The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Buying a Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Diary of a Blonde Cook


Monday: Back from honeymoon and settled into our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!

Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my Mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!

Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!

[Nancy]

Chocolate

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.
Since I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 160 pounds, so ... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 6 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate!

[Nancy]

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever...

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Things Not To Say When Hanging the Lights (Not diet related but if you're an emotional eater, this may relieve stress so you won't overeat)

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree:

“You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the h*** do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

"Give me that!"

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where's the cat?"

[shineface]

All of these posts are a riot ---

wish I had something funny to add - I'm on the lookout -- keep posting - it's helping me laugh my BUTT off ---- naw the MF is doing it!!!!

WE WILL DO THIS TOGETHER!!!

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Christmas Tree Care by Dave Barry


The Christmas tree is a cherished holiday tradition that dates back 500 years, to the early Germans. What happened was, one night right around Christmas, a bunch of early Germans were sitting around, and one of them, named Helmut, said: ``I know! Let's chop down a perfectly good fir tree, drag it inside, and see if we can get it to stand up again!''


``Why in the world would we do THAT?'' asked the other early Germans, who also happened to speak English.


``It's a cherished holiday tradition!'' replied Helmut.


This made sense to the other Germans, because they had just invented beer. So they went out, chopped down a tree, dragged it home and spent the next four days trying to make it stand up. We now know that, under the laws of physics, this is impossible. Nevertheless, the tradition of trying to erect Christmas trees continues to the present day. We should be grateful that the early Germans didn't decide to drag home some large forest organism that is even LESS appropriate for interior use than a tree. Imagine what Christmas would be like today if they had used, for example, a moose. We'd have millions of families driving home with a dead Christmas moose strapped to the roof of the car; and then Dad would spend hours trying to get the moose to fit into a cheesy $4.99 drugstore moose stand; and then the whole family would decorate it; and then, as everybody gathered around in admiration, it would topple majestically to the ground. So it would be essentially the same as what we do now, except that Dad would not get pine sap in his hair.


But the point is that the Christmas tree is a cherished tradition, as reflected in the lyrics to the classic Christmas carol O Tannenbaum:

``O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,

``Something something something,

``So bring us some figgy pudding,

``But not TOO figgy, because we get gas.''


Now let's talk about caring for your Christmas tree. According to the American Association Of Guys Without All Their Teeth Selling Christmas Trees From Tents, the major varieties of Christmas tree are: Pine, Spruce, Douglas Fir, Walnut, Fake, Balsa and Douglas Firbanks Jr. The Association recommends that, before you buy a tree, you should always have Dad pick it up and bang it hard on the ground a couple of times; according to the Association, this is ``a lot of fun to watch.''


Once you get the tree home and set up in its stand (allow six to eight weeks) you will want to take measures to prevent it from shedding needles all over your floor. The best way to do this, according to the Association, is to ``remove your floor.'' If that is not practical, you can make a mixture of four cups of water, two tablespoons of bleach and one tablespoon of sugar, but it will do you no good. When decorating the tree, always use strings of cheap lights manufactured in Third World nations that only recently found out about electricity. Shop around for light strings that have been pre-snarled at the factory for your convenience.


OK! Now that we've covered tree care, it's time for this:

SPECIAL HOLIDAY SAFETY TIP: If you're staging a Nativity show, and you're thinking of using live animals, you had best think again. This tip is based on an alarming newspaper story from the Dec. 23, 1997, issue of the Annapolis, Md., Capital, written by Christopher Munsey and sent in by alert reader Katie Gibbs (other reports of the same incident were sent by George Spilich).

The Capital story, which I swear I am not making up, is headlined:

``Huge camel fleeing live Nativity scene killed on Route 50.'' It states that on the night of Sunday, Dec. 21, a church was preparing to stage a Nativity show featuring live animals, when a six-foot-tall, 600-pound camel named Ernie escaped, ran onto a highway, was struck by a car, and went to That Big Zoo In The Sky. The article quotes the driver of the car that hit Ernie as saying: ``How in the h*** is a camel on Route 50 in the United States of America?''

These are words that we would all be wise to remember. But let us not let the threat of colliding with escaped camels dampen the joy we feel during this special time of year, as expressed in the traditional carol Deck the Halls:

``Deck the halls with boughs of holly!''

``Fa la la la la, la la la (crash)''

[smartiegrrl]

The Twelve Thank-You Notes Of Christmas (this is one of my faves!)

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily.



Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily.



My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.



Dearest Edward, Dec 28

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -- they make telephoning almost impossible -- but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.



Dearest Edward, Dec 29

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily.



Dear Edward, Dec 30

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.

I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love,

Emily.



Edward, Dec 31

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no less than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.



Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily.



Look here, Edward, Jan 2

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting 'round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.

If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily.



Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.



Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.



Sir, Jan 5

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

G. Creep

Attorney at law.

[Nancy]

the ever demure and yet slightly wanton and most alluring LW just snorted and chortled...
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

[LongWay2go]

OH, I don't know if my heart can take it! ROFL!!!

[LongWay2go]

One for everyone...




And one, just for the ladies!

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Christmas Signs in Stores

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal Boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a Church: “The original Christmas Club.”

At a Department Store: “Big Pre-Christmas Sale. Come in and mangle with the Crowds.”

A Texas Jewelry Store: “Diamond tiaras--$70,000. Three for $200,000.”

A Reducing Salon: “24 Shaping Days ‘til Christmas.”

[Karen]

Has anyone noticed how GOOD food tastes nowadays? I just had a plain ole chicken breast (cooked on George) and plain ole canned green beans. The taste is much better than I remember it ever being. Also, it took me almost 25min. to eat it, instead of the usual 5. I think I must be learning some good habits here. MF is WONDERFUL!

ps: We had our office christmas party today. Every wonderful, delicious finger food and sweet thing imaginable was available. I was happy with a cup of beef boullion and a pudding. (and of course a quart of water!) I can honestly say I wasn't even tempted! I hope for some more of that kind of feeling when my family get together all you can eat of all your favorite foods type of party happens on Saturday.

[Nancy]

Yup, food does taste better when you savor the flavor and not wolf it down! Good for you for noticing, Karen.

You're going to do fine Saturday - the office CHRISTmas party was a practice run and you passed the test! Just remember that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, you've had all that food before and it will still be around next time there is a family gathering and you have made a decision to get your arteries and your heart in better shape and you don't wanna clog 'em up!

Food has no power over you. YOU are in control!

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Ok, can't resist posting this one since you've mentioned office parties.


You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table. ****