No treading tonight or bubble bath...
Just gonna chill in front of old Netflix DVDs (Cesar Millan, Dog Whisperer! And 30 Days, Season 1)
Looooong vent and analysis... (get those refills, peeps!)
Tonight was rough, I won't lie. I found out my teeth are probably going to cost me maybe $2K-$3K more to fix, between a new nightguard and bite adjusting, maybe a Round 2 of braces, but I'm definitely getting a 2nd opinion.
But I stopped off at my parents on the way home, and it was just my mom there since my father was a Public Works meeting, heh... so we talked weight struggles for a while and I told her I was on Medifast. Not for support, I get that here, but to let her know not to pawn off food on me or expect me to eat certain foods for a while.
Now I've heard negative stuff from her before about Medifast being "weird" or "so expensive"... why not just do Weight Watchers, or cook your own food, eat normally? Why something so "bizarre?"
Sure, it would be ideal if I could immediately begin controlling my portions and cooking all my own food, with natural, organic whole foods. Maybe get in some sheep shearing and butter churning too. Ok, skip the last part. Millions of normal people eat that way, right? Yes, the world over.
But...
I'm 35, and I have never yet cooked my own meals AND learned proper portioning. Insane but true! I just realized this myself.
I've certainly cooked plenty, but I stuffed myself if I was alone. If I got take-out, I stuffed myself. The only time I would eat normally was in front of other people. I think I have been overeating since I was a teenager and the only things that slimmed me down before were:
1) Having a very busy on-my-feet job like waitressing or...
2) Not having a car/walking everywhere, like in college or...
3) Living with family/friends who watch me eat every meal
Can you believe that?! No wonder I'm huge!
Some problems here to work on, eh?
So tonight, I said in response to her non-encouragement, "I have to do this. I have wasted enough time with excuses and justifications and going back and forth between diets. I do not want to do Weight Watchers again because I don't want to spend the next 4 years losing weight. I just want it DONE."
(And I spend WAY less on MF than I did on take-out and wine... no question. I've run the numbers and it is astounding how much I could waste on food and wine. Astounding, depressing, horrifying, stupid, addictive, wasteful, just plain BAD. $300-$350 on Medifast? Yes, I am ok with that cost.
Perhaps this was not the most debate-team worthy argument, but I HAVE tried Weight Watchers again, actually several times after I got to my goal with them (under 158) in 2001. I just couldn't stick with it. I don't know if it was because I didn't identify with the leaders who lost sometimes 20-30 pounds, or I got sick of the WW cookbooks, the WW binders, the WW keyrings, the WW pedometer, the WW drinking mug, the WW Points Calculator, the... AHHHH!
Or maybe it was sitting in a small room under flourescent lights, confessing my sins to sympathetic murmurs or more often silence, or my small victories to routine applause. Or paying $10 a week to hear I should eat more vegetables and use less butter.
All right, I sound really bitter about WW, and I'm really not. They do have a healthy program that teaches good habits, but I just stopped bonding with them... and caring.
I have gotten 1000 times more support here across the Internet than I did in those rooms, even though those people were right next to me. This (in my opinion) is a very tight-knit and passionate community and people really do care and are interested in each other's success.
It's true that no one here can stop someone from self-destructing and quitting, or from taking a break and regaining. We try to talk each other out of it, but sometimes people just have to go... and maybe they come back or maybe not. They might have found a different solution or they might have gone back to that very seductive call of Eat All You Want.
Hey, I've done it. I'm not judging anyone, trust me!
I'm just saying everyone has to reach their REAL breaking point. There can be a lot of false starts... I know I had, um, several
Who's to say that this one will be my last ever attempt at losing weight?
I struggle still; it's not like I dumped all the negative urges the first time I sipped a MF shake.
Speaking of negative urges, driving home tonight, I was hungry, very hungry, and tempted by my old habits. I got home and took out my take-out menus from the recycling and I looked at the pile.
I thought about why I was hungry: too long from last MF shake, normal response, the plan is not to blame. Stressed from work. Tired. Cranky. Cold. Bored.
Still wobbly but I looked at my FitDay record for today and that tiny calorie amount, the delicate balance between carbs/protein/fat. Did I want to blow my 4 on-plan days for one night's pizza? How would that feel afterwards? My jeans that I was wearing had been unbearably tight just last week, I had to unzip them to bend down and tie my shoes. Today, I did that with no problem. Same jeans. The thighs were definitely looser too.
I sat here in my dining room and battled it out in my head. How many more times are you going to do this? Haven't you learned anything from the past 5 years? Giving in to these urges has
never made you skinnier. NEVER. And it won't next time either.
Haven't you had enough????
So... I am very happy and relieved to say I got up and made myself a Lean & Green. And it was good. And I want to laugh at my demons -- point the finger and laugh -- because I won.
Sarah 1, Fat 0. Actually... it's Sarah 3 Pounds, Fat 0.
Yeah, you're starting to flag, Fat. Try harder next time, punk.