The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Triskets]

Hi Everyone -

I've finished my 4th week of MF with complete compliance to the program. I've gotten rid of 22 pounds. I'm really proud of myself and my best friend is really proud of me too.
I rarely whine and this is one of those times I need to blow some steam.
My husband (who is about 40 pounds overweight) doesn't give me encouragement. He never tells me he is proud of my success. He never tells me encouraging words unless I ask him for them. He doesn't praise me for the determination I've got to stay on the program. He's got to realize how difficult it is to drink 5 MF's a day and eat NOTHING! Day after day after day... And it is a tough diet.
My husband just isn't the praising type and I know that about him. I know not to take it personally but part of me still does. If he'd just acknowledge the fact that he is proud of me for sticking with such a tough diet I'd really be happy. I tell him what I'm not getting from him and what I need from him but he turns around and says he is encouraging. But that's only when I ask - I feel like a dog begging for a bone. So he's really not listening to what I'm saying to him.
No I'm not PMS'ing
No I'm not going off the MF plan
No I'm not going to divorce him - I just need some kudos - kudos just for me. Know what I'm talking about? We're all in the same boat there have to be other people out there going thru the same thing with their spouses/significant others?
Thanks everyone

[jene115]

First of all Triskets, kudos to you for losing 22 pounds!!! I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly what you're talking about. I went through the same exact thing with my (ex) husband. In fact, I was just talking about it today with a friend. It hurts when those closest to us don't acknowledge our successes. Even if it's not part of their character to be complimentary, that doesn't register with our emotions. As you know, it's impossible to change other people, we can only change how we react to them. If you've told him what you need, and he thinks he is encouraging, then there's really nothing you can do to change him.

I've only told 3 people I'm doing this program. Three people at work. I didn't even tell my best friend because she is a downer and I know that as I lose weight, she will be jealous. Our friendship is a strange one anyway.

I have one good friend who I know will be very supportive of me. We joined a gym together and I'm able to tell her everything. Maybe you just need to lean on your friends and the supportive people in this forum. Other than having a real heart to heart talk with your hubby and telling him how much this means to you and hoping he'll get it, there's not much that can be done if that's his personality. My ex-husband was the same way. I lost 51 pounds and he never said a word. I had to put on my fat jeans and show him how big they were and said "Look how much I've lost," before he would say a word. It stings. Just remember you are doing this for yourself. Maybe he will come around, but you are the one who is following the program and you have to do what makes you feel better. Find your support elsewhere if you need to because we all need it.

From someone who's been there. . .

[RavenKat2]

22 pounds in a month?!!! You GO girl!!!!!!!!

Kat

[raederle]

Hey Triskets-- 22 pounds in a month *is* an awesome accomplishment. (I know you know this, or I hope you do, but I wanted to say it anyway!) It s***s that your hubby isn't more proactively encouraging, and you're right, it sounds like there isn't much you can do about it. Your post made me wonder whether your husband, who could stand to lose a few himself from what you say, might be feeling a little left behind? I mean, maybe he's worrying that when you lose your unwanted flabbage and look oh-so-alluring, he'll be left out in the cold? Or maybe he's a bit sad that you guys don't (over)eat as a team anymore? I don't mean to make you suspicious or paint your hubby as a saboteur, but people close to us do seem to have funny ways of dealing with our weight loss successes-- maybe his way is to be quietly, passively supportive because he's worried you'll actually succeed, but knows he can't stand up and say, "Hey! Stay fat! It'd make me feel better!"

Lordie knows I'm no shrink, so take these as just silly musings out loud... But I hope you know you will *always* find a whole bunch of souls here who will shout out loud about your successes! Not *quite* as good as a perfect husband, I know-- but maybe after a while, once he begins to realize you're still you, and you still love him, and you're not going to run off with a young, 18-year-old tofu-eating stud when you reach goal weight, your hubby will be louder with his appreciation!

[Triskets]

Jen, Kat & Raederle -

Thanks for you comments.
Jen - It sounds like your lives are quite similar. I too have a very good friend who doesn't know I'm on this diet for the same reasons you mentioned. Yet I have another friend who is also overweight but very supportive and happy for me.
I talked to my hubby last night after I posted my original note. He still doesn't quite get it. But I think I got thru to him about what I need. He's the type who thinks he is encouraging and supportive - the way HE needs support. Not the way I need support. It's like giving someone a gift you like without thinking whether or not they would like it? Instead of buying a present you think they would like even if you don't? Do I make sense? That's how he is with his emotions.
Anyway, Raederle I don't think he feels left behind but he may be worried consciously or subconsciously that I meet someone else and leave him. I don't know.
I mentioned to him "I'd like to see you try just 5 shakes a day for a week and see how you feel". His response was that he's done that type of diet before and it wasn't so bad...maybe he didn't get it.

[explorthis]

Hey Triskets, from the man’s side of the fence, I experienced the exact same thing. It’s not that my wife did not support, she just plain did not say much period. But I am doing this, I am losing weight! Yes dear, you are. I am working hard at this! Yes you are. Well where is the support? I am supporting you. Well why aren’t you just taken back that I have lost 100+ pounds? I am.

He (as my wife was) has probably not gotten the full message yet. Chances are the 22 pounds, though astonishing, is not day and night visible as of yet. Be faithful, as the others have said, HERE is the support group. Lest you’re on the program, it’s sort of hard to know just what to say, and what not to say. I am sure he is supportive, but the typical spouse (what is typical anyway?) that just does not roll out the compliments on basically any scale.

Here is a trick… Turn the table on him. Become the compliment-er. Compliment him on any tiny little thing, no matter what it is. Start telling him he looks good, how good he is at this, or that. Ladle on the compliments to him, like he has never experienced in your entire relationship. See what happens. When I did this (cause I was in the same boat) all of a sudden my wife was a different person, like it was “catching” and the comments/compliments started rolling in.

Remember, your doing this for YOU. He supports you, but lest we forget “he is a Man” We function pretty aimlessly. It’s just one of those things. We are wired way different than the girls. Not a bad thing, but just the way we are.

Curious, prior to Medifast, in any other situation, was he the complimentary guy? Probably not…..

Be faithful, compliments or not, it is worth it.

-Mike

[24KaratGold]

Here's another thought: could he be afraid (or been afraid) that if he compliments you on losing weight, you might see it as a criticism of being/having been fat? To say "wow, you can definitely see you've lost that 22 pounds honey -- you look GREAT!" could be interpreted as saying that you looked awful before -- and NO man wants to go THERE.

My kids are the same way. They don't say anything unless I mention it to them. They've even told me, "Mom, you aren't fat!" and they are teenagers and male (and at appropriate weights). It's not one of the ways that they judge people, so they don't think to comment on it unless I prod them.

You and I are on the same track, Triskets, 22 pounds in 4 weeks. We can do this! Good for you for staying with it, even without the best support at home.

[elle4nelly]

Hi Trisket!

You did a phenomenal job by losing 22 lbs in a single month. As for your husband, be gentle with him. He is most likely having a case of the “ Fear”. You might be each other comfort zone and seeing a love one changing in front of your eyes might bring on a fear that maybe you won’t be the same inside too. Like Mike said…complement him on little things..it might reassure him and his fragile male ego that you won’t be walking out the door once you turn into Cindy Crawford. I think he is simply intimidated by your change. Just be nice and let him know you are and will be the same only BETTER!!!!!!!!

Nelly

[elle4nelly]

And don't forget Triskets that men don't perceive things the way we do!! Just yesterday, I was joking with a male coworker about how Fat I was and he replied without a second notice and a puzzled frown on his face: " You're not FAT?!?!?!?!?". I grew up with only 1 sister and 4 brothers plus my Dad. Believe me, You have a far bigger issue with your weight than he will ever have!! Women are way tooooo hard on themselves. I am the only obese one among my friends and all of them are negative about their bodies. One specific friend is 5' 5" and just dropped 5 lbs because she thought she was FAT at 123 lbs?????????? Now she brags about being 118lbs which I find to be a tad too small for my personal taste.
I don't think your husband is beeing mean to you. He likes you as is and sees nothing wrong with who you are at 300lbs, 250lbs etc...
Just go about your biz losing weight and relax. For all you know he might overcome his own fears and insecurity and join you on a weight loss. And that my friend, would be the greatest compliment of them all!

Nelly

[explorthis]

and his fragile male ego that you won’t be walking out the door once you turn into Cindy Crawford. I think he is simply intimidated by your change.

FRAGILE? MALE EGO?

Tito, pass me a tissue.....

[Triskets]

Thanks everyone for your support. I really feel a lot better today.
As far as wanting to look like Cindy Crawford, I'd rather look like Goldie Hawn. I'm much more like her. I'd like to be her size too.
The fragile male ego Mike? Is there any other kind? LOL

I've been working out at Curves 3X a week and today I started back on my treadmill. It has a heart monitor and the machine automatically keeps you in the heart rate zone you want to be in. For instance, 55-69% heart rate is in the fat burning zone - just where I want to be. I walked for 54 minutes today and feel really good.

Happy slurping to all!

[jene115]

Woohoo, glad to "hear" the happiness in your post Triskets. You sound better. Remember, it's all about YOU!

[Aussiegirl]

Hi Triskets,
Congratulations! I'd love to look like Goldie Hawn. She has always had lovely hair!!! Good on you for going to gym too. I am yet to take that enormous (for me) step,

Gabby

[Nancy]

Triskets ~

It is with pleasure that I read your recent posting here - hooray!

You are looking up and forward to improved health and even though your husband may not be patting your hiney right now and encouraging you as much as you'd like, we will do it for you cyberly!

Sometimes friends and lovers don't know how to encourage us. As some have already mentioned, there may be some who are afraid that if they tell you how proud they are or how good you look that you will quit too soon! or think that they are implying that it is about time we did something about our largeness.

You just keep doing the right things, Little Darlin' and you will reap a huge reward. He'll be ecstatic in the end.

I know I've written about my precious husband Terry many times but he truly is a amazing guy. He never made me feel like I was a blob or a slob when I felt like one. He loved me unconditionally when I did not love myself.

In my last few dieting attempts before I found Take Shape For Life and Medifast products, he was not very vocal or as encouraging as I wanted him to be as I put myself through the vigors and rigors of dieting.

I think that he had lost hope for me, too. He had seen me fail so many times. He had shelled out a lot of money on diet programs, diet pills, gym contracts that I did not fulfill and see me give away all the fine clothing that we had worked hard to earn the money for and so he was also tapped out financially and emotionally.

Triskets, your husband may not be as involved in your weight loss program as you are - he probably hasn't read the MakeMeThinner Forum like you have from beginning to end Thank you very much, I might add for doing so - you are an informed loser, Kiddo!). He doesn't hold out the hope yet for you that you are beginning to know now.

Give him some space. He will come around. Soon he won't be able to keep his eyes and hands off of you. Seriously! I have been married 34.5 years, 1 month and 5 days and I feel like a bride. My husband holds my hand in church, he offers to help me when I'm preparing supper, he runs to open the car door for me, he brings me Medifast oatmeal or Hot Coco as a bedtime snack. When I speak before a group of people, his eyes shine. He surprised me in Baltimore in December with a new leopard print enameled gold band ring just because he can!
Do not allow the failure of others to fill your emotional tank to cause you to cave in and fill your food tank with remorse, guilt and fatness...do the right thing, Friends!

This weight loss phase is merely a phase. It is not the rest of your life.

Maintenance is very hard.

It is the day to day living and foody events that make it hard. Weight loss is clearly defined; maintenance is not.

I have struggled a lot lately. I have an auto-immune disorder and it is acting up right now and my Prednisone dosage has been increased. It (the steroid) makes me feel hungry - physcially it empties out my stomach very quickly and mentally I am hungry. It (the Prednisone) also puffs me up, making me look bigger and weigh more because of fluid imbalances and it is really tough to fight it. I have to really work hard to prevent eating a condo-sized portion of grub. I feel like a predator circling its prey. It takes some major serious self-talk to keep me from devouring no-nos...

Triskets (and others), we do what is best for us. It is all right to be self-centered when it comes to your health. If we are out of control with food, we will not be in the best shape to combat illness or to combat our emotional battles. Well-being and quality of life are dependent upon choosing what we put into our mouth...

Here's to good slurpage and heart-happiness to us all!

[Triskets]

Nancy, The Leopard Woman -

Thanks so much for your VERY encouraging post. I talked to my hubby and he's trying harder to say/notice how I look.
I absolutely REFUSE to give up on myself this time. I too have spend gobs and gobs of money on other diets, health clubs, etc.
Besides, I've bought a lot of size 8-10 sized clothing. I find myself REALLY motivated because I'm anxious to wear such cute stuff AND shirts tucked into my pants instead of trying to find huge sized tops to cover the HUGE butt.
I feel for you having to take the Prednisone. I'd have a tough time with the hunger and the puffiness. Here's to you Nancy!

Keep on Shakin'