The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[BerkshireGrl]

Wow, it has been a long time since I've been around

Hello everyone! I thought I'd get a jump on the New Year and get back on the ol' plan that really works: my long-lost friend Medifast!

I first tried Medifast way back in October 2004 and it was a truly amazing product. After the first three uber-challenging days, I felt reborn! No more heartburn! No more snooze-button addiction! No more late afternoon crashes! I succeeded in losing 24 pounds and then made the HUGE mistake of trying to sneak regular food back in on some days. The "some days" grew and grew and then I found myself in this vicious cycle of diet/regain/diet.

I have been rolling around in that insanity for way too long now, over 2 years! I would try to convince myself to try another way of eating because maybe it'd be more "satisfying" and allow me to eat whenever I was hungry or I'd try entirely unrestricted eating in the hope I'd outgrow my cravings. Neither one of these things worked. (You are shocked, I know.)

This month, at my heaviest weight, I pondered if I was just meant to be fat. I was a very skinny kid, but ever since I entered the teenage years, my ribs have become a distant memory. I didn't really feel comfortable saying I'm fat and I'm proud! I tried to get into the fat-positive thing with reading books and websites, but while I admired their self-esteem, I did not feel good mentally or physically.

I ate whatever I wanted during the holiday build-up and afterwards. Not too surprisingly, I felt gross. I managed to pawn off plenty of chocolate by re-gifting it, or cookies by donating them to the office maw, but I was left with 1/2 pound of chocolate walnut fudge my mom gave me (what the heck!?) She kindly suggested that she thought of me when buying me "only" a half pound. I ate half of it then threw it out earlier this week. Hey, I don't even LIKE FUDGE!

It needs to be said for the first time in a long time, my mother is smaller than I am. I'm sure there are all kinds of dark psychological wisps floating around in there for both of us... I have recently also endured having her give me some of her fat clothes, though she tries to tell me it's because I'm more busty and can "fill it out better." HA!

So, my first day back on plan is going well. Smooth as an at-goal-MF'ers bottom. I have made out a list of Why I Want To Lose Weight, signed it, and stuck it on my wall near my computer. The list looks like a legal document, my own contract with my mind.

I have also tacked my smallest pair of jeans, ah beautiful 8, on my closet door to inspire me. This is the first time I ever stuck miniature clothing up at eye level, but I think there could be something to the idea. It goes to show my warped perception that right now they look like they belonged to a grade schooler, when in fact they were on my body in 2001. And not just on one thigh, but both! The mind boggles.

I did not get into the journal thing before but I have spent a lot of time reading through multiple peoples, and not only are they immensely entertaining, inspiring and addictive, but holy moly, they could be a tool towards Success!

So bear with me while I ramble at you all. I plan to be doing a lot of keyboard hammering and if anyone wants to take a gander at the randomness that follows, please, my door is open. Mi casa es su casa.

I promise not to hide behind the furniture.

,
BerkshireGrl

[bikipatra]

Welcome back! I think I remember your name and lovely hair from last time around for us both. I was only around for a short period but you made a memorable impression.

[dede4wd]

Hey Girl,

It's good to see you! I hope day 1 went well for you! We're here if you need us and so is MF!

DeDe

[Ct. Yankee]

Happy to see you back with us, Sarah!! We can do this!
Joan

[LadyT]

Hi Sarah,

A fellow MA resident here (Metro West area). Just wanted to offer my support and say hello! I am a recent re-starter as well (11/13) and come here for as much daily support as I can get!
I hope your doing ok the first few days...as you know they are the toughest. I slipped a little on Christmas, but think I'm back in blessed ketosis now!
I look forward to getting to know you and sharing our mutual success!

[FertileMyrtle]

Hi Sarah! You were such an encouragement to me today that I had to find your journal. I'm sure you'll fill it chock fulla wisdom soon enough. I admire people like you, restarters, who have left to try other things, and have returned from the dark side only to tell us that the grass is not greener. You save the rest of us a lot of wasted time! Thanks!

So good luck these first few days-- I can relate to the "withdrawl" headaches after spending a few days out. Best advice for me--brush your teeth and drink a big cup of water when cookies enter the mind!

Needless to say, I cant wait till my breath reeks of ketones again!

Will be sending happy thoughts your way!!

Andrea

[Karli]

Hi, Sarah . Good to have you here, and boy are you fun to read !! I am happy you have started a journal, I personally find it a *huge* help. I am looking forward to being on this journey with you and I know we can expect to have continued success !

Cheers,
Karli

[BerkshireGrl]

Good morning world!

I feel strangely bouyant on Day 2 here. I remember from the last time I did MF, the first few days, my body didn't want to go to sleep, so I ended up going to bed Friday night at 2 AM. Then, on the dot, at 10 this morning, my eyes opened, and I felt ready to go!

This is a big change for me already, because the past few days, I have felt exhausted after sleep, and have been getting up with a nasty sinus headache stuck on. Sadly (boohoo!), I seem to have left my sinus pain in the past. Could have something to do with the tanker of water we drink daily!

I also noticed that my joints, like hips and knees, hurt less. Could be projection but I've had this before too. Digging it!

A Meditation on Skinny Jeans:

So, the first thing I saw this morning was that pair of tiny jeans on my closet door across the room. They sure stand out: faded denim on dark wood.

It's funny, a little while ago, when I was reading my fat-positive stuff, trying to accept fat as a way of life, there is a famous woman author who voices very strongly her belief that closets should be cleaned out of all skinny clothes... that seeing them hanging there depresses the now-chubby viewer, and that only beautiful comfortable clothes that fit their current size should be there. Either donate all the skinny stuff or box it away in the attic, out of sight. Hmmm. I kind of see the logic in this, but then again, there is a rebellious part of me, perhaps the inner skinny woman, who says NO WAY!

I have some really nice girly girl clothes in there, bought for a vacation in San Francisco in 2000, that I have never worn. Yes, never! Several silk and embroidered skirts that were just too summery to wear in June 2000, when I found that SF was foggy and downright chilly during the days. I ended up wearing jeans and a sweater and jacket pretty much the entire time I was there. So... here are these size 8 and 10 clothes that I never put on except to try them on 6 years ago! Getting rid of them feels like admitting defeat. Grrrr!

Realistically, I do not have the cash to go buy a new pretty wardrobe of fat clothes. Most of my big clothes are pretty blah, sweatshirts, on-sale knit tops, jeans that are getting inner-thigh wear (hate that!) or have oil paint on them from my painting class. I have a couple nice-ish outfits I spandex myself into if needed, but pretty much, I am operating out of maybe 1/10th of my wardrobe.

Going to Macy's and getting a pair of size 20 or 22 jeans would feel comparable to buying a big chunk of crack.

My last jeans I bought were from the Salvation Army for $3.50 (Polo though, so I tell myself at least my butt serves as a suitably large marquee for the embroidered back pocket logo, ha!)

So... despite having flashbacks to a certain yogurt commercial and a bathrobed woman walking past her tacked-up bikini on the wall while eating yogurt... I like seeing those jeans up there. It's like a daily challenge. Can you wear me again? I might be too bleached and have unfashionable narrow ankles, but can you shrink those thighs enough to wear my 80s retro funk?

Before I tacked them up on the door, I had held them up my current waist and noticed my thumbs that were holding the edges were hitting me about 4 inches in on each side of my now enriched waist. That was humbling.

It's really amazing the changes that we can put our bodies through, and they do their best to suck it up and deal. I mean, I got pretty comfortable at 200 pounds. And up... It wasn't until I saw 235 on the scale that I had it sink in that I was really obese. Well that and I had to lean back on the scale so I could read the numbers hidden under my protruding stomach!

I am feeling very chatty this morning... phew... much more in there to come out later I expect. Feel the Medifast burn!

[BerkshireGrl]

Day 2, Part Dos. More talky talky. I expect to tone this down soon heh!

Despite having back an extreme slug for many months, I may have to get on my new treadmill to burn off some energy here. I got the treadmill from a friend in October. I trucked it all the way back from Maryland up to Mass and lodged it in my bedroom. I broke it in a couple times with some very wimpy walking for mere minutes, but noticed that my legs and lungs were in shock at the effort I was forcing them into.

In the following couple months, it has served very well as a great place to dry tights

I had it in mind when I got it to veeeery slowly go about doing to the Couch to 5K program. The last time I could honestly run was about 1993. I ran to catch a bus last year and I was told by my watching aunt that it was an awesome sight to behold. I'm guessing more like in the fear-inducing sense of the word hehehe!

Also on my list of to-do is write up a stack of thank-you notes for my stash of Christmas goodness. And do some grocery shopping, not that that consists of much now: coffee, coffee creamer, dish soap, kitty food. Maybe an inspirational copy of the new People magazine, which just in time for New Years, is featuring people who have lost half their body weight. I wonder if there are some Medifasters in that group!

Bikipatra: Thanks for the welcome back! Me and my blazing roots thank you

DeDe: Heya! Good to see you back too! You were smarter than me to come back when you only wandered off the trail briefly I came back only after adding back my loss plus a pack horse

Ct. Yankee: Joan, hello my fellow New Englander!

LadyT: Another Mass nut! Awesome! Yes, I am reading this board heavily now. I feel kind of like an addict clutching the Big Book tightly in their sweaty hands More than kind of, really. I am hyped up now but I know that if I look just a bit deeper there are some collected trolls under my bridge just waiting to reappear. As long as they stay hidden until I get my feet under me, I think I will be in a better position to deal with them. Especially once the magic of ketosis kicks in Stay strong! We are almost out of the holiday woods, thank God!

FertileM: Andrea, ah yes, the stories I could tell about Failed Diets! I'm sure any ensuing book could rival the saga of War & Peace heh!

Karli: Thank you! Enjoy! If anyone else can get anything out of me blabbing, that's great! I was never one for long-lived diaries before... I found my writing too self-conscious and embarassing, and had this complex of looking at it as a reviewer, running a critique of "Who cares about your little problems or insights?" I guess I have some pretty hardcore negativity lurking in my mind But I am going to make it cranky and roll its eyes while I continue rambling here.

The reasons I got myself into this mess are not immediately clear to me, and I'm not sure I want to dig them up. I've used food to cope with stress ever since I was a teen. If I wasn't obliterating my sense of anxiety with high carbs and fat, I was obsessing over my diet du jour.

I used to be able to eyeball foods and estimate their Weight Watchers Points value immediately after years on it... I still have my reference books and weigh-in booklet tucked away. But I remember being very hungry on WW and trying to squeeze in unhealthy foods under the excuse of I still had daily Points left. I found myself more focused on what I could eat or should eat than ever.

With Medifast, once ketosis starts, I really don't think about food that much because it's very strict. Of course, if I did it perfectly in the past, I would not be restarting, so I admit I have issues with restriction I have used food so intensely as a stand-in for other things in my life that when it is removed, I get a bit fearful. Oh no, you mean I have to develop a HEALTHY relationship with food!? And when under stress in the past, it would be the very first thing that would pop into my head as a cure. If I was having a stressed-out day at work, which is often, in the late afternoon, I would begin plotting what take-out I'd get, or what grocery store I'd lay into to get my fix.

It has crept up on me to become very central to my life, and when faced with nights without a full table of food to eat and wine to drink, it was like looking into a dark hole of emptiness. Scary stuff, though on the surface, kind of silly!

How did I so hooked on living this way? How did I find myself the night before a diet frantically eating all the "bad" food in the fridge so as not have to "waste" it by throwing it out? I have a real complex about throwing away edible food. I had an interesting childhood of being taught to eat every single bit on my plate so maybe that's mixing in I know that I have sprayed many leftovers with window cleaner before putting them in the trash Of course because pizza that is on top of papers or empty cartons is perfectly good to eat, ya know! Maybe in a past life, I was an alley cat?

[bikipatra]

I really enjoyed your last two journal entries but have a funny confession. When I saw how long they were, I got a new water, my daily diet soda and a cigarette to enjoy my long read. It was worth it and my not-so-pink lungs thank you. I only recently donated all my "thin" clothes-the 6, 8, 10, 12's-to the homeless because my husband was tired of looking at 5 huge boxes of clothes in my walk-in closet. I kept telling him I might wear them again but didn't even believe it myself. This was in October. He also dangled a carrot in front of me-he said if I would throw out those boxes, I could have any pair of Prada shoes I wanted for Christmas. What I discovered going through the boxes is that the fatter I got, the uglier the clothes were. I knew intuitively that these were temporary states and had things that were cheaply made, out dated or just plain ugly. My current wardrobe is as chic as you can be in a size 22-24! (Now I can get into 18 shirts!!!) I did hide a few tiny things in a drawer because they were too expensive or adorable to part with-but one tshirt I kept merely as a trophy. It was a black xtra small that I cannot even believe I wore. Except I must have because I had it in 5 colors. It looked like it belonged to a 4 year old. I am not sure I ever want to be that small again but this Christmas I passed on the shoes because I wear a size 6 not size 7 when I am not fat. I took some jewelry instead!

[nickieluv]

Berk, I think we're going to have a lot in common. I am on day 3 right now of a quasi-restart after quitting in the summer due to $. I too have been writing up a storm in the first days just to keep on track. I've found it very helpful to keep my mind off food.

Good luck! I'll be checking out your journal - don't stop writing! I have also felt that I write too much, and I just whine and complain and waste space - but in some way I must need to get it all out there, and I'm sure you do to. Let it happen.

I look forward to getting to know you and seeing our progress this time around!

[Sojourner]

I really enjoyed your last two journal entries but have a funny confession. When I saw how long they were...

...I breathed a sigh of relief that I am no longer alone in my tendency toward polysyllabic verbosity. For realz. My journal entries definitely rival yours in length, if nothing else! Welcome back Berkie, and keep up the journal - so far it's excellent! And please tell me you were joking when you wrote this:

I expect to tone this down soon heh!

[Serendipity]

Sarah,

It's so nice to see you back! I have always enjoyed your posts in the past and I'll tell ya.....this forum isn't quite the same without you. I'm really pulling for you. I just know that things will click for you when the time is right and you will beat this monster. Time will pass anyway.....so why not get thin in the process?

[BerkshireGrl]

Day 3 dawns with a growling stomach... bring on the Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal! Raaaaaawwwr!

I also found this morning that I did not have enough coffee to make 2 full cups. THE HORROR! In desperation, I dumped the meager tablespoon and a half into the basket, and added a English Breakfast Tea bag and a Red Safari Spice Chai bag in there too.

Taste test: Hmmm, not bad. I don't think it would be a mad success on the open market, but it will get the re-caffeinated job done.

I got on my pal scale this morning, which I have covered the top edge in stickers to make it more user-appealing, and it said down 1.5. Coooool. I will get really stoked when I go under 200, but all in good time.

Mmmm, caffeine.

Biki -- I think in FitDay it counts reading lengthy journal entries as 1.61 cals per minute. I very much am with you as looking through my closet and seeing that the bigger the clothes grew, the more ugly they got. Size 18 shirts, woohoo! Great job! I have some tiny clothes too that I refuse to part with. I think my prized closet dweller is a vintage burgundy velvet riding jacket with leather trim, from the late 60s I think. Haven't worn it since 1992 or so, but it's waiting patiently. Along with a lovely sapphire, diamond and gold bracelet and beautiful teal burned out velvet shirt I got this Christmas which at the moment are too small to fit onto my largeness I am hoping that I can shrink down just enough in time for the end of January when my sister visits to wear the shirt from her and the bracelet from my mom.

Nickie -- Journal with me, sista! I also read that you are trying to wean yourself off the board to get into work-mode. I say read read read to your heart's content while you are free to!

Sojourner -- I must hie to your journal! We can revel in polysyllabic overflow. (I think that was the first time ever I have used hie in conversation, hehehe! Medifast must be turning on my vocabulary neurons!) Well, I was going to take it down a notch cause I feel a little embarassed to write so much, but hey... why not eh?!

Serendipity -- I read your complete journal over the past 2 days. Thank you for a wonderful story! I am very happy to be back! I think this time it IS right for me and I will succeed. From my mouth to God's ears heh!

My little sister, Lisa (age 32), is pregnant with twins, and they are due in mid-June (or early July if they go to full term.) She and her hubby will find out the genders probably the third week of January, before they come visit. They are going to be their only children, and I do NOT want to be fat when I meet them or play with them. Of course it will be a while before we are playing kick ball or whatever, but it's about dang time. I have early degenerative disks in my lower back too (grrr office jobs!) and I'm sure my added 90 pounds is not helping

I have had several dispiriting restarts and after a while, I got more and more FED UP with my slipping and sliding back down the regain slope. A couple years ago, a waitress even thought I was my SISTER'S MOTHER! Come on! She was 30, I was 33! But she was thin, and had her blonde hair in barettes, and was dressed in cute NYC fashions, while I was heavy and dressed in a matronly green tank dress and big cover-up shirt on top that I call my kindergarten teacher outfit, complete with black tights and clunky black mules. Hmmm, note to self: NEED NEW WARDROBE!!! (no offense to kiddy teachers out there! Heh!)

All in good time...

[dede4wd]

I'm really enjoying your posts and don't worry about the length. Write what you think, what you feel. It helps you and it helps us!

DeDe