ever so grateful for. And, I am. Here is a small little glimpse :

I was in and out of various counselor's offices from the age of 11 to the age of 20. I have sometimes thought about going back, but since I reached the age of 20, I started down a different path that has ultimately led to much deeper results. During my days of counseling, there was ONE woman who was able to reach me and I consistently saw her for about two years. My life was different as a result, but then, something happened and I slipped back into the myst of the Universe... hee hee. During that time I had a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with the stress I felt everyday growing up. Among other things, I used to cut myself with a razor, I used to drink small amounts of poisonous products, I used to beat myself up, I started drinking alcohol at the age of 12, I locked myself up in my bedroom for hours and hours, and finally I developed eating disorders which seemed to erase all of the other stuff besides locking myself in my bedroom. I was always suicidal (up until I reached the age of about 21 when I finally had a grand "awakening") and very depressed. I was convinced that nobody cared about me, nobody loved me, and that I was not worthy of it even if somebody did. LOL.

Okay, yep, you guessed it. I am feeling pretty intense right now. Why ? Because all of this stuff is staring me right in the face. It's been years since all of that was a manifested part of my life, especially the stuff before my eating disorders, but I feel some sort of running from it all in myself still and in this moment, it all feels pretty close to me. Getting to this weight and this stage somehow means that I have to come to terms with that stuff as well as the "things" that have seemed to cause it. Just typing this stuff feels like murky, muddy, disgusting water. But, I guess I am game.

Now, for those of you who would, at this point, suggest that I see a counselor, rest-assured, I have taken care of that. I have a very special life-coach who has helped me to turn my life around.

So, this morning, as I lay in bed with the fire of life burning inside me, I rejoiced over the fact that this winter has been as smooth as it has. Last winter I dealt with yet another bout of the worst depression I have had. Winters have also typically marked significant weight-gain for me. When I compare the overall arc of what these last several months have been like for me to that of years past, I laugh at the thought that I would be disappointed in myself (though I often still am) for not having always been a perfect "on program" model for others here. I care most about my journey, that's what matters to me. I wish to be very kind to myself, because I need it. I have been extremely mean to myself for too long and I simply refuse to be that any longer. I am grateful that I didn't wait any longer in my life to do this. I am happy that I feel the courage that I do to continue on.

And speaking of moving on, I weighed in at 167.5 this morning, marking my 70 pound loss in about 8 months time. I don't want to move into the next club yet as I need the motivation to reach Sunday in order to make it official. Just keeping my fingers crossed that I will do what I need to do in order to fend off any major freak outs between now and then.

MF plan for the day :

6:30 -- oatmeal
9:30 -- bar
12:30 -- L/G
3:30 -- RTD
5:30 -- shake
8:30 -- RTD or hot cocoa


Cheers,
Karli

[bikipatra]

Your .

I was in and out of various counselor's offices from the age of 11 to the age of 20. I have sometimes thought about going back, but since I reached the age of 20, I started down a different path that has ultimately led to much deeper results. During my days of counseling, there was ONE woman who was able to reach me and I consistently saw her for about two years. My life was different as a result, but then, something happened and I slipped back into the myst of the Universe... hee hee. During that time I had a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with the stress I felt everyday growing up. Among other things, I used to cut myself with a razor, I used to drink small amounts of poisonous products, I used to beat myself up, I started drinking alcohol at the age of 12, I locked myself up in my bedroom for hours and hours, and finally I developed eating disorders which seemed to erase all of the other stuff besides locking myself in my bedroom. I was always suicidal (up until I reached the age of about 21 when I finally had a grand "awakening") and very depressed. I was convinced that nobody cared about me, nobody loved me, and that I was not worthy of it even if somebody did. LOL.

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. A few very minor numbers or factoids but my story. Someone knows how you feel. And frankly, you seem to have handled it better than I have. To quote one of my favorite songs, you're a poster girl with no poster, you are 32 flavors and then some. Congrats on the loss.

[nickieluv]

Karli, I always knew you had much to be proud of, but I didn't really understand what you've had to overcome. You have so much inner strength and I agree with Elk - you are going to succeed - in everything you touch. And you have touched many of us here, so it's good news for everybody!

[Tawanda]

Karli, I'm not sure what to write as I've only read your journal for the past few days, but I did want to reach out and say hello. It sounds like you are doing some very deep soul searching while on this journey and, to me, that is the only way many of us are going to be successful in how we relate to food for the rest of our lives.

I'm appreciate being able to read your journal and to read how you are working through your history and your present -- you are helping others (me) with the insight that you are sharing.

I wish you the best.