I am SO supposed to be practicing but I couldn't resist jumping in here. I don't think that I "settled," but I do know that the type of relationship that I ended up with is not what the fairy tales tried to portray, and it's definitely not what movies and TV shows try to portray.
The whole idea of a "spark" for me is just not what it used to be in any way, shape, or form. And, to be honest, since I am a pretty passionate person by nature, I have had to get over that whole idea and that alone has been really hard. That is not my husband's fault, however.
I feel like I can relate so much with many of the things that you explain here. I don't recall ever feeling that sheer lust for the man that is my husband, though I have felt it for other men so I know what it feels like. What I saw in my husband was something different, basically, than what I saw in other men/people. He was real ! He was the "type" of person that I could spend the rest of my life with (though of course we have our issues).
What that meant to me was nothing like a flash in the pan -- and those were MY feelings. My feelings about a long term relationship really had nothing what-so-ever to do with a "spark" and physical attraction -- I have discovered along the way (not that I am condemning those things -- I am just saying that it's not ALL that defines
attraction for me). But, I really wrestled with myself on these points !
We dated for 6 years without sex
, and to be honest, it's not like we got married and suddenly sexed it up as much as possible. HOWEVER, I (and him, I think, too) have had a very interesting journey along this way. I have found out WAY more about myself (and him) than I think I ever would if I had personally settled for passion as the leading factor; this is because that particular thing would allow the rest of me to hide away -- which is simply not my "destiny." As he and I both grow individually, we grow together, too, and I have to say that at this point in time (10 years into the overall relatinoship), I very much prefer what we have over my old concept of what it was "supposed" to be.
I have had a very difficult time opening up to him (anybody) in real ways, and I have always kept people at an arm's length. So, much of the time we were dating I couldn't tell whether my sense of indifference toward him was just me, or whether it was him (or some combo of both). I completely 'get' that ! At some point (and with LOADS of patience on his part), I just knew that he was the right guy for me to marry. And, I will say, I am truly happy ! It hasn't been all roses, but, it's been
worth it.
I see more passion and fire and these things in my future than in my past -- and that is because for the 'real' thing (what that is to me), I need to feel safe enough to really open up. This time in my life, when there is fire and passion, it's real and it fuels something that has already proven itself in value. And, if I had to choose between fire and passion in the beginning and then that dying out, vs friendship and tenderness in the beginning and then developing the fire and passion as we go, I would definitely choose the latter
.
To be honest, I personally think that you like him more than you are willing to admit to yourself
. Although, I actually think you already know that, too
.
All this is just to say that it's okay, in my opinion, if you don't have just these huge feelings of spark and passion right now -- and actually those can develop over time, even
. It's just you and whomever you are with, that's it. That's what you have got and that's the relationship ! It's who you are and who he is, and it's what you make it together.