The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Lauren]

Hi, folks-

So, this is going to sound like one of those totally pathetic "are you kidding me?' posts - forgive me in advance!

I suspect this happens to many who've lost a significant amount of weight, but I am getting a little overwhelmed by the commentary and reactions of people recently.

My grandmom passed away last week, and I went home for the funeral and then to sit shiva. For anyone who doesn't know, shiva is in the Jewish religion, the immediate family of the deceased have visitors come visit after the funeral and pay their respects and essentially hang out to keep the mourners busy and surrounded by love and good memories (and they bring food, to help the mourners not have to work, etc.). It lasts a few days (depending on the family's religious observance). Anyway, I was there (obviously), and so were a million and one relatives and friends of the family who came to show their respects.

While people's reactions to me were initially very kind and ego-boosting, they started to make me feel uncomfortable. I had people staring from corners, talking to each other and pointing to me, complimenting me endlessly, asking if I am so happy now, etc. People were coming to the house and saying things like, "where's Lauren, I heard she looks great, and I can't wait to see her." Let's not even address the fact that they are there to honor our family's loss - but getting past that obvious factor - I truly felt like a circus act!

Also, and I don't know if I am alone here, I feel really bad for my former self. Does that sound silly? Because all those years of being obese, I still had a thriving career, a wonderful social life, an apartment in NYC that I bought myself, and an all around active and enjoyable life. Is it better now? Of course. But I was mourning for my old self who, I feel, was being ostracized by all these thin people. It was like I was a monster to them before and I didn't know it. I felt angry and sad, and again, just felt painfully hurt for the me that was - before Medifast.

I recently have really been grieving for the pre-MF me in a lot of ways. I am getting so much "help" from people now (yes, especially men). Helping me into taxis, conductors taking my luggage for me to get off trains, going way out their way to hold doors for me, etc. All in the name of chivalry. But where was that chivalry and that helping hand when I actually needed it? Because there were many times that I really could've used some kindness of strangers - and god knows I was invisible then.

Is all of this insane? I don't miss being fat, but I am so aware of how much easier life is thin, that it makes me ache for who I was and realize how strong I was to just live each day.

I'll leave you all with this - and I am sorry for this waaay long-winded post. I went to my cousin's wedding a couple weeks ago (formal affair) and was wearing a very body-hugging black lace slinky number, and looking the best my family's seen in probably 15 years or more. My mom gave me this huge hug and told me how proud she is and how brave she thinks I am for tackling this. I looked her and said "this isn't brave. Living the way I was for all those years was brave."

Whew. Sorry this has been burbling to the surface as of late.

Thanks!

Lauren

[Elizabeth]

I looked her and said "this isn't brave. Living the way I was for all those years was brave."

I was sad and feeling bad for you thoughout this whole post...but this one made me cry and now I'm mad too.
I'm so sorry you have to feel like this. People just don't understand.

ETA..Lauren I'm so sorry about your Grandmom too.

[alpha femme]

this reaction is really normal.

i know a few people who, after losing a lot of weight, became almost enraged at the way people treated them-- because it made previous interactions standout. one of them actually ended up turning into the nastiest people i've ever met because she internalizes everything good and bad-- and has no identity of her own.

you seem grounded and bright, so i know you'll move past this. just remember that people constantly compare themselves to others, and sometimes the well-meaning stuff is the worst, because it opens us up to the knowledge that we were seen as lesser people when we were heavier.

the only thing i can say is to remember kindness when you deal with people who are heavy, and encourage others around you to do the same.

[supermom]

Hey Lauren! I am sorry you lost your Grandma. But, I have different views on death than most. I just feel like whe has transitioned into her next phase of life. The phase that is pain and suffering and disease free. YAY for her!!!!!

About the other stuff---I feel the same way. People ask me "Oh my gosh! How much weight have you lost?" and I usually respond with "I really am not sure, but my blood pressure is much better and I have SOOO much more energy. Sometime when you have time, I will tell you how my plan might be able to help you be a little healthier, too!" That usually shuts them up. Or when they say "Oh my gosh! I bet you feel so much better!" I usually follow with "Nah, not really. I mean, I AM more healthy, but I felt GREAT before. I still feel GREAT. I probably feel better than I deserve to feel. Except for the credit card debt from having to constantly buy new clothes. Hey---maybe you could use some of my old stuff that doesn't fit anymore." And then, the really pushy ones---you know the ones---the ones that NEVER spoke to me before I started losing weight. I usually follow their questions with "Oh, thanks for noticing. I have lost 54 pounds. How much weight have you gained?"

Do you see where I am going with this?? People have NO RIGHT to make you feel like sh!t, but they do it anyway. Innocently, in most cases, but by giving them the what for without having to be ugly about it, kindly lets them know that you are not doing this simply for vanity. You are doing this for your health, and your health is much better. Now you can't be catty. You have to do it with a nice little smile on your face. Okay, maybe a nice little smirk. But regardless, it gets the point across.

As for your mom, she is right. It is brave to take charge of your weight. It is one of the hardest battles you will ever fight. It was brave to have a great life, go out socially, work in the public eye and all that jazz, as an obese woman. But, it is brave to make the choice to change. It is brave to maintain the active social life. It is brave to face all of the people and their gawking without just shouting from the rooftop for everyone out there to go hang a root. Choosing to be a healthier you and live a healthier lifestyle is brave. It is not easy. Look at all that you have given up. Look at how closely you will have to watch yourself from now until the end of time. Look at the amount of courage it takes to do that. It doesn't take a lot of courage to stop and grab a burger. But, you are right---it takes a lot of courage to be obese and live in a skinny world.

Congratulations on your success and bravery, Lauren. Keep your head held high. Don't let the comments bring you down. Honestly, I just don't think people know that they are offensive when they make the comments.

HUGGS!!!

[Sarya]

I have a friend who lost a bunch of weight. Then a lot of our male acquaintances started flirting with her. She absolutely refuses to date anyone who knew her when she was fat because it makes her so mad that they pay attention to her now but they didn't then.

I don't blame her one bit really.

[Arklahoma]

You are not crazy, and I can totally see where you're coming from; however, your transformation has been nothing short of amazing. Have you looked at your pics lately? You're totally HOT!!! I think they're probably stunned that you were there all the time, right under their noses.

Don't let the turkeys get you down!!!
(sorry wild)

[lauradr]

Lauren! I am sorry about your Grandma,. I know how you feel I feel the same way. But we have lost a lot of weight and you are so pretty .Your Mom is so right in what she said.

[Lauren]

Thanks, guys, for all your kind words and insights! Just so you know, I never thought any of these friends and family meant to be offensive - they are truly thrilled for me and have the best of intentions - it was just that I am feeling defensive for my former self - which is the part that many people don't get. So I do appreciate all the kindness and enthusiasm that I have received, I just feel bittersweet about it.

Elizabeth: Thanks for your kindness and understanding! We really can't expect others to "be in our heads," right? But I appreciate your compassion!

Alpha: I don't think I'll turn out nasty! :-) God, that would suck. Start out kind and fat, end up thin and mean! Life's tradeoffs, huh? Just kidding. I am not enraged, just a little sad, and I was having a "moment!" Thanks for the encouraging words, and I will certainly do my best to continue to treat everyone with equal respect.

Supermom: you crack me up, you always have! Thanks for the response, you were like Tony the Tiger! Boy, I'd want to have you on my side in any kind of fight! Again, I don't think anyone meant ill will - but I will surely use your comebacks if I come across a particularly mean-spirited person! Thanks, also, for your comments on the bravery, that was very generous!

Sarya: I used to have that issue with guys and weight loss in the past. I have never lost this much weight, but even when I had lost some and my guy friends started hitting on me, it had made me angry. Now I realize that it's not fair for me to judge them, as I have never been attracted to obese guys either - so where do I get off expecting them to be attracted to me? People have personal preferences, and I can't be angry at that.

Arklahoma: you are too awesome! Thanks so much! I haven't updated my photos in at least 50 pounds, so that's a huge compliment!

Laura: I know you've been through all this recently as well, so thank you for your kindness, and I wish you lots of health and happiness and good things to come your way. Thanks for the kind words!

Wow - that's more than I've said in the last 3 months combined on here! I get really busy at work, and just don't always have time to participate the way I'd like, but know that all of you are in my thoughts!

Lauren

[ascicles]

I've always been uncomfortable in those situations. I hate people complimenting me about weight loss. Personally, I don't feel like I should be complimented for simply trying to bring my body back to the way it should have been in the first place. The only people who I want to hear praise from, are those who told me that I was fat and needed to lose weight when I was 390 pounds. I don't see losing weight as a positive thing, I simply see it as something that needs to be done.

I'm in the minority in this area, but I would rather people say nothing.

[Lauren]

I know, Ascicles, I am on the fence with that. Women tend to crave a bit more attention to their appearances, so that's certainly part of the issue. I am cool with a quick passing congratulations, I just get uncomfortable with the over the top "holy s**t!" type responses that don't quit.

It's funny you mentioned that you like to hear praise from the folks who gave you crap for being fat, because I am a bit the opposite. The totally stubborn and defiant side of me actually gets annoyed that they might take credit for pushing me! God, I realize I sound like a petulant child when I say that!

Truth is, it's not fair for us to get annoyed at people for having a positive response, they usually are trying to be kind. They can't help it that we're so easily frustrated!

Lauren

[cyn]

Losing weight can definately be a double edge sword! I have had success losing weight before and have people say "oh you will gain it right back!" grrrr--which is worse-them saying it or me actually gaining the weight back and more Last night my df was over and I was discussing the fact that I wanted to lose weight(keeping my MF secret) and I told her what I weighed. She looked at me and said well, I weighed on your scales and can you believe tha I weigh more than YOU? Her tone wasnt that I should feel ok with admitting my weight but more like astonished that anyone could weigh more than me. More like she thought I was fibbing. Why on earth would I fib and admit to being 260+!!? I would have picked 150 if I thought it would make it true! Then we talked about different plans and when we discussed MF she went on and on about how it would never work and I couldnt do it blah blah blah! So thanks to my df for giving me even more determination to really make this work!!

[ascicles]

It's funny you mentioned that you like to hear praise from the folks who gave you crap for being fat, because I am a bit the opposite. The totally stubborn and defiant side of me actually gets annoyed that they might take credit for pushing me! God, I realize I sound like a petulant child when I say that!

Well, the only people who ever told me that I needed to lose weight were my mom and dad, so it's probably a little different.

My dad's uncle weighed 420 pounds and died of a heart attack when he was 32 years old. If he actually knew that I was only 30 pounds away when I started on this plan, he probably would have had a heart attack himself.

[Lauren]

Well, the people saying it overtly were mostly my family as well, but since my family is mostly thin, it just made me constantly feel like they didn't understand. Hell, I didn't understand what was making me eat, how could they?

Glad you're losing the weight, Ascicles, the forum would be supremely boring if you dropped dead.

Lauren

[Sarya]

I think I'm sort of on the fence about compliments. When someone tells me I look great or whatever, that's cool. I tend to feel awkward about it, but that's just how I am with compliments. When someone I am close to wants to talk about it a bit that's usually cool too. But when some random acquaintance starts gushing about how I've lost weight or asking probing questions about it I get very uncomfortable.

The other day two of my coworkers started having a conversation (between themselves. I wasn't involved) right next to me about how much weight I've lost and whatnot. That had to be one of my most uncomfortable moments thusfar.

[Lauren]

Exactly, Sarya! That's what I meant about feeling like a circus act! I know they think they're just showing their enthusiasm, but how weird is it when they start talking about you, in front of you, to each other! And then they bring others in, like "have you seen Lauren yet?" What if that poor sole doesn't feel comfortable? Oooh, it's so awkward!

Lauren