The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[AJ]

Here's another side to the weight loss comments. It is my own silly quirk and I don't think this is why you aren't receiving compliments.

I have watched lots of people lose weight, experience lots of positive comments about their size. Then if they regain it, they feel worse than ever about themselves. They feel that the quality of who they are is greatly diminished. I know I have experienced that myself. I have anguished over family gatherings because of my size.

As a mental health counselor, I struggle. Do I want to feed into society's focus that our exterior represents the value of an individual? So, sometimes I hesitate saying anything about the exterior and focus on another compliment about the person's qualities.

When my 10 yo daughter was a preschooler, she had beautiful blonde curly locks and engaging smile. (She still is adorable.) Anyway, she would get many compliments about how cute she was. I had a few people trying to push me having her become a child model. While I didn't want to diminish her beauty, I also wanted to avoid her becoming obsessed with her physical qualities. (That could be gone in an instant with a tragic accident.) So when we would see other children, I would point out "their cutness." Even while a child had a disablity. So, she learned over the years that beauty is more than on the surface.

I hope this makes sense. Don't get me wrong. I love hearing compliments about my weight loss. I hope to hear some in a couple weeks when I get together for a family reunion. But I am also striving to stregthen my inner worth too.

Forgive the length, but I want to add a story. A couple years ago, I was feeling pretty low about my looks and body. (My younger sister had lost weight and was looking great! And yes, I did compliment her on it though I also tried to help focus her on the inner strength I saw in her, too.) We had an open house for my parents' 40th anniversary, and a woman, who I had never met came up to me, and complimented me on my beauty. (I truly am nothing fancy.) I was shocked and looked around for my sister to see if that was who she meant.

I learned that our inner qualities radiate to our outer looks. I want to build a healther, stronger body but also appreicate who I am now. It is a continuous struggle but that woman's sincere kindness meant the world to me.

Thanks for listening, AJ

[Jeanette]

AJ:

Thanks for the great post. You are right--beauty is from the inside out! I've seen some gorgeous looking people have the ugliest personalities! On the other hand, I have seen average looking people absolutely shine because of the inner beauty they posess.

I'll be the first to admit that I am losing weight for vanity reasons more than health reasons. However, I work hard to remember that no matter what the scale says, I am still beautiful within. And in the long run--that's all that counts anyway.

[Simmshe]

But I am also striving to stregthen my inner worth too.

Theme of my life AJ, I can so relate! Striving to lose weight to look good failed me for 15 years. It was motivation enough between ages 15-25, but a few years ago I realized that wanting to look good obviously wasn't going to bring me success with losing weight--I had to go deeper and broaden my focus. I now focus more on raising my self-esteem/building my self-worth than I do on how I look or am going to look. This change--not easy, of course--in focus has made a world of difference in my life mentally and physically.

You put a question mark where you wrote that you were a mental health counselor--why is this ? Have you thought that because you are a mental health counselor that you shouldn't have some issues yourself? Sorry if my interpretation is off--I don't like to make presumptions about what people say !

But, I'm only asking because I was going to go to grad school to get a Master's degree or Ph.D. in psychology right after I finished undergrad, but I talked myself out of it, and continued to do so for eight years, because I thought that all psychologists/counselors had to be "perfect" and have conquered their problems. But as one of my old psych professors told me, "Every therapist has a therapist." So, just because a person has some issues (like every other human!) it doesn't take away from their ability to help others. Just fully realized this last year and will most likely be beginning a graduate program in psychology in January.

I'm striving for the same thing you are:

I want to build a healther, stronger body but also appreicate who I am now.

Not easy, but we can and are doing it! Thanks for the great post AJ .

Sheryl

[AJ]

Sheryl,

The question mark was related more to my question. I definately know that I have struggles, or issues. Knowing my own struggles helps me deal more effectively with others.

Good luck with grad school! It is hard work but I also enjoyed that journey.

AJ

[Simmshe]

AJ,

I wish that, like you, I had realized that I have issues, along with everybody else in the world, several years ago, and that this didn't exclude me from being a therapist.

Thanks for the well wishes with grad school--I'm looking forward to the challenge! Are you a clinical or professional counselor? I'm leaning towards the professional track.

Thanks again,

Sheryl