The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[TamiL]

Hello all
I am here to confess, vent and just type my heart out..so bear with me. I have been off and on medifast now for months...I start..do great for a few weeks..then loose it..I get to day 3..then day 7...day 10...and I pick and nibble at things not on my "allowed" list...that sets me off to a binge..which I do for days...then I go back to my usual of being good for a while...well do you want to know where this has gotten me? cheated...my scale read 155 for so long...wasnt gaining any weight back...but boy oh boy...my body got sick of that routine..the off and on again..in ketosis out of ketosis..and it decided "Ill show her...she wants to see how much she can keep getting away with..." well I weighed in today..and to my surprise..the weight has caught up with me...I can see it..feel it and its really hitting home this time around...its only a few pounds..but still...I swear I am getting flabbier and fatter the more I go off and on!! I know I need my body to stay in Ketosis...I pray for the motivation and will power I had in the begining..I should have been at my goal so long ago..but Ive been cheating myself..no one else. I may not make my new years eve goal..but Ill be darned if Im going to give up...any pounds lost..weather its 2 or 20 is better than gaining...and feeling like such a failure..once again.
I need a swift kick in the butt from Guido...sure wish I could make that trip and get the slap I need to snap out of this off and on again routine!!
My body has given me a good reality check...I cant keep fooling it..or trying to see how much I can get away with...cuz its almost as if I woke up and overnight...my clothes fit tigher...and Im seeing a bigger reflection in the mirror!! When I feel out of control with Food..It affects every aspect of my life..my job as well. I need strength to be a fire fighter/EMT..I need physically to be able to hop off and on the back of the engines/ambulances and not be winded and tired....when I am off this program and eating junk and feeling lousy...I am sluggish and tired alot of the time....SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT???? why do I keep cheating myself? I really need to get a grip!! GUIDO COME SLAP ME!!
....its day "2" for me...clean day so far..its late, just got back from a run and I never go to this web site from work...but Im desperate...I dont want to eat something bad...and needed to tell you all...newbies and old timers like myself...DONT CHEAT YOURSELF...wake up in the morning feeling guilt free and clean...if you havent seen what you can get away with yet..by eating stuff you shouldnt..DONT DO IT..cuz once you do..its so hard to get back in that mind set and stay completley faithful to the program!! If I cave right now..and eat some junk...tommorrow will be day 1 all over again...and I cant keep doing that....so here I am again...starting over cuz I wont give up on this....
its day "2"...tommorrow day "3" and hopefully the last time I will start over....Im not fooling the scale anymore..nor my fat cells!!
thanks for listening/reading!!

Tami

[mombarnes]

That is, he doesn't have to kick you in the butt because you are kicking yourself enough for everyone. Please don't beat yourself up! Beyond just "listening" to your post, I hesitate to give advice, but as a "mom type", I'd just recommend that you think about how much & what type of behaviors you need to make you feel in control & back on track. I'm so happy that this is a safe place for you to confess & vent ... we all need that!

I'm really struck by something else I noticed in your post ... you are obviously a very caring & giving person, because in the midst of your anguish, you take the time & care enough to give helpful advice to others (about cheating). What a special person you are!!! It just shines through.

I am new here on this Forum, but not new to the behaviors you describe. I'd be willing to bet a whole box of MF Pudding that there is not one single person on this Forum who hasn't done what you describe in your post. It really touched my heart to read your struggles.

I'm sure you'll get lots of responses of encouragement & help. That's what this fellowship here is all about.

I was particularly struck with your mention of prayer. I don't know if you meant that literally. I am a big believer in the power of prayer & would like to offer one thing that I find useful. Everyone has their own way of talking & listening to God; whatever way you pray, might I suggest that you add a dimension of contemplation? I think others on the Forum have spoken of the power of just sitting quietly & reflectively, opening yourself up to listening to God. This aspect of my prayer life (listening instead of just talking) has helped me in my relationship with God. Just about all religions have traditions of contemplative prayer & there are a lot of good books out there now on the subject if you are interested.

Anyhow - please continue venting & writing. I'll be looking for posts from you, especially, now that I "know you better."

[Carrie]

Hey Tami Girl,

I had wondered where you were. You just have to keep trying. The alternative, giving up, is not an option.

Try getting mad about it. I know that's what motivated me to get back on. I finally just got downright mad about my self-defeating behavior and decided I deserved better.

I'm here for you.

Carrie

[TamiL]

Thanks Mombarnes and Carrie for your encouragement....well now on a clean Day 4...things are looking up...I know I have said this a thousand times..but its just amazing to me how different my "outlook" is on everything when I have a clean head...when the guilt of eating junk food or something I should not have eaten is weighing heavily in the back of my mind....Its amazing how in just 4 days time...my appetite is diminished a bit..and the shakes amazingly taste just as wonderful as they did the first day!!
with all the christmas parties coming up....with all the food that will be in front of all of us...the ONE THING we need to keep in mind is IS THAT FOOD NOW WORTH WHAT WE WILL FEEL LIKE AFTER EATING IT? no...for me...NO WAY...I like this clean, no guilt feeling...it makes me whole outlook on things different...as if I can do anything!!
and of course...having my forum friends who understand...and accept me here no matter how many times Ive fallen off the Train.....
WE WONT GIVE UP!!
Thanks guys for the lift!!
HUGS
Tam

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Tami,

To err is human, to forgive is divine. You're such a strong woman! You ask "How many starts do I have left in me?" As many as it takes, I say.

Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always. Dan Zandra

Mercy has many arms. Roethke (I love this quote)

Your spirit is admirable Tami. You're honest and open. You CAN and will do this. There is no criticism in starting again but there is in quitting. You never quit. You're not a quitter. Keep forgiving yourself and restarting. When tempted to cheat, remember Einstein's words, "Will this bring me closer or farther away from my goal?"

We're behind you all the way,
Camille

[Simmshe]

Nice quotes, Camille (I'm a quotaholic, so I LOVE coming across great quotes)--thanks for sharing them .

Tami,

I have read so many of your posts (going way back to when you first began--I spent countles hours on this board reading back posts when I first joined!), but I haven't had time to respond (c-r-a-z-y life), although I relate to much of what you say.

Congrats on your re-start! (I'm finishing day 6 of my second re-start--okay, it's really more like my 15th re-start because you know that you try to get back on plan everyday after you fall off, only to see yourself give in by nightfall of the first, second, or third day... .) It can feel absolutely deflating when we slip and have to muster up the strength and discipline to begin once again. Everyone's right, there's no limit to how many times we can go at this until we see it through to fruition, but we have to come back to the table with a new plan, a new or amended set of tools. We all know the definition of insanity ... doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. And let me tell ya, I don't think I have it in me to re-start again--it's too darn hard! My question for you is (rhetorical) do you understand why you keep sabotaging yourself? You asked:

SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING IT???? why do I keep cheating myself?

I'm sure you know that when you figure this, often complex reasoning, out, you'll make so much headway. If we don't learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them.

I'm wishing you the best, Tami. We can do this--let's make this our LAST re-start, eh--(and everyone reading who may be trying to get started after a lapse) ? Figure out what's standing in the way of you accomplishing your goal--and kill it ! I've had to, and am still in the process of shooting to kill: old patterns of self-neglect (not getting enough rest, etc.); thinking of excess food as a joy and friend--using it to fill voids and to avoid my feelings; talking negatively to myself; and attaching too much importance to outcomes (that I have no control over). This is harder to do than losing weight, but I'm committed to it. Do what it takes, Tami--commit to yourself. You are tenacious, and tenacious people always get what they want (eventually )! I'm rooting for you .

Sheryl

[Mrsshrinkinglady]

Tami,
Like everyone else has said, you have done an admirable job of losing weight, and you know in your heart how much better you feel when you stay on plan.
We as a group have definite problems with harpooning our progress
sometimes, but we are able to recognize what we are doing while in the midst
of the mania that overtakes us.
Maybe it is time to really look at why you do this to yourself? I have done that and have come to some amazing conclusions, as to why I have treated myself so poorly, while being a caretaker and wanting the best for everyone else.
We all have demons to slay when it comes to food and you are showing your true spirit by still fighting to lose and stay healthy.
Hang in there Tami and when that urge comes along to cheat try to figure out why and then think about how you feel after you do eat something not healthy.
You have all our support and caring!
YOU CAN DO IT!!
Shrink aka Mary

[susan]

Tamil,
we can work on this together .I know how hard it is and like you I didn;t know if I had another start in me or not but here goes day 1 is gone and day 2 comming up I haft to make it this time the dissapointment is to hard not to make it.
susan

[TamiL]

Thanks Sheryl, Camille, Mary and Susan...
your all so great!! its day 6 for me....so far so good!! Im hooked on making my choc. shakes like pudding....they are so satisfying..and I dont get freezing cold drinking them!! I found a new favorite:
I add only a bit of water to the shake
mix it up in a bowl so its thick consistency
add a package of splenda
add a splash of ORANGE or ALMOND extract
put in fridge for an hour
and its a Pudding...frosting consistancy...its sooooo goood!! great just before PMS too!!
So much of what all you guys said in your posts really hit home...figuring out WHY we sabotage ourselves is the key to stopping the pattern....I really am going to be AWARE of my feelings/actions this time..and keep close eye on what really triggers me to eat....
Its funny cuz I did a little christmas shopping...and amoungst the gifts I got...was some candy...( I like to make baskets for people) for gifts of all the things they enjoy..fill them with Gift certificates, favorite foods and little odd and end things...
well last night..Im staring at this basket full of goodies...and I had no desire to eat it!! it was truly a miracle....I thanked GOD for letting me have that basket in my apartment...and me not breaking into it!! most of all for taking the desire away to eat it!! its amazing that on day 6..I feel so much better...although this is like a countless restart for me...I have high hopes...that this is it....on my way to a thinner me..once and for all...despite the holidays here!!
we can all get thru this...its also a question of how bad we want it....versus how bad we want that food that we know will make us feel like crap the next day....keeping my sights on what I want in the future rather than whats in front of me at times!!
YOU GUYS ROCK!!
Tami

[susan]

hooray for you Tamil,
we can make it this time .hang in there
susan

[BerkshireGrl]

Tami,

I'm sorry to get into this late, but I wanted to add my voice to the encouragement you are getting.

When you are tempted to "snack", do WHATEVER you need to do to stop, even if you have fallen into mid-snack.

If you can, do not get yourself near the bad stuff in the first place. After Thanksgiving, I was given guacamole, a giant bag of chips, clam dip, and a huge bag of roasted cashews. God I was really tempted to eat them! And hey, I just had eaten a pretty normal load of Thanksgiving food, so why not continue the trend? What really got me was the nuts. I looked them over, and thought, well, I can bring them into work Monday for my coworkers. After all, they are so expensive! What a waste to throw them away!

But then, I realized, will they really stay in their bag all weekend long? If I had to stare at them for 3 days? HECK NO. I put ALL of that great food into the kitchen garbage, then I immediately emptied it and took it out to the garage trash can. And it stayed out there until trash pick-up on Saturday.

If you buy those foods that tempt you, return them to the store, or toss them. Heck, I've even SPRAYED WINDEX on foods in the trash so I would not dig them out later. (Yes, I have had some rough nights in the past!)

Once you start overeating, then it is so, so easy to keep on with the poisonous justifying. Pull yourself out of it ASAP when you get into it. If you crack on a holiday or a "special occasion", ok, that was ONE DAY. Not a couple days. Not a week. Close it off and get back on Medifast.

We all are capable of screwing up. But we all can also choose to pull out of that downward spiral. Your airplane tail is not shot off, the wings are still there, you are still in the cockpit.

This is war, and you got it in you, especially as a firefighter and EMT, to break this problem. You are a tough chick and you can show this binge who is boss.

Kick its butt, Tami!

[LongWay2go]

Tami, you, me, Sarah, we're all living right her within an hour of one another. Stop and think. I know you can call or email me. I'm sure Sarah feels the same. You don't need a Guido swift kick, what you need is some self-examination and support. You didn't gain the weight you gained by having good eating habits and those urges will never go away. What you need to do is learn to deal with them logically and in a way that defeats them. Whether that is self-awareness or education, you need to be the one who does that. Convince yourself that instead of a Cheetos, you'll feel just as good about eating a celery stick. Instead of pizza, some MF chili over salad will do. It's all about choices and give and take. You'll actually feel better about yourself if you make good choices and get the added benefit of NOT putting on weight! We're here for you kiddo, but you have to take the first step!

~Spidey

[TamiL]

Gerald
thanks for your post..I just actually read that one today!! after reading your post about starting/stopping....just some more fuel for me to stay revved up thank you!!

You know what I think would be really neat? if you, me and Sarah meet up someday...halfway someplace to the berkshires...Im only in Framingham...not far from you at all!! when we reach our goal weights..or maybe even before!! sort of as a CELEBRATION that we are there!! we can help each other through maintenence as well!! its great to have support....every little bit helps!!

how about them Pats huh guys? are we awesome or what!! heres to another superbowl!!
Tami

[LongWay2go]

Go Pats! You're in Framingham? Why, I could throw a stone that far! And Sarah's just a bit over an hour away. No reason we couldn't all meet. And whos'it, Pam, just over the border in CT? Yikes! We could have a great get-together! Don't we have someone here in southern Vermont too?

~Spidey

[Guest]

YUP...just a stone throw away!! lol!! as a matter of fact..I was in your town last night..at Victory Lane..a place I hardly go to..but there was a special occasion party there last night for a friend!! not a bad place!!
and not too long ago..I was there with my department ..helping look for a lost boy....who was found!!

That sounds GREAT ...a little medifast party for all of us here on the Mass/Conn. border!! after the craziness of the holidays..we should try and throw something together...and see how many of us we can get to gather up and DO SOME SHAKIN!!!


Tami