The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[nickieluv]

From the beginning, one of my goals was to have people not know I ever struggled, and to think I'm just naturally slim.

OK, so now that's one of my goals, too. That would be neat! New teachers are always coming into the building, now I'm having fun imagining a whole crop of new teachers who will never know me as fat. That's a couple years away, probably, but a fun fantasy still. Thanks for the idea.

[DogMa]

Still here. We're going through a major redesign at the paper, and things are pretty hectic. And I'm supposed to be meeting JDG's family this week, which seems a little ill-advised, but they apparently have been pestering him for ages.

Still keeping up with the two workouts a day (today I ran half the time; next week I'm going to try for 60/40). Got the 5K on Saturday morning and another the following Saturday. Weight's still up and down, and eating still needs improvement. So after looking at my FitDay and weight records, I'm going back to what seemed to work the best, which was Body For Life (experimenting with calorie levels, starting with about 1,150-1,200). With limited free days, though. Staying with just cardio and limited resistance training for now.

Also managed to tweak my back, probably during my morning workout. I'm still going to do the tape, though.

[DogMa]

I don't know what my problem is lately. I had a binge last night - sweets, no less. It was brief, and I was finally back in control about 15 minutes later, but even so, I'm REALLY upset with myself lately. I just can't seem to get myself back on track, and I don't know why.

[bikipatra]

Have you met the fam yet? Maybe you have anxiety about that if it hasn't happened yet.

[DogMa]

Tomorrow night. I don't think I'm stressed about it, though. I think I'm more bothered that I'm NOT, you know? Frankly, I think I'm having some major emotional issues because I still don't really care about him either way. And I think his caring so much for ME, when I don't feel the same, is starting to really get to me.

But I still don't know how much of my not caring is because of who he is and that maybe he's just not right for me, and how much is me, and my own deep-seated relationship fears.

I enjoy being with him, most of the time. But it's hard to say how much of that is because of the things we're doing, and how much is actually him. I'm starting to think very little of it is actually him. Because if we're just sitting around talking, or talking on the phone or something - with nothing else going on - I'm not all that interested. (Then again, I'm like that with a lot of people. So maybe it's just that I don't like to sit around and talk, with nothing else going on.)

[nickieluv]

I hope you can get back on a track that feels good to you soon. Congratulations on stopping the binge after only 15 minutes. I know you wish it hadn't happened in the first place but it's still a victory that you could be aware of what you were doing and put a quick stop to it.

Not to be too personal, but are you still seeing someone about your emotional issues? Are you starting to get into something uncomfortable there and maybe that's been keeping you feeling 'off' lately?

[Lizabette]

As mama used to say, "It will all come out in the wash..."

[DogMa]

Maybe. I realize how stupid this sounds, but she's had us progress to the hand-holding and casual-touching stage. Which makes me very uncomfortable. Partly because of my problems, partly because I'm so iffy about him to start with. Sigh. And I think I'm obsessing on weird little details because of it, too - like I suddenly hate his hands because his fingers are too thick. And even while I feel that way, I KNOW it's stupid and it most likely has nothing at all to do with his hands.

I'm so screwed up.

[Tawanda]

Robin, no you are not so screwed up (from what I've read in your journal). I still remember a co-worker from when I was 16....he had fat fingers and big hands---I just hated it when he'd walk by me and lay one of those big paws on my shoulder or back. Gave me the hebegebees. I also went out on a date with a very sweet guy when I was about 18, he also had big sweaty hands and fat fingers......I couldn't hold hands with him and was praying for the date to be over---it just bugged me that much. He was (and still is) a great guy and a lovely friend -- but there was no way in the world that I could ever have thought of him romantically or seriously have him in my life, because of those hands.

Sure sounds shallow when I read what I've wrote, but visualizing those two instances, from many, many years ago (and a few more many-s added in) and I get that same feeling.

The only reason I'm sharing that is so that you'll know you aren't alone in noticing (and being bothered) by something that sounds pretty trite and insignificant.

For some people teeth, noses, body hair (too much or not enough) and a multitude of other things are a turn off.. no odder or less important than 'hands'.

Don't force yourself to feel feelings or to do things that just don't feel right or make you happy. He may be a good friend, but nothing says he has to be a hand holding, kissing or more intimate friend.

Hope something I've shared will help underscore what you are already thinking or feeling.

My best to you!

[nickieluv]

Great points, Tawanda. Robin, you shouldn't assume it's just your problems that are making you feel funny about this. Sorry for being so pat about that earlier. Trust your gut. Tell the therapist that with this guy, hand-holding and casual touching are not on the menu, if that's how you really feel. But if you think it's something more personal, keep trying to break through it. If you really feel weird, trust it. Your body tells you what it needs with food and exercise - your mind and heart do the same with relationships, if you listen.

[DogMa]

Yeah, but just like with food and exercise, I can't trust my instincts. My body says it's hungry when it isn't; it says it's tired and needs to quit when it can keep going; and it lies about this stuff, too.

She says maybe he's not the right one and there are plenty of others out there. But I'm 45, and even though they may be out there, I certainly haven't met them (and finding someone who's Jewish in this area is even harder). And how many am I going to find who are willing to be this patient and understanding of all my issues? We've been going out for four months now, and he's still perfectly willing to wait and let me set the (snail's) pace.

I don't want to settle, and I'm not saying that I would. But at this point, and with the level of difficulty I have in this area, I think I HAVE to give it more time and keep trying. Realistically, I just don't know that I'm going to have that many more opportunities like this.

[j0j0ruca]

I HATE holding hands. I don't like the feeling of things between my fingers. This might be why I never wear jewelry on my fingers *light in head goes on* My boyfriend knows I'm not a "touchy feeling" person (no hand holding, no excessive cuddling, and so on) and he as much as he hates it - he does accept it.

[DogMa]

Yeah, I can't imagine I'll EVER be a touch-feely person. And I already put my foot down when he tried to hold hands with the fingers interlaced - I hate it even normally, and with those thick fingers (and my little miniature hands), it's just WAY too uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, I finally managed a day of BFL compliance. Tonight we're going to a fish place, so I should be fine at dinner. I'm planning on grilled tilapia and whatever veggies they have. And maybe a salad. Dressing on the side, with the fork dipped in, of course.

I'm going to try cutting one of my earlier meals in half, too, so I leave room for a shake or pudding between dinner and bedtime. Because maybe I'm missing having something sweet at the end of the day.

[bikipatra]

So he has vienna sausage type fingers, sort of like "little people"?

[holberry]

sausge type fingers, ewwww
what a visualization 1st thing in the morning!!