The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[dede4wd]

Of COURSE you're an inspiration! Between your sweet posts and your amazing tranformation photos, believe me, you inspire.

I know this because you inspired me. When we met last week, I was recently re-starting. Taking ONE LOOK at what you and Jen have accomplished since I last saw you DEFINITELY cemented my desire to get back on program 100% and push to goal!

You ARE an inspiration!

DeDe

[Elke]

Thanks DeDe
I am in a funk again...This is getting real old with me and my husband. Twice in the last 3 weeks he has threatened to leave me. I don't want to loose him but I can't keep him if he doesn't want to stay. I think and this might sound bad I think he is controling and since I have lost some weight I am getting attention. I NOT doing anything that would disrespect him. I was told today that I CANNOT talk to any men when he is not around. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself I don't know. I am or I try to be a friendly person...that doen't mean I want to sleep with every guy I meet. My husband feels that a man can't be friends with a female unless he is hoping to have sex with her. He feels it can't be just friends. All my life I have gotten along better with men then woman. I have been a bit of a tomboy and now I don't know who I am any more. My first thought was to become invisible again and gain weight back...I know, I know that wont help. I guess I'm not sure who has the issue, me or him. I love him with everything in me but I don't want to loose who I am...who ever that is.

[dede4wd]

Elke,
I know what you're going through and I'm SO SORRY you're going through this! This is his problem. As we lose weight, we become more confident. Some people see this as threatening...they react with attacks and ultimatums when they start realizing that you're blossoming into something else...they might lose you...that's what they're thinking.

I also have almost all male friends and everyone I date is really threatened by this. I have dozens of male friends that I've never even kissed. Just keep talking and when he says something nasty, listen with the thought that he might just be afraid of losing you.

But, it might also cause him to realize soon that he has to step up his game to keep you. Hopefully that'll happen!

We're here if you need to talk about it! Don't let it get you down and don't let it slow your progress. It's his issue, hopefully he'll work it out soon!

DeDe

[alpha femme]

elke, you're hot.
you were hot before, though.

normally, i wouldn't say anything... but because of my recent history, i have to point this out: there is a fine line between normal jealousy and insecurity and abuse. attempts at isolation cross that line; so do threats to terminate a relationship if unreasonable needs aren't met.

dede is right; this is fear talking.
the problem is, his fears needn't be yours.

everyone is different, but i hope your husband looks at his behavior very closely-- very soon.

[dede4wd]

Once again,
Alex said EXACTLY what I was trying to say! Alex, will you be my copy editor!

DeDe

[Sojourner]

Elke.:hugblue:

Wow. That totally bites. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with such a tough situation.

I wholeheartedly agree with what DeDe and Alex said, it's totally fear talking. Controlling behavior and attempts to isolate you or change who you are to suit his comfort level are issues that your DH needs to resolve himself. They are HIS issues.

So, now I'm gonna' get all psych student on you...

Anthropologist/scientist/intellectual Margaret Mead said: "Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read. It merely records the degree of the lover's insecurity. It is a negative miserable state of feeling having its origin in the sense of insecurity and inferiority."

Yeah...this is about your DH’s feelings and insecurities, not anything that you’re doing (except being your hot self!). Just about every jealous situation is caused by the jealous person feeling that they are not good enough for their partner. They feel inadequate, and that of course their partner would leave them for someone else, if given half a chance. It's a self-esteem issue...HIS.

As far as his opinion about a man not being able to be friends with a woman and that he’s only hoping to have sex with her...well, that's on the other guy, not you. There is no way you can control another person's thoughts or actions, only your own. He has to trust YOU.

Please don't think that you're just "feeling sorry" for yourself, as you suggested. And don't give in to irrational demands that would change who you are. What you can do is sit down and talk openly about your concerns. Maybe try to find ways of building up your DH's self-esteem, to help him feel good about what he has to offer your relationship. Reassure him that you are committed to the relationship and find ways to help him feel assured of it. But really, HE needs to do the work here – again, these are HIS issues.

Sorry for the sermon, but my ex was a very controlling and jealous guy, too…that’s why he’s an ex.

[Elke]

Thanks ladies,
I have talked to him and I told him that I have NO reason to go anywhere. I tell him everyday how he rocks my world. He has helped my raise my 4 kids and I tell him how grateful I am for that. He is a good man and he was brought up to feel this way. Its never been an issue till now. He told me last night that he has lost some trust in me...that hurt. He is willing to work on this but I think I am the one that has to do all the work. You see I did this before too...talked to a guy. I has always been friendly and somewhat out going, I guess it was ok when I was fater casue no one was listening. I don't know who I am right now all I can do it try to take this negitive energy and put it to my workout.
My husband left today for 2 weeks, I know he is wondering what I am doing..he even said he wonders if after we say good night on the phone if I run off and leave. I tell him I don't and its because I don't want to.

[Karli]

Hi Elke, you have had some really great words of wisdom given to you here. You are doing great and this is not a simple situation, nor is it easy.

I think it's interesting that you recognize yourself as changing, both inside as well as outwardly. You know what your own intentions and motivations are toward other guys. From the other side of this, and in this case your husband's side, I think it is right for a spouse to be assured they are not in a relationship where they are feeling betrayed by their sig other and just sitting back and taking it (and this is clearly not what's happening, but, he might be a little extra sensitive as he works to discern this for himself).

So, perhaps there are some new challenges for both of you now. As you are discovering who you are, he is also realizing the need to discover again who he is. That is the beauty and the difficulty of marriage... you are never acting in isolation without consequence to the other.

You gusy might want to look into some counseling if problems are arising, because this change that you are making can indeed be difficult for you both, even though the rewards are also/can be emmense. I would wager that your previous hesitency to finish with MF has something to do with this, too (and it's something similar for *a lot* of people). In the end, you are not doing anything wrong by deciding to lose the weight and then losing it. You know that.

Also, it's not wrong to want to feel and be sexy -- we just need to think very carefully about how we choose to use that kind of compelling and sometimes irresistable power (actually, I am being pretty serious, though). That is a natural and feminine quality. It's okay to be a woman, in all your glory !! What you are doing with these changes in your life is important enough to take a stand for... no matter what.

Keep your head up !
Karli

[dede4wd]

Karli is being wise again! I can't top what she and Sojo said, I can only say that if you want to talk about it, you know how to get a hold of me!

DeDe

[Elke]

Well things just continue to get worse...my husband was just told that he has degenerative joint...maybe bone disease. I can't remember if its joint or bone. He goes to the doc again on the 21 when he returns home and I will go with him so that I can understand. He is worried that he will never ride again...I'm not sure what it is or what it does but I'm not ready to have him roll over and play dead.

[Karli]

wow, that sounds very intense no matter what it is. Keep us posted on how you are doing, stay strong.

Wishing you well,
Karli

[Serendipity]

Elke, I had the same problem that you have the last time I lost weight and I believe it was a big part of my regaining. I will say that as long as I was fat, I could act flirty and touchy feely with our men friends and it didn't matter. I must underline that my intentions were always honorable and being fat, it didn't seem to matter. My husband was not threatened and my friends didn't take any of it in the wrong way. That being said, as I lost weight and began to look good, I didn't change my actions to accomodate my new body. Many is the time we would have a huge fight after a party because of something I said or some way I touched or hugged another man. I was no longer the fun flirty fat girl, I was thin, sexy, and flirty.....big difference.

This time around, I have been especially sensitive to my husbands feelings in that area. I'm not saying your husband has anything to be worried about, but what came across as innocent flirting while fat, can be seen as serious flirting when the flirter is a sexy woman. Your husband is feeling insecure and needs extra reassurance that you only have eyes for him. I regularly pour on the reassurance with my husband, especially in social situations where, if not held in check, things could easily get out of hand and the fighting would begin, lol.

I've also noticed the added attention I get now from men and it kind of steams me, lol. I don't want it.........I'm not a different person.

[dede4wd]

I've also noticed the added attention I get now from men and it kind of steams me, lol. I don't want it.........I'm not a different person.

I know what you mean Jo, well put!

I'm so sorry about your hubby's diagnosis! Tell us when you know more!

DeDe

[Elke]

Well not much has changed around me. My husband is it major pain and he can;t get the meds he needs cause he has to actually walk in with the perscription and since he is hundreds of mile away that aint gonna happen. He is getting more and more angry, he kept yelling while I was trying to come up with an idea to help. I am willing to drive where ever to give him his meds. Anyway the more he yells the worse I feel. I wish we could hurry up and talk to the doctor and figure this out. I wonder how much of this is playing with his brain and making him feel usless. I'm sure he is freaked out, Lord knows I am. I wish there was something I could actually do to help.

[dede4wd]

I'm so sorry! I know how it feels to be helpless! I hope you think of something...they can't call in the prescription to walgreens or somewhere he can pick up anywhere?

DeDe