The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[shineface]

Friends, Friends, Friends ---

Tami, DC, Camille, SU, Nelly, Mike, et al--

You guys are the best. I have been taking your posts and putting them to use - this doesn't always work because at times, logic eludes me...BUT I always get logic tempered with a lot of wisdom and heart. Great combo.

Yes, I do need to be angry, yes I do need to put me first, yes I do need to come to terms with what I really want in my life -- reflection sucks. But you all help to take away the sting! God love ya!

OK, this is my third day and so far I am still clean - my lapse put 5 pounds on and those are gone YET AGAIN - so I am back at 220... I'm thinking that for the amout of times I keep gaining and losing these same 5-8 pounds I could be well below 200 by now. SELF SABOTAGE - I am so good at it.

You guys are all so smart - some at goal or very close, some working hard everyday -- can anyone help me get over this nagging excuse I use - IF I AM NOT FAT - THEN WHO AM I? I am so serious. I have been this way for so long that just being at a 70 pound weight loss was euphoric. There was one point before I found MF I went on WW and had lost some weight - at that time I weighed 319 and stayed at 290 for awhile then found MF and was able to lose this last 70 --- one more pound and I will have lost a total of 100 pounds - what's wrong with me - I know I need to go further and it scares me --- at least I think that's what keeps pulling me back - fear of the unknown --- I was so shocked I lost the first half of my weight that losing the second half is becoming like the elephant in the living room - that I just keep avoiding.

You all fortify me - without you I would not even be on day three - at Tami's suggestion I went back and read the early days of posting - who was that strong woman? I need to reconnect with her and I know here with all of you is where I will do it - your words of kindness, strength and POWER will set me free --- I wish I had more to give to all of you right now - I don't mean to keep taking but I feel like I am. Thank you for being here.

WE WILL DO THIS TOGETHER!!!

[elle4nelly]

Dear Pam:

I am so glad to see you coming around! I am proud of that 5lbs loss. No Joke! And believe me I feel all that you have said. I too have FATTITUDES. And those Fattitudes made me sabotage myself. I have been fat for several years. FAT did become my comfort zone. My wall to fend off the rest of them. Fat insulated me from others and kept the male species away. And face it, allowed me to be that “Fat Bully” in the workplace you don’t want to mess with. And in my demented Fattitude I confused it all for power. What a dumb A... I was. It was all a front to hide my discomfort. If you’re afraid that people will ridicule you or won’t accept you for being fat then FAT becomes your cover. I felt invisible and left alone by all and I liked it. Or did I? It’s amazing how FATTITUDES distort your mind. So when I lost my first round of weight on MF I was determined. Then suddenly, I woke up and became like “The Emperor New Suit”…remember that childhood story? This wall of fat I had faded and I realized I had nothing!!! The smaller I got, the more people gravitated toward me. It was confusing because all of these people were never a part of my comfort zone. I was fat and keeping them at bay. I got scared! Then ensued the war of conflict within me. I wasn’t aware of it until I read a copy of “Fattitudes”. Then I realized I was sabotaging myself out of fears not being invisible anymore. I feel more and more naked as I lose my weight. I get double takes from fellows, Chicks want to befriend me, and strangers make small talks. This is what I was afraid of all these years. So I search within and realized that I am essentially the same but HAPPIER person and losing weight MAKES me feel good. And because I feel good, I have positive energy and thus attract people. Once I understood this, I kissed that Fattitude Goodbye! I buried the old me!! And Honey…let me tell you...that I was so cold hearted I shed no tears at my old me funeral. I said goodbye and hope to never resurrect that person. No Thanks! I have quickly overcome the fear of those I viewed as “the others” you know the ones who have lived all these years beyond my self made “FAT FORTRESS”.

There is nothing to fear anymore except Fear Itself! After all they say that F.E.A.R is “False Expectation Appearing Real. Trust me, on this one. Any fear you have about getting smaller is False Expectations appearing real to you now at 220 lbs.

Pam, I hope I helped you a little. You need to come up with a list of your fears. Only you can come up with your hidden FATTITUDES. Maybe after losing the one you loved, you’re afraid that being thin will attract someone else and you might fall in love again and deep inside view this as betrayal to you departed love one?? So part of you fight this getting smaller thing…..Search Pam….Search...unhearth all these fear and face them!! You’ll have smoother sailing after you do.
Anyway Darling…hang in there….this is a long journey but the destination is worth all the Gold in this Universe. After all…can you put a price on “Freeing your Soul “from this prison of fat? I know I can’t and won’t! [b]To me thin is Freedom![/b]
All my love Pam…

Nelly

[Carrie]

Pam,

I have 2 suggestions.

1) "I Wish I Was Thin, I Wish I Was Fat"

2) "Fattitudes"

Both have been invaluable to me with addressing my identity crisis. I, too, struggle with this issue. Fat is who I am and what I am, my protection, but also my jail cell. Beginning to free yourself of these things can be terrifying. And you have to process your fears to get past them. Both of these books will help you do that.

Try em out, they'll help

Carrie

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Pam,

THANK YOU for being here!!!! We WILL do this together!!!!

Please realize when you share your thoughts, fears, failures and successes,
you are helping all of us. You're very giving Pam. You give straight from the heart as is so well articulated in your posts.

Nelly, what an insightful and powerful post!!!

Thanks everybody for sharing,
Camille

[shineface]

Carrie, Nelly & Camille---

You guys are awesome - I can hear the minutes ticking away on day three and I am feeling more powerful because of the love and support I am getting here!

Nelly I about cried as I read your post--- Camille is so right ... very powerful and so very much how I FEEL --- as I drop the "weights" I begin to float to the surface --- attention... a lost frontier. Of course I must interject here that although I'm not quite ready ( and yes, disloyal is a good word) to get involved with someone else - I am also very aware that as attention grows it scares the hell outta me. ONE THING I KNOW TO BE TRUE is that you're "safe" from men when you're fat because I swear most men would rather go out with an axe-murderer than a woman carrying extra pounds!!!! I'm serious... and yes I am the same person inside fat or thin but I'm scared when I'm thin and more confident when carrying more weight because at least I know what to expect!!!

I love you guys - at work - more later.

WE WILL DO THIS TOGETHER!!!

[Carrie]

Pam,

I totally understand! As a matter of fact I'm right smack in the middle of that. I started dating someone about 2 weeks ago, and I am on an EXTREME roller coaster ride emotionally. I zing back and forth from being very excited about it to wanting to call him and say 'let's just be friends' just so I can chicken out and not have to deal with any of this.

I haven't 'let' myself be interested in anyone in a very long time. He makes it obvious that he thinks I'm beautiful, and yet I will stand in front of the mirror and say 'No one could want me with this body'. And ALL OF IT, ALL OF IT, is from these damn fears. Fears that are surfacing as I lose weight. I feel exposed and vulnerable. And I want to quit and go hide again. I told a friend about it and he told me I was being a 'bone-headed coward', and that made me realize that my 'safety net', my fat, my protection comes hand-in-hand with a life of self-imposed loneliness and isolation, and I deserve better.

I don't know where this is going, but now I am committed to seeing it through without giving in to my fear.

And we all deserve freedom from these fears. They're a prison and we should set ourselves free.

Carrie

[shineface]

Carrie -

Thank you for sharing this - you really do understand! You are going through what I am feeling and you have decided to bravely continue to go through the process....my inspiration.

Good, bad or indifferent I need to get my feet wet - I guess I fear rejection in a thinner body won't carry as many excuses - at least before I would know or could say it was because I was FAT --- couldn't be anything else - other than FAT, I'm just perfect ---LOL...

Thank you sweetie for sharing with me...

WE WILL DO THIS TOGETHER!!!

[hawaiiwhatnot]

There is no doubt once we reach our goals. we'll be getting unexpected attention we're not used to. It is odd. It's something we'll have to learn to deal with.

Reminds me of a girl I used to work with in downtown Honolulu who lived out in the country. It was her first job out of high school, and she wasn't used to being around all kinds of different people. She was, by the way, just a beautiful girl, but rough around the edges - didn't know she had incredible looks - what we call a tita - hadn't had any charm lessons. One day after work, a bunch of us stood waiting for our respective buses at a busy bus stop. A young serviceman there keep looking at her - obviously taken with this exotic beauty. I watched as she muttered under her breath a few times noticing his attention. She then waltzed up to him, stood on her toes, head cocked, and said right in his face, "WHAT? OWE YOU MONEY?" The poor guy didn't know what to say! He just sort of disappeared. I had to stifle myself not to laugh out loud.

She hadn't had much admirous attention having lived with family and friends all her life. Fortunately, later on she was talked into entering the Miss Hawaii pageant, and learned to deal with people with a bit more 'grace'.

We are all in for more attention than we bargained for once we reach our goals. It will be new or unfamiliar. Hopefully we can share those experiences here too and still learn from each other.

Camille

[DutchChoc]

Hi, Pam,

I apologize for last week -- I was way out of it re spending time here and reading/replying. I suppose I'm having my own tough time in some ways and maybe I kind of "holed up" when I could've/should've communicated it. Did not cheat, but was always wanting this to be over, over, over -- when, in fact, maybe it shouldn't ever be over, etc.

I know who you will be, at least I know who I will be, and that's who I always WANTED to be, my dear.... the complete article. I know there's no absolute miracle coming my way, but I remember being young and so much wanting to be the complete article, you know, to feel like I could buy what I wanted to wear -- or what looked good on people in magazines or in real life, etc, without thinking that I shouldn't buy it because I wasn't the "right size", etc, etc, etc. I spent so much time not being the right size, not feeling competitive with who I thought were the the good-looking girls, etc. Imagine seeing few -- and fewer and fewer --differences between you and the people you admire for body proportions. It's like a dream coming truer and truer. I have no idea how long it will last, for me, but it's been worth every meal I've missed and every sad moment I haven't had over what I shouldn't have eaten.

This is like our makeover -- only WE'RE doing it. We're going to get out of it what we put into it, for as long as we're willing to pay the price of turning down some/all of that "bad stuff".

Don't be fearful, if possible -- this is really good stuff and the threats are minimal. So far, it seems safe and normal and not worrisome in the least.