Actually, I'm writing because Mike isn't here and I have a hard time going to bed.
My thoughts: I'll keep the abstract "poetry" to myself. My university supervisor liked it, but I think it cost me an interview in the Rogue Valley when I used it for my autobiography. (Actually, that prof was the first one to call it poetry. Perhaps in something besides our typical, English meter-and-rhyme definition, it might fit the definition.)
I'm really excited about convention for lots of reasons, but here's the most private one: I won't be judged on my size. People will look at me and recognize a work in progress without any other assumptions.
When I was single, I didn't think much about it. My size didn't bother me much, and when I was younger, it certainly didn't stop me from anything.
But then I started dating and then married Mike,
and I saw how the world treated him, and how it/they treated US as an obese couple. The stares, the doubletakes, the rude comments NOT out of earshot, the arguing with the airlines about whether our mere size was inconsiderate to other passengers even if we were in a two-seat row and our suspect abilities in handling an emergency exit. (On one trip, a flight attendant at Continental even announced that boarding was being delayed so they could reshift the cargo in order to accommodate the weight of some of their passengers. That was worse than being kicked off the rollercoaster.) We'd go to a concert and people would complain as if we were deaf about sitting by us. It was a constant barrage every time we went out.
Mike interviewed for job after job after job every summer trying to get out of the district where he previously taught. He got hired in Vallejo because the principal with whom he interviewed knew ME. The summer AFTER he lost weight from gastric bypass surgery, he was offered EVERY position he interviewed for (our district wouldn't let him go, though -- contract issues, etc.). AND when not in a professional setting, people would talk to him, and sometimes us, like he was/we were cognitively challenged. The man has 4 degrees, for pete's sake! And two separate science credentials and he's finishing a math credential this summer! Not only that, he's NCLB "highly qualified" in ALL of those areas. He's WRITTEN curriculum for middle school science.
For my part, after working for two and a half years with the same principal, he admitted that when he first met me (it was not his decision to hire me), he didn't realize large people could be intelligent, ambitious and hardworking. (HONEST! Actually, it was as sincere and touching a conversation as we ever had -- he was apologizing... And I was leaving for an administrative position that placed me over him.)
I don't know what it's like to be a person of color in this country. I do, however, know what it's like to witness oppression and feel the anger it elicits.
But it's a two-way street. The first time I accompanied Mike to a bypass support group meeting, there were these thin, gorgeous women in jeans and leather, hair all done, make-up and nails camera ready. My first thought was, "What in the world are THEY doing here?!? They don't belong!! This isn't a safe place if the like of them are allowed in to OUR meeting." I was, for the first time in my life, aware of my own prejudices. Not until introductions, and I understood that these incredible bombshells had lost an AVERAGE of 200 lbs each, did I recognize my initial reaction for what it was.
I knew the surgery wasn't for me. But I honestly never thought I'd be below 250 again in my life, much less below 200, a healthy weight and perhaps even a single digit size. (That part might NEVER happen -- I was a size 12 my junior year in high school, my only thin year previous to the many that await me now. But that's ok! Anything that doesn't start with a 2 or a 3 will work!)
But whether I do or I don't reach a single digit size, and regardless of the fact that some others will ALWAYS find a reason not to connect with me (or want to connect with me, or immediately dislike me...whatever -- I teach middle school -- psh!), I endeavor to be aware of my prejudisms and eradicate them. I will not be guilty of the same sin.
And now I get to spend several days with hundreds (thousands??) of people who will see me through experienced and hopeful eyes. I won't be glancing around and suddenly see someone avert their stare, or lean over to a friend and indicate in my direction (unless, of course, they're just stunned by my incredible hair! Thanks, SharonR!).
A vast and wide community of fellow travellers -- some arrived, some still trudging with me. And my sister besides!!! How refreshingly welcome and unfathomably exciting is that?
I supposed I had something to say after all! And now I really AM tired (and my shoulders and neck hurt from being on here too long).
Read, respond or not, it's ok. This is, after all, a journal. Mostly a place to hear myself talk.
--Diana
!! That's actually quite a thing, I know. I haven't worn a pair of jeans in years... can't wait !
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