The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[KeleeGrl]

It would be my luck that I would be at my ideal weight, go sky diving and my parachute wouldn't open!!

[Karli]

On an MF'ing note ( just for you, Nickie ). This morning is great. I woke up after a great night's sleep weighing in at 172, meaning down another pound overnight. Things have been moving, I guess, and I am grateful for this. I have also been grateful to be seeing a growing strength and resoluteness in my mind as I recognize areas that I can get better in (like explaining my diet needs to people). Just going to keep going in all of these areas.

I am starting to see the figure on my frame that I am looking for as a sign to transition into maintenance (STARTING to see it). That is reassuring as I am indeed seeing some of the areas of fat melting away, that I was wanting to BLOW UP not too long ago. Just trying to keep it real with myself here.

I got some more SF flavorings, a caramel for my coffee (and I guess whatever else) and a chocolate for my ... ? . I do think, though, that I am going to venture back into my strawberry shake supply and give them a whirl with a little chocolate flavoring in them. That might help things out with them.

Plan for the day :

6:30 -- Hot cocoa
9:30 -- Strawberry shake w/choco flavoring
12:30 -- Bar
3:30 -- RTD
6 -- L/G
9 -- ??

[Karli]

Just doing some reflecting, keeping things honest with myself here and working to learn and grow.

I am being reminded of an attitude that I believe I am going to need to part with completely (there are still remiments here and there). Since I was in highschool, I wanted to maintain some image of myself that I felt represented a woman I wanted to see in the world. I was very athletic, having lettered in 5 different sports while I was in school, and I was physically strong. I also did have a big appetite and, I have an older brother whom I have very much looked up to all of my life. We have a lot of similarities. He seemed to be able to eat anything and everything and, of course, he was never in danger of being overweight (that was not a similarity but a DIFFERENCE between us). He was very athletic, too, and could 'wow' the crowd at his football dinners with setting records on how many burgers he could eat in one sitting (they would have contests and he would win).

I guess, I wanted to be something like him. But, even beyond that, in a strange way, I wanted to be able to be one of the boys in general, so-to-speak. I didn't want to resign myself to thinking that women had to be a certain way. That women had to be stick thin (though I wanted that, too ) and be always made up and prim and proper for the men/world. I wanted to be able to eat whatever there was to eat (and not always order a salad) and be okay with it. But okay, as with the boys, I could actually eat in epic proportions, and in a strange way, it was as though I expressed my sense of gender equality in this way (among other ways).

I still see trases of this in my attitude around certain crowds. I don't want to be that hot but anarexic girl who sits at a table full of food, staring while everybody else eats, satisfied to be eye-candy for the others. I don't want to be that, she has no life in my mind and no idea how to express her soul. She fears life and I want to LIVE. But, I see some stuff here that I can work with, the first being the fact that no, I will not starve myself. The second being the fact that my health needs to be first and foremost in my life when it comes to how I eat and stay active during the day, how I sleep and how much work I take on in my life. And then I can deal with whatever "image" of myself that I might be giving. I need to read Sojo's post in-depth. I just haven't been able to do it, yet.

Well, I will stop there for now.


Cheers,
Karli

[Karli]

Okay, more thoughts. After reading through my post just above and through observing a thought-pattern I have been gaining more awareness of lately, I see a need to make a distinction between certain things :

1. There are different types of eating. And, well, that is a big awakening for me because I thought eating was eating, period. But it's not.

2. Equating eating with living. Funny thing is, to an extent, this is actually exactly true. Eventually we will not live if we don't eat. but I don't think it follows in absolute terms that the more we eat, the more we live (other than what we absolutely NEED to live. Here is where I want to disover the difference between types of eating).

With both of those in mind, I am going to do some exploring with them and see what I come up with. THIS IS FUN AND EXCITING . This is LIVING, currently, to me. Developing awareness, taking the reigns in my life, discovering hidden power. It's a life-force that I want to feel in my daily moments.

I can now fit my wedding ring on my middle finger. Further proof to me that I am thinner than when I got married (for some reason that matters to me).


Cheers,
Karli

[dede4wd]

The struggles you are going through are so similar to the ones I'm going through, you just put it so much more eloquantly!

I am working hard on the different "kinds" of eating. I KNOW that my Taco Bell binges because someone said something to are about me are wrong period and simply cannot continue.

I was also very athletic and am working on the difference of being thin and healthy and just thin and thin...if that makes any sense.

I am also juggling the person I want to be with the person I always have been that is emerging. I know it's still "me" in there and I like her, I don't want to change her, I just want to feel better about her and improve her like everyone does.

I am also trying to become more comfortable with the fact that I do inspire people, and people look up to me because of what I have accomplished. I should be happy because of that, not scared!

Thank you for what you wrote, it's helping me work through my things too.

[Karli]

Hi, DeDe . Thanks for stopping by. I, of course, gain very much from your thoughts as well and I appreciate your post here, it just helps me to reflect a little further on what it is that I may be trying to work out. It gives me new insights and also helps me feel like I am not alone in it .

I find myself getting to some kind of big revelation about it all, but it's nothing I can put into words yet. I will say, this is the most in-depth I have ever explored (and been willing to explore) what goes on for me in this department. In my case, I have never been able to admit to myself that I had an eating problem of any kind (including my past) ... and that's actually extremely comical when I think about it !! Even when I first started this program I can see areas where I was in denial about it.

I think it is mostly self-preservation, and something that happens when one doesn't know how to deal with the problem if there is one.

ANYWAY ! Onward we march .


So, weighed in the same this morning (172). Didn't get a full night's sleep, but I did get about 5 hours. I have my first rehearsal this evening for some Opera stuff and I woke up with that music in my head. It would not leave me alone, so after laying bed for an hour, I finally decided to resign myself to being awake early. The good news is that I am getting stuff done around here. I am even making the slightest headway on cleaning my office !!

Because I got up early, I am having an extra meal today. Plan as follows :

5 -- Strawberry shake w/ sf choco flavor (not as good as I hoped)
7 -- Oatmeal
10 -- bar
1 -- L/G
4 -- RTD
6 -- RTD
9 -- RTD (or something else if I am home by then)


Cheers,
Karli

[Taangrl21]

RTD??? I probably should know it, but I am having a moment.What is it?

[Karli]

Oh, it's okay. It stands for "Ready To Drink" ... they are shakes in a carton (like a juice box). Easy for on the go .

[Taangrl21]

Thats what I thought...I shouldnt have doubted myself...Thanks Karli.
Have you started an exercise regimen?

[Karli]

Not really. I find that I do burn calories very fast when I get my whole 'get up' going. So, I am just still kinda weary of doing much of anything more than walking with a little bit of running (emphasis on "little bit" ) while I am still on the fat burning part of the program. I do have all sorts of lifts that I was doing before I started the program, and when I was doing that, my ideal schedule was as follows :

Mon, Wed, Fri : Weight-lifting (I would do all muscle groups) and cardio for about 20 mins

Tues, Thurs, Sat : Cardio for about 45 mins

And then my other ideal was to also include a yoga class or something like that at least twice a week, maybe on the Tues/Thurs. But, when I am really taking my professional life as seriously as I want to be (and have the energy for), I am actually working for about 10-12 hours a day. And, that puts a little damper on some other things.

5:30 -- 7 workout and shower
7-7:30 -- pray/meditate
7:30-9:30 -- voice practice
9:30-2 -- piano practice
2-6 -- teaching

With various activities (rehearsals, concerts, church, church-meetings) in the evenings. ARGH !

Anyway, I have let this slip. I am not yet sure if I can handle this all or not. Everything about my day has to be extremely organized and planned out for that schedule to work for me... but, if I get a little lost in it, it's easy for *everything* to be thrown off. SO, even though you didn't ask about my schedule for the day... you got it ... LOL. I just have to start getting it all back into order again, and sometimes I am not sure where to start. That's why the cleaning my office thing is a goal for me this week.

[Taangrl21]

Your schedule looks great. And yeah running around,house chores, etc. all do burn calories too.Anything to burn calories...and yes you are a busy woman...but I feel it keeps life interesting!

[DonicaB]

Karli~ I have often wondered what skinny people think about all the time. I mean, I think (used to think) about food all the time. I used to tell myself to try and think like a skinny person when it comes to food. NOTE: This was a good thought, but it only worked for me for about 2 days.

I wondered, do skinny people really look at food only as something they have to have in order to survive? Or.....do they just know how to keep everything in moderation? One of my s-n-l has always been thin, so I actually asked her about it. She said she really doesn't think about food at all. She only eats when she is hungry. That didn't work either, because I truly believed I was hungry all the time whether I was or not.

Anyway, all of this to say, that I think you are right on track. It is good that you are trying to become aware of why you eat. This is something I need to work on also. Actually this is something I have put a great deal of thought into already and really haven't come up with many answers.

You're doing great! I enjoy reading your thoughts and posts. Keep it up!

DonicaB

[bikipatra]

I was skinny for most of my adult life. Really thin. 5'7" and 117 pounds. After I got over my eating disorders and out of college I was a workaholic and meeting attender and I ate whatever I wanted. I ate when I was hungry. Whatever I wanted. I didn't obsess over food but I definitely overindulged from time to time-with zero consequences. When we had birthday cake at the office they brought the leftovers over to my desk. They thought it was funny to watch the skinny girl eat huge loads of cake. I was self-obsessed but not about food-it was clothes, appearance, handbags and men. Not necessarily in that order. I always had a hole to fill and eventually a few years ago, with the help of some medications known to promote extreme weight gain (Seroquel for one), all my eating and rekindled boozing began to show!!! 100 pounds in a year. My first year of marriage. Being thin feels the same way as being fat to me-when I am alone. It is only when I see how the world reacts to my fatness is it a problem. I never sat around and said-oh, gee whiz, isn't it great this jacket is a 4 petite??? My pain is still my pain-burdens are the same. In AA we have an expression. If you sober up a drunk horse thief, what are you left with? A sober horse thief! Thinness has no magical powers to make you feel good unless it is the momentary flash of someone admiring your ass. Living hurts sometimes no matter what size you are.

[Karli]

Good evening. Thanks you two for posting in, I am just here quickly at the moment and so I have not read through your posts with the thought I want to put into them, yet.

But, I just got done with my first rehearsal and I am so relieved because I had been stressing about that for a LONG time. Of course it wasn't nearly as stressful as I was imagining, but, you never know (until you do ).

Anyway, I walked out of the rehearsal feeling like I wanted to eat. I was actually genuinely hungry, too, and I wonder if being nervous and stressed actually burns calories differnetly than a normal day does (not that I am not those things in a normal day, it's just way more when I have to perform). Anyway, I thought about adding a supp, but I already am having an extra one today since I woke up at the butt crack of dawn (pardon my french).

I will say though, that different thoughts have come my way about running to this place or that for food... and I have already had my L/G, so I am resisting on all fronts and don't really feel in danger. I am simply wanting to be an aware observer of this. SO :

1. I felt genuinely hungry after rehearsal.
2. I also had the urge to eat just to eat... to celebrate or something.

However, I didn't do either one. I still have some time before my last supp, so I drank a diet soda and that is holding me over for now.

Anyway, I have had thoughts about all of this stuff that I have been pondering lately, meandering it's way through my head all day long. I feel like I am coming to some conclusions about things... looking forward to the words to come with it.

I will say, I am nervous about "maintenence". I honestly don't know for sure if I can do it . I mean, I think it's probably possible for me to, but, I wonder if I will always make the "right" choices ? That scares me.

But, I guess I will just focus on right now and I vow to keep learning and growing. I aim to grow much bigger than this desire to eat. I aim to grow much smarter than this tricky little "eat me, eat me" voice.


Over and out,
Karli

[Taangrl21]

Glad to hear the rehearsal went well despite the hunger afterwards.But you do work up an appetite I'm sure.Even though you had the urge to eat for celebration, you didnt.And that is great progress in gearing you towards your maitenence phase of this program.But like you said worry about that when you get to goal, which wont be long.However,I think you will transition into it well.You have already been ignoring those "eat me, eat me" voices. I think the more that is done the more immune to those thoughts you will become, which will lead you in maintaining your success. I am so excited for you.Way to go Karli.