The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Carrie]

Well, the journals are a new thing (obviously been awhile since I’ve been here). I’m not sure if they’re private or not, so I’ll forewarn everybody and let you know that I intend to post to mine as if it were – so watch out! LOL

I seem to be the oldest-timer around here – I haven’t seen anyone yet from my old group of 3 years ago. Hopefully there’s no ‘expiration date’ on my membership here, LOL.

Yes, 3 years ago. I started Medifast for the first time 3/1/04. I lost over 70 pounds and as I sit here now, I have kept off about half of it. I started again yesterday.

I’m back because I’ve been horsing around for the last year or so talking about losing weight, but not doing much about it. For a long while it was just such a relief to have lost some of the weight that I was just out living it up. But it’s crept back on over time and I find myself once again in that negative place that sucks all the life right out of you. So, it’s time to do something about it.

It's not even really weight loss that STARTED this most recent inner journey - it was other areas of my life in which I feel as though I ahhhhhh, let myself down or don't have healthy expectations or just seem consistently disappointed. trying to come to grips with why those things are a pattern in my life has led me straight back here - to the weight. It seems to always lead back to that.

I find that this issue in my life is related to much more than my weight – I think the roots of this issue resound throughout my life – and come from the way I think, those old thought patterns that have worn a groove in my brain. Somewhere along the line I learned to medicate my anxiety by eating. And somewhere along the line I learned to choose a behavior that is harmful to myself – and somewhere along the line that became ok. And when I am practicing a habit that is self-destructive, it crosses all the boundaries of my life.

If I don’t care enough about myself to eat right and maintain a healthy weight and body, what else am I not honoring about myself? I have known for years that what I’ve been doing (overeating) is bad for me – and WHY has that continued to be ok with me? I’ve made countless choices, that while they calm me momentarily, they are destroying me in the long run. So, I’m telling myself what? I don’t care if I get heart disease? Don’t care if I get diabetes or trim 15 years off of my life? Or am I just simply saying “I don’t care.”

These messages I’m telling myself with my choices have got to change. My choices have got to reflect the fact that I DO care about myself, that I love myself enough to make responsible choices about my health and body. Until I start treating myself like I’m worth it, worth taking care of, I am simply not going to solve this problem.

And I don’t know how to make this change. I have decided once and for all to do something about it so many times that I am almost embarrassed to say it ‘out loud’, but I don’t think I have any other option but to keep on trying until I get it right. So here I am at the end of day 2 again, not sure how to get where I want to go, but determined to try. I’m just going to start thinking more about what my decisions MEAN about how I feel about myself. And living with the intention of making decisions that respect and care for my body. I’m sick to death of fighting with this same issue from 15 years ago. I intend to face it, deal with it and get on with my life.

[nickieluv]

Carrie;

You mentioned you were going to post as if this were private, so I wasn't sure if that meant you didn't want replies - but I just wanted to say that I can completely relate with everything you've written. For me, the weight was all about hating myself, and that's a much bigger thing to come to terms with than whether to have an apple or a cookie. I'm finally starting to get the idea, and am on 9 days of compliance, which is huge for me. Congratulations on keeping off half of your loss, and coming back to MF before it all came back to you. If you need any support or a sounding board, I and many others are here for you.

[Unca_Tim]

Hi Carrie,


Good to see you again. Memberships are lifetime here....

[bikipatra]

Glad you are back! Welcome!

[Serendipity]

Hi Carrie,

I think you'll like the journal threads. What makes them different is that they're all about YOU! It's nice to have a place to vent.

Oh yeah, and they're not private, but you won't get alot of off topic chatter.

[Carrie]

Hi Nickie, Biki and Serendipity!

Thank you for your support and words of encouragement.

I think the journal will be important for me - for one thing I was resistant to posting to it last night, and the other is that it gives me a place where I can 'talk' unedited, not worry about filtering everything for an audience, and just say whatever it is that's inside.....I don't very often do that.

So, here I go with day 3!

P.S. Hiya Unca!

[Carrie]

Day 3 here.

It’s been interesting at work today. I have the unfortunate circumstance of working for a place that has the worst employee problems I have ever seen. Actually that’s an understatement. I could never have dreamed up behavior as bad as is exhibited by a couple of my co-workers, coincidentally, I am supposed to be their supervisor. I had never really worked with someone that I couldn’t at least be cordial with – you don’t have to like everyone you work with, but you can at least be courteous. The kicker is that I can’t really do anything about them, because my boss is a pansy – which is why the bad behavior has escalated to this level in the first place.

An example of this is that one of them used to routine tell anyone who would listen that I’m an idiot and can’t do my job. We’ll call her Cindy – because that’s her name, LOL. One day I heard Cindy telling someone all I ever do is “sit on my fat ass eating cookies doing nothing.” This kind of thing came to a head one day and I actually yelled at her. Since then she isn’t as loudly vocal about her dislike of me – she’s taken it underground. Cindy also brags about what an astute Christian she is, has bible verses plastered all over her office, and yet tells people that when she’s in a bad mood she doesn’t care if she’s mean, people can just deal with it. This woman will not look at or speak to me. Charming huh? The only good thing I can say about this one is that she isn’t 2-faced about it – she hates me and let’s everybody know it….which leads me to the other one.

Sue will actually act like she likes someone, to get information, which she uses to ‘tell on’ her ‘friend’ about. (Yes, I use the juvenile language intentionally) I actually didn’t have much to do with her, but I was diagnosed in the summer of ’05 with very high blood pressure and fibroid tumors that were large enough to need to be removed ASAP. I’d never really had ANY health problems, my blood pressure was always ridiculously normal, and I was scared to death of surgery. I guess in my fear and weakened mental state, I wasn’t savvy enough to pick up what she was doing to me. She would come in and act all concerned, ask me about my Dr’s visits, etc. While behind my back she was complaining to my boss and the HR Director, about my numerous office visits, and time I was missing from work. Finally, the HR Director took pity on me and told me. So – you can guess that since then I haven’t had much of anything to do with her other than being courteous.

Something shifted about 5 months ago – she went from being moderately pleasant to me to HATING me. Won’t speak to me (which is in a way a relief). Last week she was walking down the hall behind me and one of my coworkers actually told me that she was making faces at me…..

Anyway today Sue made a pot of soup for lunch and proceeded to walk down the hall stopping in everyone’s office to invite them to have some – and of course expressly skipped over me.

Now, I can tell you that a part of me is mature enough to realize that I’m just working with a couple of rude, immature, miserable bleeping women. It really isn’t a reflection on me that someone else can act so inappropriately. Really, it has nothing to do with me at all – and this can be evidenced by observing their behavior – it’s a pattern too blatant to be missed.

(and now I have trouble being completely honest) So – why – why is there a part of me that got my feelings hurt by her snub? Why on earth would I care what someone like that thinks of me? For an instant it felt just like being in grade school and being the one of 2-3 kids in the whole class that didn’t get invited to the popular girls birthday party. The only difference is that I imagine I’ll be over this in a little while when the party thing upset me for WEEKS as a kid.

…….so what do I do about it? <shrug> I seem to be good at saying what my problems are, but not so good at figuring out how to fix them.

The light at the end of my tunnel is that I’ve gone back to school and am laying the groundwork to leave here and be able to get a much higher paying job.

[bikipatra]

I was at a job I just quit a few months ago where my boss was actually verbally and psychologically abusive besides being downright CRAZY and a pathological liar. I am so glad to be out of there and I wish you luck in building the foundation to leave your job as well.

[Carrie]

Thanks Bik, I'm working on it. In the meantime, if you hear one of those 'going postal' at work stories coming from Florida and I suddenly disappear from the forum - you'll know what happened, LOL!

[Carrie]

My oldest girlfriend called me today – we’ve been friends since the 4th grade. She wants to come visit me next month. It doesn’t sound like things are going too well in her life. Her 10-year anniversary is approaching and when she broached the subject of taking a vacation with her husband, her looked at her and said “I can’t imagine you want to get away with me anymore than I want to get away with you.”

Obviously not a happy marriage. She has talked to me about it over the years, and I’ve never really had any help of any substance to give her. I can’t tell her to go or stay – I’m pretty sure leaving isn’t an option financially – they have three kids. It makes me very sad to think of my friend living this unfulfilled, unhappy existence. She and her husband just don’t seem compatible at all, and I cannot imagine living daily with someone when you both are wishing the other person wasn’t there.

She visited me about 4 years ago – in the hopes that taking a break would help – and when we got up Saturday morning, she said expectantly, “Ok, what do you do on Saturdays?” when I replied, “Whatever I want.” I thought by the look on her face that she might be ready to strangle me. Her life is soccer games, car pools, slumber parties, etc.

It makes me think how much time we spend wishing our life was something other than it is. My married friends are jealous of my single life and I sit around wishing I were in a relationship. And of course I wish I were thin.

Exactly how different is her unhappy relationship with her husband different from my unhappy relationship with myself? I argue with myself all the time (should I do this or that?), I say nasty things to myself (you’re so fat you’re a disaster), and I let myself down a LOT (how many failed diets have I had?). Exactly whose side am I on anyway??????

The only relationship I really need to worry about right now is the one I have with myself. Which I suppose, looking on the bright side, is a blessing. I’m not sure that this whole weight thing is about anything other than how I treat myself. How can I say I love myself when I have taken such poor, even abusive, care of my body? Maybe I didn’t know any better then, but I do now, so it’s up to me to step up to the plate, and prove that I think I’m worth taking care of.

I don’t want to spend any more of my life wishing it away and not even treating myself as well as I would a friend. I’ve given up my 20’s and the majority of my 30’s thinking I was some sort of second class citizen, not quite good enough or deserving, and subconsciously waiting for someone to come rescue me and make it all better. Well, how stupid is that? It seems terribly obvious now, but somehow the fallacy of that has never really occurred to me before. Ain’t nobody gonna change any of it but me.

[Carrie]

Working my way through today. It's a little tougher today because I haven't had the structure of the office. I'm sitting here trying to watch a movie and not think about food.

I'm so used to eating something as a knee jerk reaction to so many things: anger, anxiety, tiredness and boredom to name a few. I'm gonna tough it out.

[Karli]

Hi, Carrie . Just read your posts and I wanted to say welcome, glad to have you here !!

You know, you have some tough things to face. I have to say I am flabergasted at the behavior of your co-workers that you have described. There is somebody in my field of work and somewhat in my life who is pretty rude to me most of the time. I really have no idea why, and I guess that's what tends to bum me out about it. Luckily we don't have to see each other very often.

I talk myself through a lot of the very same things. Why do I care about somebody's opinion of me when they are not even a decent person (by my own standards) ? I don't know. I guess because, generally, though I feel the need to stick up for myself in life, I also want to be friends with everybody, or at least have a cordial acquaintence, as you describe.

Anyway, I think you are on a fabulous journey and that you have a lot of wonderful discovery ahead of you. You are really brave to do this, and I really think you will be successful. And, I KNOW you can tough it out today !!

Cheers to you,
Karli

[bikipatra]

Working my way through today. It's a little tougher today because I haven't had the structure of the office. I'm sitting here trying to watch a movie and not think about food.

I'm so used to eating something as a knee jerk reaction to so many things: anger, anxiety, tiredness and boredom to name a few. I'm gonna tough it out.

I get bored on weekends too. I am a housewife but my weekdays have more structure because of daytime TV. I am not kidding, as pathetic as that sounds. The programmming on Saturdays just sucks. I found myself watching a Mama's Family marathon and fell asleep. I woke up and thought it was morning but it was just in time for my last supplement.

[nickieluv]

Hi again Carrie;

Wow, you had some heavy posts lately. I can't relate with the extent of your workplace issues but I think we all know someone who never grew up. It sounds like those two women are just stuck in grade school and never learned any social skills. I wish you luck in getting away from them - it's wonderful to love your job. I came from a job with a pretty blunt and inappropriate boss and this year I'm in a new one, family-friendly, great boss, and I almost don't mind getting up in the morning and leaving my baby. I wish that kind of thing for you.

Now, I can really relate to 'I hate myself' talk. I know that you hear all the time that if you're overweight it's because you don't care enough to take care of yourself. To be honest, I thought that was all hooey, and I was only fat because I liked food. In the past month I've done a lot of reading, and thinking, and counseling, and realized that it's true after all - I don't/didn't love myself. And because I knew I was worthless, anyone who thought I was a good person was obviously deluded and once they got wise to me, they'd be gone. I truly believe that the key in these last two weeks of compliance has been giving myself permission to change.

It helps me to believe that losing weight does not equal losing myself. I will be a better self, though physically smaller. Those who love me will still be here for me, those who don't will probably still ignore me, etc. Like those girls at work - they just have decided to be stupid to you, and (not that you care about them) when you reach goal, nothing will change. It's not that you shouldn't care about other people, but you shouldn't care about others above yourself every moment of the day. Some things you have to do for you, because you love yourself, and you're worth it.

OK, now that I sound like a hair-color commercial I'm going to stop babbling and go. Sorry if none of this made sense - I knew what I wanted to say but I'm not sure it came out right.

[alpha femme]

…….so what do I do about it? <shrug> I seem to be good at saying what my problems are, but not so good at figuring out how to fix them.

The light at the end of my tunnel is that I’ve gone back to school and am laying the groundwork to leave here and be able to get a much higher paying job.

you know, the write up is a wonderful thing. it documents as well as spanks. classifications could be insubordination, creating a hostile work environment, etc. if you want to stop people from walking all over you, sometime you have to lay down some road spikes. the write up is your fair notice of "severe tire damage." you could even call a general meeting and address the fact that you expec all employess to be respectful of each other and that inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated. that way, no one can say they were singled out for personal retribution.

frankly, carpets were made to be walked on; it's up to you to redefine the situation.