The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[LeeannNH]

hi everyone

i havent been on the board in a while, due to a crazy work schedule. i have been program compliant and have lost 68lbs! i cannot believe it!

now for the bad news. i have had 2 major gall bladder attacks in the past 2 weeks. i have never had this kind of pain before and boy does it suck, i guess its common with women and with obesity and drastic weight loss and heredity. my surgeon was impressed by my success with mf and told me that it hadnt caused the reaction, it just is what happens unfortunately, especially since my parents had them and the fact that i was 100lbs over weight. so i have to have t taken out next week.

anyway, so i have this problem, always have, that when i lose weight, i feel like i am going to die or disappear. i know its weird. i also have a very hard time when people compliment me on my looks. i have been getting alot of accolades from people that havent seen me in a while and i am terrified. with my death fear lining up with the gallstones and the noticeable weight loss i am a real mess. i have eaten off plan for 3 days now. not too crazy but not good either. i am scared of this i am scared of losing the weight, i am scared of gaining it back, i am just at a place of extreme fear. of course i cant talk to anyone about this, everyone thinks i am hunky-dory in this new body, but the insecurities are still there. its almost like my mind has not caught up with my body yet. i still see me 68lbs ago. i know my old clothes dont fit but that doesnt seem to matter or register. im sorry for ranting, its just i dont know how to move on and get this last 32lbs off. i also know i do not want to gain it back. but i guess i know what is expected when i am fat, i know what that is. i dont know what it means to be "thin" i dont know how to live that way. i feel really alone and really stupid. i know i should be celebrating but i really want to run and hide

has anyone else had this experience? help!

take care everyone and thanks for letting me get this off my chest
leeann

[Michelle1210]

Yes LeeAnn,
I can so relate, just recently I lost around 15 lbs and someone from work just said "are you loosing weight it shows", well from then on i gained my weight back and i dont know why? however i'am seeking counsling. Is that a possiblitie? I know for years I hid in my fat, at first because my husband was jealous if other men paid attention , so as I gaioned weight the less the attention the more secure my husband the more miserable I'am.....go figure But i'am ready to do this for me. So in answear to your question, Yes I feel that way too, I'am hoping others who have gone thru this will answear for i too need closure on why I dont think I deserve to feel good, look, good Its not my fault its not like I led anybody on, dressed in appropiate, I was just being me, but the me in me wants out of my fat. So together we can find out why we do these things to ourselves. ~Michelle

[Jan]

Whoa LeeAnn,
I know there are some very good books available about weight loss and change dealing with the emotional issues. Weight loss or gain is a change and for some can be very scary. Even though we really are the same person -- people now see us differently. Sometimes it takes us a while to catch up. I have also heard theories that we shield ourselves from others with our weight. Nancy most likely knows more about this.

As for now before you work thru all the emotions -- take a deep breath and try to relax. You have done the very best thing for yourself parting with the pounds. Your surgery and recovery will be much easier. Soon it will all over and you will be back on the road to slimdom. You are just encountering a little bump in the road.
Take care
jan

[mama2benandrachel]

Hi Leann,

I know EXACTLY what you are going through! I have been there my whole life! I have never been afraid of dying or disappearing, but the attention people paid me when I've been thin (for me the lowest I've been is around 160) really makes me feel angry, confused, and uncomfortable!!!! The reason I felt this way is because I would lie to myself that I am the same person fat or skinny. But that really isn't true! We wear more form fitting clothes when we are thin, we don't hide under loose fitting clothes like when we are fat. I know that I pay a lot more attention to my outward appearance, my hair, makeup, manicure, etc... when I am thin. I have not been under 200 lbs. since I was 27. That was 18 years ago. I was a lot more insecure when I was 27. Plus I think by the time you hit 40, you don't care as much about what people think or say, or you have different reasoning. I am doing this because I know that the closer I get to the BIG 5-0 and the BIGGER 6-0 that is where the health problems that happen in my family typically occur, e.g., diabetes, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, arteriosclerosis(spell?) cancer, etc... AND I have an son who will be 11 in December, who is special needs (autistic), and a daughter who just turned 4, not to mention a much older husband than I who is not in good health, SOooo, Leann and everyone, I am doing this for me and my family! So that I can be healthy!!!! So that I can live to see my children grow up, and my grandchildren!

[LeeannNH]

you guys are so right

its like people see us differently, its like im still the same on the inside and feel noticed and you know how people dont really look you in the eye when you are big, its like now people acknowledge my existence. like i go to restaurants and people hold the door, and they dont stare at what i order. i bought my first pair of size 10 jeans and that was way weird. my husband went with me and i was like "these have to be sized large". he married me large so that has never been an issue with us, but i do want to be more healthy for us, we dont have children and i want to be around for a long time to have a full life with him. he is truly an angel.

then when people tell me "wow you look great" its like why dont they say "wow you look like crap" or "your know leeann you are getting really fat"

i KNOW i shield myself with my weight. i am terrified that my fat flowy clothes dont fit. who would have ever thought id feel that way! i feel ungrateful...

i dont know why i am so upset but its comforting to know that i am not alone. i love this forum.

you guys rock and im sorry that you all have these same feelings. i hope that we all are able to accept ourselves, i cannot wait to feel a sense of peace with this, i know that if i stick to this i will, especially with great pals like you guys

leeann

[mytime]

Leeann - WOW thank you for the post. I am sooo right there with you. Perhaps you are having some unconscious reaction to the surgery ? Like maybe this has triggered your fear of disappearing or you feel punished for losing the wt some how even though you have been told the wt loss and surgery are unrelated ? I totally get the anger part. How many times have we heard you should really get the wt off you have such a beautiful face ?

I too believed that everyone treated me the same. My wt was no big deal - Ah, WRONG. To some degree I am enjoying the attention but I work with alot of men and now it is so weird it is like they suddenly see me as a girl. The door stuff, offering to carry things for me. STRANGE. And I keep going to put on my new pants and thinking these are way too small = they will never fit - and they are loose ! Today I did something really weird- I have been blonde for years. I went and had my haircutt and made it dark brown. It is soo weird to look in the mirror. My husband loves it. And even that is weird b.c I am like ah I thought you were cool with me being bigger that a barn. Now he is so attentive. I like it but it makes me laugh too. Tonight I told him he has to love me more b.c there is less of me to love. I guess the veil of my own denial is being lifted. Wt to the world is huge.

I would encourage you to journal about why you wanted to lose the wt in the first place. Refocus and take one meal at a time. Adjusting to the wt loss will happen. The reality is that the core of who we are is not changing - yes we have to develop new coping skills and this is different. But our wt does not equal our physical existance nor is wt our strength. This comes from our core, our heart. You are not disappearing you are getting stronger and true strength has nothing to do with size.Take care of yourself, take one meal at a time. Mytime

[LeeannNH]

hi mytime

thank you for this amazing response. i guess i thought i was alone in this and it turns out we are all in the same situation in a sense. im ctually going to review my journal from the beginning of this journey. see where i was then, see what my expectations were.

i think i had this thought that being smaller would make everything perfect in a way. i know that is unrealistic but if i am honest with myself that is what i have to face.

i feel like we are in a secret club, especially with what you said about your husband and your co-workers treating you like a "girl" i TOTALLY know what you are talking about. i would never say anything out loud but reading that you have had that experience makes me chuckle a bit too. some men are so funny (no offense to the mf men--i love you guys!)

anyway, thanks again for sharing on this. you made me smile

talk soon
leeann

[mama2benandrachel]

Hi Leeann!

You've got your eye on the prize! The "prize" is health and longevity! The bonus is being thin! Learning to live with it is something we ALL need to learn how to do! I'm waiting for Nancy's take on all of this.

You are so close! Keep up the FANTABULOUS work!!!!!!!!!!

[LuzInIt]

Last night I pigged out. I couldn't stop eating "crap". Didn't like any of it; didn't want to do it, but I did. Since I am off all my diabetic drugs, thanks to Medifast, my sugar went through the roof. I was trying to figure out why I did this after a successful 100 pound loss and having just signing on as a Health Advisor myself last week. I woke up feeling fat, unhappy, dry mouth from sugar, my skin broke out a bit. Whoa! I was able to get right back on program this morning and so thankful for that. But as I was thinking through my behavior and looking for the cause, I landed on that fact that I don't know my body anymore. Nancy took my picture and put it in the Forum (with my permission, of course), but I told her I was dissatisfied with my look more now than when I weighed 340. What! Am I nuts? I've begun to buy more form-fitting clothes, encouraged greatly by my husband and girls, and reaping compliments from everyone, but I do miss my fat clothes. The first time I got pregnant, I swore I would never leave maternity clothes behind, and thanks to gaining 50-75 pounds per pregnancy and losing none of it, I pretty much never did. Elastic-banded pants & big floaty tops have always suited me. I know I look terrible in that stuff and I need to learn a new way, but geez - who am I? And that's the truth of it - we're the same person we were prior to weight loss - but living a different reality because our package has changed so dramatically - it is going to take some getting use to. Of course, along with the weight loss, my wholesale business is changing drastically due to digital taking over the photographic world, I am starting a new business with TSFL, I've volunteered for two new time-consuming ventures that carry a lot of responsibility (got to do something with all this new-found energy), my daughter is getting married earning me a mother-in-law hat for the first time in my life. So many changes! It is exciting, scary, overwhelming at times, fun.... I am experiencing so many changes in life right now, I think last night was an attempt to go back to what I knew for so long. But I don't want to be there anymore, and the old noggin is screwed back on tight again and facing in the right direction. It just amazes me how many times this Forum comes to my rescue. When I logged on this morning, I was thinking "wouldn't it be great if there was a nugget of wisdom here this morning to help me get my thinking straight" - and the first post that popped up was you, Leeann. Dealing with the same stuff. Thanks for your honesty and for coming here to share. I might not have, but honesty begats honesty begats honesty - and we all have accepted this Forum and each other as a place of accountability. I am so grateful!

[Nancy]

Leeann ~

First let me say, Darlin’, darlin’ ~ get back on the program: today! No more dilly-dallies. Three days is three days too many to mess around. You’ve made excellent progress, you are 2/3 of the way to Thinsville but the train hasn’t pulled into the station yet. Taking detours costs time and fuel – you’ll arrive late and pooped out if you get detoured and if you get derailed, it can take MAJOR intervention to get it back on the track!

Your description of how you feel is not uncommon. I experienced anger during my weight loss program and still have anger at times…people treat fat people differently than they treat slender people. I almost said “normal-sized” people but you know what, two out of three people are overweight; one out of three are obese so the term, ‘normal’ may not be the right term here.

Although more people are over-weight than are at their optimal weight, people make disparaging remarks about people’s weight to height ratio. Our country is obsessed with appearance. We have a distorted idea of what is attractive and what is considered to be healthy. Many of the posts in the MakeMeThinner Forum include comments from people who desire to e a particular size. We put value on being a size 12, it seems ‘better’ in some of our minds to BE a size 8 than a size 10; or to BE a size 14 than a size 16. We are easily hung-up about equating our value as a person to our dress size, our pants inseam length or our bra size. Oh, don’t get me started on chest measurements…am I more valuable as a person because I wear a C cup than a person who has a no cup? Absolutely not! That’s absurd! And so is our focus on the scale – it cannot tell us how worthy or unworthy we are; it cannot know if we have been program-compliant or not. We are uniquely created and hand-fashioned. There is no other Leeann in the whole wide world. You are highly-esteemed and loved by your family, your husband, your friends and your special Medibuddies and Medibuddiettes right here.

We understand where you are coming from and where you are headed and this is a new experience for us all. Each day I learn more about what it means to be a healthy person – mind, body and soul.

It ain’t easy being fat, it ain’t easy getting thinner and it ain’t easy staying that way – it takes work. Little by little, one shake and one day at a time, we get there. We are involved in Home Improvement and we are the home!

We live in a fat-prejudiced society. I hate to use the word ‘fat’ – I prefer to say fluffy, or chubby, or flabby, or puffy, or cushy or…etc. But fat is the word that best described me. My BMI was 43. I was fat. I hate that word but it’s the truth, I was very fat. I don’t think that I had purposely chosen to BE fat but I had certainly done all the things that contributed to my fatness. I over-ate and under-exercised and I did it nearly every day of my adult life. The accumulation of over-eating of calorie dense foods and expending minimal activity and calories piled it on and I was morbidly obese.

For some sick-o reason, I over-ate to protect myself from attention and anger/sadness about being raped and who-knows-what-else I over-ate. It really doesn’t mater why I did it; I just did. And now I don’t. All my over-eating ever accomplished was to compound my sadness, anger, mess up my health and gave me negative attention.

I got the stares when I ordered at a fast-food restaurant and asked for extra mayo on my burger. I got the stares when I walked down the hallway at the college or especially when I tried to sit in a college chair with the desk attached – people looked to see if I would fit and if the desk came off when I stood up….

Once I began to wear tighter-fitting clothes, it seemed as if the droolers came out of the woodwork. “Well, HEL-lo, Nancy! My you LOOK nice today!” What was THAT all about? I didn’t get it for the longest time. I couldn’t figure out why allof a sudden I became human in the eyes of others who had treated me as a non-human, People held the door, helped me haul books or AV equipment to my classroom, spoke to me, etc. and just a few months before, I was a non-person.

Often people are truly happy for our weight loss and they want to reinforce our behaviors so they tell us we look good. Because we do.

There are times NO ONE tells us we look good – and we DO look good. They are jealous and small-minded. Or they are self-centered or they just don’t care.

There are times no one knows that we ever looked differently than the way we do right now. They say we look good, they treat us kindly and things are groovy. Most people I meet now have no idea that was ever overweight. They see me as I am today. They of nothing of the agony, the anger, the physical or the emotional pain of my previous days. They see me as I am today and today, I am the result of all my yesterdays. The painful/angry/skanky days helped me to become the happy/gladsome person I am today. I am thankful that I am here. I am doing my best to stay here. My life is not perfect but I am happy and becoming whole. I feel like I am walking around brand new.

To that end, I pray that all of you will experience it, too. All of our problems do not go away as the pounds melt away. We do not get calls to be on the next season of American Idol or to have our picture on the cover of Glamor or Cosmopolitan magazine. Dang!

There are times people pay a lot of attention to us, they oogle us and since this is a new experience, we don’t know how to act. We laugh a little it too loud, we sashay a bit more frequently down the office corridor, etc. This is all new!

I got very angry that my co-workers treated me differently. I was the same excellent worker I had always been.

I took me a very long time to understand that I was walking around brand new. I still cannot believe that I am smaller, that I really lost it and I am fearful of waking up flabby again. I was very afraid of re-graining my weight. I did transition and I do maintenance the same way I did weight loss: I diligently follow my plan. I often read my lists of the advantages of being thick and the advantages of being thin. I practice positive affirmations.

This is a process, a journey that takes us to incredible places! It does not happen overnight that our brain gets caught up with our waistline.

You are doing a great job, Leeann but the job’s not done. Get all the way into the station – reach your goal destination, THEN we begin to transition – you are not ready yet for maintenance so get back on the weight loss phase of the program, make a list of several positive affirmations and say hem multiple times per day – out loud – so your ear hears and your brain remembers.

You are a delightful, caring, efficient and effective woman. You look wonderful, you feel good and others are noticing. When a person compliments you, look ‘em in the eye and say, “Thank you very much.” Do not dismiss the compliment. Do not cancel their compliment by saying, “yes, but I’m not finished yet.” Accept it as it was given and meant to be. You ARE thinner. You ARE getting healthier. You DO look good. You looked good before, too.

I understand the thing that is going on inside your head…just because someone tells us we look good today; it does not mean that we look cruddy three months ago. Our grooming habits may be hyped up a bit more now than they were but we are still the same person. Life is different as a thinner person. Just like it takes a while to break in a new pair of shoes, it takes a while to get broken into being a thinner person and feeling comfortable. It will happen but it takes time, it takes effort to change our thinking about ourselves, too – one day at a time. Positive self-thoughts and positive self-talk helps. Soak it in!

Re: gall bladder. I’ve written about it before in several areas – use the search clicky for more info. The characteristics of classic gall bladder attack candidates: fat, female & forty or fiftyish…Many times after a significant weight loss and particularly with a low fat meal plan, sludge can build up in the gall bladder from inactivity. People who have been on the Atkins Plan and porked out and then go to a low fat/ lean meal plan can have sludge build-up. That’s why it is vital that a person transition properly and not go fro the Complete Meal Replacement Program to a greasy burger joint and have french fries & onion rings, pizza or prime rib and a baked potato w/butter n’ sour cream or eat at a Mexican fiesta – it overloads the gall bladder and that little organ revolts! NOT fun. Had mine out and am glad I did – it was a piece of cake (except for the anesthesia…the hallway was a vomitorium on my ride from the recovery room to my car…). Just a few Band-Aids on my belly and a bouquet of flowers and I went to the mall on the third day. I took two weeks off work but really only needed a few days to recover.

This is a new thing for all of us. We are changing and it is good! Give yourself time to catch up mentally and emotionally with what is happening to you. You are a cool lady and we are proud of YOU.

LuzInIt ~

Glad ya got your hiney movin' in the right direction or I'd have to whoop ya!

P.S. Folks, I am moving this weekend...sorry I have been a little scarce here. Our office is a shambles, the house is a disaster, I don't know where I want to put things and Terry, Unca, Paul (Jan's Quiet hubby), and Steve (Bonnie's adorable man) are hurking hunks and great guys - they are hauling all my crap-o-lah here and there at the snap of the Leopard Woman's slender fingers...BTW, Jan's recovering from surgery and she is offering her encouragement and great ideas to me and dear Bonnie is packing, loading and driving for us. The girls are drooling over the closet in Leopard Woman's lair...it is HUGE, Folks! And I intend to put a few thinny things in there - because I can!

Leeann and Linda and others...enjoy the thinnin' process. It is not easy but if you look for it, there are happy little things along the way. Rejoice in your accomplishments! Love your bodies! It is hard to just 'get over it' but try to not look backward so much. Revel in today, this moment and realize that you are becoming healthier, you are de-flabbing and you are delightful! Carpe diem!
kisskiss

[Lady Bug]

Nancy! Nancy!! Nancy!!!! Awesome post. That post is the reason, When Nancy talks, we listen. Thank you!!!!

,
Evie

[LuzInIt]

Can you believe Nancy took time to write that wonderful "book" up there to encourage us - in the midst of her move ! You are one AWESOME LADY. And since I have had face time with her recently, I want to tell you all - she is gorgeous. When we were speaking, I could not take my eyes off her face (which is saying something 'cause the lady was wearing black leather pants, a jean jacket with lots of bling bling, and an eye-popping green shirt with little strings down the arms where a sleeve would normally be - Wow, she has set the bar high for this conservative-dressing old girl - I want some bling bling too!) She has brilliant blue eyes and a beautiful wide smile! And Terry is just so friendly, kind & handsome (he too claims a pair of pretty baby blues that arrest your attention). We don't get to know him here on the Forum, but what a neat guy! What an honor to meet this fantastic couple - I'm glad they've become part of my life.

[LeeannNH]

nancy

thank you for such encouragement! wow! i have tears in my eyes. i have been back on track and im back on the road to "recovery". i have to admit that it has not been easy getting back into the groove, but i am doing it one mf meal at a time. im not having bars this week as i think i should stay away until i feel stronger. i only gained 5 pounds, which is a miracle in itself. it does suck but its what it is. i hope people who are experiencing tough times, and wanting to eat read your post. its a powerful statement of hope. i also hope people learn from my major slip. i do have a long way to go. 32 pounds until i am at goal. and i will not stop until i get there. i will not let myself be unhealthy again!

luzinit---i hear ya on the food "hangover" its pretty amazing what we were able to tolerate in our bodies before mf. i know that i put my body through the ringer all of those years. i had a hard time these past couple of days, my body is totally reacting is a crazy way to all of the junk i ate.
you are totally an inspiration with all of your weight loss! hang in there girl, you are awesome. we can do this!!!

thanks again guys-----im gonna do everything in MY POWER to make my goal

leeann

[Jan]

Hmmm,
The leopardy ones closet -- It is a whole big big room. We could almost have a sleepover in it. Don't worry my clothes loving friend will soon have it full of neat things. Just gives her room to expand her fabulous collection. I think Terry has his eye on a small part of it toooo!!
I don't think even Nancy could outgrow that magnificent closet. It's great!!
jan

[LAwoman]

that I needed to read these very words tonight???

I'm coming back to MF tomorrow morning ride ALL THE WAY into the train station.

Leeann, you spoke to so much of what I've just put myself through. I lost 67 lbs. between March 1 and July 7 of this year. Then I decided that even though I still had another 42 lbs. to go I would take a break while on vacation and return to MF when I got back. But I kept putting it off and putting it off all summer, telling myself that I was working on maintaining and losing through diet and exercise (which as you can see didn't quite work out that way.) Then school started, and I restarted in Sept and I restarted in Oct. AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know why MF seemed relatively "easy" for me the first time around. I loved the way I felt most days I was on it, the energy, the clear mind, my healthy body...

And I don't know why it's been sooooooooo hard for me to get back on the MF train and ride it into the station.

I've returned to many bad habits, especially the one where I'm going to start on Monday so I might as well pig out the rest of this week, only to find myself a few pounds heavier on the Monday scale and then discouraged from even trying.

Sometimes I want to scream knowing that if I'd stayed compliant these last few months like I did the first few months, I'd be at or very close to goal. I know looking back won't get me moving forward. So I have to let that go and work on the present so the future will be what I want it to be.

But I can't do this anymore. I just want a healthy, fit, attractive body I feel good in and am proud of. I am sick of always fighting being fat. I've always been active and exercised alot, but I'm always struggling with the weight.

So I came onto the forum tonight to get words of wisdom, motivation, inspiration, advice from all the wonderful people here and especially Nancy, and boy did I ever.

Leeann, Michelle, Jan, Mama, Mytime, LuzinIt, you all helped with your accounts and feelings with dealing with similar issues.

Nancy, as always, you shared things and said things that hit home and helped tremendously. [I know we have to lose weight and be healthy for ourselves, but gosh, sometimes I feel like I have to do it for you or I'll let you down ] But seriously, your words, as well as everyone's on here, mean so much to me, so THANK YOU!

So wish me well everyone. Tomorrow I'm back on-plan, to ride this train all the way into the station, so I can learn transition, maintenance, and how to take care of, feel good in, and be proud of this only body that I'm going to have the rest of my life.

Back on the track,
LAwoman

my, my, my, where are my manners? - Nancy, Congrats on your new home. How exciting!