The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[bikipatra]

sausge type fingers, ewwww
what a visualization 1st thing in the morning!!

Sorry, but I was just asking so I could get a better visual!

[j0j0ruca]

I can only hold hands with the BF for a few minutes and then I'm squirming and begging to be released. I'm more tolerable if it is my fingers wrapped in his palm - the interlacing thing - ick.

I thought of you this morning. I guess Oprah is doing some segment about where to meet men over the age of 35. I heard the blurb on the radio on my way in.

[DogMa]

Yeah, my city ranks No. 3. Everyone here is laughing about it, because ... not so much. And certainly not Jewish men.

And yes, sausage fingers. Although I'm going to check again when I see him at dinner. My perceptions may be a bit skewed. And MY hands are abnormally small. Even my cousin, who's an inch or so shorter than I am, has bigger hands than I do.

[bikipatra]

Well all I have to say at this point is that it is EXTREMELY rare for a male to wait as long as he has to have sex or have some sort of physical intimacy. It shows he respects you even if he does have sausage fingers.

[DogMa]

I know. And he has never once pressured me at all - in fact, the hand-holding came from the therapist, via me. I just can't imagine I'm going to find that in someone else. Especially someone else who has so many good qualities.

If he'd just stop crowding me ...

It's funny. Last night, I was so happy because he didn't call, and I thought he's finally learning that we don't need to talk every day. Then I got up this morning and saw that he'd e-mailed me last night, saying he lost track of time and forgot to call, and asking if it was too late.

[bikipatra]

Calling every day is "normal" activity for people who have been seeing each other for a while. It's only a playa who makes you wait days for his calls. He is trying to let you know you are important to him.

[Pashta]

I don't understand why you wouldn't want him to call you daily? Is this just a casual relationship that is never leading anywhere? Why even date him if you don't like him enough to talk to him every day? Sorry but that doesn't make any sense to me.

[alpha femme]

oh, miss robin, you are so me on the caling and hand-holding....
but, here's the most important question: is there a spark?
you like him, but (regardless of how close you are to acting on it) is there true physical attraction? if there is, plod on. if there's not, you should ask yourself what you really want from him.

[DogMa]

Thanks, Alex. For the others, I don't want ANYone to call me daily. And we really just don't have enough to talk about to justify a daily phone call. We already e-mail a few times a day; that's enough for me.

As for attraction, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

And where is it going? I know where HE wants it to go. As for me, I still don't know. I'm still not crazy about him. I still think he tends to be dull and while I know he's an exceptionally NICE person, I'm not convinced that he's all that bright. I still spend a lot of time explaining things to him that I think most people (at least, the people I know) already know. But like I said before, I don't especially want to spend the rest of my life alone, and I'm not sure I'm going to find someone else this patient and willing to put up with all my baggage. So I keep hoping he'll grow on me. In the meantime, he knows how I feel.

[Tawanda]

Life is too short and too precious to settle for something that we aren't wild over, IMHO.

For almost everyone (I think) there are qualities that draw us to someone and certain things that 'bug' us. Once the newness leaves any relationship, the little things that 'kind of' bothered us tend to really bug the ever loving ....... juice........ ..... right out of us. If his lack of knowledge about things bugs you now, it will most likely REALLY bug you later....

All this is my opinion and it may not be worth the time I'm taking to type this to you. But........you shouldn't have to convince yourself that you would be happy/content with someone just because they are 'nice' and you are concerned about maybe not finding someone 'better'.

I feel badly for him if you don't really care for him but yet make a committment to him at some point and I feel badly for you, too, in short changing what you want and not seeing if Mr. Right will come around the corner in 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 hours or 2 years.

All my own thoughts and opinions.....not meant to cause offense, hurt or anger you.

My best to you in whatever you decide!

[nickieluv]

I know what it is to settle. I knew from the moment my husband proposed that something was wrong. In fact I didn't say yes for several days. But I went ahead because I thought he was the only person who would ever want me. And my friends were all getting married, blah blah blah. Things were not satisfying in any area of our lives and 3 years ago I was ready to walk out the door. Circumstances arose and I had to stay to help him through a tough emotional situation, and then I got pregnant and leaving was not an option any more.

I got VERY LUCKY and our relationship has completely turned around. A lot of it is changes in me, realizing that he is a great guy in a lot of ways and I was searching for perfection. This diet has led me to work through some emotional baggage of my own (as we all know ad nauseum I'm sure from my journal struggles) and I am able to allow myself to be loving again and to receive love without guilt.

I guess what I'm saying is that I see both sides of your dilemma here, Robin. It sounds like you think some of your ambivalence about JDG may be you and not have anything to do with him. As you change, your feelings for him may change and you probably don't want to risk missing out on something that could be great for you. On the other hand, there's a chance that even when you come to grips with your own mind, there will still be no spark there and nothing to build a relationship on.

I know people say never try to change a man but I gotta tell you, it can be done with time and patience. Maybe you can direct him more to what you're looking for. Tell him three contacts a day is enough - if that's three e-mails, there's your quota. Or say no calls after 9pm. He sounds like he wants to be with you and definitely sees a woman that is worth waiting for and working for (we all see that, too!) so I say, keep him around for now. Be firm with your requests and appreciative of his understanding. In the end, even if he's not "the one," at least you will have learned a lot about being in a relationship and what you are looking for in a partner for life.

And this might sound like I'm advocating using him for your own purposes and dumping him when you're done. That's not what I mean. Tell him that you're not playing games with him, but that you have to take things slowly and when you ask for time apart it doesn't mean you're playing the field or anything. And he's an adult, I'm sure he understands that sometimes things don't work out and if you do end the relationship eventually hopefully he'll be mature enough to understand why.

[DogMa]

It's nothing I haven't said to myself, believe me. At the same time, I'm realistic about it. Like I said, I'm 45 and haven't even come close before. And to find someone this willing to be patient and wait and even help me deal with all my intimacy issues is a huge deal, and not something I'm likely to run into again.

And sometimes he doesn't bug me at all; it just depends. I still think anyone would get on my nerves if I were around him (or her; this goes for friends, too) too much. It's just the way I am, and I require a lot more time alone and personal space than most people do. I've always said my ideal relationship would be with someone who lived next door - or across the street - from me, but I really don't want someone actually LIVING with me. I live in a house, rather than an apartment, for a reason, and it's not just the dogs. I don't even like living in a SMALL house.

The only people I talk to every day are people at work, and even that's mostly by e-mail. Or for brief spurts. I'm not one to just sit and talk on the phone with someone for an hour at a time.

[Karli]

I am SO supposed to be practicing but I couldn't resist jumping in here. I don't think that I "settled," but I do know that the type of relationship that I ended up with is not what the fairy tales tried to portray, and it's definitely not what movies and TV shows try to portray.

The whole idea of a "spark" for me is just not what it used to be in any way, shape, or form. And, to be honest, since I am a pretty passionate person by nature, I have had to get over that whole idea and that alone has been really hard. That is not my husband's fault, however.

I feel like I can relate so much with many of the things that you explain here. I don't recall ever feeling that sheer lust for the man that is my husband, though I have felt it for other men so I know what it feels like. What I saw in my husband was something different, basically, than what I saw in other men/people. He was real ! He was the "type" of person that I could spend the rest of my life with (though of course we have our issues).

What that meant to me was nothing like a flash in the pan -- and those were MY feelings. My feelings about a long term relationship really had nothing what-so-ever to do with a "spark" and physical attraction -- I have discovered along the way (not that I am condemning those things -- I am just saying that it's not ALL that defines attraction for me). But, I really wrestled with myself on these points !

We dated for 6 years without sex , and to be honest, it's not like we got married and suddenly sexed it up as much as possible. HOWEVER, I (and him, I think, too) have had a very interesting journey along this way. I have found out WAY more about myself (and him) than I think I ever would if I had personally settled for passion as the leading factor; this is because that particular thing would allow the rest of me to hide away -- which is simply not my "destiny." As he and I both grow individually, we grow together, too, and I have to say that at this point in time (10 years into the overall relatinoship), I very much prefer what we have over my old concept of what it was "supposed" to be.

I have had a very difficult time opening up to him (anybody) in real ways, and I have always kept people at an arm's length. So, much of the time we were dating I couldn't tell whether my sense of indifference toward him was just me, or whether it was him (or some combo of both). I completely 'get' that ! At some point (and with LOADS of patience on his part), I just knew that he was the right guy for me to marry. And, I will say, I am truly happy ! It hasn't been all roses, but, it's been worth it.

I see more passion and fire and these things in my future than in my past -- and that is because for the 'real' thing (what that is to me), I need to feel safe enough to really open up. This time in my life, when there is fire and passion, it's real and it fuels something that has already proven itself in value. And, if I had to choose between fire and passion in the beginning and then that dying out, vs friendship and tenderness in the beginning and then developing the fire and passion as we go, I would definitely choose the latter .


To be honest, I personally think that you like him more than you are willing to admit to yourself . Although, I actually think you already know that, too .

All this is just to say that it's okay, in my opinion, if you don't have just these huge feelings of spark and passion right now -- and actually those can develop over time, even . It's just you and whomever you are with, that's it. That's what you have got and that's the relationship ! It's who you are and who he is, and it's what you make it together.

[Pashta]

Hey Karli, that's how I feel about my husband too. All my exes I had the passion and lust for, and it was GREAT and wonderful and I felt so alive... until it burned out.

My husband is a nice man, I am attracted to his mind and his sense of humor, he's nice and there is a physical attraction that is just strong enough to last I believe.

I do miss the passion and lust of the other relationships, but when I think about it I know that this one will last and he can be trusted. That's the most important thing in a marriage - trust.

Robin I wish you the best of luck with this one. If he is that patient that's saying a LOT about him.

[DogMa]

Thanks, you guys. Karli, you sound SO much like me in that, it's scary. But reassuring, too.

He's definitely learning more about what's going in the world lately. Partly I think because he's paying more attention because he knows how important it is to me, and partly because he's OUT in the world more now that he's dating me.

I'm really curious to see what his family's like tonight.