The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[JonnaD]

I've read many of the journals posted here and found them very encouraging. Encouragement - the lending of courage. That is what the members of this forum do, they lend their courage.

I recently celebrated my 57th birthday and at the end of May my husband and I will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary. I have two grown children (son and daughter) and two grandchildren (boy and girl.) Over the last five years I've lost my mother (May 2002), my mother-in-law (March 2003) and my father (January 2005.) After my mother passed away, I quit my job to care for my dad. He lived with us until he went into the hospice center in January 2005.

I've been obese (such an ugly word) for several years and in denial for most of that time. My weight gain began with the birth of my daughter, lost most of it, then had my son. Kept going from there.

As I read Hula Girl's journal I remembered how I felt as a child. (No, I never did the hula, I'm from Texas, remember?) I can't remember a time I ever felt pretty. My mother used to call me BB and it depended on her mood whether she meant Bridget Bardot or Big Butt. My four brothers (I had no sisters) also did their share of undermining my self esteem - you can't do that, you're a girl. Not to mention teasing me about my weight. It was only years later as I looked back at photos that I realized I hadn't been over weight at all. Is it any wonder I didn't know what normal should feel like?

I know my mother loved me and never meant to hurt my feelings, but she had problems, too. She was an alcoholic and was addicted to prescription meds. Of course, no one talked about that when I was growing up, so it came as a surprise to me. I had no idea our household wasn't like everyone else's. My dad worked long hours with lots of overtime and we didn't have a lot of time together. I don't think we ever really talked until he lived with me and my husband after Mom died.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, I belong to several writing groups. At one we have little contests and we take pictures of the winners and post them on our website. Since I do the posting, I generally "forget" to post when I've won. Unfortunately, I am also at times a presenter of awards and no matter how hard I try, I can't find a convenient place to hide when the snaps are being taken. As much as I can, I edit me out, but that doesn't always work.

Well, I'm sick of feeling ashamed (because, of course, I'm still not perfect), I'm tired of avoiding the mirrors and I'm tired of buying fat lady clothes. I asked my husband if he felt having me around for a few extra years was worth investing in - he said yes. (This is a big issue, he does NOT like spending money. He's retired and we still have our daughter and her two children living with us, so things have to be juggled.) He's still not happy with the expense, but he is trying to be supportive.

I actually heard about Medifast many years ago, when it was mostly shakes and bars. A friend of mine used it and had a successful weight loss, physically. Unfortunately she didn't have the right mental attitude. She recently confessed to me that she held on to her 'fat' clothes in case she needed them. So, duh, she did. Now she needs to lose it all over again and then some. (Same old story.)

I was slow to try MF because of some medical issues. I was born with one kidney and before I was two it required surgery to repair it. The renal artery obstructed the ureter blocking the kidney, turning it into a water balloon. Despite the doctors telling my folks I wouldn't survive puberty, I'm still here and ready to improve my health. My MF doctor is very cautions and I have to go in every week for a liver panel (which also checks the kidney) as well as going in every other week to see the nutritionist. Got my blood work back from this week and my kidney is 'stable' but I have to increase my water. I was consuming three 23.7 ounce bottles a day, now I'm going up to four.

I've lived in SE Texas all my life and love the down-home country cooking - barbeque, fried anything, potatoes and bread with butter. When I've gone on 'diets' before, my husband usually started asking for fried chicken. Well, this time around, he can cook it himself, when I am out for one of my meetings.

I have noticed the "Want lists" on other posts and I have a few of my own (not necessarily in order of importance):

1. I want to feel healthy (that's already happening)
2. I want to publish a book
3. I want my granddaughter to be baptized
4. I want my husband to feel more relaxed about our financial condition
5. I want my children to feel secure in their salvation (and start living like it)
6. I want to go back to the Bahamas a hot Bahama Mama!

I think that's enough for now.

Thanks for being here. Thanks, Nancy and Terry, for providing this forum - it's the best.

Jonna

[Karli]

Hi, Jonna ! Just today I was hoping you would start a journal, and here you are . Well, you have certainly had to deal with a lot, but you are dealing with it in a really great way ! I wish you so much success on your journey and look forward to being here with you along the way .

Cheers,
Karli

[Tawanda]

Hi Jonna, I'm glad you began a journal. I find it keeps me accountable and also gives me a place to work through some of my thoughts and feelings about where I am, what I'm doing, how things are going to be and day dreaming about goal. I hope you'll find it as helpful and fun, to journal each day, as I have.

[JonnaD]

Thanks, Karli. I look forward to skipping down that yellow brick road to slimdom along with the rest of you goal meeters.



Jonna

[JonnaD]

Thank you, Tawanda.

I plan to journal as much as possible.


Jonna

[ChynnaDoll]

Hi Jonna, so glad you started your journal...you are a good writer You've had alot to deal with, but you have persevered...so sorry about the loss of your loved ones:+( I'm happy that you made the MM choice...and you WILL eventually get what you want..you said:
"I want to go back to the Bahamas a hot Bahama Mama!"...just keep on shakin!!!!!! WATCH OUT Bahamas...she's on her way:+)))

Love,
Chynna

[JonnaD]

Thank you, Chynna.

I'm having a hard time getting all my supplements in today. Still have one to go. I think I need to start the L&G earlier, it leaves me too full to want anything else. Who'd have thought we'd be complaining about too much to eat?


Jonna

[bikipatra]

Thank you, Chynna.

I'm having a hard time getting all my supplements in today. Still have one to go. I think I need to start the L&G earlier, it leaves me too full to want anything else. Who'd have thought we'd be complaining about too much to eat?


Jonna

I have the same problem! Thanks for starting your journal and opening up about some really painful issues.

[JonnaD]

Biki, I am only following in the footsteps of those who have gone before me. Really, in my everyday life it's hard to find someone who really understands what I'm saying. My husband keeps preaching the exercise thing - I agree exercise is good but it's not a cure all. At one point I walked three miles a day three times a week. Then the arthritis in my ankle made me feel as if it was filled with sharp shards of glass. The last walk I took, I had to call him to pick me up, I couldn't make it home.

I also have degenerative disk disease in my back and it's easy to hurt. Unfortunately, I semi-regularly prove my parents were right for not naming me "Grace" by falling and injuring myself. I belonged to Curves for awhile, fell (not there), couldn't use the program for months (still paying at this time), went back, fell again, finally decided I needed to go another route and cancelled.

Sojo, I had a herniated disk in my back, too (only one, thank God). It took the doctors several months to diagnose it. The weird thing was my pain was in my upper right abdominal quadrant - which led everyone to believe it was related to my kidney. No one even suspected my back until I found a lovely surgeon who ordered an MRI. Six weeks later, after massage and heat therapy, I was pain free.

But the journey getting there was pure hell. I saw urologists, surgeons (I thought it might be another case of adhesions - scarring from previous surgeries - no), gynecologist - grasping at straws - he told me, "We get women in here like you all the time." I left his office in tears. I had a surgeon tell me I would have to live with the pain - left his office in tears, too. I had x-rays, upper GI, lower GI, colonoscopy, not to mention all the tests they did on my kidney. Finally, I saw the surgeon's boss who became my hero. He told me if he had to do exploratory surgery to find the cause of my pain, he would do it. He would not just shuttle me off as "one of those women." But first, the MRI. And, walla! I am cured.

Anyway, back to my first subject, I'm finding it easier talking to you guys and gals because you do understand and don't try to tell me how I should be feeling. You let me feel what I feel and simply encourage me.

My husband means well and is trying to support me, he just doesn't understand that our bodies work differently.

Another issue I have to deal with is aggravated by the weight, but not the real cause of it. I am really shy and lack confidence. It has many roots I think - being the only girl in a very male dominated household, spending at least part of each year in the hospital (while growing up), but I think the biggest cause is my hearing loss.

When I was a toddler and ill with the obstructed kidney, they pumped with all kinds of meds trying to kill the infection. I also had a high fever during this time. Until they actually operated on me, they really didn't know what was causing the problems. At one point they decided they'd better have me baptized because they weren't sure I would make it out of the hospital. Obviously, I survived. But the nerves in my inner ear were destroyed and it depends on who you speak to whether the fever or the meds caused it.

I only recently realized a funny thing - all during my school years I had speech therapy. I can't hear certain sounds and had to be shown how to make them. In all this time, no one suggested I be given hearing aids - I got my first aid when in my second year at college. I can only assume they were more concerned with other people understanding me than me understanding others. Or did they think I simply had a speech impediment? I never even questioned that until recently.

I now wear two hearing aids and they make a world of difference.

BTW: scales showed 238.4 this morning, but I won't update my ticker until tomorrow.

Thanks for all the courage, y'all.

[bikipatra]

You seem to have enough courage for both of us. Good luck at weigh-in tomorrow, you still have one day!

[JonnaD]

Thanks, Biki.

I should have put my beginning weight of 244, so that's an almost 6# loss. We'll definitely see what tomorrow morning brings.

Since the doc increased my water over the min 64 oz, I'm hoping it'll start dropping.


Thanks, all.


Jonna

[JonnaD]

Went to a movie this afternoon with my hubby. Learned something very important - 90+ ounces of water and a two hour movie don't mix very well. I need to contact NASA and ask them where to buy those diapers. If they're good for a drive from Houston to Florida, they should work for a movie.

Stopped to eat on the way home, at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Hubby's choice lol. I had my 1/2 L&G and watched him eat steak and potatoes and a frozen yogurt cone. Oh yeah, let's not forget his whole wheat roll and honey butter.

About the 1/2 L&G - I can't eat the whole L&G at one sitting - makes my stomach hurt and I am miserable for hours. This way I get it all in and feel much better.

I was reading a post earlier that brought up some of my own issues: will other people treat me with more respect the closer I come to goal? It's sad that our society judges people by their exterior and many times doesn't give a person the chance to prove themselves when they look different from the accepted norm. And the funny thing is, there really is no such thing as normal if we mean fitting a particular image or size. In fact societal perceptions of beauty changes over time. Look at Botticelli''s paintings or Marilyn Monroe. None of those could get through the door of a modeling agency unless she went to the plus-size folks.

I have a friend who has adrenal hyperplasia. In a nutshell that means she's missing an enzyme. As a result of her AH and possibly some medicines she was given, my friend has the skeletal structure and internal organs of a woman, but externally she looks like a man. She is a very talented and very kind person who, even though she has several college degrees, works in a low-wage position because of discrimination against her looks.

So when I get bummed about people judging me because of my weight, I think of my friend who gets threatened if she tries to make use of public facilities without another woman to vouch for her.

I hope when we've reached goal and the wonderful phenomenon of fogetting the pain of being fat, we remember enough to be kind to those who haven't made the journey to a healthier life.

Jonna

[fairladyj]

Hi, Jonna

Don't post a lot, but I do try to check in on the boards every day. We are in the same life stage (exept no grandbabies yet for me), and similar family dynamics in our growing years.

My doctor was hesitant at first for me to try MF, since, while I still have both kidneys, one doesn't work great due to the fact that I had some sort of illness when I was 2, where I apparently ran such a high fever they packed me in ice - and I developed an allergy to penicillin, which was the only widely-available antibiotic at the time (anyone who doesn't believe modern medicine is a miracle isn't paying attention!). She thought there was too much protein in MF for my kidneys to handle

Anyway, I was at the point where my cholesterol was extremely high (297), I was navigating like an old lady due to stiffness, and just didn't want to feel old any more. So I went on MF anyway - without telling my doc. After 2 months, I am down 24 lbs, and feel so much better. My last blood levels were all within normal limits, and my doc was impressed at my (at that time) 10 lb loss. I told her about MF - she still isn't really happy with me, but you can't argue with results!!

Glad to have your company on the road!

[JonnaD]

Yeah, I had the "allergy" to pennicillin, too. Actually they simply over loaded my system with the "if a little is good a lot must be better" syndrome. I still have scars on my ankles and temples from the iv's they used. They must have done something right, wer're still here.

Hope it goes smoothly for you.


Take care,


Jonna

[JonnaD]

I'm up really early for me. My DH drives a school bus to supplement his pension (that makes him sound sooo old ) and he gets up at 4. Normally, I sleep right through him doing his stuff and wake up three hours or so later. This morning I was awake before him - bummer. Hopefully, after I have a little water I'll be able to drift back to dreamland.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about why we don't always meet our goals (I'm not just talking about weight here.) What (or who) is it in our lives that sabotages our attempts to succeed? It's important to recognize those speedbumps and learn how to handle them. If it's a person, how do you lovingly tell them to get with the program or butt out? If it's a situation, how do we put it into proper perspective so that it no longer trips us up?

The worst scenario, what if it's myself? How do I change the way I look at myself to turn me into a winner, or a winning loser? So many of us have self image issues dating from waaaay back. How do we jump start past the Past and go on with a better attitude?

The first thing we need to do is stop judging ourselves by what we see in the mirror and look to what is in our hearts. Accept our talents and our faults. Learn to smile at ourselves. Smiles are great and they're contagious. Share a few today.

I see a lot of beautiful people here.

I'm going to try and get a little more sleep.

Back later.