The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[BerkshireGrl]

Good afternoon to all...

(This is not going to be a cheerful post... more of a angry venting at myself... don't want to bring anyone unwittingly down! I'm starting to think I really might have a real mental problem going on... harsh details follow.)

I have a confession to make: I have not been 100% on program my first week back on. I have been up and down all week due to my poor food choices on Mon/Tues/Fri/Sat night. 4 out of 7 days! I started at 219.2, and saw 216.4 on the scale on a couple days... but my pig-out nights threw off my potential real loss.

I am determined though. One way or another, I need to get this weight off in a HEALTHY way.

I have talked before about getting help - and maybe antidepressants/therapy for my actions - and I am going in to a doctor's appointment on this coming Tuesday. I am going to be totally honest with my doctor and see what she says. I'm sure she is going to be startled to hear about this, but I have been trying in vain to fix it all myself. To "get over it", you know? But I am beginning to think that my brain is just chemically disordered. There is still a part of me that thinks that's a wimping out, and victimized thinking - stupid I know!

I'm trying not to diagnose myself, I'm not a MD, and while my family has a history of depression and drinking, as far as I know, none took drugs to help... except alcohol, which of course does NOT help. I just was reading that alcohol actually changes brain chemistry to make a person MORE depressed; I had no clue. I knew it was a sedative, but I thought it just mellowed people out.

I cannot go on like this. I feel like in the past 2 years, I have aged 20 years, between the arthritis, my weight, my general overall look of exhaustion.

Now I have been blessed enough to have my finances totally fixed - and I need to get SERIOUS!

Monday night I threw up to "erase" the weight gain from my guilty binge... Tuesday night I actually became furious at myself for continuing to overeat, and threw up in bitter frustration... but Friday and Saturday night, I went and overate again, throwing up again Friday night after eating way too much food.

I don't know how many times it takes to binge/purge to qualify as "bulimic" but I think I might be getting there.... or be there. I'm sure my doctor will have some serious diagnoses for me on Tuesday. I've read bulimics should not be on very restrictive diets because it leads to more binge eating and purging. Maybe MF qualifies. (I'm NOT blaming MF for my problems. I did this way before I went on MF too.)

So... I'm not sure what my path is going to be... but I know I need to get off this self-destructive roller coaster before I do some real damage to my body.

In the middle of "purging" Friday night, I noticed sounds became fainter and fainter, and my heart was pounding... and I wondered if I was going to have a heart attack and die in my bathroom... what insanity... I'm sure my blood pressure was way too high... I definitely do not want to go out like that, how sad and embarassing. My family would be terribly hurt and for what? What a waste that would be.

Saturday night I overate, but not as badly, throwing away half of the food, forcing myself to keep it down as the previous night's scare worried me.

I don't know who else on this board has been this bad, or worse, but I feel like I am hiding this gigantic secret from those that know me. I mentioned to my mother last week, when we were discussing my upcoming doctor's appointment, that I had eaten so much before that I threw up, and she was shocked. "How many times?" she asked. "Oh, like twice a month before..." I replied, like it was a long-forgotten problem... when in reality I had done it Monday, Tuesday and Friday night that week.

To be honest, I am really looking forward to going to my doctor and confessing all of this. (I made the appointment under the guise of needing an annual gyn exam because I was too embarassed to tell the desk staff that I was depressed.) I want it out so I can be helped. I don't want my family, friends, or coworkers to know, but I do want my doctor to... I don't want to worry people I love, but I have given up on solving it alone.

Despite my best efforts, I keep returning to this and I've reached a stage where I know I need to give myself over to professionals for caretaking. I never thought I'd get to this point because I see myself as such a stoic person, but... I think if I don't get help, it will kill me. Sometime in my future, I'm going to mess up my electrolyte balance too much and have a heart attack, or rupture my throat, or who knows what, but it won't be good.

If there is anyone reading this who does the same thing, I urge you to get help. Talk to your doctor... and do what they recommend. This really is no way to live.

[Lisa in NY]

BerkshireGrl,

I've never been bulimic or had that particular problem, but I HAVE been through depression and I know alot about that.

First thing you should know is YOU ARE NOT ALONE - believe me, I know this for a fact. Sometimes just knowing that there are many, many, many others suffering the same way, can make a huge difference. One of the worst things about depression or any mental disorder is that feeling of being alone in this.

Second thing is THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP, WHETHER IT'S TALK THERAPY OR MEDICATION !!!!

So....the fact that you are aware of your problem and will be seeing your doctor means you are actually HALFWAY to getting better. Stick to your guns and be HONEST with your doctor. There's NO reason for you to suffer this way. Things will get better and the sun WILL shine for you again!

Lisa

[MissyK]

Hi Berkshiregirl,

First off, I want to say I feel your pain. I've struggled with eating disorders all my life.
I just recently took myself off paxil (antidepressant), because I read that it caused weight gain.
And I just thought, "well if I'm depressed because of my weight, then what effects would weight gain have on my psyche?"

I binged yesterday. But I didn't throw up. My family seems to induce these binges.
Everytime they talk to me, invite me to a family dinner, I get pissed off and start stuffing myself.
It's odd. I don't see the link as I'm reading my own post, but it's what I do.

I think you should see a doctor. I saw a doctor. But I didn't like how she handled it.
she made my situation seem worse than it really was. I just listened to her opinions, and ended it there.
She suggested support groups, more antidepressants and distancing myself from my family.

The only one I listened to was the last.

I've taken on a heavy workload to distract myself. This has worked for me in the past.

I'm not a doctor, or even a student of medicine. And I know better than to tell you to "stop throwing up". It's not that easy.

I'm just letting you know that you're not alone out there.

I'm also a firm believer that in the end, things just seem to work out. It may take a while, but they do.

[dlr2424]

Sarah..... .....you did the right thing in getting help..... ...don't ever feel ashamed or less of a person for doing so................state the truth and the truth will set you free...... .....I have in the past been in your shoes... .....not a fun place...........and I do agree that there are times our brains are chemically inbalanced...........if you need treatment...so be it..........your a stronger person for admitting it....and no one needs to know....... .....my many prayers for your recovery of this torturous challenge......... it will not get the best of you..... ....YOU WILL CONQUER IT

Donna...dlr2424

[joysea]

Dearest Sarah~
Gosh, I think Donna said it best....

I have grown so fond of you...I have celebrated your financial success, I mourn the effects of your illness...and I pray for your recovery. I think I speak for our Medifast family that we CARE about you and want only the best for you. You know we all have skeletons in the closet...you chose to reveal yours...and I applaud you for it...Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Your health is of utmost importance!

Your Friend,
Joyce

[TamiL]

Sarah..my Massachusetts buddy fellow shaker......

It took alot of courage to come on here and type that all out. I truly beleive that GOD BLESSED ME in a way....he knew I would struggle with eating and my weight my whole life...and I CANNOT make myself throw up..no matter what I do...I even became so desperate one night after a HUGE BINGE that I took syrup of IPECAC..to make myself puke....we have all done CRAZY THINGS because of our eating addictions and messed up minds due to our weight.....but you came here...and you confessed it...and that my friend is reaching out for help.

that is the first step. Get to a doctor...seek help...its the first step in getting better. I am seeing a great phyc. and I love her to death...it helps to reach out for guidance...professional when you need it...no shame in that!! but please get some help..bulimia can destroy so much in your bodily functions...its a disease that will only harm you more than eating would...its hard I know....I have struggled with weight as you know my whole life....and still am...its something that we will always battle...but all you can do my friend is seek help and come here for support...cuz we ALL GOT YOUR BACK MY DEAR!!!

I used to be on antidepressants....and had to come off them cuz my memory was getting so bad....plus with my job...I felt uneasy at times and dizzy..and I couldnt have that!! I found that walking every day helped me...its a natural endorphin that realases in your body...balances your levels out...a natural "feel good" I dont know if your excercising...but that could be something to consider as well...and if you are and your still feeling this way...go get help....with your HEAD UP. there are millions of people who suffer from so many things..we all have our issues..the important thing is to get help for them. We are only HUMAN..we can only endure so much at a time...and sometimes we need to call in the professionals to get us back on our feet.

U hang in there....we are all here for you...
Tami

[Nancy]

Dear Dear Berkshire Sarah ~

Oh, how I wish I could visit with you and hold you on my lap! I appreciate your honesty – it is not easy for any of us to reveal our inner most beings publicly and yet our MakeMeThinner forum family truly does care about you. You have done the right thing to make an appointment and to seek help. Doctors are often rushed so if possible may I suggest that you write down some of the most pressing things that you wish to discuss with her. I pray that your doctor will make the time to listen to you and to discern your needs.

There are times in our lives when we need professionally trained people to help us out – when our car isn’t firing on all cylinders and needs a tune up, we go to the mechanic; when our roof leaks, we call a roof specialist and there is no stigma for doing so – same when our heart or our mind needs a tune up – we call on a specialist. Some times we need more than a packet of Medifast and a shaker jar to get us going. As a Health Advisor and woman of faith, I want people to reach optimal health – body, mind, and soul. Trusting you to the experts and holding you close in our prayers and thoughts

[mytime]

Sarah - thank you for your heart felt honesty. Addiction comes in so many forms and there is much research to support that depression is genetic. Speaking to your doctor is the very best thing. Please know too that finding the right medication can take some time. There are antidepressants that are better at treating the binge purge then others. Your GP is a great place to start but I would really recommend asking her for a referral to a psychiatrist as this can be so helpful in terms of getting the best antidepressant early.

I am so impressed by your strength and courage. Asking for help is often the hardest part. I am praying for you and will be thinking of you. Please keep posting regardless of whether you need to take a break from MF for the moment. You need the support and we want to give it. Take care friend and best of luck with the MD. Mytime

[Sablebaby]

Sarah~

Good luck at the doctors this week. That is a great first step. Bulemia was the hardest of my eating disorders to stop. I did that for a few months after gaining back a lot of weight that I had lost. That was the lowest time of my life regarding food.

I took a rational look at what I was doing and had enough strength to stop. Bulemia for me did not make me lose weight. Of course the purging did make me feel immediately better but then I'd feel worse later on. So I thought if what I was doing was not even making me lose weight then why am I doing it? Because that was the reason of doing it in the beginning. Then it turned into a real addiction and I couldn't stop. But somehow I did stop. Now I look back and I truly feel that is one thing I will never do. It was a very disgusting time of my life and I never want to do that again.

I hope you can get the help you need. Please pull together every bit of strength and kick this before it consumes you. We are here for you!

[Slimsoon]

Sarah,
Hugs, The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. You just did that ! We know this took courage . I hope the Dr can help you or recommend a Program or Dr that specializes in eating disorders. Please keep us informed .We support you . Prayers and good Health to you.

[Mommy2girls]

Sarah,

I have been away from the forum for about 2 weeks and I'm just now catching up over here. I am SO happy that you are seeking medical help. I think you are doing the right thing and I hope that you find the help that you need to move on in your life. It is extremely hard to come here and admit that you have a problem, but I think it is even harder to ask for professional medical help, and that is what you are doing and I think you are a strong woman for doing it. I don't know anything about eating disorders (except for eating too much of the wrong kind of food ) but I do know they are hard to overcome, but that you can eventally do this. We are here to support you and lift you up and pray that you can recover from this.



P.S. - Congratulations about the $$, that must have been a nice surprise.

[BerkshireGrl]

Good morning everyone!

I wanted to give you a little update so nobody worries I had my check-up appt. on last Tuesday with my FNP Kathy, and she was great... and very concerned. She told me "You're an alcoholic... you know that, right?" I said "I was afraid so. Yes, I guess I am." What a thing to have to hear said to you by a medical professional... serious is an understatement, you know?

She worked hard to get me an interview at a place called the Primary Outreach Center, and that is in the works, should happen next week. After that goes through, I should be on a roll for therapy, probably an antidepressant prescription, maybe more. It seems like a long wait, but they focus on the suicidal/dangerous patients first, which I get... and I'm willing to take my turn.

Kathy suggested I might be bipolar, which I politely scoffed at because I was under the impression that was a very serious problem, and people who had it went from ectasy to deep sadness in days. But apparently you can be bipolar and never have a "manic" high episode. Hmmm. I have made some so-called rash decisions in the past ten years, like thinking of joining the Army, becoming a massage therapist, a vet, a lawyer, a religious scholar, a Buddhist student, an art teacher... and I moved across the country a few times (Massachusetts to Michigan to Texas to Maryland to Massachusetts again)... Well, could be something to this Hehehe...

They did blood tests and an EKG, and I am ok, except for a slightly elevated liver function, most likely from, uh, the alcohol. So at least I don't have to panic that I have totally screwed up my body's chemical balance... but now is the time to stop all of that before I did. You can't do what I was doing for long before it messes you up.

It's funny but after my visit with Kathy, which I was very nervous about... never having confessed to any kind of mental problems/drinking/eating disorder... My blood pressure was 150/90, instead of my usual 110/80, yikes... I have felt quite a bit better! My last drinks were 2 hard ciders on Wednesday, and I have not felt the need for more. (I also have not binged.) I had my sister and brother-in-law bring home with them the unopened wine they bought Friday night because I did not want it in my kitchen, sitting on my table.

I am wary of that sticking though, and asked Kathy to prescribe Antabuse, but after calling around doing research, she wants to wait and see what my other appt. goes like. This Center told her there were "much better" (less crude) drugs now. Antabuse is a scary drug... pretty much it puts the fear of God into drinkers. If any alcohol (the tiniest bit!) is drunk, or even put on the skin in the form of lotion/perfumes/etc., severely painful results occur, because it stops the body's ability to process alcohol. If someone really went overboard, the two can combine to even kill. (My grandfather used it a long time ago to help kick his very severe drinking.)

Right now, I am eating 'normally' and am not on Medifast. I still have a lot of it left though, and I will wait and see what advice I get as far as diet goes before I proceed.

I also have the contact info for AA, and have written down their meeting times, so I can go there in case I am feeling weak. My doctor cautioned me AA does not work as well for women, and that it might take a few trips to find the "right" group, but I like the idea of what they do. I am planning on using them as a helping support... I can use all I can get I think!

Some good news too: yesterday, my sister, brother-in-law and I went to the Berkshire Humane Society and picked out a tiny 5-month-old kitten for me! WHEE! I pick her, Sabrina, up today around 3 pm. She is all of 4 pounds, with shiny fur like a mink and gold eyes... very friendly, calm, and loves scratching posts! My landlord finally caved after 4 years and let me get one. Just one though I am very happy to have a cat again... living all by yourself in an apartment can get a bit lonely! Plus I really go with that saying that "A house is not a home without a cat!" (If you are a cat person, you can check her out at their web page, www dot berkshirehumane dot org, under the "Available Cats" link on the left!) A real cutey! I know, I know, I'm a sap.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday... I will pop in now and again to see how you all are doing!

[mytime]

Sarah - THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST !!!!!!! I could not be happier for you. What a new chapter in your life. I really must recommend AA - your MD is right however, in that not every meeting is for everyone. But there is tremendous support available - you are not alone in this. What courage you have shown ! You make me proud to be part of this site. Please keep us posted and know we are thinking of you. Mytime

[Nancy]

Sarah ~

Ditto! I am really thankful for what you shared with us - this is so positive and we pray that this is the beginning of a new way of life for you.

As I sit under Dr. Andersen's teachings coupled with the things I have learned during my own weight loss and weight management journey, I find that I value my life and my relationships more than ever before. Dr. Andersen talks about how the trilogy of health - having a healthy body, a healthy mind and healthy finances - these things make our relationships with others stronger and also improve our own sense of well-being and self-worth. I must also include the importance of having a healthy soul - we are spiritual beings as well as physical beings. Take Shape For Life Program first gets our body healthy and as we begin to eliminate the junk from our system, to stabilize our blood glucose and our eating habits, we begin to change our mental outlook - my thoughts about myself have changed radically. Terry, Unca and I spend our time and our money doing things for others and not on destructive habits, deadly sugars and mindless activity.

I understand your need right now to perhaps temporarily set aside your weight loss program while you focus on getting healthy and dealing with the alcohol issue and the chemical imbalance but we do know that eating healthy is a component in your recovery, too. We wait for your restoration and we stand bedside you in your resolve to get our Berkshire Girl healthy in her mind, body, and soul!

We love ya, Little Darlin’ and admire you for your spunk!

[24KaratGold]

I also have the contact info for AA, and have written down their meeting times, so I can go there in case I am feeling weak. My doctor cautioned me AA does not work as well for women, and that it might take a few trips to find the "right" group, but I like the idea of what they do. I am planning on using them as a helping support... I can use all I can get I think!

Hie thee to AA, hon, and keep looking until you find the right group. I know many women for whom it has worked, and can put you in touch with two online who will welcome you with open arms and give you all sorts of advice/info/support. They've been there, done that, and are now sober (for years!) and good people who "pass it on." This is a tool that works, and don't let anyone discourage you by "it doesn't work as well for women." Um, there are hundreds of thousands or millions of women for whom it HAS worked. You need something more than Antabuse, which can be worked around. You need the support.

Good luck, and God bless.