The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[katesmom]

Hello !

Please come back !

[cindyjones008]

Nine months later and about fifty pounds heavier...

I am facing the emotional side of weight loss as I prepare to re-start MF again. This time I am looking at my barriers and I feel it is emotional. When I picture myself thin again, I become scared. I feel threatenen and unsafe. With the extra fat, I feel that I am hiding in here, it creates a bit of safety. It is easier to push people away.

Nobody protected me as a child when I was being repeatedly sexually molested and severely physically abused by my dad and had a raging alcoholic mother--nobody protected me, I was never safe, I was also scared for my life. I get fat as a kid. Then, as adult, I temporarily loose weight on Atkins and I start to have a lot of fun. I dated some, did a lot of fun activites with some new friends. But eventually I gained all the weight back and then some. A while later, I did MF (my doctor recommended it) and lost weight. I keep the weight off for several years. I felt good about myself. I got a boyfriend, not the healthiest relationship, but it was progress compated to the past relationships I was in. I seem to pick guys that were physically abusive, cheated on me, and used me to support them (even though I myself was struggling as a full-time collegestudent). My ex and I break up, I can't get over him, I meet this guy who is totally hot--a personal trainer--and he's interested in me! A personal trainer guy is interested in me, wow, what a difference as opposed to all the kids in school who used to tease me, call me wide load, etc. Here's a totally hot guy interested in me. So what do I do? After one month of dating and totally hot sex, I let him move in with me. And shortly after, it started. It started with him telling me how to dress, then trying to get me to not spend so much time with my family, and then a shove here, a shove there. After one month of this, I discovered I was pregnant. I told him about the pregnancy and he got excited that we were going to have a family (he already had a kid that would flake on 50% of his visits).

This was a major turning point in my life. It was okay for a man to physically abuse me, but I was not going to be like my mom, I was not going to let him hit me in front of my child and I was not going to risk him being physically abusive to my kid. Because of being pregnant, I knew I had to get out so that I could protect my baby. I told him he had one month to get out and I broke up with him. He tried to get me to take him back, but it was not going to work. Then he said he did not think I was pregnant, and I did not argue with him about that because I did not want him having unsupervised visits with the baby, and as the father, he would be legally entitled to visitation. One night I told him there was only two weeks left before he needed to leave and I wanted to remind him that I am serious about him needing to move out (shortly after he moved in he quit his job and did not pay rent, food, bills, etc.). We started arguing, he shoved me into the bedroom and told me I could not leave. I was so scared. I was scared because he shoved me while I was pregnant so as a new mom, I had to keep my unborn baby safe. I tried to sneak out of the front door. As soon as I was almost out of the door, he grabbed me and covered my mouth and throat, I could not breathe, I was scared, I thought I might die. He let go of me and I gasped for air. He threw me to the ground, closed the door, and got on top of me and covered my mouth and nose again. I quit fighing him and just gave in as a defensive move. He took his hands off my face, I gasped for air. He told me that if I scream or call the cops on him, he would come back and kill me and a member of my family, and he was not going to tell me which family member he was going to kill. I went in the bedroom and the next day while I was at my internship, I called him and told him he had to be out by the end of the day otherwise I could call the cops. He left. He called me a few times afterwards saying he loved and missed me and wanted me back but four months later he married another woman that I am sure he was abusing.

During my pregnancy, I ate all the junk food I wanted and I gained back all the weight I had lost years before on MF, and then some. Since then, I have gone up and down about fifty pounds, started MF, but then once I was actually making some progress, I would blow it.

I am learning not to be hard on myself. Considering everything I've through, I am doing okay.

Being a single mom from basically my first month or so of pregnancy, and this was during my first month of grad school. I still stayed in school and worker part-time, while alone and pregnant. I do have percerverance and determination!

I do struggle with being a parent though. My son just turned 3. I feel like after working all day, picking him up from preschool/childcare, coming home and tending to him, I am exhausted, I have nothing left over for me. I love my son and I am glad he is here, however, I struggle sometimes with being a mom. I get frusterated when I try to talk to people about my challenges and they tell me how lucky I am to have such a beautiful little boy. It makes my struggles not fee validated. It is hard, say for example, to be woken up at 5am on the weekend, and to have to feed him and play with him, while all I want to do is climb back in bed and get some sleep. Most of my day is about meeting his needs. I feel I need to relax but I can't cause he is so young he needs me. I do get some relief and my family takes him a lot for me, and I am very grateful for those times, but still, I still feel like being a mother is sucking the life out of me.

Furthermore, being over-weight I feel is limiting my child's life. I don't feel I go out on walks with him as often as I should, or to the park as often as I should.

But then when I think of myself as a thin person again, I get scared. I am not sure exactly what I am scared of, but it makes feel I will not be safe. I feel that given all of recent life experiences, I will not let somebody in that will hurt me, but at the same time, I feel that being thinner, more people are going to want to get close to me and I am going to have to fight some of them off because some of them might be bad people because there are bad people out there.

I hope that by writing about these issues, I can start to heal. It is a step in moving forward and not being stuck in the problem. I am still not ready to start MF yet, but that is my goal and I am going to keep on working myself so I could reach my goal.

[sidrah]

Well, welcome back. I remember reading your posts years/months back. I have no kids, but I teach all day and I certainly understand you doing what is best for yourself and your child at the same time. Have no doubt it will not be smooth sailing all the way, whatever is?? But, you definitely have help if you need it. Sometimes just the chance to vent helps a whole lot.


Go back and read some old things you wrote. I did that and I realized that a lot of the goals were the same, but now I am in a different place and need to work them into my life now.

You are completely worth this and it is great you are taking the time for yourself and working on you!

Write/read/comment away of it helps. Glad to see you back!!

[nickieluv]

As a Mom of two girls (toddler and infant) I can relate at least to the part of your post about your days being all about your son. Children are wonderful but they do make it hard to get anything done, or get any alone time - and I can't imagine trying to do it as a single parent.

I'm glad you have a supportive family that can help you get some much needed rest. MF is not going anywhere, so you can be sure it (and we) will be here when you are ready to start the program. Just take it one day at a time and you will know when it's right to begin.

Have a good week - good luck with all you have to deal with!

[Karli]

Hey Cindy ! Welcome back. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you are getting these things sorted out, and in the meantime, I hope you are rockin' your time back on MF.

Have a great day !

[cindyjones008]

I am planning on starting MF tomorrow. I am scared I am going to fail. I am scared I will succeed. So to help me work through these feelings, I am going to try to process them.

Being scared to fail: what would it look like if I fail? It would mean I would stay fat, and continue to live an isolating life, wishing I was thin and more active. I would hide my head in shame when purchasing food thinking that people are looking at me thinking to themselves, 'does she really need to eat that, look at her, she's so fat, why doesn't she do something about it.'

Being scared to succeed: If I were to be successful I would lead a much more active lifestyle, I would be happier about myself, more confident. But it also means people might want to get close to me and that scares me. I don't want to let anybody in.

My current goal: to accept myself excatly as I am right now. to belive in myself and my ability to handle anything that comes my way, even more attention when I start to lose weight.

I am going to be successful on MF. I am going to stick with it and my goal is 100% compliance for 60 days. Then after 60 days I will set another goal. I am confident I will do 60 days of compliance.

When I was successful in the past, I was having to go in and see my doctor once per week. That accountability really help. This time around, I don't have that accountability. So for now my accountability is going to be writing in my journal a few nights per week to log my success!

[Karli]

Hi Cindy, processing this stuff obviously sounds like a pretty smart thing to be doing ! I take it you are seeing a therapist as well ? Hope your MF day today goes well, feel free to check in here and let us know how it's going for you . Cheers !

[cindyjones008]

My MF day is going well. This morning I had accupuncture. I am fortunate to live close to an accupuncture school, so they offer sessions for only $20.00 so the interns work on you. The accupuncture will help with the cravings while I detox.

I wonder if anybody else goes through the emotional part of giving up junk food/over-eating?

[Karli]

I wonder if anybody else goes through the emotional part of giving up junk food/over-eating?

Well, yes, certainly !! However, *only* when we are actually giving it up, otherwise we are too engrossed within it to really deal with the issues.

[Stihl]

Hey Cindy - yes, i think most people do go through that.

For me, the fear of failure is more along the lines of - I know that I'm not this person. This person is lethargic and isolated, and I know that I am not. But if I try and fail, that would mean that I am this lethargic, isolated person who cannot commit enough to something to make it work. So if I fail, I fear that my whole view of what my "true" self is will change to something I do not like.

I don't really fear success in the way that you fear it - I'm okay with letting people get close, and have let some get close even during my fat days. What I'm more afraid of during the success is that when I get there, I won't be the person I've always dreamed I was - I won't be as social, as suave, as confident, as relaxed, as successful, etc. With the fat there's always something to blame for not being the person I want, and something easy to blame - the fat! But without it, if I turn out to not be the kind of person I want, then its something else and something intrinsic.

Yet when I weigh these things, and these fears, new ones come about; if I don't succeed, I'll never get to know if my fear of success is real. I'll not be able to do the things I want to do. I'll die sooner.

It is a daily struggle, and even taking 15 min at the beginning of the day to reaffirm your commitment can go a long way. I hope that this restart for you will stick and that you will pull through!

[Karli]

Wow, super helpful post, Stihl ! I just have to interject with a thank you .

[cindyjones008]

Stihl, that was a good post, thanks.

I relate especially to the part about blaming the fat.

Today is day 2 and it is another successful day! There were a couple times at work in which I wanted to say "screw it" and just eat, but I didn't. I have to say I came soooo close. I tried to tell myself that hey, I am just starting MF, it is okay to give myself a break and eat something off plan, aferall, I need time to adjust. then I reminded myself that I have said this before in the past and it is total crap! It is just a way for me to be manipulative with myself to justify going off plan. I am happy to say that the feeling of wanting to go off plan did eventually go away and I feel good right now.

I am 100% confident I am going to lose the weight this time. What's different this time around? I am beliving what I am saying and I am meaning what I say. If a negative thought comes in my head, I change it with a positive thought. I also have desire. Desire is huge! I have desire to live the life I onced lived as a thin person, desire to be happier and feel more free.

[cindyjones008]

well I was doing good until it was time to feed my kid, and then I wanted to eat some of his mac and cheese. I have to say I am proud of myself that I did not eat any. Instead, I walked away and checked my emails as a distraction and the craving went away.

[cindyjones008]

I feel good on day 3! I am proud of myself. I am on my way to being thin and healthy, on my way to being the true me I am meant to be. I will be a size 6. I will stay on track. I am doing this, I am successful. I am so happy. I am on the path and it feels good. I am also in more acceptance of myself just as I am. I don't want to accept myself once I lose the weight, I want to accept myself as I am right now. My affirmation from Louise Hay: I claim My own power, and I lovingly create my own reality.

[Stihl]

Great job Cindy and great mindset! Keep winning!!