Wow, thank you very much, eskwyre !! What kind words
. And, thank you, Eric
. Yes, this time it will stick, for both of us
.
Okay. Now, to get down to the nitty gritty. I will admit, I am feeling really stressed out !! I have a LOT of music to learn still and I am really pushing myself with these gigs and I feel my professional life... changing (and that's pretty scary-seeming for me sometimes). These things that I am working on right now feel really big to me and it makes me avoid them. And, the more I avoid them, the worse the stress gets and the greater my anxiety and then the greater the pull to avoid them becomes. It's a vicious cycle
. Sound familiar ?
And, I feel this kind of stress and anxiousness about it all because my first rehearsal starts this Thursday evening and I still have A LOT of work to do !! Anyway, I find myself being drawn to food in ways I shouldn't be
and I don't feel in danger, I just feel a little aware.
So, I am giving myself a little pep talk here and now, and hopefully this will serve me in the future, too :
In this time of feeling the urge to eat, ironically, I am also realizing that I have to say goodbye to binging (so, yeah, it burns a little -- but, I believe there is such a thing as a good burn
). I have to come to terms with that, and I know it would never even come close to giving me the kind of security I am looking for about the challenges I am putting myself through. It won't give me anything good. I am sometimes getting this thought to take comfort in food, like an old worn out record in my head, that I literally have to scratch with the needle and write a new tape over.
I do not need that kind of eating because I am strong enough and brave enough without it. I know where my real strength comes from, and it doesn't come from binging or even nibbling when I don't need it. A
flavor cannot bring me comfort, it has no power. A texture is not a true friend because it has no real life. They also won't learn my music for me, they won't perform for me, they won't clean my room for me, they won't and
cannot live my life for me... All of the life I want is within me, not in binging and un-needed eating. All of the organization and strength and courage that I need is
within me. My life and the life I am looking to live come only by me LIVING it -- *Not* from stuffing things down my throat.
Whatever stress I am facing, I have the power to move through it with courage, and to face whatever fears may come with that territory. That's who I am, and that strength is needed and vital to what I want to accomplish in my life -- therefore it is mine to have and use and own.
I will not always feel this same urgency in my life. My life's circumstances will change and some of it will ease even as of next week. However, doing something to throw me off would last in ways I would prefer it didn't. And, I KNOW this. Therefore, I have the right to decide on my behalf that I am confident enough to not be tempted at every little turn. I am just not fooled this time, nor do I need to be at any time after this.
I can have peace in this decision, and I do.