The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Lois]

Camille, I LOVE it!!!!!!

Don't you wonder sometimes who comes up with these things???????

love and hugs,

Lois

[hawaiiwhatnot]

I thought I could do my own small part to save the planet by becoming a vegetarian. Actually, I did it not so much because I love animals but because I hate plants. I still like to hunt, though. In fact, I've found that plants are a lot easier than animals to sneak up on.

A. WHITNEY BROWN

[Nancy]

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

10. You want the window open and it's 40 degrees outside.

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Don't worry about your heart. It will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

[hawaiiwhatnot]

Originally published Oct 2, 2004 Miami Herald by
Humor Columnist Dave Barry

I lifted weights, now I can't move my arms

I started lifting weights. But not for the reason you think. You think I want to look "cut" and "ripped" and have bulging muscles like the ones on male underwear models, who for some reason are always shown posing outdoors, looking sullen, as if a group of even more muscular models stole their pants.

You think I want to have muscles like that, so women will look at me and think: "Wow! I would like to see HIS syndicated column!" But you are wrong. I'm lifting weights for sensible medical reasons, which I learned about from the highest possible medical authority: the Internet. If you ever experience a medical symptom, such as itching, you don't need to waste time sitting in a doctor's waiting room reading 1997 issues of Redbook. Instead, you can go to the Internet, and with just a few mouse clicks, you'll discover the reassuring truth: There might be a worm in your brain.

Really. According to a medical site called Medline Plus ("Trusted Health Information for You") sponsored by The National Medical Library AND The National Institutes of Health, itching can be a symptom of a condition called "visceral larva migrans" (literally, "a worm in your brain"). And before I get a bunch of nasty letters from irate physicians attacking me for unnecessarily scaring people, let me note that another symptom of brain worm is - and this is a direct quote from Medline Plus - "irritability."

But getting back to weightlifting: I found out from the Internet that when you get to be my age (old), you lose bone density and muscle mass. This alarmed me, because I never had any muscle mass to begin with.

Men: You know how, when your wife can't open a pickle jar, she gives it to you and you're supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That's not what happens in our house. What happens is, after a struggle lasting several minutes, I wind up lying on the floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie.

I've always been puny. As a youth, I totally missed the boat to Puberty Island. It sailed with all my classmates, leaving me on the dock. When it returned, down the gangplank came tromping all these young adults between 6 and 8 feet tall, sporting muscles and beards and bosoms (sometimes all three). Whereas I was still this little hairless dweeb with a voice in the Pinocchio range.

It was a difficult time for me, but one day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that girls were not interested only in looks - that the qualities that really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was long ago, but it taught me an invaluable life lesson: Moms lie when they have to.

The truth is that - and I speak here as a trained humor professional - women are definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say: "I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on and tell some jokes!" But let me repeat in a non-defensive manner that this has NOTHING TO DO with why I'm lifting weights. I'm doing it for mass and density, as clearly explained on the Internet.

Is my weight training working? Consider this: After just one week of lifting, I can no longer move my arms. I feel as though oxen have been clog-dancing on my upper body. I have to brush my teeth by holding the toothbrush still and moving my head up and down.

The problem is that weights - follow me closely - are heavy. When you lift them, your muscles hurt, which is your body's way of telling you: "Stop lifting weights, moron!" (Or in some cases: "There's a worm in your brain!") But I'm making progress: The other morning, I bench-pressed a total weight of - and here, to make it look more impressive, I will use the metric system - 4,082,331.33 centigrams. Lying on my back, I was able to lift this weight INTO THE AIR, then bring it back down onto my chest, thus completing a bench press.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get the weight back off my chest. Seriously: I was trapped. My wife had to come rescue me. She thought it was very funny; I heard her laughing all the way back to the kitchen. I bet the pickle jar was laughing, too. I will kill it with a hammer, if I can ever lift my arms again.

[SusannaRosannaDanna]

I *LOVE* Dave Barry's column! LOLOLOL



Susanna

[hawaiiwhatnot]

CAUTION: HUNGRY DIETER, MAY BITE IF PROVOKED

[hawaiiwhatnot]

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.

~Stephen Phillips

[hawaiiwhatnot]

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

-- George Bernard Shaw

[Nancy]

I have trouble using my laptop. No "lap" for it to top!

~Spidey aka Gerald

[hawaiiwhatnot]

(My apologies for this being so long - but it's SOOOO relevant to us foodies and the issue of Halloween candy, I just had to share it) Camille

Dave Barry on Halloween

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat. This is also how we celebrated
Columbus Day, Washington's Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, Easter, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's
Day, Armistice Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, Thursday, etc. We brought these decorations home to our parents, who by federal law were required to attach them to the refrigerator with magnets.

That was a wonderful, carefree time in which to be a youngster or
construction-paper salesperson. But it all ended suddenly one day -- I'll never forget it -- when the Soviet Union launched the first satellite, called "Sputnik'' (which is Russian for "Little Sput''). Immediately all the grown-ups in America became hysterical about losing the Space Race, which led to a paranoid insecurity about our educational system, expressed in anguished newspaper headlines asking, "WHY AREN'T OUR KIDS LEARNING IN SCHOOL?'' I wanted to answer, "BECAUSE ALL WE EVER DO IS MAKE DECORATIONS OUT OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER,'' but I couldn't, because my mouth was full of paste.

But getting back to Halloween:
It's still one of the most fun holidays of the year, as well as one of the most traditional, tracing its origins back more than 2,000 years to the Druids, an ancient religious cult that constructed Stonehenge as well as most of the public toilets in England. The Druids believed that one night each year, at the end of October, the souls of the dead returned to the world of the living and roamed from house to house costumed as Power Rangers.

And thus it is that to this day, youngsters come to our door on Halloween night shouting: "Trick or treat!'' According to tradition, if we don't give the youngsters a "treat,'' their parents will "sue'' us. That's why most of us traditionally prepare for Halloween by going to the supermarket and purchasing approximately eight metric tons of miniature candy bars, which we dump into a big bowl by the door, ready to hand out to the hordes of trick-or-treaters.

The irony, of course, is that there ARE no hordes of trick-or-treaters,
not any more. We in the news media make darned sure of that. Every year we publish dozens of helpful consumer-advice articles, cheerfully reminding parents of the dangers posed by traffic, perverts, poisoned candy, and many other Halloween hazards that parents would never think of if we didn't remind them ("Have fun, but remember that this year more than 17,000 Americans will die bobbing for apples'').

The result is that many children aren't allowed to go trick-or-treating, and the ones who ARE allowed out come to your house no later than 4:30 p.m., wearing reflective tape on their Power Rangers costumes and trailed at close range by their parents, who watch you suspiciously and regard whatever candy you hand out as though it were unsolicited mail from the Unabomber.

So for most of Halloween, your doorbell is quiet. This means that you pass the long night alone, hour after hour, just you and the miniature candy bars. After a while they start calling seductively to you from their bowl in their squeaky little voices.

"Hey, Big Boy!'' they call. "We're going to waste over here!''

As the evening wears on they become increasingly brazen. Eventually they crawl across the floor, climb up your body, unwrap themselves and force themselves bodily into your mouth. There's no use hiding in the bathroom, because they'll just crawl under the door and tie you up with dental floss and threaten to squeeze toothpaste in your eye unless you eat them. At least that's what they do to me. By the end of the night my blood has the same sugar content as Yoo-Hoo.

But eating huge amounts of candy allegedly purchased for youngsters is
only part of the Halloween tradition. The other part is buying a pumpkin and carving it to make a "jack-o'-lantern,'' which sits on your front porch, a festive symbol of the age-old truth -- first discovered by the Druids -- that there is no practical use for pumpkins.

Here's how to make a traditional jack-o'-lantern:

1. Cut a lid on top of the pumpkin.

2. Pull off the lid and peer down into the slimy, festering pumpkin bowels.

3. Put the lid back on and secure it with 200 feet of duct tape.

(This is also the traditional procedure for stuffing a turkey.)

But however you celebrate Halloween, make sure you remember this important safety tip: (IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP GOES HERE). Otherwise, you will not survive the night. I'd give you more details, but right now I need to do something about these tiny Milky Ways crawling up my legs.

[RavenKat]

I laughed out loud several times reading that column!!!

Thanks!

Halloween is my favorite holiday - the kiddies ringing the door bell being the least favorite part. It's my wedding anniversary! :-)

Kat

[hawaiiwhatnot]

David Letterman's Top Ten Least Popular Candy Bars

10. Lug Nut
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Resin Chews
6. Reverend Al's Marshmallow Medallions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good 'N' Linty
3. Two Musketeers and a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log

[Nancy]

Hah! This one is definitely snort-worthy!

HawaiWhatNot, you come up with some real gems!


I think I had some #4, Good 'n Linty the other day - don'tcha just hate it when ya need a piece of gum or a little breath mint really bad and you have to scrounge around in the bowels of your purse for it or the deepest corner of your pocket?

Ever happen to you, Bunky?

You jam your cuticle on the edge of your jeans pocket on the way in. You search around in there for that little bit of sweet.

Eureka!

Although your cuticle is stinging and the tightness of your pocket has cut off your finger circulation, you manage to grab a hold of the elusive bit of licorice or gum.

Just as you work your hand out of the tight pocket, ya get your ring caught in there on a little wild thread and then the tough pocket seam binding rips the hair off of the back of your fingers.

Or just as you have finally fished around and found the goody, ya accidentally drop it back in the recesses of your purse/pocket...argh!

After all that purse or pocket work, you finally plunk it into your mouth - and because it is the only one you've got and therefore, you cannot offer to share your find with another, you slide it into the corner of your yap when ya think no one is looking and...Blech! Yeee-ow!

It has a massive lint blob attached or worse yet, a groady hair embedded in it and it is hanging out of the corner of your mouth for all to see.

Ever try to extricate a hair from your mouth graciously?

I hate it when that happens!

[fedup]

The Halloween article--- I laughed so much!! hilarious! I've gotta print that one! The little candy bars definitely were calling to me... oh me oh my... the power of twix, the lure of snickers... who covets power, money or fame... me, I'll take nougat and chocolate any day. (And don't get me started on what I'd sacrifice for caramel!) ha ha. I just went to bed VERY early, as soon as trick or treat was over. Course my toddler has it spread all over the living room still... Oh well.

I just saw Ravenkat's post, Halloween anniversary huh? HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!